This Week's Savage Love

Klueless Kinksters

November 20, 2008

By Dan Savage

I am a straight, crossdressing male into bondage. That's NOT my problem. Recently, I began seeing a professional Dominatrix for forced crossdressing, among other things. She was great, but our last session ended abruptly when She told me that She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it, but I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain terms, She said no.

I then asked, politely, if She would wash Her dildo in bleach in front of me so that I would know it was clean. She ended the session right then and there, and She told me not to contact Her again.

Was I out of line? I signed a "contract" with Her that said I would not "top from the bottom," but She has several other slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just wanted to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won't be seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought I was out of line. She reads your column.

Superior Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily

Why did this woman tell you to gather your panties and go?

That's hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I'm not a mind reader. But I see two possible explanations: One, she is unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene that's already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or, two, you're an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed to annoy the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the curb.

I might be inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your having carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads tips me over to her side. By writing to me, you're not just seeking the last word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction of seeing this woman dressed down in public. So while you were careful to submissively capitalize all those third-person pronouns—as if She Herself were God Himself—your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in print, you're a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of shit.

I'm having an interesting dilemma.

I'm a 20-year-old female and a junior in college. For the past few years, I've been working on becoming a journalist. But I've found myself less and less interested (and passionate) about it as time goes on. And I think I'd rather be a fetish model.

For the past year, I've been a submissive in a D/s relationship with my boyfriend. I love him VERY much, and he is more respectful toward me than any other man I've been with. Lately, we've been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling website. I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera, but I LOVE the idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as a career, and so does he.

From the photos I've done so far, I'm pretty sure this could pay off AND be more personally satisfying than a job at a newspaper. But I'm nervous about what my family and friends will say when they realize I'm never going to write for the Washington Post or the New York Times.

Kinky Coed

Journalism or fetish modeling, journalism or fetish modeling—gee, which career is right for you?

Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of the newspapers you cite as possible future places of employment, you would know that times are tough at daily newspapers. The internet ate their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello "citizen journalists"!—and right now, it's all layoffs and buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you care so little about journalism that you're tempted to make a career of posting bondage pictures to a website instead, KC, then don't go into journalism. Leave the few jobs that remain at newspapers to people who have some passion for the field.

So it's fetish modeling for you, right? Not so fast, kinkster. Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing similar financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to write for free online, many millions of people are willing to post everything from "tasteful" fetish shots to hardcore porn online for free. So while there may be a handful of people out there who'll pay to see you tied up, you're probably not going to make enough money as a fetish model to support yourself.

So you might want to think of some other line of work, something with more job security and better long-term prospects—perhaps banking or real estate?

I have a bigot in the family. My brother's mother-in-law is scared this country is "on its way" to legalizing same-sex marriage, which is "against what her Bible tells [her]." Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes back to her religious beliefs. She doesn't dislike gays, and she's said that if gay marriage becomes legal she'll help me find a husband.

Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no prejudice. As a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible, but I'm conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I see her half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same time I typically see my nieces and nephews. I don't want her bigotry to impose on my right and desire to spend time with these kids as their uncle. On the other hand, I can't just sit there and be quiet.

Battling Bigots In Brooklyn

Anyone looking for proof that the United States is "on its way toward legalizing same-sex marriage," despite recent setbacks, only has to look to the numbers of people—gay and straight—who poured into streets over the last two weeks to protest the bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority rights and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love how my boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit Canada, without anyone else's marriage being threatened. Here's hoping that one day soon the United States will recognize the legal marriages of all Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)

Okay, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest I attended in New York City last week—well, after "Jesus Had Two Daddies," "Use Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil," and "Thou Shalt Not Fuck with Us"—was this: "No More Mr. Nice Gay." If anyone caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same night, you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation with lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to get involved in the fight? Jointheimpact.com is a good place to start.)

But while I'm down with the whole no more Mr. Nice Gay thing, BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother's MIL. She's not Tony Perkins; she's a human being. And it sounds like her affection for you is already on a collision course with her bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there's a difference between civil marriage rights and religious marriage rites. Polls show that many Americans have already come around on this issue. Thanks to the work you've already done, BBIB, it sounds like your brother's MIL will be next.

mail@savagelove.net

Comments (97)

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Showing 10 of 97 comments. Read all comments.

You know, myself and others are pretty much convinced the Mormon church was embezzling money, and that's how so much got donated. Ever wonder why so many average-income Mormon homes were able to give tens of thousands of dollars to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign?

(No offense to Mormons; just the Mormon churches in California.)
Posted by Suki on November 18, 2008 at 4:56 PM
And BBIB, you'll probably out-live her, so you will have more time to be Uncle than she will to be Grandmother.
Posted by PDX_Paulie on November 18, 2008 at 5:18 PM
Whoa, a little harsh with SHEESH, there, Dad. Not that you couldn't well be right about him, but I think it's just as likely that he's not seeking the last word OR a dressing down for his ex-domme so much as looking for a way to get around her "don't contact me again" rule. He might just be doing his best to get in touch with her, tell her how much their relationship matters to him, and affirm that he intended no offense all in the only way he can while still being obedient, through your column.
Posted by Park on November 18, 2008 at 5:32 PM
"your letter leads me to believe that in person, as in print, you're a disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative piece of shit"

Wow Dan, you may have played right into his "toping from the bottom"ing hands and answered his prayers/fantasies and publically humilated him. It may be a long time before a Professional Dominatrix or Dominate partner live up to what you just did.


Posted by cdngrrl on November 18, 2008 at 5:55 PM
Dan, don't you think that any self-respecting bottom should request a clean dildo? Being submissive should not involve putting yourself at possible risk of contracting STDs.
Posted by henri on November 18, 2008 at 6:06 PM
My favorite sign was a picture of a wedding ring that looked a lot like the "lord of the rings" ring along with a caption "The precious, we wants it"
Posted by Sleestak on November 18, 2008 at 6:17 PM
BBIB: The way that I see it, gay marriage is a human and civil rights issue. My sister argues that she thinks that whether or not to allow, license and recognize gay marriage is a "States' Rights" issue.

When you see your brother's mother-in-law during this holiday season, remind her that it really wasn't that long ago that mixed race marriages were forbidden in many states. In that short time, we have come so far.
Posted by EAWF in Ohio on November 18, 2008 at 6:48 PM
It is NOT the Mormon Church that donated the money. It's the gajillion members of the Mormon Church in California that individually donated with the same faithfulness they use to fork over their 10% tithing. The Church is VERY careful not to get involved in this. They don't want to lose their tax exempt status. They would have to pay A LOT if that happened. (Anyone read that book about how much money the Church has)

I know that people are angry. I grew up Mormon and I'm furious they are so proud to be so politically ignorant. But I feel it's important to fight with the truth.
Posted by AnnoyedJackMormon on November 18, 2008 at 7:20 PM
I have met so many people who would call themselves social conservatives, who learn tolerance by meeting tolerant others. When tolerance becomes hip and popular (as it seems to be becoming), even our brothers' mothers-in-law will come around. It is only a matter of time. As "Don't Ask Don't Tell" falls down, as Prop 8 fails in court, as more social conservatives meet and develop friendships and working relationships with those of us who are different, change occurs.
Posted by Sarah on November 18, 2008 at 7:48 PM
What self-respecting sex worker would refuse a request to make sure a dildo is clean?
Posted by Just Me on November 18, 2008 at 8:49 PM

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