Savage Love Podcast Comments
Savage Love Episode 273
1
To the woman with her insane, privacy invading sister, consider speaking with a lawyer regarding your sister gross breach of your right to privacy.
2
Semen is an alkaline not a acid for those chemistry major's out there following the podcast not acidic like Dan said.
There are several Weak Acid cleanser that you can buy that should counter some of the burning sensation if your extremely sensitive.
There are several Weak Acid cleanser that you can buy that should counter some of the burning sensation if your extremely sensitive.
3
I am a straight 30-something woman and I have sex dreams that wake me up with orgasms on a regular basis. Also, the less sex I am having in my waking hours, the more of these sex dream orgasms I have.
4
I don't know about Elizabeth Santorum's gay friends, but the one gay friend of Rick Santorum's who supports him politically is Robert Traynham, his former chief of staff. I agree, there's some self-loathing going on there.
5
Yup, semen is definitely alkaline, not acidic. The soap is also alkaline, so it may be the case that using the soap to wash her face caused her eyes to dry out even more or be slightly burned, hence the pain. Try a pH-balanced soap (tears-free soaps for infants/toddlers should be good) or a slightly acidic soap as #2 recommends.
6
I'm surprised you didn't mention Santorum being called the "flavor of the week," Dan. That was the best (worst) one to my ears.
7
Oh, and if by some horrible twist of fate Santorum becomes president? Everyone will finally know that the country has truly gone to shit.
8
Dan, I think you missed the mark slightly on that sex-positive sex worker whose boyfriend was asking her to leave the business. You were right in saying that if he can't get the fuck over it and she doesn't want to leave the business, the relationship should end. But before that point, a lot more soul-searching can be done.
This is how I'd frame it: His ultimatum is lazy. He doesn't want to do the work of getting over his jealousy in order to be with his girlfriend; he'd rather worship his jealousy. Or he doesn't know that his jealousy is surmountable. Instead of posing an ultimatum right back at him, which will only lead to the destruction of the relationship, she should find articles on poly jealousy on the web (there are five MILLION of them - poly people love to write about jealousy), and try to urge him to get over his jealousy in order to save the relationship.
If he can manage it - and it's a lot of hard work, of course - their relationship will emerge stronger. Not only because he'll have demonstrated his devotion to their relationship and to who she is, but because a relationship which works through jealousy on both sides is stronger than one which tries to sidestep jealousy by changing behavior.
Of course, if he can't manage it, and she can't abandon her career, they do need to break up.
This is how I'd frame it: His ultimatum is lazy. He doesn't want to do the work of getting over his jealousy in order to be with his girlfriend; he'd rather worship his jealousy. Or he doesn't know that his jealousy is surmountable. Instead of posing an ultimatum right back at him, which will only lead to the destruction of the relationship, she should find articles on poly jealousy on the web (there are five MILLION of them - poly people love to write about jealousy), and try to urge him to get over his jealousy in order to save the relationship.
If he can manage it - and it's a lot of hard work, of course - their relationship will emerge stronger. Not only because he'll have demonstrated his devotion to their relationship and to who she is, but because a relationship which works through jealousy on both sides is stronger than one which tries to sidestep jealousy by changing behavior.
Of course, if he can't manage it, and she can't abandon her career, they do need to break up.
11
To the woman who had her private sex life invaded by here sister, own it, and out your sister as an invasive cunt.
Tell her to fuck off, ensure your loved ones that you and your partner have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship.
Don't worry about defining yourself as straight or bi, it sounds like you have no problem articulating your desire, and the only people that have to know about it are the people you choose to be with.
All the best in your relationship, love and fun. Disown that sister if she doesn't grow up; part of me wonders if she's just jealous that you have such an honest lifestyle.
Tell her to fuck off, ensure your loved ones that you and your partner have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship.
Don't worry about defining yourself as straight or bi, it sounds like you have no problem articulating your desire, and the only people that have to know about it are the people you choose to be with.
All the best in your relationship, love and fun. Disown that sister if she doesn't grow up; part of me wonders if she's just jealous that you have such an honest lifestyle.
12
Apropos of nothing except frequent topics of the podcast... did you see Dear Abby today? 14-year-old girl says her 14-year-old boyfriend is "addicted to porn." Abby's advice: DTMFA, because you sure don't want him trying the nasty secks stuff with you! I mean really. Please!
13
I think a lot of women probably have orgasms in their dreams and don't know it.
I have a condition called endometriosis. Around my 30s, it started to cause me intense pain after orgasm during the week leading up to my period. That is when cramps started waking me up in the middle of the night. Sometimes they would wake me up in the middle of the dream. Because I'm waking right after the dream, I can remember it and know it was a dream where I orgasmed.
This is the only reason I know I orgasm in dreams. If it weren't for this condition, I would still have no idea it was happening.
I have a condition called endometriosis. Around my 30s, it started to cause me intense pain after orgasm during the week leading up to my period. That is when cramps started waking me up in the middle of the night. Sometimes they would wake me up in the middle of the dream. Because I'm waking right after the dream, I can remember it and know it was a dream where I orgasmed.
This is the only reason I know I orgasm in dreams. If it weren't for this condition, I would still have no idea it was happening.
14
I totally have orgasms in my dreams! Not all the time, sometimes i'm having a sex dream and i wake up before i get to get off. But I know when i've had one, I usually wake up right after. Or I remember later in the day. And they usually happen if I haven't masturbated in a while. I thought that happened to most women! I was surprised that Dan wasn't really sure on that one...
@12, omg ew! Dear Abby is a PRUDE.
@12, omg ew! Dear Abby is a PRUDE.
15
I'm a gay 27 year-old woman, and I have orgasms in my sleep all the time. I have since I was 13. Most of the time I'll come as I'm waking up, but it's still when I'm dreaming or mostly asleep. I would say to the caller that it's not unusual for a woman to have an orgasm in her sleep, and also, the stuff that I dream about doesn't always arouses me in my waking hours. Let's face it. Dreams are weird. Maybe it's because I've had dreams like that my whole life that it doesn't occur to me that my subconscious is trying to reveal to me. I like analyzing my dreams, but I wouldn't take my dreams too seriously.
16
As an experienced practitioner, I'm here to endorse the perpendicular facial: the male is off to one side of his partner, and things are angled such that the semen will travel *across* the face, hitting the mouth, lips, nose, cheeks, and chin... but not the eyes. This is pretty reliable, and will probably satisfy the facial fetishist much more than would the pearl necklace (which I find to be a terrible substitute).
17
Came here to say what dchari said in comment # 8. dchari said it better than I could.
One note about ultimatums: accepting one is a lose-lose situation. A better way to handle ultimatums is to reject them. To see that it is NOT about "offering" you a choice: it is entirely the other person being inconsiderate, controlling, perhaps even abusive. The reaction to an ultimatum should be: that is _your_ decision to make. Don't pretend that it's mine.
Imagine if the caller responded with “No, dear, that isn't my decision to make. You knew this was the deal when we started dating. I hear that your feelings have changed, that something about my work now disturbs you. I am willing to listen to your concerns. I am willing to discuss solutions and to grow with you. But by throwing this ultimatum at me you are insulting me, because this is a choice and decision that YOU are making. Not I.”
One note about ultimatums: accepting one is a lose-lose situation. A better way to handle ultimatums is to reject them. To see that it is NOT about "offering" you a choice: it is entirely the other person being inconsiderate, controlling, perhaps even abusive. The reaction to an ultimatum should be: that is _your_ decision to make. Don't pretend that it's mine.
Imagine if the caller responded with “No, dear, that isn't my decision to make. You knew this was the deal when we started dating. I hear that your feelings have changed, that something about my work now disturbs you. I am willing to listen to your concerns. I am willing to discuss solutions and to grow with you. But by throwing this ultimatum at me you are insulting me, because this is a choice and decision that YOU are making. Not I.”
19
Yikes! -About the eye chlamydia-
I also have dreams about sexual situations that I would never consider in real life. Like, sex with relatives (eww in real life) and rape (also not a real turn-on) and sex with my ex-husband that is way hotter than it was in real life. And Goddammit, I didn't like him very much when we split up so why are my dreams so fond of him?
Who knows why we dream what we do. Maybe to show us what we are NOT into.
Also, I totally climax in my sleep, but, upon awakening I find that it totally occurred in my head (this would seem to differ from @13's experience).
I also have dreams about sexual situations that I would never consider in real life. Like, sex with relatives (eww in real life) and rape (also not a real turn-on) and sex with my ex-husband that is way hotter than it was in real life. And Goddammit, I didn't like him very much when we split up so why are my dreams so fond of him?
Who knows why we dream what we do. Maybe to show us what we are NOT into.
Also, I totally climax in my sleep, but, upon awakening I find that it totally occurred in my head (this would seem to differ from @13's experience).
20
Man, cut that couple's third some slack. Just because he fell in love and and wanted to be with the caller's wife doesn't make him a disrespectful asshole. You were a bit hard edged this week, Dan. I sense you were in need of baked goods. Or possibly Lucy.
21
Is it possible that the privacy-invading sister was a juvenile? I couldn't understand why the caller wasn't more angry about it.
22
Dear the woman with the crazy cunt sister;
One thing I kept hearing in your call is family members telling you, "I didn't want to know this." Well, you know what? You're not the one that told them.
Dan mentioned that you shouldn't apologize, but I want to emphasize this: *you did nothing wrong*. Your sister violated your right to privacy by getting into your email account, and THEN she violated your family's right to ignorance by sending your emails to them, and what she did would be just as reprehensible (if less scandalous) if you and your boyfriend only had completely vanilla heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the purposes of procreation.
So to the next family member to approach you about this issue like it's your fault, make sure you tell them, "You know, I was perfectly happy to never discuss my sex life with my family until my sister violated both our privacies. So you can feel free to disapprove of me, but if you want to be angry at someone, go be angry at her."
One thing I kept hearing in your call is family members telling you, "I didn't want to know this." Well, you know what? You're not the one that told them.
Dan mentioned that you shouldn't apologize, but I want to emphasize this: *you did nothing wrong*. Your sister violated your right to privacy by getting into your email account, and THEN she violated your family's right to ignorance by sending your emails to them, and what she did would be just as reprehensible (if less scandalous) if you and your boyfriend only had completely vanilla heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the purposes of procreation.
So to the next family member to approach you about this issue like it's your fault, make sure you tell them, "You know, I was perfectly happy to never discuss my sex life with my family until my sister violated both our privacies. So you can feel free to disapprove of me, but if you want to be angry at someone, go be angry at her."
23
I just wanted to pop in to say that women absolutely can have orgasms in their dreams. My sister and I call them "female wet dreams," thought they're not as wet as the male kind. I've been having orgasms in my sleep since I was a teenager, and I'm 42 now. They do wake me up, at least enough to know that I'm having them, which lets me enjoy it to the fullest. :)
24
People have dreams where they enjoy sex with people they'd never want to bang in real life. I don't see why it couldn't be the same way with sex acts.
25
I have had countless, mind blowing orgasms in my sleep. The first time it happened, I had just stopped taking an antidepressant that killed all sensation below the belt. What a pleasant surprise! Then, for the last year (possibly more) of my marriage where I was beyond deprived of satisfying sex, I had 'wet dreams' probably 3-4 times per week on average. Sometimes they were sexual dreams, and other times I didn't remember anything except the actual orgasm. They stopped completely and abruptly the moment I finally made the decision to leave him, and I haven't had another since, going on about two years now.
27
In regards to the caller who's sister hacked into her email and forwarded personal, lurid emails to everyone in her contacts, including immediate family:
I'm kind of disturbed that her family is more concerned with callers sex life than the fact that her sister committed what in many states in the U.S. is at least a Class B Misdemeanor under computer crimes and right to privacy laws.
But it seems in matters such as sex, when supposedly out of the norm acts like threesomes are revealed publicly, people seem to forgive the one who illegally hacked into someone's email or computer because the threesome is more shocking and ripe for vilification.
The caller's sex life should be her business and her business only, and if her sister had not been a total piece of bat-shit crazy scum, it still would be, nobody would be any wiser and they would still love the caller and her fiance for who they are, not hate them for the sex they have.
Funny how that works, eh? But I don't have to tell any gay person who's faced coming-out that, do I.
My advice is along the lines of your's, Dan: Just be out with it. Own it. As a polyamorous person I've been there, having to say "This is how I am, deal with it not." Those that don't want to deal with your life as it is really aren't worth your time. Love is not love if it has conditions attached to it. I have found that most people have been been very accepting of my life because they knew me as a honest person with whom their dealings have always been ethical and pleasant.
And as you say, it is far more common then most people would think. According to several sex survey in the past 10 years at least 1 in 5 couples have had more than one threesome. 1 in 100 couples are actively swingers, and even more are what I like to call "opportunistic swingers": They don't actively seek others to swing with, but if the opportunity presents itself they're game. And we haven't even hit on those that are polyamorous.
The point being, statistically 1 in 5 coupled people in her contact list have probably had a threesome. 1 in 100 married people on her contact list are swingers or polyamorous or both. And at least 1 in 5 coupled people on her contact list have some sort of open relationship agreement.
If I was her I'd own it. If she feels so inclined send-out another email saying her account was hacked by her crazy sister with an ax to grind and she's very sorry that people were subjected to the details of her private life that should have remained private if it weren't for her crazy sister.
More...
I'm kind of disturbed that her family is more concerned with callers sex life than the fact that her sister committed what in many states in the U.S. is at least a Class B Misdemeanor under computer crimes and right to privacy laws.
But it seems in matters such as sex, when supposedly out of the norm acts like threesomes are revealed publicly, people seem to forgive the one who illegally hacked into someone's email or computer because the threesome is more shocking and ripe for vilification.
The caller's sex life should be her business and her business only, and if her sister had not been a total piece of bat-shit crazy scum, it still would be, nobody would be any wiser and they would still love the caller and her fiance for who they are, not hate them for the sex they have.
Funny how that works, eh? But I don't have to tell any gay person who's faced coming-out that, do I.
My advice is along the lines of your's, Dan: Just be out with it. Own it. As a polyamorous person I've been there, having to say "This is how I am, deal with it not." Those that don't want to deal with your life as it is really aren't worth your time. Love is not love if it has conditions attached to it. I have found that most people have been been very accepting of my life because they knew me as a honest person with whom their dealings have always been ethical and pleasant.
And as you say, it is far more common then most people would think. According to several sex survey in the past 10 years at least 1 in 5 couples have had more than one threesome. 1 in 100 couples are actively swingers, and even more are what I like to call "opportunistic swingers": They don't actively seek others to swing with, but if the opportunity presents itself they're game. And we haven't even hit on those that are polyamorous.
The point being, statistically 1 in 5 coupled people in her contact list have probably had a threesome. 1 in 100 married people on her contact list are swingers or polyamorous or both. And at least 1 in 5 coupled people on her contact list have some sort of open relationship agreement.
If I was her I'd own it. If she feels so inclined send-out another email saying her account was hacked by her crazy sister with an ax to grind and she's very sorry that people were subjected to the details of her private life that should have remained private if it weren't for her crazy sister.
28
Cut some slack for the 3rd in the couples' open relationship. He is entitled to his own feelings which clearly developed over a couple of months. As you know, nothing sexual happens in a vacuum (unless you insert yourself into the nozzle!). There are fewer clearly defined boundaries in an open relationship - they are by definition, looser boundaries than those found in monogamous relationships. As a "guest star" in a so-called open relationship, I was mislead by one party who hid the fact that he was in a relationship. When he disclosed this crucial fact, I was already developing feelings for him. He tried to reassure me that they were breaking up, that "they sleep together but they don't sleep together" (i.e. they don't have sex), that they have grown apart, but they are best friends. But that didn't undo the mess that resulted. I'm in the middle of deciding whether its best to gracefully bow out, or just go for broke and follow my feelings. As a friend counseled me, you can't break up a relationship which is already broken up. So I think your harsh reaction against the person who was allegedly "monkey wrenching around" in their relationship was probably more of a projection of your own than anything that the caller had conveyed. Furthermore, I think you overestimate how open relationships are the saving grace for unworkable and outdated monogamous relationship models, when in some cases they can be slippery slopes (so to speak) for relationships which are on the downswing, providing a more palatable avenue to travel down for a slow gradual breakup. If anything, the couple should examine how the wife possibly mislead the guest star in not being entirely clear about the boundaries they had supposedly set, rather than blaming the victim of their faulty relationship.
29
Agree with #20 Beatgrl's and #28 Queen for a Day's comments about the 3rd in an open relationship. Its unreasonable to expect that the 3rd can be totally emotionless in this scenario. Because he fell in love with her, doesn't mean that he was intentionally sabotaging their relationship. It means he was being true to his feelings and expressing them, speaking his truth. Similarly, its unclear if the woman misled him. Moreover, its possible that this couple was simply naive in jumping into an open relationship without anticipating its complicated terrain or adequately laying ground rules for themselves and their "guest stars". In any case, I think it was wrong of you to jump to conclusions about the 3rd's intentions with a sanctimonious diatribe about external persons messing with the couple's relationship. It was they who were messing with their own relationship and ended up getting burned in the process, while also hurting someone who was invited in to visit and spice up their supposedly solid relationship. There is a lesson in here about setting ground rules, and playing with fire.
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