Savage Love Podcast Comments


Comments (31) RSS

Newest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
Auragasm 31
Size 12 can be kind of big when you're a really short girl. Been there, feeling a lot better now. But when I was that size I was attracted to lots of guys I assumed were "out of my league". It would have made my year if a fit boy thought I was gorgeous and told me so. Not saying that all big girls have bad self-esteem, but it would have given me a much needed boost.

I've even known a few fat GUYS to be too ashamed to be caught with a fat girl. It's a tragedy that this happens so often! Caller, you need to come out of that closet. This land is full of lonely, lovely, rubenesque women whose bountiful booties will bounce off you most deliciously. Go find her!
Posted by Auragasm on October 19, 2012 at 3:39 PM · Report this
This thread is old, and maybe no one will ever read this comment, but I really feel like AFC50 deserves better advice than he got. Dan just misunderstood the question.

The essential thing for you to do, AFC50, is go outside of your comfort zone. It is comfortable to do the things you've always done, to be the places you know, see the people you're used to. But that's how you'll live exactly like you have been, and you want a change!

Find something you've always wanted to do and jump in and do it. Stick with it even though it's hard, and maybe feels awkward to be a beginner at this stage in life. This is something you have to pick for yourself, but here are some ideas:
-ballroom dancing
-an acting class at a community theatre
-a rec league sport, just make it clear to the team captain that you're a beginner. Yes, they have divisions for your age.
-a writing group
-classes at a community college
-art (photography, painting, etc) - take classes, find a group, or just experiment
-get a personal trainer
martial arts, scuba diving, surfing, flying a plane, volunteering at the SPCA, writing a blog

The main thing is to push yourself, to get used to operating outside of your comfort zone. Never stop learning new things, having new experiences, meeting new people. Comfort and security are the enemies of being an adventurous, interesting person - face them down, get out there and have some adventures - do something interesting! Then come home and tell your wife about it, tell her how your new experiences made you feel. That's how to be an interesting adult.
Posted by name_reserved on April 6, 2012 at 3:24 PM · Report this
To the woman who wants to be in charge in threesomes with her hubby, it may be that you enjoy being a little dominant. It's fair for the outside person in your threesome to want to talk to your husband alone. He probably wants to make sure that both parties are on board equally, which is his "right" as a sex partner and your friend. He wants to avoid drama.

However, if it is the dominance and the feeling of being in control that you enjoy, you may be able to discuss that with the men, and incorporate it into your play. Perhaps you will be the one who directs the action and tells the men which position to take, which sex act to perform, and so on. They may find themselves incredibly aroused to see a female so into her sexuality that she demands what she wants. As an abuse survivor myself, it is a heady and highly sexy experience to be able to order somebody around in how they touch me.


@12, I'm glad you understand that there's more out there than the pickup artists understand. There is a popular blog out there teaching married men how to "game" their wives. While it has good intent, I dislike it because it is sex negative and is very monogamy/maledom focussed. The truth of the matter is that there is IMMENSE variety out there in terms of sexual interets.

One of the few good tips from "game" culture that still applies to all people is that getting active and being in shape can be really helpful. This does NOT mean that you have to look like an impossible 20 year old super model. THe point of physical activity is not to to change your appearance. But being active will make you feel more energetic and give you a confidence boost, and everybody reacts positively to that. Beyond that, ask your wife if she has any fantasies she would like to try. If not, perhaps just ask her to try out some variety of different things for your sake... Be creative. Maybe some of what you try will resonate for one or both of you. Good luck!


To the curvy chick lover... if you're worried about the health issues of your lovely large ladies, just pick a beautiful large lady who is healthy! There are many out there. Walking just 30 minutes a day and eating a variety of food groups can increase a person's heartrate, blood pressure, and overal longevity signficantly, regardless of whether it makes the slightest difference in a person's weight. And THAT is what people mean when they say "healthy at every size". (I don't think Dan really understand's the that phrase. It refers to the fact that a person's blood pressure, heartrate, cholesterol ratios, blood sugar levels are all way more important when determining health than a person's weight.)
Posted by Brie on February 20, 2012 at 7:04 PM · Report this
For the 17 year old virgin: I am a 22 year old straight identified woman. When I was 17 I totally wanted to have sex but I was so afraid because of all the scary stories that teenage girls are exposed to in our sex-negative culture. I heard that it hurts SO much to have sex, it's not that much fun anyway, you'll probably get pregnant, don't be a slut (even to talk about the possibility of having sex sometimes makes girls feel like they are being "slutty" and makes them fell guilty).

Maybe don't try to asking her yet if you can have penis-in-vagina sex, because I bet she will say no. If you can get her to come by going down on her or fingering her, she will probably be way more likely to want to do more because maybe she will realize that all the scary stories are exaggerated and that way you can start a sex- positive self education revolution that she can research herself. I wouldn't write her off right away if she says no to intercourse, if she is a normally sexual human she is not saying no because she doesn't want to, but just because she is scared and it is a knee jerk response. If you two can have fun and safe sexual experiences together for a bit before the actual INTERCOURSE starts, I bet she will be way more likely to want to do it, and she will have a better time when you do.
Posted by whaletalk on February 14, 2012 at 3:36 PM · Report this
Hey I am a 22 year old straight identified woman and I have a comment for the 17 year old virgin: when I was a 17 year old girl I totally wanted to have sex but I was so nervous about it because all I ever heard was scary stories about how much it hurts to lose your virginity, how easy it is to get pregnant, how condoms always break, how it is not that much fun anyway, how people will think she is a slut. In our sex negative culture, lots of 17 year old girls who get dumped because they won't put out probably would have had sex and wanted to if they had been eased into a bit more so that they had time to get used to the idea that there are so many positive things about it.

You said you haven't done much more together than you touching her breasts, and I think that before jumping straight to intercourse, if you can do other things together that she might find surprisingly exciting than she will be much more likely to want to have penis-in-vagina sex. If you can go down on her and make her have an orgasm, or finger her and make her come, it will be a really good start to the sex positive education that she probably has never been exposed to, and make her enjoy intercourse a lot more if you end up doing it...

Good luck!
Posted by whaletalk on February 14, 2012 at 3:14 PM · Report this
fuck yeah! I love Dan Savage, "You expect sympathy from me? You're a fucking coward!"
Posted by BigScience on February 4, 2012 at 2:02 PM · Report this
Israel takes in many gay arab refugees.

No other country in the middle east is as accepting of gays than Israel
Posted by Doot on January 31, 2012 at 6:12 AM · Report this
i know there is huge pressure on men to try to be an "alpha male" but not all women are attracted to the stereotype successful man! just like not all men are attracted to "skinny bitches" as we can see in the comments.

be yourself: your ultimate self - someone you would like to spend time with. find your passion (even if it is something off-the-wall like butter sculpting) and pursue it in your free time. it will bring you happiness that will spill over into other parts of your life.

what others have said above: read, etc. not so that you can hold forth for minutes on end about a myriad of topics and amaze your listeners, but so that you can ask informed questions and become a better listener yourself.

again, what someone said above: pay attention to what kind of men your wife is into. ask her why (in a non-threatened way). treat your wife like a woman, court her, get to know her again, remember why you married her in the first place. be her friend. do you help enough around the house? cook her a romantic dinner without expectation of sexual return after dessert! ask her about her fantasies. get drunk together. get in shape together. tell her you're going through your mid-life crisis and you want to have an affair with her. ;) or maybe just a "date night"...

but seriously, she may be 100% happy with her marriage the way it is, so you have to bring these new desires to her gently - you can't change your dynamic overnight, but the sooner she starts thinking about it, the sooner you'll know how she feels.

she might be defensive at first, but give her time. if you tell her you want changes in the relationship, she may focus on the fact that you're not happy with things the way they are and wonder how long you've been dissatisfied. make the "new you" a boon to her as well. don't just tell her you want to try new things in the bedroom - try cooking a new meal once a week or go for a walk with her to a new place on the weekend...

sorry, i've gone on a bit - you sound like a nice guy and i hope you can make it work!
Posted by taghag on January 31, 2012 at 4:47 AM · Report this
One method of birth control for the caller from Israel that is often overlooked is using a combination of observing bodily cues, as described by "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" While this method is often rolled in with just "counting" and assuming that all women have a 28 day cycle, it is much more specific than that. It uses temperature, cervical placement, and quality of cervical fluid to assess natural hormonal cycles. My husband and I have used this method for over 7 years & have never gotten pregnant. I've found it to be a great method for a mature woman in a long-term relationship. It is not ideal for anyone with an STI risk, but is good if you are with a single long-term partner & relatively diligent about doing a few simple things each day.
Posted by jv12345 on January 29, 2012 at 7:42 PM · Report this
Hi there! Been listening to previous podcasts. PLEASE dont bring this Lucy girl anymore! She┬┤s soooo anoying. Her giggles drives me mad!! And she doesnt add anything to the show. Thanks!
Posted by marcelo9700 on January 29, 2012 at 7:20 AM · Report this
Thanks, Skipper Jo, VB and Agony. Does Dan ever weigh in here?
Posted by AFC50 on January 28, 2012 at 6:39 PM · Report this
AFC50, I think Dan's advice to the 16 year old (focus on getting your 18 year old ass laid) will work for you as well. Get active, make sure the body you've got is as good as you can get it. You can't make yourself taller and have more hair, but you can be in good shape. Read - educate yourself. Things that you've always wanted to know more about? Read up, take classes, join clubs. Push yourself - do some things that you are afraid of, whether public speaking or ski diving. All of this will help give you that so sexy confidence that makes you a better sexual partner. And talk to your wife. Take some chances with her, try new things. If she doesn't react the way you want her to, don't take that as a signal to shut back down, but as a signal to talk it out.
Posted by agony on January 27, 2012 at 8:47 AM · Report this
Anti-m 19
For the gal disatisfied with hormonal birth control:

I couldn't quite hear the historical issue you had with an IUD, but I have been very happy with my IUD. I use the Mirena variety, which delivers a low / local dose of hormone to your uterus, and evidently has fewer adverse effects than the traditional coppper type.

I too previously used hormonal birth control. I didn't realize until I got off of it that it was likely negatively impacting my libido AND mood. Bleh.

If you decide to go IUD, I should also mention that after some trial and error, I had my doctor snip the "threads" (they're more like monofiliment) of the IUD ALL the way off to the very base. Doing this isn't ideal, as you'll have no way to check that the thingy is still there and intact, but I found that otherwise the "threads" tended to visciously poke my partner in a very sensitive spot. Ouch.
Posted by Anti-m on January 26, 2012 at 2:41 PM · Report this
I highly recommend not going to Tel Aviv and urge Dan Savage and his audience to read and consider the "An Open Letter to LGBTIQ Communities and Allies on the Israeli Occupation of Palestine" http://www.queersolidaritywithpalestine.…
from a recent delegation of queer academics, community leaders and activists.
Posted by freedomfunnies on January 26, 2012 at 1:24 PM · Report this
Hey Dan, while I can't dispute that Tel Aviv does have some great beachfront, I do ask you to restrain your enthusiasm for pinkwashing Israel's occupation. Queer Palestinians whose families were ethnically cleansed from lovely beachfront property (and other parts of Israel) don't get to enjoy Tel Aviv's famous night life and many people around the world are pledging to stay off the beach until it's open to everyone: http://www.queersolidaritywithpalestine.…
Posted by kdogg on January 26, 2012 at 1:21 PM · Report this
Posted by AFC50 on January 25, 2012 at 2:22 PM · Report this
@12, i.e. the middle-aged male caller:
Oh, you want to be more attractive to your WIFE! That makes me like you more. Your wife would probably be pleased to hear it, too. Which brings us to the obvious question ... have you tried asking her where she'd like to see you improve? Have you been paying attention to what behavior on your part gets a good response from her? Have you noticed her respond positively to other men (actors, real life friends)? What sort of guys are they?

As for general self-improvement and self-esteem for middle-aged men, aside from the whole lady-pleasing endeavor, I don't know that there are any one-size-fits all guidelines. You'll have to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be, and start aiming for that one step at a time. Don't frame it in terms of "what do I dislike about myself that needs fixing." You sounded like a pretty positive guy in your call. Take a positive approach to yourself.
Posted by Skipper Jo on January 25, 2012 at 11:31 AM · Report this
Repeated studies have shown that a fit, overweight person is healthier than an unfit, 'normal' weight person. Skads of people with multiple gym memberships can attest that working out does not (by itself) lead to weight loss. So love the chubby girl, and encourage her to exercise for her health, not for weight loss. Studies also find that a little extra weight late in life is healthier, as it provides the body resources against a serious illness.

Not well known is the role fat tissue plays in the production of sex-related hormones. If we had no social conditioning, fat would equal a higher libido, just because more hormones are rampaging around, demanding it. Girls who are ashamed of their bodies will be shy to express this. The man who makes her feel beautiful and sexy is the one who benefits, trust me on this!
Posted by lizvocal on January 25, 2012 at 11:24 AM · Report this
Dan, the fact that you offered up the description "size 12 to 14" to describe "big women" proves you don't come into contact with women's clothing very often. To any man who DOES know women's sizes and thinks that is fat, you need a clue-by-four to the head. Just sayin'.

To the 17-year-old virgin wanting to have the sex talk with his virgin girlfriend, Dan's right that you should have a conversation about sexual priorities and values and whether she's interested in sex before marriage. What Dan neglected to say this time around is that intercourse shouldn't even be on the table right now. You two haven't even stuck your hands down each other's pants yet! Going from never touching each other below the belt to having sexual intercourse is a HUGE leap to make. You should know (and make sure she knows) that small steps are the best way to move forward. Ask if it's okay for you to start touching her through her clothes. Ask if she'll touch you. Ask if you can touch her clit (don't just shove your fingers into her the first time you get under her panties). And then there's oral sex, when you guys are ready. Manual stimulation, oral, and frotting with your underwear on are all a LOT of fun - and they carry fewer health risks if you do them right.
Posted by Skipper Jo on January 25, 2012 at 11:16 AM · Report this
I'm also disappointed in Dan's advice to the 50-year-old married caller. I also happen to BE that caller. The essence of my question was not how to meet new women or bang models. Of course I can find a mistress or see a pro, but that wasn't my point. As Dan said, men are viewed as "success objects" and I haven't felt very "successful" the past few years. I want to climb out of a career rut and become more of a "success object" to...MY WIFE (my bad for not making this clear).

I also noted that I'd come across the work of various "pickup artists" and "mens rights activists", who seem to take a dim view of male-female relationships and imply that the way to succeed in marriage is to lead or dominate. I have trouble imagining me doing this, and am also concerned if these people know what they're talking about.

So, the essence of my question to Dan is what he would recommend to a middle-aged-guy who wants to self-improve outside the bedroom.

Thanks VB#11 for raising the topic and the book recommendation.
Posted by AFC50 on January 25, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report this
I am mighty disappointed in Dan's advice to the 50 year old man who wanted to become better with women.

The fact is he doesn't need money or fame to be good with women, that is just bullcrap. It works on some women, but far from all. What he needs is a proper course in socializing and flirting, I would advice him to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie for a start.

It is a great book that you can practice in all areas of your life, it can help him at work, at home, with friends and with potential new loves (assuming his wife is ok with it).

Other than that there are parts of the pickup community that distribute positive attitudes and actual helpful tips for guys like him. One I would look up if I was him would be Wayne Elise, he has a lot of good stuff that is positive to women, not the usual pickup crap.
Posted by VB on January 25, 2012 at 2:14 AM · Report this
@1: I'm not going to yell at him for that because women's sizes are super strange and besides, his household is all male so he may not ever have bought a piece of clothing in adult women's sizes. When you factor in the fact that the supposedly "fat" plus-size models are minimum size 8, it's no wonder that men think 12 sounds big.

Also, in response to the woman with the libido issues on the pill: there are so many varieties of birth control pill, with different combinations of hormones and dosages. Ask your doctor to switch you to a different pill until you're satisfied.
Posted by alguna_rubia on January 24, 2012 at 6:57 PM · Report this
Two things: 1) to the lovely lady who is struggling with hormonal birth control, I'd check out the Nuva ring--way lower doses of hormones so not as much of an emotional effect...good luck!

2) indeed, many women are curvy AND healthy. I am a size twelve, an excellent vegetarian chef and healthy eater, as well as an active backpacker, rock climber, and mountaineer. I have a man who is one of those hot athletic types and I keep up with him just fine. :)
Posted by Candyjean on January 24, 2012 at 2:06 PM · Report this
bella28 8
Yay, Dan for giving some tough love to the guy who loves big girls!! (yeah, I'll pass on scolding you about the size 12 thing. I run like 4 miles 5 times a week just to be a size 12.)

Dan, you nailed it. The only that hurts more than being teased all your life about being curvy or overweight is being rejected by EVEN THE GUYS WHO WANT YOU because they're too ashamed! And I understand why the guy called, he wanted that smack in the face to hopefully inspire him to sack up.

And for my part, I understand that it's difficult and frustrating when friends and family feel the need to comment on the attractiveness or cultural normalcy of who you are dating. When I brought home a woman, my mother actually said to me, "Are you THAT desperate?" And when I brought home a black man who I thought was adorable and so sweet, my parents spent the following day making racist jokes and calling him ugly. It hurt and I resented it, but I continued seeing those people because no matter what they think, I have to make myself happy emotionally and sexually. This call has actually inspired me to amp things up a notch and when I'm met with rolled eyes or weird looks the next time I tell someone who I'm dating, I'm going to politely tell them to "FUCK OFF." :)
Posted by bella28 on January 24, 2012 at 1:42 PM · Report this
Curvy girls are wonderful. I honestly think there are more dude's out there that prefer a slightly "overweight" girl to a skinny girl. I certainly do and it pisses me off when my family has commented on the weight of my girlfriends. While I am not as annoyed by the callers question as Dan is I certainly think he should stand up to his peers and especially family. Truth is I think he wants to and he was calling the podcast to get that permission from Mr. Savage. I think this is one of those non-problematic problems.
Posted by hello-earth on January 24, 2012 at 12:26 PM · Report this
I disagree with JensR. I went to Tel Aviv last year and had a great time!
Posted by Doot on January 24, 2012 at 10:48 AM · Report this
I'm not going to rant about the size 12 thing...because men have no concept of clothing sizes.
Hell. most women don't anymore because of the fashion industry bs.
But THANK YOU for yelling at him!!! I'm one of those 'bigger' girls... at my smallest I'm a size 12 ... I'm sick of being treated like shit by those guys. They think I'm hot, sexy, whatever... just not in public. So FUCK them.
Thanks Dan!
Posted by aud21 on January 24, 2012 at 10:19 AM · Report this
JensR 4
... All I have to say is, don't go to Tel Aviv... ffs...
Posted by JensR on January 24, 2012 at 8:49 AM · Report this
Fancy's_Pants 3
To Mr. Loves-Curvy-Women, nut up is not quite strong enough advice by itself...seriously, get some back-fucking-bone already!

Dating "skinny bitches" means EVERYONE in your situation loses:

-You lose by not going after the kind of women you want to be with
-The curvy girls lose because they don't get a man who wants them
-The thin ladies lose because you are wasting time, love and energy that could go into a relationship with someone where both people want to be together.

You're 28, leave that high school conformity BS behind.
Posted by Fancy's_Pants on January 24, 2012 at 8:46 AM · Report this
Dan I applaud you for saying that yes, obesity is unhealthy, which I'm sure you've taken some shit for from the fat acceptance proponents.

But there are people that look overweight that also eat healthy, exercise, and have perfectly healthy cholesterol levels, heart rates, etc. Some bodies really are just naturally plump at their peak level of health.
Posted by gibson99 on January 24, 2012 at 8:39 AM · Report this
You're going to get enough of this, so this'll be short. Size fucking 12 is not fucking even close to unattractively overweight. Fuck.
Posted by happeningfish on January 24, 2012 at 6:25 AM · Report this

Add a comment