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venomlash 1
As a relevant counterimage, I would put forth the Book of Jonah.
Posted by venomlash on February 5, 2012 at 7:18 AM · Report this
bleedingheartlibertarian 2
Decent poetry. Terrifying theology.

("The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet" is pretty good for primitive people who thought the world was flat.)
Posted by bleedingheartlibertarian on February 5, 2012 at 7:32 AM · Report this
Charles Maguro 3
Wow. Maggie Gallagher has one brutal shiv up her cunt.
Posted by Charles Maguro on February 5, 2012 at 7:34 AM · Report this
4
What an asshole.
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on February 5, 2012 at 7:35 AM · Report this
passionate_jus 5
Thank god no one seriously believes in this crap anymore.

Oh nevermind.
Posted by passionate_jus on February 5, 2012 at 7:42 AM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 6
What the hell is a Nahum? Never heard of it.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on February 5, 2012 at 7:44 AM · Report this
8
George Washington could take him.
Posted by giffy on February 5, 2012 at 8:03 AM · Report this
TVDinner 9
@6: NaFun's ancestor, maybe?
Posted by TVDinner http:// on February 5, 2012 at 8:07 AM · Report this
CC-Rob 10
The Lord needs anger management classes.
Posted by CC-Rob on February 5, 2012 at 8:08 AM · Report this
Vince 11
Oceans dry up? Ha! I'd really like to see that little trick. The rest is just a weather report.
Posted by Vince on February 5, 2012 at 8:09 AM · Report this
12
@ 2, flat earth always been more a theological concept than an actual held believe, any sea-faring people always knew why on a clear day objects disappear behind the horizon.
Posted by dutchie on February 5, 2012 at 8:14 AM · Report this
scary tyler moore 13
sounds like low blood sugar to me.
Posted by scary tyler moore http://pushymcshove.blogspot.com/ on February 5, 2012 at 8:32 AM · Report this
Foghorn Leghorn 14
@8 I assuming you're thinking THIS George Washington: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8… Because I was!
Posted by Foghorn Leghorn on February 5, 2012 at 8:32 AM · Report this
MrBaker 15
In the old days it was "God" being angry, now it is Cliff Mass in a pissing contest with KUOW's Steve Scher over what Cliff can say in addition to atmospheric science explanation of a depression trough over Puget Sound causing intense winds from the east in the South Sound and through the Strait of Wanda Fuca.

Angry God has been replaced by a explainable mighty wind.

Mount Ranier should look great today from all over Puget Sound.
Posted by MrBaker http://manywordsforrain.blogspot.com/ on February 5, 2012 at 8:36 AM · Report this
16
Don't you love how obvious it is that these people did not have Science?
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on February 5, 2012 at 8:57 AM · Report this
17
@12 I don't think those ancient Hebrews were very good sailors. If they'ed had boats Moses wouldn't have had to part the Red Sea.
Posted by Ken Mehlman on February 5, 2012 at 8:59 AM · Report this
Cracker Jack 18
@10 -- You beat me to it! That was my first thought. Any god like that should be shunned until he learns how to behave around people. Of course, now he's just an absentee god...
Posted by Cracker Jack on February 5, 2012 at 9:02 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 19
@14 - That is the greatest thing I've seen all day. Granted, it's early, but I doubt this will be outdone.
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on February 5, 2012 at 9:04 AM · Report this
Just Jeff 20
God sounds like kind of a dick.
Posted by Just Jeff on February 5, 2012 at 9:11 AM · Report this
kim in portland 21
"vision of Nahum". The name Nahum means "comfort". The author(s) speak of the fall of Thebes (663 BCE) and the fall of Ninevah (612 BCE). The book is a judgement oracle which stresses moral indignation towards injustice, written in poetic language. Descriptions are dramatic, vivid, and metaphorical. If I remember correctly it uses little phrases receptively and contains rhetorical questions.

In short Nineveh is pronounced guilty of oppression, cruelty, idolatry, wickedness, and being corrupt with injustice by the Lord.
Posted by kim in portland http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2010/11/fast-paced_video_provides_a_fu.html on February 5, 2012 at 9:17 AM · Report this
Barbara Tee 22
Global Warming, anybody? Nature strikes back!

{Substitute "Gaia" for "God".....}
Posted by Barbara Tee on February 5, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
Prairie Dog 23
Let's see, this is the same deity that the Christians later maintain is "The God of Love"?
Posted by Prairie Dog on February 5, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report this
mikethehammer 24
Yeah, the Lord reminds me of this kid Brett I went to high school with. Real type-A dickwad.
Posted by mikethehammer on February 5, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report this
Fred Casely 25
What "Nahum" sounds like to me: If some American guy decided to invent his own religion vaguely based on Judeo-Christianity and write a sequel to The Bible—maybe devising some convoluted story about how he discovered and then lost the original—that's one of the biblical-ish words he would make up to go in it.
Posted by Fred Casely on February 5, 2012 at 10:13 AM · Report this
COMTE 26
@23:

That's something I've never heard any Christian explain, the complete and utter 180-degree shift in personality between the Yahweh described in the Old Testament, and the one Yeshua refers to in the New Testament.

To me it just always sounded like he was flat-out screwy - today, I guess we'd describe him as "bi-polar". Perhaps God should just create himself an Antares-sized Xanax and see if that helps calm the mood-swings.
Posted by COMTE on February 5, 2012 at 10:37 AM · Report this
27
@ 17, the egyptians where sea faring though and anyway by around 300 bc Aristotle convinced about everyone (except the Chinese) that the earth was spherical.
So while maybe the old testamental Jew who wrote nahum in about 600 believed in a flat earth implying Christianity, Judeaism and Islam do is false... I think we have better, actual factual, shit to dislike about abrahamic religions.
Posted by dutchie on February 5, 2012 at 11:13 AM · Report this
28
Nahum 1:2-6 sounds just like Pat Robertson! God unleases His wrath via natural disasters (Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Haiti) toward those who oppose him (gays, liberals, pro-choicers, etc.).
Posted by gracey on February 5, 2012 at 11:14 AM · Report this
bleedingheartlibertarian 29
I think my comment about believing the world is flat got taken a bit too...well, literally.

I was trying to get at the idea that being able to imagine the clouds being on a tiny scale compared to the vastness of what is beyond is a pretty sophisticated idea for people who had never been above the clouds (except maybe on a mountaintop and some particularly low clouds) and who had no way to understand just how deep the sky really is. Particularly (as I recall, anyway...someone with a deeper scholarly background may correct me) that the Hebrews regarded the "firmament" as a solid dome to which the stars were affixed. I.e., not infinite.
Posted by bleedingheartlibertarian on February 5, 2012 at 11:30 AM · Report this
quix 30
@6: He's one of the prophets in the Hebrew Bible. He's right between Micha and Habakkuk. Dude has some really disturbing, rape-y imagry in chapter 3, when he describes exactly what the city of Nineveh has coming.

@23: It's been a looong time since I've darkened the door of a Sunday school, but my best recollection of the explanation of the difference you describe is that God sent Jesus so he wouldn't have to be all Old Testament-y any more. He loved his creation, and all that smiting was exhausting and ineffective, so he tried a different approach. Like the parent who realizes that screaming and spanking aren't cutting it, and gives time outs and grounding a try.
Posted by quix on February 5, 2012 at 11:37 AM · Report this
Catalina Vel-DuRay 33
Oh, the poor troll. I can just imagine him, all alone in his room, masturbating to how his Jehovah God is going to smite all us heathens for daring to use our brains.

Just remember - We'll all go down together, troll dear. Saint and sinner alike.
Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay http://www.danlangdon.com on February 5, 2012 at 11:54 AM · Report this
NaFun 34
NaFun 5:23 - and he who shall bring me coffee shall have something something
Posted by NaFun http://www.dancesafe.org on February 5, 2012 at 11:54 AM · Report this
Rob in Baltimore 35
Ak: If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.

Homer: Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.
Posted by Rob in Baltimore http://www.wishbookweb.com/ on February 5, 2012 at 12:05 PM · Report this
Roma 36
The Lord is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished. He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm (but not the sonics since they were sold by the devil.) The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet.
Posted by Roma on February 5, 2012 at 12:08 PM · Report this
Purocuyu 39
This seems like the Gaston song from Beauty and The Beast.
...no one spites like the lord,
no one fights like the lord,
no one's wrath's as incredibly vile as the lord's!
Posted by Purocuyu http://littlevictorygarden.tumblr.com on February 5, 2012 at 12:36 PM · Report this
40
NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE JESUS.
Posted by Cassette tape fan on February 5, 2012 at 1:32 PM · Report this
TheOldProfessor 41
The Viet-Nahum war!
Posted by TheOldProfessor on February 5, 2012 at 1:32 PM · Report this
balderdash 42
Religionists always sound like abused spouses when this kind of shit comes up. "Oh, yeah, I mean, he hits me sometimes, when he gets mad, but he's under so much stress, and, you know, he's always right in the end. And I just make him so mad! I'm such a fuck-up. I'm just glad he always takes me back after he punishes me if I don't have dinner ready on time or I say the wrong thing when he's had a hard day. He's so good to me, though! He promised to let me in to Heaven if I just stop being a, um... a stupid cunt, he said."

But yeah, worship away, guys. I'm sure that'll work out for you if you keep at it.
Posted by balderdash http://introverse.blogspot.com on February 5, 2012 at 2:50 PM · Report this
thatsnotright 43
Abslolute power corrupts absolutely.
Posted by thatsnotright on February 5, 2012 at 4:46 PM · Report this
venomlash 44
@30: As I alluded to in post #1, Jonah also had some nasty ideas about what should happen to Nineveh, and got all emo and pissy when God decided to accept the city's repentance.
@35: I always thought that tied in to Genesis 1:26
And God said: 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.'
Since God has created humanity in His likeness, He expects for us to behave in a Godly (just, righteous, merciful, and compassionate) manner.
Posted by venomlash on February 5, 2012 at 11:11 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 45
@11, that's funny, the rest is a weather report but no, we do NOT want to see that little trick. Holy rotting seafood, man, can you imagine the stench?
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on February 8, 2012 at 1:01 PM · Report this

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