Savage Love Podcast Comments
Savage Love Episode 268
1
Yeah, Dan, I'm also sorry that so many women feel the need to find their boyfriend's porn and throw it in their faces. It's an invasion of privacy, insecurity, control-freakness, yadda-yadda-yadda.
Still, I'm also a bit sorry for them. They're motivated by insecurity ('does this mean he doesn't really love/desire me?'), which means they haven't really learned how to tell if someone is really interested in them or not; and they've bought into social stereotypes about how bad porn intrinsically is, to its consumers and those around them; or that every porn user is a porn addict, etc.
I wished it were easier to help people out of their insecurities, because, well, they make you suffer. They hurt. If their boyfriends could help them out of that, maybe they'd be happier.
I'm not saying there are no control freaks out there. But I'm saying that some of the women who freak out about their boyfriend porn have themselves issues and prejudices and so on. Maybe there is a way for them to work on these things and eventually free themselves of them. Maybe there's a way for them to learn to tell the real assholes from the good boyfriends (cause god knows there are true assholes out there, among men as among women) without resorting to false tests like porn.
Still, I'm also a bit sorry for them. They're motivated by insecurity ('does this mean he doesn't really love/desire me?'), which means they haven't really learned how to tell if someone is really interested in them or not; and they've bought into social stereotypes about how bad porn intrinsically is, to its consumers and those around them; or that every porn user is a porn addict, etc.
I wished it were easier to help people out of their insecurities, because, well, they make you suffer. They hurt. If their boyfriends could help them out of that, maybe they'd be happier.
I'm not saying there are no control freaks out there. But I'm saying that some of the women who freak out about their boyfriend porn have themselves issues and prejudices and so on. Maybe there is a way for them to work on these things and eventually free themselves of them. Maybe there's a way for them to learn to tell the real assholes from the good boyfriends (cause god knows there are true assholes out there, among men as among women) without resorting to false tests like porn.
2
I think part of the reason why (many? most?) of Lucy's boyfriends didn't want to watch their porn with her is that they are, themselves, a little ashamed of it. There are lots of men who do watch porn but don't like the fact that they do -- they're still convinced by the mainstream idea that porn is inherently bad, so they feel like they're being sleazeballs or actually doing something wrong when they watch it, so they feel ashamed to even admit it, let alone actually let their girlfriends participate.
Sex is still a confusing issue to people in our civilization. It's good, but it's bad, it's life-affirming, but it's shameful, it's healthy, but it's 'what animals do', it's intimacy-building, but it's our 'lower instincts' who drive us down rather than up towards spirituality and god and etc...
Sex is still a confusing issue to people in our civilization. It's good, but it's bad, it's life-affirming, but it's shameful, it's healthy, but it's 'what animals do', it's intimacy-building, but it's our 'lower instincts' who drive us down rather than up towards spirituality and god and etc...
3
Not only is findhisporn.com awful for all of the reasons you talked about, but it's also completely worthless. News of this site went around the tech community, and couple of guys paid the $20 to see if the thing actually worked. Turns out it's really good a returning false positives and really bad at finding porn. All the program does is look for pictures or movie files in your internet cache and flag the file name for some keywords, like ass and butt. As a result if your cache has smallButtonLink.jpg, congrats! You have found porn.
you can read all about it here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3301…
you can read all about it here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3301…
5
The leap between the sexy coach porn scenarios and the Penn State sex abuse scandal is absolutely ridiculous.
But this leap is analogous to the "barely legal" porn genre that some ladies often clutch their pearls over, especially on a certain crazy "feminist" blog which I know Dan sometimes frequents. It's infuriating!
The leap between heterosexual "barely legal" scenarios and pedophilia is equally baffling. When you listen to that phone call and you wonder, why would anyone make this connection?!
I think that the Lucy "haters" have their confirmation now that Lucy is terribly immature and does not have any business dishing out advice. That last anecdote was crushing.
But this leap is analogous to the "barely legal" porn genre that some ladies often clutch their pearls over, especially on a certain crazy "feminist" blog which I know Dan sometimes frequents. It's infuriating!
The leap between heterosexual "barely legal" scenarios and pedophilia is equally baffling. When you listen to that phone call and you wonder, why would anyone make this connection?!
I think that the Lucy "haters" have their confirmation now that Lucy is terribly immature and does not have any business dishing out advice. That last anecdote was crushing.
6
Dan,
Uncut dicks are gross. I've noticed you take a very anti-cut, pro-uncut stance when it comes to penis. How about showing us circumcised guys some love?
Also, I love Lucy! Please bring her back!
Uncut dicks are gross. I've noticed you take a very anti-cut, pro-uncut stance when it comes to penis. How about showing us circumcised guys some love?
Also, I love Lucy! Please bring her back!
7
Mr Ank - This is the first time I've thought of both Natalie Imbruglia and Julius King at the same time. Unfortunately, I'm not going to have time to elaborate on either until tomorrow.
I must not be in a particularly nasty mood, or I'd say something about interesting phrasing (not yours, Mr A)...
I must not be in a particularly nasty mood, or I'd say something about interesting phrasing (not yours, Mr A)...
8
@6 Uncut guys are hot. I don't think that Dan is showing a bias toward uncut, but he is dispelling the long mainstream yet harmful idea that uncircumcised penis are a turn off to romantic partners.
9
Hey some women like the down and dirty porn... we have fantasies too! I understand Lucy's disappointment in being shown 'vanilla porn' ...
Also about the girl fucking her bf's ass, I've been asked to do it, in the end he didn't want to actually do it, but it made me nervous... not for him so much but for me. (we're all for fingers and tongues - but as a straight girl, actually fucking a guy made me nervous.
Also about the girl fucking her bf's ass, I've been asked to do it, in the end he didn't want to actually do it, but it made me nervous... not for him so much but for me. (we're all for fingers and tongues - but as a straight girl, actually fucking a guy made me nervous.
10
Loved today's rant, Dan!! We Savage-loving vagina-havers appreciated the shout-out! You negelcted to add that most of us who listen to your podcast ALSO enjoy porn, but that's ok. I've always felt so sorry for my male friends who have wives and girlfriends who force them to hide their porn and jerk off in shame.... oh well, ladies, keep treating them like that and they'll come running to open-minded sluts like us! ;)
11
HA!! Lucy didn't catch on to Dan's sarcasm about the guy with the uncircumsized dick! Oh MAJOR points off, Lucy. tisk tisk tisk!
12
Regarding tiny hands - my hands are quite small, too, and my boyfriends have also appreciated my hand jobs. My college boyfriend thought it was fantastic my tiny hands made him feel like he his junk was enormous.
13
Lucy is absolutely adorable. The chemistry between her and Dan is fantastic and her unfiltered reactions to what he has to say have made me laugh out loud on quite a few occasions. Her laugh/giggle is not at all a problem, either, and I'm not sure why people dislike it so much.
I'd very much like to hear her as an occasional guest on the podcast, not just because she's as cute as a button but also because her perspective differs from Dan's and it's great to hear the POV of someone who is, perhaps, a little more "vanilla" than the world-weary Mr Savage.
I'd very much like to hear her as an occasional guest on the podcast, not just because she's as cute as a button but also because her perspective differs from Dan's and it's great to hear the POV of someone who is, perhaps, a little more "vanilla" than the world-weary Mr Savage.
14
Re: find his porn -- Women like that need a good strong slap. And I'm saying that as a mostly straight woman myself. I will say that if my boyfriend ever //really// hid his porn, it would worry me! Not cos I'm an updtight #$(FJH)%SFJ but because I'd really start to worry that it might be animals ... or corpses ... or kids. And to all the women who use something like Find His Porn (dot) com who freak out when they find Double Anal A2M ... get a life, No he doesn't want to do that to you, Yes ALL straight men objectify women (unless there is something seriously psychologically wrong with them), and just be glad it isn't animals or corpses or kids. Srsly.
Re: Tiny hands. I'm 5'7" and I have smaller hands than my already china-doll handed 5' mother. Never been an issue with guys. It actually makes them look bigger, which - being men - is a huge ego boost. Tiny hands should never be an issue ... strong gag reflex should.
Great show guys! :)
Re: Tiny hands. I'm 5'7" and I have smaller hands than my already china-doll handed 5' mother. Never been an issue with guys. It actually makes them look bigger, which - being men - is a huge ego boost. Tiny hands should never be an issue ... strong gag reflex should.
Great show guys! :)
15
Ok today's podcast made me want to bash my head into a wall.
I miss the tech savvy at risk youth soooo much! They would have gotten Dan stfu after ranting for a good while at the beginning of the show. I have NO PROBLEM with my husband watching porn. He does it while I'm in the room. He beats off to it while I'm in the room and I'm not in the mood to do anything. I sometimes watch with him if I'm in the mood and then we go and have some awesome sex.
You acknowledged, Dan, that the women listening to you are very likely not the women who would download that BS program - and yet you went on, and on, and on, and on, and on ..... ad infinitum - or so it seemed. And THEN, instead of getting to the calls, you and Lucy went on about the size of her HANDS. Seriously????
Thank GOD (and I don't even believe in god) that this was Lucy's last show because I wanted to scream. She would CRY if the guy she was making out with didn't have a boner?? She thought Dan was being SERIOUS when he told the guy to get circumcised??!! And best of all, she made faces when the guy called about his wife fucking him in the ass???!!! "Oh I feel scared for him" she says in her annoying baby voice. OMFG!!! I have a strap-on. I fuck my husband in the ass after he gives me some awesome orgasms. He loves it - I'm not a lesbian, and he's not gay. We can both do it without being insecure or babies about it because it's FUN for both of us!
To the caller, if you're really nervous about it, you can get strap on for "starters". They aren't as good but the fake dicks (in my experience) tend to have more give and are not as large (they don't look as scary). Then move on. Learning how to reverse roles can be a blast, so enjoy it! And Dan was right - beat off while she's fucking you in the ass. You will end up with a great orgasm that you could not get if your prostate wasn't getting stimulated!
More...
I miss the tech savvy at risk youth soooo much! They would have gotten Dan stfu after ranting for a good while at the beginning of the show. I have NO PROBLEM with my husband watching porn. He does it while I'm in the room. He beats off to it while I'm in the room and I'm not in the mood to do anything. I sometimes watch with him if I'm in the mood and then we go and have some awesome sex.
You acknowledged, Dan, that the women listening to you are very likely not the women who would download that BS program - and yet you went on, and on, and on, and on, and on ..... ad infinitum - or so it seemed. And THEN, instead of getting to the calls, you and Lucy went on about the size of her HANDS. Seriously????
Thank GOD (and I don't even believe in god) that this was Lucy's last show because I wanted to scream. She would CRY if the guy she was making out with didn't have a boner?? She thought Dan was being SERIOUS when he told the guy to get circumcised??!! And best of all, she made faces when the guy called about his wife fucking him in the ass???!!! "Oh I feel scared for him" she says in her annoying baby voice. OMFG!!! I have a strap-on. I fuck my husband in the ass after he gives me some awesome orgasms. He loves it - I'm not a lesbian, and he's not gay. We can both do it without being insecure or babies about it because it's FUN for both of us!
To the caller, if you're really nervous about it, you can get strap on for "starters". They aren't as good but the fake dicks (in my experience) tend to have more give and are not as large (they don't look as scary). Then move on. Learning how to reverse roles can be a blast, so enjoy it! And Dan was right - beat off while she's fucking you in the ass. You will end up with a great orgasm that you could not get if your prostate wasn't getting stimulated!
16
"I'm just afraid for hiiiiiiiiiiiiiim"
"Why?"
"I don't know..........."
ack!!! hahahaha!! dude, i'm sorry i'm so glad this is Lucy's last episode. Come back on the show when you grow up, Lil Lucy. ;)
"Why?"
"I don't know..........."
ack!!! hahahaha!! dude, i'm sorry i'm so glad this is Lucy's last episode. Come back on the show when you grow up, Lil Lucy. ;)
17
I love lucy,too. But people doing podcasts need to stop eating and drinking while recording. It's disgusting
20
I'm horrified that people made Lucy feel unwelcome by hating on her laugh! Lucy is lovable. I'm a sound engineer, and what I noticed was it took her an episode or two to get the hang of working the mic so she didn't blow the earbuds out of our ears when she laughed.
The only reason it might be good to get a break from her is the barfy love-on Dan's obviously got for her...reminiscent of the barfiness of the newly coupled, or the 9th grade barfy crush I had on my first fag hag. Please invite Lucy back for visits when your lady crush has subsided to non-barf levels Dan! Oh...and time for another fag hag episode maybe?
The only reason it might be good to get a break from her is the barfy love-on Dan's obviously got for her...reminiscent of the barfiness of the newly coupled, or the 9th grade barfy crush I had on my first fag hag. Please invite Lucy back for visits when your lady crush has subsided to non-barf levels Dan! Oh...and time for another fag hag episode maybe?
21
You know why people don't like Lucy? I think it's because she sounds insincere. She doesn't come off as authentic or truthful.
22
This is why people call you transphobic, Dan. Women =/= "vagina havers". Loads of women don't have vaginas, and are told so regularly (and often so violently) that they are not women that I don't know why you would say that.
23
I agree with Lucy; many men are really shy about sharing their porn. While I wouldn't read a man's diary, and have learned to not share my passwords, if the porn is in the cached history I would have a look. I don't do it out of insecurity, I'm just curious about what turns him on in his head other than than the things we share, and what kind of woman he considers hot, or if he'd be interested in the Leia bikini, etc. I would consider it research.
Wouldn't you think it was weird if your girlfriend wouldn't tell you that she thinks Hugh Jackman is hot? Or that she wishes Dan Savage was straight? I think it's easier to tell a guy who and what you like than ask him to shave his chest, or let his pubes grow back cause he looks 12....
The computer you share is like that indiscreet friend you share that tells both of you everything but you pretend you don't know.
Wouldn't you think it was weird if your girlfriend wouldn't tell you that she thinks Hugh Jackman is hot? Or that she wishes Dan Savage was straight? I think it's easier to tell a guy who and what you like than ask him to shave his chest, or let his pubes grow back cause he looks 12....
The computer you share is like that indiscreet friend you share that tells both of you everything but you pretend you don't know.
24
I have to say, I'm going to miss Lucy. I know some people found her annoying, but I've enjoyed the way she reacted to the calls. And it was nice to have a woman's pov represesented.
25
To the intact Canadian: if your guy is shallow enough to reject you on your dick, he's the wrong guy. It's one thing to have your hair cut in a certain way, or (not) have facial hair and a completely unreasonable to alter your body in a way that cannot be taken back.
Keep your foreskin, and delete the loser's number.
Keep your foreskin, and delete the loser's number.
26
(I'm a straight dude) and I just wanted to ask the ladies here.... Does PIV sex feel similar to anal play? I'm just curious. (I had a past girlfriend try sticking a finger in there for prostate stimulation and I didn't like it.... hell, I couldn't even get an erection, let alone masturbate).
So does PIV sex have that same sorta uncomfortableness or is it a TOTALLY different sensation?
So does PIV sex have that same sorta uncomfortableness or is it a TOTALLY different sensation?
29
Oh my poor, uncut guy in Northern Canada: I understand your dilemma (former North of 60'er myself) because up there, we have so few options to begin with, and even less for the queer community. Don't go getting circumsized just for that guy, there are more people who don't care than people who do care about the cut/uncut thing. Good luck!
30
Haters should shut yer collective cake hole. I love me some Lucy! She makes a great occasional sidekick, sounding board, sexless wife, etc., for the show, and I hope we hear from her again!
Also, the dick totally looks bigger when grabbed by those freakishly small hands.
Also, the dick totally looks bigger when grabbed by those freakishly small hands.
31
If you have unregistered comments hidden, #3 explains that the porn-finding software doesn't even work.
32
1.) I agree that the uncut guy should forget about the loser he dated, but why isn't OK for a guy to have a PREFERENCE for cut cock? Dan ragged on the guy not for acting like an inconsiderate jerk, but for having a preference.
2.) I love Lucy. She adds to the dynamic of the show. When it's just Dan we get a monologue or a lecture. With Lucy we get the same level of expertise, but the advice is delivered as a conversation.
3.) @22: Ugh, please.
2.) I love Lucy. She adds to the dynamic of the show. When it's just Dan we get a monologue or a lecture. With Lucy we get the same level of expertise, but the advice is delivered as a conversation.
3.) @22: Ugh, please.
33
Lucy was a huge plus for the podcast! Will miss her. She brought a helpful female perspective and was a great foil. Get her back!
34
Re cuckolding: I'm surprised Dan has never mentioned the root of the word. Cuckolding comes from cuckoo, some species of which are parasitic. Those that are lay their eggs in the nests of other birds, sometimes ejecting the eggs of the rightful resident in the process, thus forcing someone else to raise its young.
35
i am a girlfriend who gets upset about my boyfriend watching porn (while i'm at work, out of our apt etc.). the reason why i get upset is because our sex life has dwindled (its been almost 4 years together now) and he knows that i'm not satisfied. we've talked about the issue over and over, it's pretty common in relationships and we both agree that it's gotten kinda boring. the problem here is NOT porn itself, i love watching porn (alone and with him), i get very turned on by it. it's the fact that he watches porn while i'm out and puts ZERO effort into me when i get home. i was horny after work one evening and he went to bed, after watching hours of porn by himself. its a recurring thing, and it pisses me off so much because i have been very honest about wanting more sex in my relationship (spicing things up with some bondage, riskier sex etc which has been a huge challenge for me as i have really put myself out there). but he hasn't reciprocated the effort to change things up. zilch. porn is his preference in these situations, because it's easier for him to wack off to "internet sluts" than put the effort into our sex life. anyway, the relationship isn't nearly as terrible as i'm making it out to be, but this is a big issue for sure. i absolutely love you dan savage, but i completely disagree that girls who get upset about boyfriend porn usage is stupid insecurities and that he should probably just dump me. its not cool, it's an issue, and my feelings matter.
(ps, i would NEVER use a "find his porn" computer program to dig up stuff on his laptop, ever.)
(ps, i would NEVER use a "find his porn" computer program to dig up stuff on his laptop, ever.)
36
Lucy is young, sex-positive, and not obviously insane. Two out of those three would probably be enough for most straight guys out there. I don't find her that off-putting, but the idea of DAN having SOMEONE ELSE to DO HIS LAUNDRY and GET HIM FOOD while he's on a BUSINESS TRIP? That's just too 1% for words!
38
Lucy, I am sad to hear you go!
I disagree with the bad reviews, particularly, as sometimes when I need a laugh I listen to podcast #262 when Lucy says "But two poops is...no. But poop on my couch twice, shame on you"
I disagree with the bad reviews, particularly, as sometimes when I need a laugh I listen to podcast #262 when Lucy says "But two poops is...no. But poop on my couch twice, shame on you"
39
Enjoyed the podcast, as always....and I'm one of the gay dudes who enjoyed Lucy's participation. I am also one of the folks who did NOT hear you eating or drinking, must be due to my age affected hearing deficiet.
Excellent advice to the Canadian guy....keep yourself intact, trust me, there are PLENTY of men who find uncut guys especially sexy.
The only other thing I have to add would be for the guy with his questions about cuckholding....or any other sexual term. I've found that urbandictionary.com has been quite helpful to me in understanding modern lingo.
Excellent advice to the Canadian guy....keep yourself intact, trust me, there are PLENTY of men who find uncut guys especially sexy.
The only other thing I have to add would be for the guy with his questions about cuckholding....or any other sexual term. I've found that urbandictionary.com has been quite helpful to me in understanding modern lingo.
40
Thanks lucy! Sometimes dan intimidates me with his sex knowledge, but you are so normal. (everyone is normal compared to dan :)).
Will miss you! Please drop a giggle here and there for the haters.
Will miss you! Please drop a giggle here and there for the haters.
41
Thanks lucy! Sometimes dan intimidates me with his sex knowledge, but you are so normal. (everyone is normal compared to dan :)).
Will miss you! Please drop a giggle here and there for the haters.
Will miss you! Please drop a giggle here and there for the haters.
42
@cherry_1985: I'd say you have a relationship problem, not a porn problem. It seems your b/f prefers sex with himself to sex with you. There are a few possible reasons for this--the old madonna/whore thing, the usual post-honeymoon dropoff you mention or the possibility that he's just not attracted to you sexually anymore. Or maybe a bit of all three.
I used to be in a similar situation (as the guy). I loved my g/f but the sexual attraction had evaporated over time. I was a shit and dragged it out longer than I should have, but eventually ended it. I'm not saying this is the issue, but it's possible you've fallen into the "just friends" rut. If that's the case, you have to face the possibility that this--no sexual attraction--isn't something that can be fixed and it may be time not for your b/f to dump you but for you to dump him.
I used to be in a similar situation (as the guy). I loved my g/f but the sexual attraction had evaporated over time. I was a shit and dragged it out longer than I should have, but eventually ended it. I'm not saying this is the issue, but it's possible you've fallen into the "just friends" rut. If that's the case, you have to face the possibility that this--no sexual attraction--isn't something that can be fixed and it may be time not for your b/f to dump you but for you to dump him.
44
@EMC: Yes, but are you a vaginally-equipped MAN, a vaginally-equipped WOMAN, a vaginally-equipped man who used to be a woman, a vaginally-equipped woman who sometimes feels manly...............? (See #22)
45
MUUHHHH WHY IS LUCY LEAVING?!?! This is total garbage. Lucy is so great. Man! The chemistry is great and she has a beautiful voice.
46
@26: Totally different sensation, IMO. I hate having things in my ass, I love having things in my vagina. I will say, however, that it isn't comfortable to have something in my vagina when it's dry, but it's nothing like having something in my ass.
@35: On the contrary, I think you're demonstrating the point. It's not his porn that's the problem, it's the fact that he's more attracted to it than he is to you, and you should just dump him already. And now I see that @42 already said this, but my God, you're a kinky woman- why on earth would you put up with this bullshit? There are so many nice, stable, hot men in this world who would probably be a better boyfriend for you than this guy; I think you should go find them.
As for Lucy: although I don't hate her, I'm glad she won't be on the show anymore. It wasn't until that pegging call that I think Dan noticed any inkling of her naivete. I mean, really- if a guy is going to get his ass pegged by an experienced strap-on wielder, there's no damn reason to be afraid for him. I'm fine with having straight, vanilla-girl perspectives on this show, but I definitely prefer them to come with some intelligence and/or world experience.
@35: On the contrary, I think you're demonstrating the point. It's not his porn that's the problem, it's the fact that he's more attracted to it than he is to you, and you should just dump him already. And now I see that @42 already said this, but my God, you're a kinky woman- why on earth would you put up with this bullshit? There are so many nice, stable, hot men in this world who would probably be a better boyfriend for you than this guy; I think you should go find them.
As for Lucy: although I don't hate her, I'm glad she won't be on the show anymore. It wasn't until that pegging call that I think Dan noticed any inkling of her naivete. I mean, really- if a guy is going to get his ass pegged by an experienced strap-on wielder, there's no damn reason to be afraid for him. I'm fine with having straight, vanilla-girl perspectives on this show, but I definitely prefer them to come with some intelligence and/or world experience.
47
Dan! You are now the great hated Satan of the left-handed community. How completely hurtful and insensitive.
49
I hope we get to hear from Lucy again in the future. It's great to bring in a new, different voice to the show.
50
Awww man, this is Lucy's last show? That's too bad, I thought you two had great chemistry. Bring her back sometimes, Dan!
51
Dan missed a great opportunity to make a joke about divorcing his wife while staying together with his husband. Too bad.
52
The woman who justified dumping a guy because she is "more sexually mature" than him makes my blood boil. Twenty years ago, I was a grad student in my mid twenties who had not lost his virginity until he turned twenty. A woman, let's call her L, dumped me and latter said it was because she was "much more sexually experienced" than me. Um, hello, how the fuck are people with less sexual experience supposed to get sexual experience if lack of sexual experience is a reason for not fucking them? Looking back, however, L did me a huge favor. She was the type of person who worked in a drug rehab center and dated a married guy who was selling to their clients! (She told me this directly.) I also discovered she had been cheating on me ("Oh, I didn't want you to find out that way") when the guy answered the phone.
I have been with the next woman I got serious with for 19 years now--maried for 15.
I have been with the next woman I got serious with for 19 years now--maried for 15.
54
@26 - not the same at all. The only way I can think to put it is that the vagina is a sexual organ, while the ass is not. That's not to say that ass play can't be erotic, but for me it's erotic the way having your toes sucked is erotic - it's great, but it's not really the same. Even though the clit is outside, there is a lot of clitoral tissue inside - the vagina is sorta the back of the clit, in a way.
55
@35. I'm in the same boat with porn. I use it myself on a weekly basis. Because of my firsthand experience, I understand exactly why I shouldn't feel threatened by it: it's just an impersonal masturbatory aid, none of the people or images stick with me in any long-lasting way, naked people are enjoyable to look at, and I definitely do not think it's cheating. But I do feel threatened by it.
I'm insecure about it precisely because (after 2 and 1/2 years) my sex life with my fiance is not all that. He's a good 15 years older than me and claims that his lower sex drive is age-related, but he watches porn almost every single day. He watches it while I'm in another room, when he could be using that horniness to get with me. Believe me, I would drop everything to have sex with him. We have sex one to two times a week, but I am always the initiator. Without fail. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm scheduling his soccer practice or something, and that makes me stressed / tense / insecure. I worry that his frequent porn use deadens his sexual interest in me. At the same time, since he is so much older and has been in so many other relationships, I know that this has been his pattern for a long, long time and isn't anything personal.
The relationship is perfect in every other way. He frequently compliments me, does things around the house to make me happy, sends me sweet text messages, conceals his porn use (for the most part), spends lots of time with me, takes me out on dates, and raves about how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He brags to his friends and mother about my cleverness and wittiness and charm. He's been around the block with dating and was married once before, and has expressed that he wants to settle down in a monogamous marriage--that it's what he's wanted for a very long time. He does emphasize that he is not monogamous enough to stop looking at porn, which I am fine with. And weirdly, I'm not insecure about him looking at real-life women or straying from me, because he makes me feel awesome and unique. We're compatible in almost every single way, and I can't imagine life with anyone else. He's the best thing that's happened to me, too.
But he rarely initiates sex, it seems to take him awhile to become aroused by me, and the sex is mostly eyes closed / lights off. Shit. I'm young, fit, pretty, and (again) would be happy to drop everything for the opportunity to have sex with him. He hasn't really said what a good level of sex for him would be, but I suspect it might be lower than twice a week. Any time I try to open up to him about my feelings, he gets extremely defensive and what I want to be a level-headed discussion turns into an argument about the future of the relationship, in which he claims I will never be satisfied by him and perhaps we should nip it in the bud. Then I feel worse because I don't feel safe bringing up my worries. (In his defense, he said he's sick of hearing the same complaint again and again.) I don't want to end it, though. I know that what ultimately matters is compatibility in personality, and we're a perfect fit. The sex in any relationship will drop off after the honeymoon period or with age. I know that sexual relationships can't always be ideal.That isn't to say sex isn't important, though.
I guess what I'm missing is the *feeling desired* part. I'd be more comfortable with his porn use if he couldn't keep his hands off of me or if he initiated more and just ravished me. When he's turned on by me, I feel confident and sexy. I want to feel wanted; I don't want sex to be a chore that he has to perform a set number of times a week in order to make me happy. He reassures me that I'm the sexiest woman he's ever been with, but his actions just don't match his words. I don't just want to be reassured that I'm sexy, I want evidence.
I know that Dan would probably just chalk this up to an unfortunate difference in sex drives and tell me to move on, but that's not what I want. I want advice about how to make this work. I want to know how to talk to him in a way that reassures him that my insecurities aren't an indicator that secretly, deep down, I want to break up with him and would be better off without someone else. I wish this were a clear-cut issue of insecurity, but it's not. Are there any men out there who have been in the same position as my fiance? Any women who have been in my position and worked it out?
More...
I'm insecure about it precisely because (after 2 and 1/2 years) my sex life with my fiance is not all that. He's a good 15 years older than me and claims that his lower sex drive is age-related, but he watches porn almost every single day. He watches it while I'm in another room, when he could be using that horniness to get with me. Believe me, I would drop everything to have sex with him. We have sex one to two times a week, but I am always the initiator. Without fail. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm scheduling his soccer practice or something, and that makes me stressed / tense / insecure. I worry that his frequent porn use deadens his sexual interest in me. At the same time, since he is so much older and has been in so many other relationships, I know that this has been his pattern for a long, long time and isn't anything personal.
The relationship is perfect in every other way. He frequently compliments me, does things around the house to make me happy, sends me sweet text messages, conceals his porn use (for the most part), spends lots of time with me, takes me out on dates, and raves about how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He brags to his friends and mother about my cleverness and wittiness and charm. He's been around the block with dating and was married once before, and has expressed that he wants to settle down in a monogamous marriage--that it's what he's wanted for a very long time. He does emphasize that he is not monogamous enough to stop looking at porn, which I am fine with. And weirdly, I'm not insecure about him looking at real-life women or straying from me, because he makes me feel awesome and unique. We're compatible in almost every single way, and I can't imagine life with anyone else. He's the best thing that's happened to me, too.
But he rarely initiates sex, it seems to take him awhile to become aroused by me, and the sex is mostly eyes closed / lights off. Shit. I'm young, fit, pretty, and (again) would be happy to drop everything for the opportunity to have sex with him. He hasn't really said what a good level of sex for him would be, but I suspect it might be lower than twice a week. Any time I try to open up to him about my feelings, he gets extremely defensive and what I want to be a level-headed discussion turns into an argument about the future of the relationship, in which he claims I will never be satisfied by him and perhaps we should nip it in the bud. Then I feel worse because I don't feel safe bringing up my worries. (In his defense, he said he's sick of hearing the same complaint again and again.) I don't want to end it, though. I know that what ultimately matters is compatibility in personality, and we're a perfect fit. The sex in any relationship will drop off after the honeymoon period or with age. I know that sexual relationships can't always be ideal.That isn't to say sex isn't important, though.
I guess what I'm missing is the *feeling desired* part. I'd be more comfortable with his porn use if he couldn't keep his hands off of me or if he initiated more and just ravished me. When he's turned on by me, I feel confident and sexy. I want to feel wanted; I don't want sex to be a chore that he has to perform a set number of times a week in order to make me happy. He reassures me that I'm the sexiest woman he's ever been with, but his actions just don't match his words. I don't just want to be reassured that I'm sexy, I want evidence.
I know that Dan would probably just chalk this up to an unfortunate difference in sex drives and tell me to move on, but that's not what I want. I want advice about how to make this work. I want to know how to talk to him in a way that reassures him that my insecurities aren't an indicator that secretly, deep down, I want to break up with him and would be better off without someone else. I wish this were a clear-cut issue of insecurity, but it's not. Are there any men out there who have been in the same position as my fiance? Any women who have been in my position and worked it out?
58
@42 [repete] and @46 [ alguna_rubia ]
thanks for the comments, you two seem to understand where i'm coming from.
thanks for the comments, you two seem to understand where i'm coming from.
59
* about the pr0n finder not working, not only is the concept shameful but also that they charge $20 for such a weak-ass product. Seriously, they just look at file names? No sophisticated naked-skin finding algorithms? Lame!
* I love Lucy too. She is a young, straight, female counterpart to Dan's (slightly) older gay male self, and also often served as a foil (or "straight woman") for Dan to bounce his advice off of (see her pegging and circumcision reactions in the last podcast as an example of that).
If Lucy is Dan's wife she needn't be his Kim Kardashian - divorced after a few months. He should definitely bring her back occasionally. With Skype etc. they don't even need to be in the same city.
* Cuckolding - I always thought that came from "cock old", i.e. an old rooster who has to watch younger roosters having their way with "his" hens.
* I agree that the woman in 35 is not really upset about the porn per se but abut not getting enough (sexual) attention from her bf. She needs to face the possibility that the relationship might be doomed because he lost interest and to talk openly with him with that in mind.
* I love Lucy too. She is a young, straight, female counterpart to Dan's (slightly) older gay male self, and also often served as a foil (or "straight woman") for Dan to bounce his advice off of (see her pegging and circumcision reactions in the last podcast as an example of that).
If Lucy is Dan's wife she needn't be his Kim Kardashian - divorced after a few months. He should definitely bring her back occasionally. With Skype etc. they don't even need to be in the same city.
* Cuckolding - I always thought that came from "cock old", i.e. an old rooster who has to watch younger roosters having their way with "his" hens.
* I agree that the woman in 35 is not really upset about the porn per se but abut not getting enough (sexual) attention from her bf. She needs to face the possibility that the relationship might be doomed because he lost interest and to talk openly with him with that in mind.
60
Thank god this is the last show with Lucy. It's not even her as much as the dynamic between her and Dan that's so fucking annoying.
61
More Lucy! More Lucy!
It's nice to have a straight vagina perspective to compare to Dan's qay cock perspective.
It's nice to have a straight vagina perspective to compare to Dan's qay cock perspective.
63
omg, don't care for Lucy at all.
yikes, where is the brilliance and the witty banter and should be there to sit chair side with you.
in fact even you, dan, sounded like you giving her some shit this time. playing to her clear insecurity in her ability to express herself.
yikes, where is the brilliance and the witty banter and should be there to sit chair side with you.
in fact even you, dan, sounded like you giving her some shit this time. playing to her clear insecurity in her ability to express herself.
64
Lucy is Amazing!!! Normally guests on the podcast are awkward or have strange voices, but Lucy is perfect. I hope she comes back!
65
Lucy has a great voice.
But she is annoying as hell. Most of what she says comes off as fake and super affected.
But she is annoying as hell. Most of what she says comes off as fake and super affected.
66
Once again, I love Lucy. However, Hunter78 makes a very good point ( comment #136) on the 12/7/11 Savage Love column, calling basically calling her out as a lightweight that's basically just decoration and comparing her to Ed McMahon, Kelly Ripa, Robin Quivers, etc.
67
@55 - there is a way to make this work, but you might not like it. It's to accept that this is how he is, and that everything else he brings to the relationship is worth it. To look at who he is, clearly and fearlessly, and chose him.
I know, that's not what you want to hear. You want a way to make him be the way you want him to be. Sorry, I don't think there is a way to get that. All you can do is, without lying to yourself, decide that you can live with this, and live with your decision. Or, decide that you can't, and leave.
I know, that's not what you want to hear. You want a way to make him be the way you want him to be. Sorry, I don't think there is a way to get that. All you can do is, without lying to yourself, decide that you can live with this, and live with your decision. Or, decide that you can't, and leave.
68
Thanks for the info agony and alguna rubia. I'm glad to hear that it is a totally different sensation. (puts my mind at ease)
69
@35 and @55
Ladies, I feel for you. But at the end of the day, you have to make a decision...either you choose to stay because everything else is wonderful, and you just accept that you are in a "companion" relationship and find ways to manage the sex issue (ie. open relationships), OR you look really hard at the lack of a sexual connection and call time on the relationship.
As the person who was hit with the low libido in my relationship with my ex-husband, I know all about the ease of porn. Around year 2.5, we hit a very serious issue which I took very badly. No cheating or anything, but he said something that hurt my heart so much. I stayed because I loved him, and I was determined to fight for the relationship, but the intimacy we had was gone. Sex got to be a chore instead of a pleasure because I didn't deal with the actual issue. It only got worse as the years went on, but we stayed together because everything else about us worked. After 11 years together, and a year plus of marriage, we had to finally admit to ourselves that we were the best of friends, and we did love each other, but both in our early 30's, we were too young to give up that intimacy and sex. Today, more than a year later, we are both in relationships, and I haven't met her yet, but I gather from him that she makes him happy, in all the ways necessary for a healthy relationship. I'm so sorry to him that I couldn't do it, but more than anything, I'm happy because he seems to have found someone who will give him what I couldn't.
You have to ask yourself, and really consider this...if they'd rather rely on the porn than the readily-available-pootie...in what other ways could they not be there for you in the future?
It's a gamble...do you stay because everything else is okay, just not the sex? Or do you go and hope to find someone who can be your best friend, steady companion, AND your lover? My ex and I had faith, took the chance, and as sad as I am that we got hurt, I'm consoled by the fact that the risk payed off, and he's got someone to love AND fuck.
More...
Ladies, I feel for you. But at the end of the day, you have to make a decision...either you choose to stay because everything else is wonderful, and you just accept that you are in a "companion" relationship and find ways to manage the sex issue (ie. open relationships), OR you look really hard at the lack of a sexual connection and call time on the relationship.
As the person who was hit with the low libido in my relationship with my ex-husband, I know all about the ease of porn. Around year 2.5, we hit a very serious issue which I took very badly. No cheating or anything, but he said something that hurt my heart so much. I stayed because I loved him, and I was determined to fight for the relationship, but the intimacy we had was gone. Sex got to be a chore instead of a pleasure because I didn't deal with the actual issue. It only got worse as the years went on, but we stayed together because everything else about us worked. After 11 years together, and a year plus of marriage, we had to finally admit to ourselves that we were the best of friends, and we did love each other, but both in our early 30's, we were too young to give up that intimacy and sex. Today, more than a year later, we are both in relationships, and I haven't met her yet, but I gather from him that she makes him happy, in all the ways necessary for a healthy relationship. I'm so sorry to him that I couldn't do it, but more than anything, I'm happy because he seems to have found someone who will give him what I couldn't.
You have to ask yourself, and really consider this...if they'd rather rely on the porn than the readily-available-pootie...in what other ways could they not be there for you in the future?
It's a gamble...do you stay because everything else is okay, just not the sex? Or do you go and hope to find someone who can be your best friend, steady companion, AND your lover? My ex and I had faith, took the chance, and as sad as I am that we got hurt, I'm consoled by the fact that the risk payed off, and he's got someone to love AND fuck.
70
Count me in as another Lucy-lover. I thought she was great, all around.
I just wanted to say, though, she was completely wrong to feel bad for the dude marrying the lesbian-turned-queer. Some guys have all the luck. I never had the fantasy that a lesbian just needed some of my magic penis to suddenly turn straight, but I'd love to have a chick who appreciated chicks as much as I do...and would be delighted to peg me. I'm a straight guy and all I can say is: this guy found a unicorn, for realsies...no need to be afraid for him, I don't think this wish will turn out like the monkey's paw.
Guy: you are about to have one of the most wonderful experiences you can! If you can take her dildo, you can take the strap on. And truly, it's just fantastic. Buy yourself a plug to wear before sex to adjust some, kind of like warming up and stretching before a game...which in fact is not even a metaphor...it's the real thing.
I just wanted to say, though, she was completely wrong to feel bad for the dude marrying the lesbian-turned-queer. Some guys have all the luck. I never had the fantasy that a lesbian just needed some of my magic penis to suddenly turn straight, but I'd love to have a chick who appreciated chicks as much as I do...and would be delighted to peg me. I'm a straight guy and all I can say is: this guy found a unicorn, for realsies...no need to be afraid for him, I don't think this wish will turn out like the monkey's paw.
Guy: you are about to have one of the most wonderful experiences you can! If you can take her dildo, you can take the strap on. And truly, it's just fantastic. Buy yourself a plug to wear before sex to adjust some, kind of like warming up and stretching before a game...which in fact is not even a metaphor...it's the real thing.
71
Every time I hear the words "nice" when describing a man or a woman, I hear "inadequate." Why can't we just strike this fucking word from the dating/sex vocabulary. Has ANYONE ever described one of you as nice and told you they want to have a sexy relationship with you and/or a long term relationship with them? Really? Say to yourself, like you are talking about someone you might date, "He/She is really nice...." without saying "...but...." in that or the next sentence. It doesn't work out well for them.
As a person, I have great manners, am clean and clean cut (save for a tattoo that can't be seen while I'm dressed), but also rather GGG and funny. My clients, parents and neighbors think I'm nice. Yet, I pulled a "Lucy" (as described in this podcast as leaving town without saying goodbye or ending the relationship) and unnecessarily hurt people that loved me when I was younger and less experienced. I've been described as "assertive", "kinky" and "fun" in bed. Never "nice". I've also been on the other end of a "Lucy" and it doesn't seem very nice.
"My girl/boyfriend wants to peg me! Isn't he/she so nice?"
"That guy/woman is so nice, I want to fuck them!"
"I want to marry him/her. They're always nice...."
"You seem so nice! Can I have your phone number?"
As a person, I have great manners, am clean and clean cut (save for a tattoo that can't be seen while I'm dressed), but also rather GGG and funny. My clients, parents and neighbors think I'm nice. Yet, I pulled a "Lucy" (as described in this podcast as leaving town without saying goodbye or ending the relationship) and unnecessarily hurt people that loved me when I was younger and less experienced. I've been described as "assertive", "kinky" and "fun" in bed. Never "nice". I've also been on the other end of a "Lucy" and it doesn't seem very nice.
"My girl/boyfriend wants to peg me! Isn't he/she so nice?"
"That guy/woman is so nice, I want to fuck them!"
"I want to marry him/her. They're always nice...."
"You seem so nice! Can I have your phone number?"
72
After years of regular listening I think I have discovered the thing that will help me break my addiction to the Lovecast, and that thing is the sound of Dan and Lucy's inane chit chat. WTF is the point of the sidekick? Because let me tell you Dan Savage the witty banter is not so witty...in fact its about the worst thing ever. Please, I have no doubt that Lucy is a nice person and capable producer...she just brings nothing to the show.
74
YAY!! Lucy, the unexperienced, baby voiced, agree with everything Dan says, not sex positive woman is gone!! I leap for joy!! I had to syop listening to the podcast while she was on, so annoying.
76
I really enjoyed Lucy, and I giggled to myself hearing you guys eating, knowing how many people it was going to piss off. I liked the relaxed atmosphere. It felt like I was hanging out with friends.
77
I just want Lucy to know I have tiny tiny hands too, my friends make fun of me all the time. My ring finger is a 4 1/2.
78
Just have to throw this out there, I was a little peeved that the fact that plenty of WOMEN also watch porn. I happen to watch way more than my husband and I don't like sharing it with him all the time. Basically I was consciously including myself every time Dan or Lucy mentioned men and porn. Women watch it and need it too! Please acknowledge this.
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