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4
"Fapping is a Handy from Satan" is a running theme in these cheap xtian movies lately. Fireproof with our buddy Kirk Cameron, now this... TPM noted last year this same director was trying to fundraise a comedy about abstinence, in which Ted Haggard had agreed to cameo. All this seems like good stuff for a curated movie night at Rebar.
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.co…
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.co…
5
We need a horror film about the new inquisition. The one torturing school children to death. Religion is not harmless.
7
Does the father defeat the evils of printed pornography by playing a wax cylinder of a pre-pubescent Billy Graham preaching?
8
This looks like a truly horrifying film. OMG HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MASTURBATING? OMG YOU'RE GOING BLIND!!! THE PORN!!! THE HORROR!!! YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR HANDS!!! ARE YOU BECOMING A WEREWOLF? Oh... no... just spanking it too much. Yeah.
11
Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day.
Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing,
No rain is falling from a heavy sky.
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?
For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.
JUST A BOX OF PORN
Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing,
No rain is falling from a heavy sky.
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through?
For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.
JUST A BOX OF PORN
14
"You got Paranormal Activity in my Chick Tract!"
'You got a Chick Tract in my Paranormal Activity!'
"Waaaaait a minute..."
'You got a Chick Tract in my Paranormal Activity!'
"Waaaaait a minute..."
15
The sequel is even scarier. The parents find the kid's stash of vynil heavy metal LPs. They accidentally play them backwards--and the whole family ends up worshipping Satan!
16
@15 - I thought that was an episode of Family Matters. Then again, what sitcom hasn't done the ol' Satanism episode at one time or another?
17
The Republicans and the christian right seems to be stuck in a time warp; Romney is speaking out about internet porn, and this clip is about paper porn. Romney and the makers of "Harmless" both seem to be oblivous to the fact that a die-hard porn consumer can get by without either, because anyone with a video-cam--or even a hand-held device--can generate and film their own porn (and they get to star in it, too!).
But then Romney is also speaking about the dangers of the Soviet Union and about how Obama is failing to protect Czecholslovakia, a country that hasn't existed for two decades.
And that all ties in: the Republicans and the Christian right are standing ready, willing and able to lead us into the 1980's.
But then Romney is also speaking about the dangers of the Soviet Union and about how Obama is failing to protect Czecholslovakia, a country that hasn't existed for two decades.
And that all ties in: the Republicans and the Christian right are standing ready, willing and able to lead us into the 1980's.
18
The terrifying story of a family that discovers a big box of stupid in their basement. They open it and look inside, and it ruins their lives, forcing them to live in constant fear and ignorance.
19
Sweet nostalgia...
I remember finding a box of my dad's porn back when I was about 13 or 14 (can't remember exactly; it was a long time ago). Mind you, that was in the mid 1970s. When porn was still found hidden in boxes in a closet. I'm talking pre-VCR era here. Just tattered well-worn pages of old Penthouse magazines.
I guess we can take some comfort in knowing that the religious right is still stuck in a time warp about 3 decades out of date.
I remember finding a box of my dad's porn back when I was about 13 or 14 (can't remember exactly; it was a long time ago). Mind you, that was in the mid 1970s. When porn was still found hidden in boxes in a closet. I'm talking pre-VCR era here. Just tattered well-worn pages of old Penthouse magazines.
I guess we can take some comfort in knowing that the religious right is still stuck in a time warp about 3 decades out of date.
20
THINK OF THE CHILDREN! I was horrified. I will not turn off the lights nor answer the phone. Nor bathe, go into the basement nor attic, won't stay in bed either, nor leave the house. All because of this horror movie about porn! See how it ruins lives.
21
If you show this trailer in a theater people will be rolling in the aisles. (Laughing, not doing exorcisms)
23
Ah, still remembering when I found my mom's live-in boyfriend's BOX O'PORN in the basement... Good times.
24
@22 Nice.
I lit out from Reno, I was trailed by twenty hounds.
Couldn't get to sleep that night without a box of porn around.
Set out runnin' but I take my time, friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, might enjoy my box of porn tonight.
I lit out from Reno, I was trailed by twenty hounds.
Couldn't get to sleep that night without a box of porn around.
Set out runnin' but I take my time, friend of the devil is a friend of mine,
If I get home before daylight, might enjoy my box of porn tonight.
25
@22: There is a novel titled "Night of the Living Dead Christian". To quote the author: "Many people look at Christians, especially conservative Christians, and think, 'Zombies.' Sure, they get to live forever, but it’s not like they’re sparkling conversationalists. And there’s this weird, overpowering urge they have to convert people into creatures like them."
26
Oh shit! We totally found a box of porn in the basement of one of our parents' houses at a LAN party in high school! It was hilarious! Our guy who was good at voice impressions identified it as the "Box of Porn: +3 handstrength, +5 loneliness" in the persona of Deckard Cain (Diablo II had just come out, and we were/are a bunch of nerds). My experience with discovering a box of porn was nothing like this trailer suggests.
Also, Blair-Witch-style footage with the heavy breathing in the woods? That film came out over a decade ago; topical references don't age particularly well. And what's with the static bursts? Does analog video equipment still exist? Are we certain this isn't a bit of satire falling into the Poe's Law trap? It would be pretty hard to intentionally make something that's more self-mocking...
Also, Blair-Witch-style footage with the heavy breathing in the woods? That film came out over a decade ago; topical references don't age particularly well. And what's with the static bursts? Does analog video equipment still exist? Are we certain this isn't a bit of satire falling into the Poe's Law trap? It would be pretty hard to intentionally make something that's more self-mocking...
28
Am I to understand that the kid sees some porn, draws a picture of a hairy-vagina-face-monster-lady, and that this vaginamonster actually makes an appearance later in the movie? Because that sounds pretty fucking hilarious.
30
@12 - goddammit, I really wanted to coin that word. I agree with Mrs. Protagonist, though. There really IS something both alive and dead in my apartment/porn storage unit.
I'm making a complicated sperm joke here, people. Work with me.
I'm making a complicated sperm joke here, people. Work with me.
31
I can't believe anybody could take this seriously! I love when the wife says something like, "you let something into the house!" Because finding porn is like finding the dead body of a small child murdered in your basement 10 years ago - it will unleash all manner of unholy beasts into your home and life! Do they burn the porn at the end and then everything is peaches and sunshine again?
32
@25, Wow...I've never thought about Christians as Zombies before, but it all makes sense now.
But, apparently Zombie-ness is curable, and I am exhibit A. :)
But, apparently Zombie-ness is curable, and I am exhibit A. :)
35
I love their website's About section.
"Can I really be a part of the production of the movie?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! OH GOD, YES, RIGHT THERE, DON'T STOP! HELP WITH OUR PRODUCTION!!! GIVE US YOUR CREATIVE FEEDBACK AND WE'LL GIVE YOU A SPECIAL FUCKING AWARD, YOU FILTHY LITTLE SLUTS!"
"Can I really be a part of the production of the movie?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! OH GOD, YES, RIGHT THERE, DON'T STOP! HELP WITH OUR PRODUCTION!!! GIVE US YOUR CREATIVE FEEDBACK AND WE'LL GIVE YOU A SPECIAL FUCKING AWARD, YOU FILTHY LITTLE SLUTS!"
36
@25: Hmm, I'll check that out, thanks!
@34: Hmm, I'll check that out, dammit!
Seems too obvious to be a new idea, but maybe that was Romero's intended subtext all along.
@34: Hmm, I'll check that out, dammit!
Seems too obvious to be a new idea, but maybe that was Romero's intended subtext all along.
37
@31: Don't be silly. You know you have to give the box o' porn a proper Christian burial in hallowed ground to mak everything peachy in the family again. And then burn some sage to get rid of the smell.
38
Do we get to actually see the porn at the end of the movie? It might be worth sitting through then...I'm quite curious what it is.
39
@38: It's a happily- and monogamously-married, supposedly Christian couple who have sex doggy-style.
Sorry: I should have included a spoiler alert!
Sorry: I should have included a spoiler alert!
40
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAaaaaaaaaaa! *gasp!*
If one cardboard box of porn can make a house haunted, my computer alone would make my place a black vortex of evil visible from space.
If one cardboard box of porn can make a house haunted, my computer alone would make my place a black vortex of evil visible from space.
41
@40: Actually, Knat, you may want to check Google Maps and turn on satellite view. Turns out the Christians are right.
43
They've raised $225 dollars so far in the funding drive for $12,500 dollars.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1969…
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1969…
44
So is the "monster" supposed to be the traumatized and angry wife and the graveyard the death of their marriage bed? I've met with a number of distressed Christian who feel that they have been betrayed and abused by porn. They phrase it as having other women brought into their marriage. That he cheats with pornography. I'm sure they are paraphrasing Matthew 5:27-30, hence they feel viewing porn is an act of adultery, because of the sexual arousal. Then again, I've met with women who want to write Christian erotica...
45
I left a Box of Porn on the corner of Bellevue and Pine in 1997. It was labeled 'Free Porn'. It was gone in 15 minutes.
I would NOT touch a laptop that said Free Porn.
Box of Porn = Good. Laptop of Porn = Bad. WTF?
I would NOT touch a laptop that said Free Porn.
Box of Porn = Good. Laptop of Porn = Bad. WTF?
46
@45 Why the hell would you ever get rid of porn? It's like cats--you just keep collecting until you die, and leave it all for your kids to take care of.
47
If Dan hadn't said so, I wouldn't have even guessed that trailer was about the evils of porn. It seems like there's something really creepy inside that box that causes creepy women to attack your car in cemeteries and makes people give you long ominous glances for no particular reason.
Based on that trailer, porn is also capable of opening closet doors behind unsuspecting children.
Maybe this movie should be run as a double-feature with that old, hysterical "Reefer Madness" movie. Or they should remake it as a musical like that newer, awesomely hysterical "Reefer Madness."
Based on that trailer, porn is also capable of opening closet doors behind unsuspecting children.
Maybe this movie should be run as a double-feature with that old, hysterical "Reefer Madness" movie. Or they should remake it as a musical like that newer, awesomely hysterical "Reefer Madness."
48
@17 "And that all ties in: the Republicans and the Christian right are standing ready, willing and able to lead us into the 1680's."
TFTFY
TFTFY
52
Holy shit, I didn't realize that box of text was from the actual goddamn website. I thought someone else wrote that line satirically; jokingly, because it is sooo unbelievable. But they're for fucking real; they think pornography is evil. Are there baptist 10-year-olds running this project?
Also, why is it the husband and father's porn? I know the answer to this, but it still quite annoys me: the mother and wife could never be interested in porn; no, she gets all her pleasure in life from tending to her youngsters and hubby. She would instead allow herself to be "hurt" by the porn.
Also, why is it the husband and father's porn? I know the answer to this, but it still quite annoys me: the mother and wife could never be interested in porn; no, she gets all her pleasure in life from tending to her youngsters and hubby. She would instead allow herself to be "hurt" by the porn.
54
@43 If they get a $500 donation, they will name a character in the film after you. Anyone thinking about donating under the name of Dan Savage?
55
Wait, the teenager has a box of porn? It's not the pre-internet age father? An actual teenager with porn printed on paper? Is this a PSA from the 1950's? Who the heck has pornographic magazines in this day and age other than an antique store? Do they even make skin mags these days?
57
I'm really amazed that this film thinks it can do anything that "A Serbian Film" hasn't already done.
In fact, that is my proposed cure to the "porno acclimation" problem - you know, where you need nastier and nastier spank material? Just skip some steps and go straight to "A Serbian Film." Now you're done. You're welcome.
In fact, that is my proposed cure to the "porno acclimation" problem - you know, where you need nastier and nastier spank material? Just skip some steps and go straight to "A Serbian Film." Now you're done. You're welcome.
58
OMG! What's with the creepy little girl with her hair covering her face?
OMG! What's With The Creepy Little Girl With Her Hair Covering Her Face?
OMG! WHAT'S WITH THE CREEPY LITTLE GIRL WITH HER HAIR COVERING HER FACE?!?
OMG! What's With The Creepy Little Girl With Her Hair Covering Her Face?
OMG! WHAT'S WITH THE CREEPY LITTLE GIRL WITH HER HAIR COVERING HER FACE?!?
59
Personally, the chick playing the mom looks kind of hot in a "can't touch this but when the spring is sprung you know she's wicked crazy in the sack" sort of way
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