Savage Love Podcast Comments
Savage Love Episode 286
1
to the guy being tormented by "Pussy Krueger" dreams, check out this amazing short episode of Radiolab podcast where a guy confronts a recurring nightmare just by becoming aware he's dreaming... http://www.radiolab.org/blogs/radiolab-b…
2
hm looks like the link didn't work. here's another try- Radiolab "Wake Up and Dream" http://is.gd/NC77nd
3
I was going to say the same thing as hiddenplace - google about "lucid dreaming" - when you become aware that you're dreaming, but are still able to be in the dream and control what happens, that might help you get over this recurring vagitmare.
4
Annie's project is a lot of fun, but I just felt like I could offer her a little insight into why the younger women she encountered refused to wear the label "Feminist." I don't know those women in particular, but speaking for myself, I choose not to define myself as a "Feminist" because quite frankly, that term *is* loaded with so many meanings. I can't be a feminist without declaring myself an adherent of some kind of philosphy...am I a liberal feminist? Radical? Marxist? Conservative? Libertarian? Ecofeminist? Post-structural? Separatist? Not to mention the thinking more along the lines of the bell hooks-inspired thinkers who argue that feminists only think of the white paradigm. Seriously, there's no cohesion in the overall group.
Once, during a gender and society class, the prof showed an interview with two prominent liberal feminists, and another with Catharine MacKinnon, the radical feminist. After, the prof asked us if Catharine MacKinnon inspired us to say we are feminists. Some girls were ready to wrap themselves in her flag on the spot, but I couldn't keep quiet, and I spoke up that she's exactly the kind who makes me flee from the label. Catharine MacKinnon, with all of her "false consciousness" accusations, is precisely the kind of woman who turns the rest of us off from calling ourselves feminists. Once I said it, it opened the floodgates for other women in the class to agree, which sort of started a "war of words" and unfortunately resulted in a bit of a "battle lines drawn" feeling that lasted the rest of the semester.
Do I believe in equality? Absolutely. But can I call myself a feminist? No - I feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to because I don't go "far enough."
Once, during a gender and society class, the prof showed an interview with two prominent liberal feminists, and another with Catharine MacKinnon, the radical feminist. After, the prof asked us if Catharine MacKinnon inspired us to say we are feminists. Some girls were ready to wrap themselves in her flag on the spot, but I couldn't keep quiet, and I spoke up that she's exactly the kind who makes me flee from the label. Catharine MacKinnon, with all of her "false consciousness" accusations, is precisely the kind of woman who turns the rest of us off from calling ourselves feminists. Once I said it, it opened the floodgates for other women in the class to agree, which sort of started a "war of words" and unfortunately resulted in a bit of a "battle lines drawn" feeling that lasted the rest of the semester.
Do I believe in equality? Absolutely. But can I call myself a feminist? No - I feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to because I don't go "far enough."
5
Hey caller with the stalker, call a rape crisis hotline. You don't have to decide whether or not to call it rape, in order to say that it was horribly messed up and needs a real response and a healing process. PLEASE take good care of yourself. Here is a page with male-specific resources: http://noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz.wordp… and RAINN is apparently a good place to call too as a male rape survivor.
I know that "male rape" is something our society doesn't really recognize yet, but if that is what you feel about the situation - feel free to label it that way.
Also, please please take steps to keep her from continuing to stalk you. A restraining order might be difficult to obtain, but get in touch with your local DV organizations in order to find out.
Block her number or get a new number, too. Cut off all avenues of contact she still has to you.
I'm so, so, so sorry this happened to you.
I know that "male rape" is something our society doesn't really recognize yet, but if that is what you feel about the situation - feel free to label it that way.
Also, please please take steps to keep her from continuing to stalk you. A restraining order might be difficult to obtain, but get in touch with your local DV organizations in order to find out.
Block her number or get a new number, too. Cut off all avenues of contact she still has to you.
I'm so, so, so sorry this happened to you.
6
I do think Dan's decision to discourage the "date rape caller" from seeking legal recourse may have been a mistake. This is an issue of numbers - the fewer men who report situations like this, the less likely law enforcement is to take these situations seriously when they do come up. Speaking up is the only way to break the cycle. He's probably right, though, that it would not have done that specific caller any good.
7
@4 - You don't have to make it so complicated. You may feel that feminism is segmented according to political affiliation and over-radicalized by some feminists, but it still means what it's always meant: the movement to fight for women's rights, autonomy, independence, power, and equality in the public and private spheres. If you're not on board with that, frankly, you're the one who baffles me.
Being a feminist doesn't mean you're part of some cultural group that needs to be unified by a common message and isn't "cohesive" enough. It means you hold certain truths to be self-evident. It's whatever you make of it.
Being a feminist doesn't mean you're part of some cultural group that needs to be unified by a common message and isn't "cohesive" enough. It means you hold certain truths to be self-evident. It's whatever you make of it.
8
OK, one more comment - That domestic violence "expert" Dan brought in was so much less helpful than Dan himself was. I mean, *cringe*. She was waffling on about legal action and living somewhere else... all unhelpful solutions to a trapped 17-year-old... and he just came right out and said REFUSE TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HIM. Absolutely. Right on. Go Dan.
9
@8: She is a minor living at home. It would be irresponsible to tell her to just go to the police when she had made it clear that any objection on her part would be shamed by her family. While living at home, the top priority is her personal physical safety and that would be severely compromised if she sought legal action, at the moment. Therefore, in these cases, it is always advisable to try and get the victim to a safe and neutral space. From there, the cops can and should be called.
10
@9 - Uh, yeah, I agree with you... were you arguing with me? My comment says almost the same thing as yours.
11
Ms. Madison is frustrated that so many women refuse to identify as feminist, and blames right-wing framing. I can't speak for her experience, but I can speak for mine.
I went to law school with a vast number of kick-ass, accomplished women and their rejection of the term was linked to dealing with self-described "feminists", i.e. the ideological crowd. They refused to call themselves feminists not because they weren't, but because the word had become co-opted by the manic obsessive ideological purists. My classmates' feminism took the form of equality, the "feminists'" idea of feminism was more akin to a very confrontational trade union or political party.
I went to law school with a vast number of kick-ass, accomplished women and their rejection of the term was linked to dealing with self-described "feminists", i.e. the ideological crowd. They refused to call themselves feminists not because they weren't, but because the word had become co-opted by the manic obsessive ideological purists. My classmates' feminism took the form of equality, the "feminists'" idea of feminism was more akin to a very confrontational trade union or political party.
12
@7:
You may feel that feminism is segmented according to political affiliation and over-radicalized by some feminists, but it still means what it's always meant: the movement to fight for women's rights, autonomy, independence, power, and equality in the public and private spheres.Fair enough. Where it falls down is in how those laudable goals interface with equity and equality. I used to call myself a feminist but I gave it up simply because I couldn't reconcile my desire for the advancement of everybody's "rights, autonomy, independence, power, and equality in the public and private spheres" with the simple fact that feminism talks of these goals but exists in form and practice as the philosophy and advancement of those goals for women. If men benefit, well and good. If men have to get screwed, then well and good. Feminism is feminism, but it ain't egalitarianism however much its adherents say that it is.
13
Between Dan and the DV expert there was some brilliant advice for this terrorized girl. Well done.
As for the response to the raped-by-the-stalker caller? Dan, wouldn't it have been easier for you if you'd just shrugged and said "meh"? Because that's pretty much your whole answer.
As for the response to the raped-by-the-stalker caller? Dan, wouldn't it have been easier for you if you'd just shrugged and said "meh"? Because that's pretty much your whole answer.
14
I have an idea for the gay guy with nightmares about women--it's an app that's supposed to allow you to control what you dream about. No idea if it works but it's free and might be worth a try, it's called DreamON and you can get it from the iTunes store.
http://www.dreamonapp.com/
http://www.dreamonapp.com/
15
I am sorry but I think raped by stalker was MUCH more a grey area just as Dan did. If she is a stalker calling that much you change phone numbers. No one including the caller knows what was said or done in that phone call that had her come over. Black out drunk people do at times appear only a little drunk and she could have easily thought everything was consensual.
Could the "legal" definition of rape happened? Yes- but the fact is she did not get him drunk, he answered the phone, no one but her knows what was said on the phone-but it made her drive to him, no one but her knows what was said when she got there- for all we know he was naked and had a box of condoms out.
A rape allegation is a terrible thing to levy against anyone, especially when its a grey area sexual act. The simple legal process that would happen would destroy the accused, and as Dan did say, not much would happen in the end.
The questioning would be along the lines of "Did you two have sex, did he say yes could you tell he was drunk? did you think he was really drunk?" and in the end even if it went to court it would be dismissed with the accused having a life that was destroyed.
http://falserapesociety.blogspot.com/201…
Could the "legal" definition of rape happened? Yes- but the fact is she did not get him drunk, he answered the phone, no one but her knows what was said on the phone-but it made her drive to him, no one but her knows what was said when she got there- for all we know he was naked and had a box of condoms out.
A rape allegation is a terrible thing to levy against anyone, especially when its a grey area sexual act. The simple legal process that would happen would destroy the accused, and as Dan did say, not much would happen in the end.
The questioning would be along the lines of "Did you two have sex, did he say yes could you tell he was drunk? did you think he was really drunk?" and in the end even if it went to court it would be dismissed with the accused having a life that was destroyed.
http://falserapesociety.blogspot.com/201…
16
Actually, I think "raped by stalker" was much less grey, totally ungrey in fact. This girl had been bothering the caller incessantly. When they had sex, he was blackout drunk - which she couldn't have failed to notice - and she was stonecold sober. Again, if you reverse the genders, everyone would call it a rape and tell the victim to go to the police. If the caller doesn't feel comfortable going to the police, he doesn't have to, because it's true that he's unlikely to be believed. However, one thing he can do - since he and this girl know each other from way back and likely have mutual friends - is to tell their mutual friends about it. People should know that this girl is a creepy person. If that causes them to defriend her, all well and good. If you want friends, don't stalk and rape people.
17
While based on the information the caller provided it may seem not-so-gray, but think of it from a legal perspective - all that girl's lawyer would have to do is ask a couple questions and reasonable doubt appears. "You've had sex with her before?" "You claim you were blackout drunk, but say she was sober. How did you know she was sober if you can't remember?"
Plus, as #15 pointed out, maybe he looks and sounds functional when he's that drunk. Maybe she didn't realize he was that drunk and maybe he indicated he was consenting to sex. There's too many "maybes" for there to be any sure way to label this rape or not.
Fact is, though, he felt violated, and he should absolutely cut off all ties to this woman. Get a new number, block her on social media sites, yadda yadda. And DON'T BINGE DRINK. Scary, bad things happen when you're so intoxicated that you don't remember and have little to no control over what you do, or what happens to you. Be responsible and safe.
Plus, as #15 pointed out, maybe he looks and sounds functional when he's that drunk. Maybe she didn't realize he was that drunk and maybe he indicated he was consenting to sex. There's too many "maybes" for there to be any sure way to label this rape or not.
Fact is, though, he felt violated, and he should absolutely cut off all ties to this woman. Get a new number, block her on social media sites, yadda yadda. And DON'T BINGE DRINK. Scary, bad things happen when you're so intoxicated that you don't remember and have little to no control over what you do, or what happens to you. Be responsible and safe.
18
This grey area caller let it be known he was a drinker.
In my twenties I had many friends that would/could blow a .2+ when getting a DUI.
This last St Patrick's Day a twenty-something female I worked with got out of work early and went to the mutual hang out and started drinking. I got there and stayed for an hour, she did not even remember meeting me and talking to me for the hour I was there- before I went home (alone). The next day she was telling everyone how she blacked out by 7:00 but "apparently had a lot of fun."
Black outs- even one, tend to be huge indicators of substance/alcohol abuse on self tests and Alcoholism intakes.
Now if someone got black out drunk and got into a car and ran over some bystanders no one would say that the bystanders took advantage of the drunk. If someone was black out drunk and went to McDonald's and punched the counter person because the fries were not full enough, no one would side with him.
But....people are taking the defense of a binge drinker who by his own account answered the phone and must have at least told the person who raped him specifically where he was- and we are all supposed to blame the other person?
Sometimes getting drunk and doing stupid things are the wake up call to get help, stop drinking, and be responsible for your actions. Maybe to act safer too.
We do not know what was said and done by either parties. To call this "ski mask mugger in a parking lot rape" is a huge overstatement.
If the caller feels violated he should get help, he should have "defriended" the psycho a long time ago- and if he was that weirded out by someone he had had consenting sex with should he have not changed his number and such awhile ago? maybe had that public confrontation to let her know he was over it?
He should get help, he probably has other issues as well. And I have no problem him telling people she is a psycho and him telling mutual friends she came over and had sex with him when he was "Black out drunk" but him telling people she raped him? Sorry that's saying a criminal act took place and he really cannot say if at the time the sex was consenting or not. And he still has to tell people yes he answered the phone of a past sexual partner who he cut off for being too possessive, and he told her where he was and he let her in and he was drunk......
More...
In my twenties I had many friends that would/could blow a .2+ when getting a DUI.
This last St Patrick's Day a twenty-something female I worked with got out of work early and went to the mutual hang out and started drinking. I got there and stayed for an hour, she did not even remember meeting me and talking to me for the hour I was there- before I went home (alone). The next day she was telling everyone how she blacked out by 7:00 but "apparently had a lot of fun."
Black outs- even one, tend to be huge indicators of substance/alcohol abuse on self tests and Alcoholism intakes.
Now if someone got black out drunk and got into a car and ran over some bystanders no one would say that the bystanders took advantage of the drunk. If someone was black out drunk and went to McDonald's and punched the counter person because the fries were not full enough, no one would side with him.
But....people are taking the defense of a binge drinker who by his own account answered the phone and must have at least told the person who raped him specifically where he was- and we are all supposed to blame the other person?
Sometimes getting drunk and doing stupid things are the wake up call to get help, stop drinking, and be responsible for your actions. Maybe to act safer too.
We do not know what was said and done by either parties. To call this "ski mask mugger in a parking lot rape" is a huge overstatement.
If the caller feels violated he should get help, he should have "defriended" the psycho a long time ago- and if he was that weirded out by someone he had had consenting sex with should he have not changed his number and such awhile ago? maybe had that public confrontation to let her know he was over it?
He should get help, he probably has other issues as well. And I have no problem him telling people she is a psycho and him telling mutual friends she came over and had sex with him when he was "Black out drunk" but him telling people she raped him? Sorry that's saying a criminal act took place and he really cannot say if at the time the sex was consenting or not. And he still has to tell people yes he answered the phone of a past sexual partner who he cut off for being too possessive, and he told her where he was and he let her in and he was drunk......
19
The author of "Lucid Dreaming" Stephen LaBerge Ph.D. is credited with the phrase "The next time I'm dreaming I'll remember to recognize I'm dreaming." Google him. Also I constantly bang the drum for therapy without shame. Here (ABQ) kind therapists see some folk on a sliding scale. Shop around first; one bitch made me spit out my gum.
20
@7, you see, I have yet to meet a man who could make me feel or believe that I don't already equal him in the private or public sphere, but I sure have met some radical feminists who want to make me believe I haven't reached that equality. I was raised to be a proud, independent, strong woman, and that anyone who told me I wasn't "equal" was someone who was looking to be proven dead wrong. Women included. And I haven't lost yet.
@12, yeah, you've pretty much summed up my general feeling. I've always been curious about why men had to be not just dominated, but down right subjugated in order to be equaled.
I am a proud and strong First Nations woman. I have been dealt the cards of being a woman and being a member of an abused minority, and I have won. Phenomenal woman. That's me.
@12, yeah, you've pretty much summed up my general feeling. I've always been curious about why men had to be not just dominated, but down right subjugated in order to be equaled.
I am a proud and strong First Nations woman. I have been dealt the cards of being a woman and being a member of an abused minority, and I have won. Phenomenal woman. That's me.
21
@Chuck, I agree with your comments. Had this woman gotten the man in question drunk or drugged him in some way I would feel differently. In this case, however, this guy chose to get inebriated and ended up with this woman. He remembered answering her phone call and remembered that she was sober. He shares some responsibility for lowering his inhibitions enough to talk to this girl and to accept a ride and eventually o have sex with her. If roles were reversed I wouldn't view it any differently.
22
@ Fancy Pants
Equality is not a zero sum game. Feminism seeks to fight for women's rights and equality. That need not be at the "expense of men." Any who argues that men should get screwed for the sake of women's rights isn't arguing for feminism. Also, calling yourself feminist doesn't mean that you have to ignore any other form of injustice, because frankly feminism intersects with issues of race, immigrant rights, and sexuality. Actually, a lot of Jessica Valenti's work (www.feministing.com) both deals with these issues. Theres no need to limit or falsely attribute feminism to the right-wing conspiracy theorist caricature of what they have painted feminism to be.
Equality is not a zero sum game. Feminism seeks to fight for women's rights and equality. That need not be at the "expense of men." Any who argues that men should get screwed for the sake of women's rights isn't arguing for feminism. Also, calling yourself feminist doesn't mean that you have to ignore any other form of injustice, because frankly feminism intersects with issues of race, immigrant rights, and sexuality. Actually, a lot of Jessica Valenti's work (www.feministing.com) both deals with these issues. Theres no need to limit or falsely attribute feminism to the right-wing conspiracy theorist caricature of what they have painted feminism to be.
24
It's funny to see all the replies to Fancy's_Pants original statement since it pretty much proved what she said. Almost every single reply has had a wildly different idea of what feminism is and isn't.
It's a loaded term and almost every self proclaimed feminist I have ever met had a list of things that every "real feminist" had to agree with her on. Of course the list of things varied depending on what that particular woman found important.
It's a loaded term and almost every self proclaimed feminist I have ever met had a list of things that every "real feminist" had to agree with her on. Of course the list of things varied depending on what that particular woman found important.
25
The calls on the podcast seem to be getting longer and longer. Any chance for another "short call" lovecast?
26
There is nothing worng with calling yoruself a feminist, and though there are stringent feminists, they aren't all that way. I believe that all people should be equal, but woman need an extra boost because yes, there still is sexism and we are not equal. This has been pretty clear the past year. It's not taking away anything from men, and to say such is bullshit. Most feminists I know fight equality for LGBT, immigrants, and so on. You know, painting all feminists with the same brush uis being just as closed minded as some of the feminists that put you off feminism. Reinforcing this negative streotype just buys in to what MRA's and extreme Republicans want you to. Sometimes you need to be loud and unrelenting to get the job done. Get overself Fancypants, I'm sure you're a wonderful, strong, independent woman. It does not mean that inequality and sexism aren't very obvious in others lives. In fact, most women's lives. Not everyone is outgoing, or able to easily stand up for themselves.
27
About the guy with the troubling dreams - one thing I would check is whether or not he is on any medications, esp. new medications. The info on the anti-depressant effexor has as the first listed side effect "strange dreams". I noticed the dreams before I realized this was a known side effect, though I grant that my dreams were not recurring or particularly sexual. Another thing to look into is whether there is anything troubling him in his work or personal life. Dreams are often symbolic and may replace a real object or situation with something else. In this case, as Dan pointed out, the incident with a woman when he was younger may indeed have distressed him but his subconscious may be substituting that long-ago event for something else that is seriously bugging him. It is also possible that the dream actually does represent the real event.
28
As for Mr maybe I was raped, if you keep this up you will certainly be called Dad real soon. RUN!!
29
You dont label yourself a feminist because you feel extreme feminists have co-opted the word.
Do Christians deny their Christianity just b/c a bunch of ding-bats have hijacked their religion and turned it into a self serving and hate promoting political platform? No!
Feminism is equal rights for women. Period. It is forces and powers on the right who are making you believe that if you label yourself a feminist then you must align yourself with and defend the views of the most extreme self proclaimed feminists.
Do Christians deny their Christianity just b/c a bunch of ding-bats have hijacked their religion and turned it into a self serving and hate promoting political platform? No!
Feminism is equal rights for women. Period. It is forces and powers on the right who are making you believe that if you label yourself a feminist then you must align yourself with and defend the views of the most extreme self proclaimed feminists.
30
I agree that the caller's calls should be cut off A LOT earlier. They drone onandonandonandonandrepeatandrepeat.
I am really interested in the fact that people want to natter on and on about theories on feminism and a 17 YEAR OLD child is being TERRORIZED and mostly ignored in these comments. What is your problem if the most engaging thing about this podcast is a single sentence about feminism while a child is being demeaned, and subjugated and terrorized and intimidated and abandoned emotionally? "Feminists" just piled on more shit by ignoring her.
The SAFE woman was a waste of air time.
Thank you Dan for having some sense. If her family doesn't support her what does the Domestic Violence lady actually think is going to happen if she finds "someone to support her"?!?!?! This girl was saying--over and over, that she has NO ONE to support her. THAT WAS HER QUESTION. Not--Is this wrong that he is doing this to me?--She knew that! Her question is, what can I DO since there is NO ONE to back me up? Telling her to find someone to back her up is WORTHLESS. She also probably knows that finding someone at school--church--etc. will probably result in either more collusion with the cousin or MANDATORY REPORTING by law, which puts her in EXACTLY the same position with her family. WIth this stuff, sometimes only a small percentage of the trauma comes from the perp (the cousin) and the most comes from the people she actually loves and trusts ignoring her and RE-VIOLATING her. Thank you again Dan for giving her a practical response. IT at least served to help her protect herself.
Also, I got the feeling that a lot of the feeling of violation came from her sense that the people she loved would not stand up, or behind her. Most of us can survive a lot of crap if there is just one SOLID person in our corner. I got the sense that she was even more traumatized by the fact that one of her cousins that she seems to love and care about, is IGNORING what is happening to her. Often times, teenagers follow a charismatic person. Perhaps this girl could try confronting the other cousin by saying something like "It seems like you seem to want to watch him rape me? Is that how you want me to think of and remember you for the rest of our lives? As my cousin who let me be molested?" By asking her cousin the question, she forces him to be accountable to HIMSELF--one way or the other. Since he is already complicit, it is not likely to hurt, but perhaps causes him to look at his own behavior. I can only hope..
More...
I am really interested in the fact that people want to natter on and on about theories on feminism and a 17 YEAR OLD child is being TERRORIZED and mostly ignored in these comments. What is your problem if the most engaging thing about this podcast is a single sentence about feminism while a child is being demeaned, and subjugated and terrorized and intimidated and abandoned emotionally? "Feminists" just piled on more shit by ignoring her.
The SAFE woman was a waste of air time.
Thank you Dan for having some sense. If her family doesn't support her what does the Domestic Violence lady actually think is going to happen if she finds "someone to support her"?!?!?! This girl was saying--over and over, that she has NO ONE to support her. THAT WAS HER QUESTION. Not--Is this wrong that he is doing this to me?--She knew that! Her question is, what can I DO since there is NO ONE to back me up? Telling her to find someone to back her up is WORTHLESS. She also probably knows that finding someone at school--church--etc. will probably result in either more collusion with the cousin or MANDATORY REPORTING by law, which puts her in EXACTLY the same position with her family. WIth this stuff, sometimes only a small percentage of the trauma comes from the perp (the cousin) and the most comes from the people she actually loves and trusts ignoring her and RE-VIOLATING her. Thank you again Dan for giving her a practical response. IT at least served to help her protect herself.
Also, I got the feeling that a lot of the feeling of violation came from her sense that the people she loved would not stand up, or behind her. Most of us can survive a lot of crap if there is just one SOLID person in our corner. I got the sense that she was even more traumatized by the fact that one of her cousins that she seems to love and care about, is IGNORING what is happening to her. Often times, teenagers follow a charismatic person. Perhaps this girl could try confronting the other cousin by saying something like "It seems like you seem to want to watch him rape me? Is that how you want me to think of and remember you for the rest of our lives? As my cousin who let me be molested?" By asking her cousin the question, she forces him to be accountable to HIMSELF--one way or the other. Since he is already complicit, it is not likely to hurt, but perhaps causes him to look at his own behavior. I can only hope..
31
To the guy with a stalker: Yes you were raped. Dan's hesitation to call it anything but this is mindblowing.
You can't give consent when you're that drunk. If both people are drunk, then, well... THAT'S a gray area. But she was SOBER. She realized you didn't want anything to do with her. She knew you were drunk and took advantage of that. She raped you. She's not a jerk -- she's a rapist and a predatory.
Don't listen to Dan about not reporting it. If men never report this, then it will never get taken seriously. Male victims of rape need to be advocates.
You can't give consent when you're that drunk. If both people are drunk, then, well... THAT'S a gray area. But she was SOBER. She realized you didn't want anything to do with her. She knew you were drunk and took advantage of that. She raped you. She's not a jerk -- she's a rapist and a predatory.
Don't listen to Dan about not reporting it. If men never report this, then it will never get taken seriously. Male victims of rape need to be advocates.
32
Also, the women who refuse to label themselves feminists because they don't like the connotations the word currently has are being extremely counterproductive. That's about as mature a response as deciding not to vote because you don't like the political climate in the country.
You can only change the construct of what feminism is and isn't, you can only shape what is at the forefront of the agenda for women's rights, by being a part of it -- by identifying as a feminist if you believe in political, social, and legal equality for women. Otherwise, yes you are allowing the term and movement to be co-opted by people you disagree with, and this will only hurt YOU in the long run, as it's the feminist movement which will shape policy and law and public consciousness, not disaffected individuals.
Finally, and it's trite, but I think many of these anti-feminists must not have a lot of experience with real, live feminists if their impressions consist of hairy lesbian radicals.
You can only change the construct of what feminism is and isn't, you can only shape what is at the forefront of the agenda for women's rights, by being a part of it -- by identifying as a feminist if you believe in political, social, and legal equality for women. Otherwise, yes you are allowing the term and movement to be co-opted by people you disagree with, and this will only hurt YOU in the long run, as it's the feminist movement which will shape policy and law and public consciousness, not disaffected individuals.
Finally, and it's trite, but I think many of these anti-feminists must not have a lot of experience with real, live feminists if their impressions consist of hairy lesbian radicals.
33
Hear, hear, hear, hear, @32. If you don't like the feminists you've met, instead of running away from feminism, be a different kind of feminist! Change the meaning of the label!
When I hear people distance themselves from the word "feminist", what I hear is, "Oh, I'm not one of THOSE militant bitches." It's just like gay men saying, "Oh, I'm not one of THOSE prancing fags." Self-hatred is divisive and counterproductive.
When I hear people distance themselves from the word "feminist", what I hear is, "Oh, I'm not one of THOSE militant bitches." It's just like gay men saying, "Oh, I'm not one of THOSE prancing fags." Self-hatred is divisive and counterproductive.
34
Yeah, Shurenka! That's what I was gonna say on both topics. People saying feminism is all about doing unto men what hath been done unto women lo these many generations are buying some reductive hidebound bunk definition of the term promoted by a. wackos or b. co-opting antis or c. both. And here is proof: I'm a feminist and I say anybody who claims the stalked guy was "grayraped" or "kinda sorta but not dateraped" is crazy, because that guy was raped. Fuckers of all genders who are planning to fuck need to ask themselves a very simple question and if the answer to the question is no, do not proceed with the fuckplan. The question is: can the person I want to fuck consent? Could that guy consent? No, that guy could not consent. The end! No fucking may ensue!
True. Yes. Correct: he consented to become a temporary vegetable earlier in the evening.
No. Wrong. False: that he decided to get dead drunk does NOT mean he opted out of consent-to-fuck. You CAN'T opt out of consent-to-fuck because consent-to-fuck is a basic human right. Jesus H. Christ, what is wrong with people? Stop running around looking for blacked out drunks to rape, and stop defending the assholes that do that!
True. Yes. Correct: he consented to become a temporary vegetable earlier in the evening.
No. Wrong. False: that he decided to get dead drunk does NOT mean he opted out of consent-to-fuck. You CAN'T opt out of consent-to-fuck because consent-to-fuck is a basic human right. Jesus H. Christ, what is wrong with people? Stop running around looking for blacked out drunks to rape, and stop defending the assholes that do that!
35
PS: Did you know that alcoholism is protected under the ADA? Fellow citizens! Quit going on the Internet all the time to argue for your right to rape the disabled!
PPS: Also please to quit talking about how sober the profoundly drunk always act and how this tempts you to rape 'em. "She blew a .2, yet she was acting Totally Nooooormal!" Naw: unless the rapist was anosmatic, she knew that guy was cronked beyond all recognition. The drunks amongst us outgas. It is unmistakable. That is wherefore the breathalizer test.
PPS: Also please to quit talking about how sober the profoundly drunk always act and how this tempts you to rape 'em. "She blew a .2, yet she was acting Totally Nooooormal!" Naw: unless the rapist was anosmatic, she knew that guy was cronked beyond all recognition. The drunks amongst us outgas. It is unmistakable. That is wherefore the breathalizer test.
36
I encourage the pussy-nightmare-haver to read "Embodiment" by psychologist and dreamtherapist Robert Bosnak. He's a Dutch man living in the US, maybe his practise is near you. His approach very much begins at the wish this caller expresses: to just offer the woman in his dreams a dildo. Bosnak developed a therapy called 'dreamwork', which you can probably get in the city you live in.
37
I have been beaten to the "lucid dreaming" punch for pussy krueger! I also used to have recurring nightmares, and once I recognized how the dream began, I became more aware that it WAS a dream and after awhile was able to employ lucid dreaming techniques. Eventually, the dreams stopped. I still remember them vividly, but the experience helped me become more able to wake myself or control nightmares in the future. I hope it helps!
38
dreams can mean many things, and lucid dreaming is a huge help for nightmares... it is also possible to have some astral crap causing problems, and there is shamanic help available. Seattle has the Sundust Oracle Institute, which can recommend a trained shamanic practitioner for soul retrieval or clearing. Best place to look in other regions would probably be in the native community... find an elder you can talk to - they've been treating this stuff for thousands of years.
39
I completely agree that the answer to the cougar problem is lucid dreaming. Check out the episode of Radiolab as suggested above: it's an amazing piece of work! And read a book or two by Stephen LaBerge.
40
The amount of victim-blaming on this comment thread is absolutely repulsive...and I'm looking at you #15, #17 and #18. Thank you to all of the people on this thread who so patiently took the time to explain the concept of consent to those who do not understand it (even though we really should expect our society to be educated about something as basic as this in the first place). And thank you to the people who attempted to ignore Dan's advice and connect the caller to resources. Why, however, has no one stopped to say, "Whoa Dan, WTF were you thinking?!?!" Responsibility shouldn't be placed on this one guy to go to the police so he can contribute to the eventual recognition of female rape of men. Reporting a rape or not is a very individual choice, and there is no right answer. However, responsibility should be placed on Dan to inform all of his listeners of the validity of this experience and dispel the rape myths that contribute to police disregard for incidents like this in the first place. Dan, I'm really really disappointed.
41
With regard to the young woman who is constantly fighting off unwanted sexual touching from her cousin: I would advise this young lady to call victim's assistance in her local police department and explain what is happening and that she may need help. Then, she can write a brief letter explaining that she needs help: Cousin X is touching her inappropriately and forcing unwanted kisses upon her, she has repeatedly told him to stop and never encouraged him, and that she needs them to help her by not leaving her alone with him. Copy the letter and give it to Cousin X, to all female relatives and her father and to the police department. If you write it down, you can edit all the emotion out of it and you don't have to engage them. I have been in her shoes. When I finally "told" I was so surprised by the reaction I received. The way I approached it with the mom of the perv family member was "I hate to tell you this because I know this isn't how you raised him, but your son is kissing me and touching me when I keep telling him not to! I don't want you to tell him I talked to you, I don't want to get him in trouble, I just want your help -- could you please not leave me alone with him?" Of course his mom didn't say much to me about it, but she never left the two of us alone again. I don't think she got him the help he needed, but I was younger than your caller and hadn't yet developed the maturity to broach that topic.
42
@40 and you're quick to label someone a rapist based on minimal information.
I merely outlined how the case would probably look for a legal perspective. Guy gets plastered, answers a call from a girl he doesn't want anything to do with, yet is able to be coherant enough to let her know the address he is at. Anything past that is a mystery - no one but this girl knows if she herself was sober, if she knew he was that drunk, if he did or did not consent in the moment, etc.
From the caller's account, this woman makes him uncomfortable and doesn't seem to catch a hint that he wants nothing to do with her, but there's still a ways to go before you can round her up to a rapist.
I merely outlined how the case would probably look for a legal perspective. Guy gets plastered, answers a call from a girl he doesn't want anything to do with, yet is able to be coherant enough to let her know the address he is at. Anything past that is a mystery - no one but this girl knows if she herself was sober, if she knew he was that drunk, if he did or did not consent in the moment, etc.
From the caller's account, this woman makes him uncomfortable and doesn't seem to catch a hint that he wants nothing to do with her, but there's still a ways to go before you can round her up to a rapist.
43
@42
You can't consent when you're drunk... any responsible adult (male and female) should know that. If you're a decent person you simply don't take advantage of a person's impaired cognizance, to get them to do something you know they wouldn't do sober. If the genders were reversed no one would hesitate to call the sober person's actions anything but stone-cold predatory. Also, instead of painting the picture that she just "couldn't catch a hint", I think we'd say, if the genders were reversed, that she was simply a stalker.
There are a lot of details missing... but this isn't a court of law. Even if you don't want to call the woman a rapist, whether or not she is technically at fault -- this man was raped. He feels raped. From his perspective, he was not in a position to give consent, and she knew that and exploited it. The first step of healing is having the grief acknowledged, validated in some way. Whether or not the courts, woefully backwards when it comes to rape anyways, give him justice.
You can't consent when you're drunk... any responsible adult (male and female) should know that. If you're a decent person you simply don't take advantage of a person's impaired cognizance, to get them to do something you know they wouldn't do sober. If the genders were reversed no one would hesitate to call the sober person's actions anything but stone-cold predatory. Also, instead of painting the picture that she just "couldn't catch a hint", I think we'd say, if the genders were reversed, that she was simply a stalker.
There are a lot of details missing... but this isn't a court of law. Even if you don't want to call the woman a rapist, whether or not she is technically at fault -- this man was raped. He feels raped. From his perspective, he was not in a position to give consent, and she knew that and exploited it. The first step of healing is having the grief acknowledged, validated in some way. Whether or not the courts, woefully backwards when it comes to rape anyways, give him justice.
44
42, "can't catch a clue" is not an acceptable rape defense anymore. "Sure, she said no fifty times but I had my hand over her mouth at the moment of penetration and I didn't hear 'no,' so obviously she changed her mind." "Well, I don't know, she could have been saying no but it was hard to tell 'cause she was too messed up on Jaegerbombs to make consonant sounds, so I was like, dude, clearly she wants it." "She quit taking my calls per every 'how to deal with stalkers' advisory in the history of the world so I kept calling for a year and a half 'til finally I got her when she was too drunk to make consonant sounds and I tracked her down and nailed her and now I'm pretty sure we're gonna get married." The whole "no means no" campaign of the 1990s was to teach you that these are not good arguments, but the three-word slogan is clearly still too complicated. Is there some way to break it down further to make it simple enough for you?
45
Yes, I agree with hiddenplace's comment to check out that radiolab show. Since lucid dreaming is quite a long term process I would also recommend re-entering (no pun intended) the dream while awake in a process called "active imagination." The caller mentioned he wanted to give Pussy Cougar a dildo - maybe in his imagination he can try this out and see how it works! Sometimes by addressing dream figures in a dialogue helps to assuage them. Good Luck dreamer! (I am a dream worker in San Francisco - www.tarotdreamstone.com)
46
An idea for dealing with night terrors:
A therapist taught me that a dream is an event in your mind, so REWRITE THE EVENT IN YOUR MIND. Deliberately think through the nightmare, but change the ending. Take control of the situation and imagine all the ways it could end in your favor: walk away from the woman, send in other men to fuck her (and pay you!), tell her to fly away - and watch her do just that. Make a game of it - visualize peeing on her and she melts like the witch in Oz. Nothing is off limits because it is all in your mind. Being in charge is powerful, and you have that power.
This technique helped me. Good luck.
A therapist taught me that a dream is an event in your mind, so REWRITE THE EVENT IN YOUR MIND. Deliberately think through the nightmare, but change the ending. Take control of the situation and imagine all the ways it could end in your favor: walk away from the woman, send in other men to fuck her (and pay you!), tell her to fly away - and watch her do just that. Make a game of it - visualize peeing on her and she melts like the witch in Oz. Nothing is off limits because it is all in your mind. Being in charge is powerful, and you have that power.
This technique helped me. Good luck.
47
more on 46 - do all this thinking/imagining/changing the outcome WHILE AWAKE. I've heard of lucid dreaming, but think through this while fully conscious.
48
Wow, that girl's call about being harassed was heartbreaking. There was a couple of points where you could just hear the despair, and it made me so upset and livid.
I'd suggest two things: Film it. Camera phone, hidden netbook in the room. It's backup, ammunition, if you ever want to take it further, it's proof beyond he-said she-said. Further, you can tell him to back off, because you have video of it.
Second: Dan has it right. Refuse to be in the same room with him. Make a big stink about it. Your family might be retards, and try and turn things around when you state what he has done him, but if you refuse to be drawn into details while refusing to be around him, it's really hard for them to contradict that, OR frame it as you wanting it in any way.
Just keep repeating "He is grabby and rude, and I refuse to be around him", or whatever else is the bullshit 'polite' way of expressing sexual harassment in your area.
Cut him off, and cut your other cousin off for not doing anything. And tell him that - "I don't want to be around X, and I don't want to be around you, because you have never done anything to stop him, and I am so, so over it."
For the guy who was stalked and coerced and manipulated into sex - what a horrible podcast this was. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Cut off contact, yes. But also tell her that you think her actions have been really inappropriate, that you regret ever getting involved with her, that she had been really creepy when taking advantage of you while you were drunk, that you would never treat a girl the way she has treated you, and that given how upset you feel about her actions, you never want to see or talk to her again, that clearly your interactions are unhealthy for the both of you, because you don't think she would want to be the person she is around you either.
Tell friends that you'd appreciate their *assistance* in helping you keep some distance from her, because you are feeling really skeeved out around her, and that may help them actually take an active role, rather than being passive bystanders to stuff that you'd rather they not be passive about.
More...
I'd suggest two things: Film it. Camera phone, hidden netbook in the room. It's backup, ammunition, if you ever want to take it further, it's proof beyond he-said she-said. Further, you can tell him to back off, because you have video of it.
Second: Dan has it right. Refuse to be in the same room with him. Make a big stink about it. Your family might be retards, and try and turn things around when you state what he has done him, but if you refuse to be drawn into details while refusing to be around him, it's really hard for them to contradict that, OR frame it as you wanting it in any way.
Just keep repeating "He is grabby and rude, and I refuse to be around him", or whatever else is the bullshit 'polite' way of expressing sexual harassment in your area.
Cut him off, and cut your other cousin off for not doing anything. And tell him that - "I don't want to be around X, and I don't want to be around you, because you have never done anything to stop him, and I am so, so over it."
For the guy who was stalked and coerced and manipulated into sex - what a horrible podcast this was. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Cut off contact, yes. But also tell her that you think her actions have been really inappropriate, that you regret ever getting involved with her, that she had been really creepy when taking advantage of you while you were drunk, that you would never treat a girl the way she has treated you, and that given how upset you feel about her actions, you never want to see or talk to her again, that clearly your interactions are unhealthy for the both of you, because you don't think she would want to be the person she is around you either.
Tell friends that you'd appreciate their *assistance* in helping you keep some distance from her, because you are feeling really skeeved out around her, and that may help them actually take an active role, rather than being passive bystanders to stuff that you'd rather they not be passive about.
50
To the guy suffering from "Pussy Krueger", it really sounds like your being preyed upon by an astral succubus. Normally the succubus steals sexual energy from a guy and moves on. Your succubus isn't moving on from you because she found out how to manipulate your fear and is feeding off your fear energy as well as sexual energy. Because succubi don't stick around, there is a lack of available reading material on the subject of banishing them but I have 3 ideas for you to try. It will be more lasting and effective if you ward off this succubus yourself.
Now in doing these I would ask that you do them in complete seriousness with your whole being. I don't know of your religious background, but will endeavor to make these as universal as possible. If you are an Atheist, I would ask that you do them with at the very least an open mind.
1. Cleanse your bedroom (& maybe your whole house/apt while your at it): Get a bundle of Sage leaves or even a Sage Incense Stick will do. Before you light the Sage like any other incense, imagine that the bundle/stick is an extension of your physical body (IE. the sage is a part of you) even with your nerves running through the core. Send your energy (nerve electrical impulses) through the stick making it glow almost from the inside. Give the nerve energy a thought/purpose, the purpose/thought of cleansing and protection, from all and any negative energy, negative thoughts. As you see the sage holding that glow/thought/purpose light the end and let it burn a little, enough to give you good embers for smoke. As it starts to smoke move the stick/bundle in a clockwise circle, while moving about the room in a clockwise circle.
See that energy/purpose/thought you put into that sage be released with the smoke. Since it is your energy, it is still connected to you and so you need to keep telling the energy what it's purpose is, what space it will work it's purpose, and how long to work it's purpose. So as you are waving the sage in clockwise circles, repeat/chant in your mind it's purpose (cleanse this space of negative energy and protect all within this space from negative energy), the space (bedroom, bathroom,kitchen, etc...), and duration of effect (for as long as the succubus is attacking me, as long as I sleep in this bedroom, as long as I live in this apt./house). See the smoke/thought make a barrier wafting out from the smoke, from the bundle/stick, pushing out all negative energies/thoughts/influences in your mind and staying at bay for however long you specified.
2. Make your bed a Sanctuary: For this you will need some holy water (any catholic church has some) a piece of cotton string (not thread, something fairly thick) long enough that wraps around the length of the feet of your bed and if your boyfriend is willing, his help (because you both share this bed). You will be tying the string around the feet of your bed (taught or loose, shouldn't matter, but to make it more inconspicuous and out of your way I say taught) to make essentially one big circle around your bed. But, before you tie the sting, you will need to soak the string in the holy water. First, imagine that the holy water is luminescent. That it glows with a pure soft white light, intense yet not blindingly so. As you are placing the string in the holy water with your hand touching/holding the string, feel/see the string absorb the light into itself. Feel/see the light and the string become one, until you have what looks like a string made of light. Now tie the string around the feet of your bed. After tying the string, you and your boyfriend will grab the string, with your boyfriend positioned on your left side (your going to be leading this sanctification, you have the strength & power within you, believe in yourself & your boyfriend).
Close your eyes and see it as the string of light that it is. Feel the light as gentle and comforting in your hands. As with the Sage you will feed your electrical nerve impulse energy into the string, but see the energy going in from your right hand through the string into your left hand, through your left hand through the string straight through your boyfriend's hands, not even stopping at him just continuing through the string around the outside of your bed back into and through your right hand. You're sending your energy through the string in a clockwise fashion, transforming the the glow of light into a current of clockwise running energy. Feed it energy/thoughts of strength, internal confidence, your will to protect yourself and your boyfriend (nothing negative, not anger or hate, only positive thoughts).
As it is running around your bed you will need to say a prayer, of sorts, a command/charge of your own words in your head (in your boyfriend's words in his head). It should be something to the effect of: "I call out to the light (or God, Goddess, Deity, etc...). I humbly ask for your protection". Upon saying this, see the light of the string in your mind change again, into the light similar to a bolt of lightning, a cool, more intense light, but with a hint of fiery blue. "I call out to my greatest protector (if your religious, this would be your Guardian Angel or equivalent, and see the 9ft tall being, with male or female or both features stand before you, dressed in a toga I'm assuming, serious and unflinching bearing a fiery sword; if you're an Atheist imagine instead a 9ft tall knight, male or female in armor made of light bearing a shield with a pentacle design and broad sword). I ask that a part of you always be with this string of light. I ask that you bless (because a little blessing never hurt) and protect all that rest inside the circle from any outside negative energies/thoughts/influences." See your protector become tethered to the circle by a loose thread of light. "Make this bed a sanctuary for me and my boyfriend. You will bless and protect everything within the bounds of this string for as long (as I am being targeted by this succubus, as I & my boyfriend sleep in this bed/live, as this string encircles my bed, etc...). You will keep at bay all negative energies/influences/thoughts from disturbing me & my boyfriend's rest or activities." Imagine small negative energies/thoughts/worries move towards your bed and see your Guardian Angel repel them easily by holding out their hand and the negative energy fleeing away. If you're an Atheist, the knight knocks back the negative energy with a shield thrust as if the negative energy was a ping pong and it bounces back. "You will permanently banish any negative energy that becomes persistent without hesitation." This time imagine your succubus appearing looking as beautiful/seductive as ever (have your boyfriend imagine this part as well in his prayer/command/charge, so his guardian/protector will know to also combat the succubus too) approaching your bed slowly. Your protector holds out their hand/up their shield. She pauses for a moment but continues to approach, she takes another step forward and your protector thrusts their sword in her direction. She grabs her midsection in pain, crying out, losing her beauty, before falling back and disappearing/fading away into nothingness for good. "As I will it, so shall it be (so mote it, etc...)" Upon saying those words in your mind let go of the string, and with eyes still closed, see the light become steady and intense. See in your mind a wall/veil of light come out of the string extending up and downwards. When the wall of light reaches the floor see it start to move inward and spread along the floor, to encompass all the space underneath your bed. Extending upward reaching the ceiling and seeing it extend along the ceiling above your bed inward, making an almost cylinder of light, all the color of the bright blue string now at the bottom of the feet of the bed.
3. Gaining strength from the power of your relationship with your boyfriend: The last step should be all that you need, but just in case you can also do this. As you are about to sleep, hold your boyfriend's hand. Close your eyes getting ready for sleep. Tell yourself, "If I ever feel scared while I'm dreaming, I will squeeze my boyfriend's hand. I will feel him next to me and with me. Knowing he is here with me will give me strength to reject anything I fear." Repeat this determinedly yet softly, until you fall peacefully asleep.
I know asking a rational person to consider the source of your sleep troubles is because of a succubus is asking a lot, but what could it hurt to even just try these things out. You only have some time and a little money to lose and restful nights sleep for the rest of your life to gain. Rest well and Peace be unto you.
More...
Now in doing these I would ask that you do them in complete seriousness with your whole being. I don't know of your religious background, but will endeavor to make these as universal as possible. If you are an Atheist, I would ask that you do them with at the very least an open mind.
1. Cleanse your bedroom (& maybe your whole house/apt while your at it): Get a bundle of Sage leaves or even a Sage Incense Stick will do. Before you light the Sage like any other incense, imagine that the bundle/stick is an extension of your physical body (IE. the sage is a part of you) even with your nerves running through the core. Send your energy (nerve electrical impulses) through the stick making it glow almost from the inside. Give the nerve energy a thought/purpose, the purpose/thought of cleansing and protection, from all and any negative energy, negative thoughts. As you see the sage holding that glow/thought/purpose light the end and let it burn a little, enough to give you good embers for smoke. As it starts to smoke move the stick/bundle in a clockwise circle, while moving about the room in a clockwise circle.
See that energy/purpose/thought you put into that sage be released with the smoke. Since it is your energy, it is still connected to you and so you need to keep telling the energy what it's purpose is, what space it will work it's purpose, and how long to work it's purpose. So as you are waving the sage in clockwise circles, repeat/chant in your mind it's purpose (cleanse this space of negative energy and protect all within this space from negative energy), the space (bedroom, bathroom,kitchen, etc...), and duration of effect (for as long as the succubus is attacking me, as long as I sleep in this bedroom, as long as I live in this apt./house). See the smoke/thought make a barrier wafting out from the smoke, from the bundle/stick, pushing out all negative energies/thoughts/influences in your mind and staying at bay for however long you specified.
2. Make your bed a Sanctuary: For this you will need some holy water (any catholic church has some) a piece of cotton string (not thread, something fairly thick) long enough that wraps around the length of the feet of your bed and if your boyfriend is willing, his help (because you both share this bed). You will be tying the string around the feet of your bed (taught or loose, shouldn't matter, but to make it more inconspicuous and out of your way I say taught) to make essentially one big circle around your bed. But, before you tie the sting, you will need to soak the string in the holy water. First, imagine that the holy water is luminescent. That it glows with a pure soft white light, intense yet not blindingly so. As you are placing the string in the holy water with your hand touching/holding the string, feel/see the string absorb the light into itself. Feel/see the light and the string become one, until you have what looks like a string made of light. Now tie the string around the feet of your bed. After tying the string, you and your boyfriend will grab the string, with your boyfriend positioned on your left side (your going to be leading this sanctification, you have the strength & power within you, believe in yourself & your boyfriend).
Close your eyes and see it as the string of light that it is. Feel the light as gentle and comforting in your hands. As with the Sage you will feed your electrical nerve impulse energy into the string, but see the energy going in from your right hand through the string into your left hand, through your left hand through the string straight through your boyfriend's hands, not even stopping at him just continuing through the string around the outside of your bed back into and through your right hand. You're sending your energy through the string in a clockwise fashion, transforming the the glow of light into a current of clockwise running energy. Feed it energy/thoughts of strength, internal confidence, your will to protect yourself and your boyfriend (nothing negative, not anger or hate, only positive thoughts).
As it is running around your bed you will need to say a prayer, of sorts, a command/charge of your own words in your head (in your boyfriend's words in his head). It should be something to the effect of: "I call out to the light (or God, Goddess, Deity, etc...). I humbly ask for your protection". Upon saying this, see the light of the string in your mind change again, into the light similar to a bolt of lightning, a cool, more intense light, but with a hint of fiery blue. "I call out to my greatest protector (if your religious, this would be your Guardian Angel or equivalent, and see the 9ft tall being, with male or female or both features stand before you, dressed in a toga I'm assuming, serious and unflinching bearing a fiery sword; if you're an Atheist imagine instead a 9ft tall knight, male or female in armor made of light bearing a shield with a pentacle design and broad sword). I ask that a part of you always be with this string of light. I ask that you bless (because a little blessing never hurt) and protect all that rest inside the circle from any outside negative energies/thoughts/influences." See your protector become tethered to the circle by a loose thread of light. "Make this bed a sanctuary for me and my boyfriend. You will bless and protect everything within the bounds of this string for as long (as I am being targeted by this succubus, as I & my boyfriend sleep in this bed/live, as this string encircles my bed, etc...). You will keep at bay all negative energies/influences/thoughts from disturbing me & my boyfriend's rest or activities." Imagine small negative energies/thoughts/worries move towards your bed and see your Guardian Angel repel them easily by holding out their hand and the negative energy fleeing away. If you're an Atheist, the knight knocks back the negative energy with a shield thrust as if the negative energy was a ping pong and it bounces back. "You will permanently banish any negative energy that becomes persistent without hesitation." This time imagine your succubus appearing looking as beautiful/seductive as ever (have your boyfriend imagine this part as well in his prayer/command/charge, so his guardian/protector will know to also combat the succubus too) approaching your bed slowly. Your protector holds out their hand/up their shield. She pauses for a moment but continues to approach, she takes another step forward and your protector thrusts their sword in her direction. She grabs her midsection in pain, crying out, losing her beauty, before falling back and disappearing/fading away into nothingness for good. "As I will it, so shall it be (so mote it, etc...)" Upon saying those words in your mind let go of the string, and with eyes still closed, see the light become steady and intense. See in your mind a wall/veil of light come out of the string extending up and downwards. When the wall of light reaches the floor see it start to move inward and spread along the floor, to encompass all the space underneath your bed. Extending upward reaching the ceiling and seeing it extend along the ceiling above your bed inward, making an almost cylinder of light, all the color of the bright blue string now at the bottom of the feet of the bed.
3. Gaining strength from the power of your relationship with your boyfriend: The last step should be all that you need, but just in case you can also do this. As you are about to sleep, hold your boyfriend's hand. Close your eyes getting ready for sleep. Tell yourself, "If I ever feel scared while I'm dreaming, I will squeeze my boyfriend's hand. I will feel him next to me and with me. Knowing he is here with me will give me strength to reject anything I fear." Repeat this determinedly yet softly, until you fall peacefully asleep.
I know asking a rational person to consider the source of your sleep troubles is because of a succubus is asking a lot, but what could it hurt to even just try these things out. You only have some time and a little money to lose and restful nights sleep for the rest of your life to gain. Rest well and Peace be unto you.
51
To the disturbed dreaming dude:
Disturbing dreams are part of normal life, stay cool. Perhaps there's something there that requires your attention.
My mom told me once that everyone in my dreams, all the crazy violent weird people, they are all me.
Disturbing dreams are part of normal life, stay cool. Perhaps there's something there that requires your attention.
My mom told me once that everyone in my dreams, all the crazy violent weird people, they are all me.
52
Does 'raped by a stalker' know they actually had sex. Perhaps she lied about it. If he was that 'black out drunk' what are his chances of being able to have sex?
53
I CANNOT believe what I'm hearing. What does his level of intoxication have to do with it? How dare you suggest that next time he drink less, or whatever? This blame-the-victim approach is morally reprehensible and, I believe, would not have been used if the caller had been a woman. Also, the caller was not asking if the police would believe him, but whether he was actually raped, and by definition yes he was, since he did not from his account give his consent and was unconscious during the act. Producing a boner has nothing to do with it. I'm absolutely astonished and aghast to be hearing such a medieval response, and I'm so disappointed, Dan.
54
Let's start from the top: Rape is sex without consent. Someone cannot legally get consent from a person who is intoxicated. Who is responsible for getting consent? The person initiating sex. If the caller was blackout drunk, the woman who had been stalking him could not possibly have had his consent for sex.
Even if the drunk person is begging for it, you cannot have their consent. I had a friend in college who became a tough guy whenever he got drunk. He would ask people to punch him in the stomach and in the face, telling them that he wouldn't feel a thing. As much as he begged, even grabbing my hand and trying to slam my knuckles against his jaw, I never hit him. Why? Cuz that's an asshole move, and I don't want to be labeled an asshole. Likewise, the stalker had sex with the caller without his consent. She is a rapist.
Why do so many people want to let this stalker off the hook?
Having had a prior sexual relationship doesn't mean that the stalkerwoman had the caller's consent. Following that logic, we could all be having sex with our former partners without their expressed consent and be protected. Which gets dicey if they're in new committed monogamous relationships or marriages. If someone is raped, being drunk, or having admitted to being "a drinker," doesn't absolve a rapist from having committed rape. If that were the case, I could steal your wallet whenever you've been drinking and not be called a thief. Rape is not an appropriate consequence for someone being drunk. In case you're wondering, the appropriate consequence for being drunk is being hungover.
The majority of rapes that are committed are done so using alcohol or drugs as a means to put the victim in a vulnerable state. In our culture, where drinking (and, specifically binge drinking) is a norm in social interactions, alcohol is the #1 date rape drug. And most survivors would say that they drank willingly. That doesn't make this stalker's behavior any less creepy and predatory. All she did was realize that he was vulnerable and take advantage of the situation.
Unfortunately, Dan outlines only 2 possible outcomes for this survivor of rape: that it wasn't rape, or that he was raped and "someone goes to jail." There's another option: That it was rape, and whether or not he takes legal action, he can go and get counseling. Unfortunately most rapes aren't even reported, and since our culture is one that protects rapists (as evidenced by all the victim-blaming, bullshit excuse-filled posts above), many survivors don't report for many reasons, including one that Dan points out: The caller is less likely to be believed because he is a guy. Male survivors of rape often don't even get counseling to help themselves because they often don't know what resources exist for men, and/or because many rape victim advocacy programs are housed in womens' centers. That's starting to change, but as long as rape is considered a "women's issue," many male survivors won't get the help they need.
Bottom line, the caller went out, and got drunk at a party. How many of us have done that before? Does that mean we all deserve to be raped? Reading through some of the posts above, it sounds like a lot of people think we do. So what if the caller didn't delete her number, so what if he answered the phone? The stalker was unable to get his consent, it was rape. No grey area involved.
More...
Even if the drunk person is begging for it, you cannot have their consent. I had a friend in college who became a tough guy whenever he got drunk. He would ask people to punch him in the stomach and in the face, telling them that he wouldn't feel a thing. As much as he begged, even grabbing my hand and trying to slam my knuckles against his jaw, I never hit him. Why? Cuz that's an asshole move, and I don't want to be labeled an asshole. Likewise, the stalker had sex with the caller without his consent. She is a rapist.
Why do so many people want to let this stalker off the hook?
Having had a prior sexual relationship doesn't mean that the stalkerwoman had the caller's consent. Following that logic, we could all be having sex with our former partners without their expressed consent and be protected. Which gets dicey if they're in new committed monogamous relationships or marriages. If someone is raped, being drunk, or having admitted to being "a drinker," doesn't absolve a rapist from having committed rape. If that were the case, I could steal your wallet whenever you've been drinking and not be called a thief. Rape is not an appropriate consequence for someone being drunk. In case you're wondering, the appropriate consequence for being drunk is being hungover.
The majority of rapes that are committed are done so using alcohol or drugs as a means to put the victim in a vulnerable state. In our culture, where drinking (and, specifically binge drinking) is a norm in social interactions, alcohol is the #1 date rape drug. And most survivors would say that they drank willingly. That doesn't make this stalker's behavior any less creepy and predatory. All she did was realize that he was vulnerable and take advantage of the situation.
Unfortunately, Dan outlines only 2 possible outcomes for this survivor of rape: that it wasn't rape, or that he was raped and "someone goes to jail." There's another option: That it was rape, and whether or not he takes legal action, he can go and get counseling. Unfortunately most rapes aren't even reported, and since our culture is one that protects rapists (as evidenced by all the victim-blaming, bullshit excuse-filled posts above), many survivors don't report for many reasons, including one that Dan points out: The caller is less likely to be believed because he is a guy. Male survivors of rape often don't even get counseling to help themselves because they often don't know what resources exist for men, and/or because many rape victim advocacy programs are housed in womens' centers. That's starting to change, but as long as rape is considered a "women's issue," many male survivors won't get the help they need.
Bottom line, the caller went out, and got drunk at a party. How many of us have done that before? Does that mean we all deserve to be raped? Reading through some of the posts above, it sounds like a lot of people think we do. So what if the caller didn't delete her number, so what if he answered the phone? The stalker was unable to get his consent, it was rape. No grey area involved.
55
@44 That would make sense if he ever said "no" to her, which he didn't. When she started exhibiting behavior he found creepy, he just stopped talking to her...I don't remember him mentioning he told her to never contact him again, stay out of his life, yadda yadda.
If he flat out told her "no, I don't want to see you any more" and she waited for a moment of weakness and pounced...yeah, sounds like rape. Starting to ignore a girl because she's creeping you out and never addressing it with her, then getting drunk at a party and answering her call, telling her where you are and how to get there, and then getting in her car, back to her place, and (supposedly) have sex with her, wake up the next morning and can't remember....yeah, I'm not backing down - it sounds like gray area.
If he flat out told her "no, I don't want to see you any more" and she waited for a moment of weakness and pounced...yeah, sounds like rape. Starting to ignore a girl because she's creeping you out and never addressing it with her, then getting drunk at a party and answering her call, telling her where you are and how to get there, and then getting in her car, back to her place, and (supposedly) have sex with her, wake up the next morning and can't remember....yeah, I'm not backing down - it sounds like gray area.
56
@55 why do you have to be so reasonable? Don't you know all sex is rape, because sex is bad and rape is bad and no two people ever want ti the same amount and sex is bad and penises are yucky and vaginas are gross and rape is bad? Jeez.
57
Okay, regardless of whether or not what happened with the guy getting stalked is date rape, couldn't you have given him some advice on how to deal with the stalking?
59
Re: stalker rape. What if she turns up pregnant?
If I were him I would call rape crisis to document the occurrence, forget criminal or civil charges, man up and take partial responsibility for getting blackout drunk in public...which is stupid after all.
If I were him I would call rape crisis to document the occurrence, forget criminal or civil charges, man up and take partial responsibility for getting blackout drunk in public...which is stupid after all.
60
I have another suggestion for the young gay man who has nightmares about a sexually aggressive woman he calls "Pussy Kruger."
Sometimes, fears we have in real life are reflected in our dreams. It sounds like this is the case for this man based on his recounting of an actual experience he had with a real-life pussy, where he "recoiled and became a trembling wreck." So if he can overcome this fear in real life it's likely the nightmares will stop, or at least lose their charge.
A strategy for overcoming fears is called "systematic desensitization." For example, if someone is allergic to snakes, we might show them a picture of a snake until they get comfortable with it. Then we might expose them to a rubber snake. Then they might look through a window at a live snake in the next room. They might stand outside a cage that holds a snake. The name might touch the snake while wearing a glove. Each step is small enough that it can be taken without too much anxiety and they stay at that stage until they get comfortable. Using this technique, people often eventually find themselves holding the snake without fear. And typically, when people overcome their biggest fears, they report that other parts of their life change as well.
The caller could do the same thing with pussy. And there's a type of person called a surrogate partner who is willing to let their body be part of a therapeutic process. In this case, that therapeutic process would involve gradually and systematically overcoming fear of pussy, in an experiential way, so that he doesn't just understand intellectually that pussies are nothing to be afraid of, but would be able to overcome that visceral response that contradicts his intellectual understanding.
Surrogate partners always work in conjunction with therapists, so the caller would get the benefit of verbal counseling as well as the experiential desensitization work they do with the surrogate partner. For more information about surrogate partner therapy, see the website of the International Professional Surrogates Association at www.surrogatetherapy.org.
More...
Sometimes, fears we have in real life are reflected in our dreams. It sounds like this is the case for this man based on his recounting of an actual experience he had with a real-life pussy, where he "recoiled and became a trembling wreck." So if he can overcome this fear in real life it's likely the nightmares will stop, or at least lose their charge.
A strategy for overcoming fears is called "systematic desensitization." For example, if someone is allergic to snakes, we might show them a picture of a snake until they get comfortable with it. Then we might expose them to a rubber snake. Then they might look through a window at a live snake in the next room. They might stand outside a cage that holds a snake. The name might touch the snake while wearing a glove. Each step is small enough that it can be taken without too much anxiety and they stay at that stage until they get comfortable. Using this technique, people often eventually find themselves holding the snake without fear. And typically, when people overcome their biggest fears, they report that other parts of their life change as well.
The caller could do the same thing with pussy. And there's a type of person called a surrogate partner who is willing to let their body be part of a therapeutic process. In this case, that therapeutic process would involve gradually and systematically overcoming fear of pussy, in an experiential way, so that he doesn't just understand intellectually that pussies are nothing to be afraid of, but would be able to overcome that visceral response that contradicts his intellectual understanding.
Surrogate partners always work in conjunction with therapists, so the caller would get the benefit of verbal counseling as well as the experiential desensitization work they do with the surrogate partner. For more information about surrogate partner therapy, see the website of the International Professional Surrogates Association at www.surrogatetherapy.org.
We're sorry, but commenting won't be available while we switch over to the new MAGNUM version of the Lovecast. Your comments will be back up tomorrow- please come back and let us know what you think!
Comments (60) RSS