Coffee Is for Closers

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For all his alleged business acumen, Mitt Romney sure is doing a shitty job of closing this deal.

Super Tuesday was at best a so-so showing—Romney won the six states everyone assumed he would win, in other words, just enough to not appear weak—and his victory speech, in which he acted as though that was the plan all along, reeked of failure. Though the Romney campaign has been saying for months that they're prepared for a primary battle that will last into June, nobody really expected that to happen. When you're having a hard time putting down a slate of opponents including a warmongering theocrat, a failed House Speaker who makes Bill Clinton look like the picture of humility and restraint, and a dwarf with a comical hard-on for Ayn Rand, your inevitability defense starts looking a little weak.

If Romney wants to be judged as a businessman rather than a politician, he has to start suffering the consequences like a businessman. It's time for wishy-washy Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus to take Romney into his office and give him the Alec Baldwin speech from Glengarry Glen Ross. (Relevant passage: "The good news is, you're fired. The bad news is... we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.")

This month's sales contest looks equally rough for Romney: Results from primaries in Alabama and Mississippi on March 13 weren't available as this paper went to press, but even winning both states wouldn't cinch Romney's nomination. Missouri's caucus on March 17 looks good for Santorum, as does March 24's Louisiana primary, and possibly the Wisconsin primary on April 3, too.

In fact, Romney is going to be in steak-knife territory for a while: You have to look all the way out to April 24's Republican primaries in exclusively Northeastern states (Connecticut, Delaware, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island) to predict a truly convincing slate of wins for the former governor. And even then, a petulant candidate with nothing to lose—hey there, Newt!—will point out that all those states will surely go for President Obama in a big way come November, anyway. One can picture Alec Baldwin standing behind a desk, howling something like "Why can't this motherfucker close? Why can't this silly little cocksucker manage to close the fucking deal already?"


The Libertarian Party nominee, former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson, will be speaking at the Libertarian Party of Washington's 12th annual convention March 17–18 in Tukwila. Find The Stranger's coverage of the convention on Slog. recommended


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slade 1
Romney is a Republican and thus he is a thespian and is trying to portray a roots based country pumpkin in jeans that has big economic knowledge that will make all Americans healthy and rich?

but like all Republicans and many Democrats if ask a question that demands a specific answer you get a bunch of crap much like our objective in the middle east that started with WMD's and Saddam and has evolved into something nobody in congress can answer.

Winning hearts and minds or just a occupation that will leave the place with less than it had after the place is shot to shit and bombed into chaos?

Your assessment of Romney is valid as I wonder If he could make it past the security and intelligence briefings if elected to office with out turning into another deluded freak hiding in the basement of the white house trying to win hearts and minds and spreading some form of twisted Rush Limbaugh Republican ideology in places that use Goat turds to heat a mud and goat turd shacks in the winter.

Posted by slade on March 19, 2012 at 10:41 AM · Report this
slade 2
Oh we are selling coal cuz we good ol boys who like to help people!…

Oh we got a google and it says a awful lot about all kinds of awful stuff…
Do we do the earth a favor by selling the most populated place on earth toxins to heat their homes with? and they even have better and cheaper solar panels that we put tariffs on as they are cheaper and better.
Posted by slade on March 26, 2012 at 4:10 PM · Report this
Barbara Tee 3
Rick Santorum is the Stealth Candidate from Opus Dei. According to Seattle Gay News of March 30th, 2012. {I know this thread is about Mitt Romney; Romney and his Magic Mormon Underwear. I just thot I'd throw this in.}
Yes, that same Opus Dei so featured in "The Da Vinci Code" -- based on some legitimate and accurate research for the book.
Santorum, while a Senator, took a trip to Rome, paid for by Opus Dei, and accompanied by an Opus Dei priest. The occasion {which Senator Santorum described as "part of his official duties}, was the raising to Sainthood of Opus Dei's founder, Spanish priest Josemaria Escriva, who died in 1975. {Described as "The most blatant example of a politicized canonization in modern times".} Senator Santorum gave a speech on that occasion -- the transcript of which can be read -- in which he described himself as totally guided by "blessed" Josemaria Escriva's principles -- which can ONLY mean, Opus Dei principles.

Rick Santorum IS the Stealth Candidate from Opus Dei. NOT a Conspiracy Theory! but a REAL Conspiracy. Opus Dei meddles in the affairs of MANY countries where it has power -- especially Fascist Dictatorships. All this can be researched and is true. {Even if "The Da Vinci Code" is PART fiction.}
Posted by Barbara Tee on April 6, 2012 at 12:05 PM · Report this

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