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very bad homo 1
"Women of low caliber", says this total prize stud.
Posted by very bad homo on October 8, 2012 at 1:09 PM · Report this
This makes me wonder. Of course lots of guys are more attracted to very, very beautiful women than they are to average looking women, and this would include guys of all different appearances. But what's a guy to do? What if he knows that it's sexist/not fair/etc. etc. to only like seven-through-tens but hey, that's all he likes? We all know we're not SUPPOSED to think that beautiful people are better than others, but most of us do.

He could date one-through-sixes anyway (if he's one-through-six himself, there will only be rare opportunities to do otherwise) and wait to see if they grow on him. People tend to seem more attractive the longer one knows them, but this takes a while, longer than the three-dates-until-sex custom that's around these days.

He could work his mutable traits (charm, education, wealth) until he can attract partners at that level... This is really stumping me past that, though.
Posted by DRF on October 8, 2012 at 1:48 PM · Report this
You nailed it, DRF - those are the options. Tends to apply to women as well as men, believe it or not.
Posted by misspiggy on October 8, 2012 at 2:06 PM · Report this
As Ted Nugent sang it before he became a Republican, "When in doubt, I whip it out."
Posted by Alec on October 8, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
"Women of low caliber", WTF? Is he talking about female guns?
Posted by Schweighsr on October 8, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
singing cynic 6
@DRF - in my experience, attraction is WAY more chemical than anything else. When I was single, I never had a "type" because the people that turned me on did so because of something intangible - pharemones or energy or who knows what. I find that a lot of people fixated on the numeric hotness rating system are really in their heads when it comes to sex and picking a partner, and tend to be more concerned with how their arm candy makes them appear socially than who they will actually have good sex with. I have had TERRIBLE sex with super-hot men who I didn't feel a real spark of attraction to simply because they were so good looking that I figured I'd be dumb not to... but before long I figured out that was a mistake. You've got to listen to your inner sexual divining rod.
Posted by singing cynic on October 8, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
The short answer to DRF's rumination:

If you only want to date "7-10's" make sure you're a "7-10" yourself. Like men, women know that maybe it's "sexist/not fair/etc." to only like 7-10s, but hey, what's a girl with decent taste to do? You can't just take something without offering something in return, so focus on improving what you have to offer.

Oh, and if the "7-10's" you're seeking end up treating you like crap (because they have tons of guys after them so they often can get away with treating their dates like shit), don't go and complain to your "unattractive" female friends about it. They won't want to hear all about how some "hot" girl treated you poorly even though you're such a nice, unpretentious, accepting guy.
Posted by Colifornian on October 8, 2012 at 2:15 PM · Report this
Mittens Schrodinger 9
WTF? "Women of low caliber"? To what is the "caliber" referring to? That they are unattractive? Or slutty because they will sleep with someone as horrible as he thinks himself to be? Either way, dude has some serious self-esteem and misogyny issues to address.
Posted by Mittens Schrodinger on October 8, 2012 at 2:18 PM · Report this
ScrawnyKayaker 10
Low caliber? Like, skinny women with a high muzzle velocity? Sounds good to me!
Posted by ScrawnyKayaker on October 8, 2012 at 2:20 PM · Report this
SensibleLesbian 11
DRF: I can't begin to write all of the things wrong with what you just said. So I'll keep it short. Trying to help out your fellow bro by applying a numbering system to the beauty of women is one fucking horrifying and two is not going to help him become more comfortable with women.

Rating women on some arbitrary scale is degrading. It's not up to you to tell me how beautiful I am.

SOB you need to get out in the real world and just talk to people. Join a gym like Dan suggested. Join clubs in your community. And never assume you are going to get laid within the first three dates...
Posted by SensibleLesbian on October 8, 2012 at 2:21 PM · Report this
DRF: as you know, attraction is more than just the physical appearance at first glance. Attraction can grow as you get to know and appreciate the person. It seems to me that the whole rating system hinges on that first assessment.

So, think about what specific traits (physical and otherwise) you really find attractive, and which ones are dealbreakers. Then above all, keep more of an open mind. It'd be mean to date girls, sleep with them, lead them on and then dump them for not being a ten, but if you are clear about keeping the hanging out lighthearted to see where it goes? Maybe you will realize that the girl you rated a six is actually way hot now that you take into consideration her whole person.

Wow. That came out way cheesier than I wanted. Shorter version: Attraction is more than a first glance, and if you hold everyone you meet up to some Victoria's Secret ideal, then maybe you really should be Forever Alone.
Posted by daisy on October 8, 2012 at 2:22 PM · Report this
Why solely focus on the physical ? This guy obviously has serious emotional problems ... why can't society as a whole start to see that it is ok to talk about emotions & how they originate in our childhoods .. that is this guy's only way out ... also notice how he hasn't even considered that if he found The One she might not mind working with him .. nice & easy because they'd be in Love ... the casual nature towards casual sex is also a problem here
Posted by rev477 on October 8, 2012 at 2:23 PM · Report this
I have a lot of very attractive single female friends who would look past not just obesity but gross physical deformity if they met a man who was not a dick and was a genuine and caring person. That's a pretty low bar, SOB, but you seem to be a dick, so look at this situation as a challenge you might never overcome.
Posted by Ivan on October 8, 2012 at 2:24 PM · Report this
So he doesn't like women pointing a .22 at him? Maybe he'd prefer Clint, his empty chair, and his .44.
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on October 8, 2012 at 2:28 PM · Report this
addiemonroe 16
DRF: Well, ultimately the goal would be for the guy to find a 7-to-10 who thinks his particular look is also a 7-to-10. Chubby-chasers, girls who like hairy guys, or whatever, they're all out there. But it does take patience to find them, and possibly some thick skin since, surprisingly, not everyone is nice to everyone else. ("Low caliber"? C'mon.)

Thus the downside of the numerical rating score: does not really address that what *I* think is a 10 is not necessarily what *you* think is a 10. :)
Posted by addiemonroe on October 8, 2012 at 2:32 PM · Report this
kittenkarlyle 18
Nailed it, Dan!

I am a sex worker, and I definitely make it my priority to assist clients with confidence, and any misgivings or problems with sexuality. I am sex-positive and try to spread that positivity to as many individuals as I can. Due to the letter writers age, I am going to make a guess that he can probably only afford lower to mid-ranged priced companions. Girls in this business tend to price their work differently depending on the type of work they want to do, and so not as a value judgment but rather as a business perspective I would guess that a lot of the women he is seeing are seeing many clients a day/ week. That can tend to give more of a rushed or clinical feeling to the sessions, and perhaps give him the impression that they are not their to assist him with any of the issues he's having.

If he is interested in pursuing the route of hiring a professional who wants to offer support and assistance with his confidence and sexual issues, he should try looking up sexual surrogates or saving up and splurging on a companion who charges more and offers longer sessions. SOB can feel free to look me up if he lives in the Denver area ;)
Posted by kittenkarlyle on October 8, 2012 at 2:49 PM · Report this
@16 has some good points for sure. However, the fact remains that if we're just talking NSA sex here, a chubby straight guy looking to hook up with a girl who is a traditional 10 is going to have a tougher time than almost any other demographic.

There are plenty of 10 guys who would love to hook up with a chubby chick. Check out Craigslist...muscular, attractive, young dudes who would be happy to hook up with a 50 yr old chubby woman. The relative unavailability of NSA sex with any woman increases the ability for women to be choosier. And yes, the more traditionally attractive a woman is, the higher she can raise her standards to include career success, money, etc.

As a chubby gay dude I can say I've hooked up with guys that would be considered way out of my league. There is just not the same female chaser community there that exists among gay guys though.

So yeah, chubby straight girls, chubby lesbians, chubby gay guys looking to hook up with a fit individual all have a lot better chance than straight chub guys. Dan is right: going to the gym is this guy's best option. In the mean time, personality, impeccable grooming and dressing well for your body will help too.
Posted by PoliGeek on October 8, 2012 at 3:00 PM · Report this
chaseacross 20
It's not entitled to want to have a healthy sex life, but it's definitely entitled to say "I'm only interested in hot chicks, but I'm not willing to make the same sacrifices to be physically attractive that the women I find attractive are." There's a really ugly streak of misogyny evident in this letter.

That said, it sucks being the introverted chubby dude. It does, and there aren't many consolation prizes (I think I speak for a lot of men when I say I'd trade my straight male privilege for lookist privilege any day of the week). Spend time at the gym (recognizing that your health is probably going to improve a lot more than your appearance), find a hetero-social hobby (kickball, dancing, whatever), and try to develop a steady relationship. Find meaning and self-esteem somewhere besides your black book. Not everyone gets to be a party to hook-up culture just like not everyone gets to play college football. Yeah, it's unfair, it hurts, but there's no accounting for it. To paraphrase James Baldwin: Maturity is giving up, without bitterness or self-pity, one set of goals for another.
Posted by chaseacross on October 8, 2012 at 3:01 PM · Report this
I don't think there's anything wrong with being only attracted to women that you consider to be 7-10s. I think most of the problem is in him assuming anyone he's attracted to automatically wouldn't consider dating him.
These are the options as I see them:
1)Get in better shape and work on your rapport. I find that pick-up artist stuff can actually help you, just by seeing that it's not about looks but confidence and by just being bloody interesting to talk to instead of incredibly self-conscious.
2)Accept yourself as you are and look for women that you have a mutual attraction with. It isn't easy to like yourself after a lifetime of self-deprecation, but it's worth the effort.
3)Start saving up for the sexbots that will be eventually available.
Posted by niko4ever on October 8, 2012 at 3:36 PM · Report this
@ 18

What keeps you up at night?: exestential ennui
What song or movie makes you cry?: Star Wars Episode III
What movie can you recite verbatim?: The Princess Bride

well that does it, i'm straight now.
Posted by enoch on October 8, 2012 at 3:48 PM · Report this
Average to unattractive guys (and perhaps women, too) have such easy access to the 7s to 10s in porn now .. it makes me wonder wonder if real-time humanity looks dismal and unappealing, in comparison. Maybe the guy should have turned off the porn and cut out the wanking to discover whether an average-to-unattractive guy like him might better perform with the dating prospects he might reasonably expect.
Posted by Exeterite on October 8, 2012 at 4:30 PM · Report this
Dude I am writing this as I am you to a tee. Except I am 38 years old. Let me try to give you a bit of advice...but keep in mind I am still dealing with these same issues. Total lifestyle transformation is a very rare thing, so maybe it's a cautionary tale. Some good advice posted here, and tons of judgmental fools who have no clue what the fuck they are talking about so let's get to it.

- Losing the weight is key. Especially since you are in your 20s. No chick in her 20s wants a fat dude unless she can't get laid otherwise. Women are just like men. Always exceptions, but the vast majority won't. You resolve this, you take care of a good 90% of your problem. Damn near impossible, I know. But it is possible. Check out the online resources out there. Check out the success stories on

- I'm torn on your trolling for skanks. I honestly don't think stopping would necessarily improve anything about your situation. I did the same thing at your age (phone chat lines and S&M websites were where I met them). I had a lot of funky sexual adventures that I look back pretty fondly on. Stopping this will not miraculously change your opinion of women, and let's face it, plenty of hot women like user jerks so this is really secondary for you to work on. USE PROTECTION!

- The high end hooker thing. Yeah, I would recommend this...but I pretty much would recommend this for any guy just for the thrill of it. In all honesty, it will solve very little with you. It will open your eyes to the much better service of high end girls, but when you're dropping $500 on a sexy 2hr session with a total babe, you'll find yourself wanting more. Immediately. I will say that when I was having a hot session with a more upscale lady, I was sometimes able to maintain an erection during intercourse. Even if I didn't cum, it was a reminder that all was not lost. is your friend. If they are not up there, don't waste your time or money.

- Eventually things do get better. You live life, become more interesting as a person because you live and learn. If you turn out like me (which I advise against, go lose weight), one day you will go from hard-up to suddenly having attractive women interested in you. It's not just because you are more interesting and more sure of yourself...women have also relaxed their criteria. They are more in tune with their sexuality and want to be fucked wildly. Divorcees and 40-somethings are brilliant and amazing in bed. In fact, look them up now as a young buck.

- All of this is crap advice, but the one thing I can say about the erection thing. Be honest. When it comes time to fuck someone you actually give a shit about, and she asks you for it, just sheepishly grin, tell her you have a hard time getting hard, and eat that fucking pussy like there was no tomorrow. I learned this lesson the hard way. Every time I tried to play it cool, it turned into a massive fail and these women didn't want anything to do with me anymore. However, the last time I was in this situation, I did the honesty followed by devouring thing, and we are still together having all the bizarro kinky sex I learned from years of dipping into the low caliber bucket.

Hang in there brother. You are not alone.

Posted by yankpunt on October 8, 2012 at 5:33 PM · Report this
Oh, trust me, as hard as it is to be a chubby introverted guy, it's 10 times worse to be a chubby introverted girl. I have never been approached or hit on in my 27 years of life, and any time I've done the approaching, I've gotten this same response: a guy will sleep with me, but will consider me "below his caliber."

At least girls don't sleep with guys they find physically abhorrant (excluding gold diggers, of course.)
Posted by Martychan on October 8, 2012 at 6:23 PM · Report this
Man, I was you....and to a certain degree still am. I'm 38 and you described me to a tee when I was 27. There are no magic formulas and total fixes but here is my advice.

- Losing weight will solve 90% of your problems. In order to lose weight, you need to revamp your lifestyle and exercise more discipline that will inherently change your mind as well as your body. It's hard as hell, but possible. Check out for community, info, success stories, etc.

- Keep trolling for skanks if you want, but if you really are on a diet and exercise plan, you'll find that the need for jacking off in some barfly's face at 3AM is not as strong as it once was. Believe me, I did the same as you with the low caliber women. Phone chat lines and S&M websites was where I got them. Dan pretty much hit the nail on the head about the self loathing element, but I have to admit, I had fun.

- High end hookers? Well they are nice, but expensive. Yeah go for it if you want to have fun, but don't think it will be the key to your salvation. While there are plenty of great, fun ladies who will rock your world like a pornstar, there is not one that will not hesitate to milk you dry of all your cash. It's a business after all. Losing weight, not banging hookers, will get you out of this.

- When with someone you give a shit about, be honest about your dick. When it comes time for intercourse, and she asks you to fuck her, say "I have a problem getting hard", then eat that pussy until there is no tomorrow. Some women may dump you the next morning, but some may not. I found one that did not, and working around this issue of mine is more of a mutual pleasure than a burden.

- Your fat is part of your dick problem, but practice is another. What you need is consistent pussy so you can get back in the groove. I say this because for a long time I thought I was "broken" either physically or mentally. You're not. Once you have found a repeat partner, it will start coming back to you.

- Just hang in there. Not everyone is destined to be fuck stallions. If you're like I was, your batting record will improve with age. Women in their 30s and 40s are vastly better in bed than women in their 20s, and they much more accepting of a less than perfect package.

Hang in there brother. I feel your pain. You're not alone.
Posted by yankpunt on October 8, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Pridge Wessea 29
@19 - You are so right my man. In fact, this is one of the reasons I'm glad I'm a gay man and not a straight one. It's amazing to me the number of 9s and 10s I've enjoyed even though I'm big, including my partner of five years (who is an 11).
Posted by Pridge Wessea on October 8, 2012 at 7:14 PM · Report this
@20, it's not misogyny. Guys are visual creatures. They want what they like and it has to look good - whatever their preference. If you think it's bad for women, try being a gay guy. Nothing to do with women, that's how guys gay and straight are built.
Posted by JJinAus on October 8, 2012 at 7:23 PM · Report this
@13 I agree. I think this guy's problem is mostly social, not physical. He needs to make some friends, especially female friends, and be less awkward. Maybe stop hating himself. Even ugly guys can get an attractive girlfriend if they have the right social skills.
Posted by TheLastComment on October 8, 2012 at 8:23 PM · Report this
I think the key is maturity. Realizing that no one stays young and beautiful forever and that the others things a partner can bring to the table like loyalty, honesty, and being able to make your laugh on a bad day, can be just as important and attractive as a firm tits or tight abs.
Posted by msanonymous on October 8, 2012 at 8:59 PM · Report this
This is a classic "stop focusing on getting your XX-year-old self laid, and start focusing on getting your XX+5-year-old self laid" question. Get your 31-year-old self laid by becoming a caring, supportive partner. Do the therapy, both mental and physical needed, and be kind to yourself.
Posted by lepome on October 9, 2012 at 10:35 AM · Report this
@11 I used the number system as shorthand so that I would have to write "extremely traditionally/conventionally attractive people" out five times. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out the disconnect and tension that modern attitudes about sex and sexism can create. And I'm a chick.

@7 Good point, but that only works on men. Most men can go to a gym and get hotter, where increased muscle mass is assumed to contribute to male hotness. What makes women conventionally hot is being young and flawless. That requires surgery.

@25 I read a study that showed that people's idea of beauty, their ideal face, is the average of every face they've seen in their lives. In modern times, the actors and actresses on TV would make up a disproportionate part of that. It's my hypothesis that mass entertainment and the Internet have skewed our perception of beauty far to the extreme.
Posted by DRF on October 9, 2012 at 2:29 PM · Report this
The Beatles 38
Dammit, now I have the Motels' song "Only The Lonely" stuck in my head, now associated with thoughts of this fat douchebag and his hookers.
Posted by The Beatles on October 9, 2012 at 6:30 PM · Report this
smajor82 39
@SensibleLesbian - get over yourself. He wasn't rating YOU. And it's not an arbitrary scale. It's based on the preferences of the person assigning the numbers. I think the jack-wad from Jersey shore with the abs is a 5 at best - a friend of mine likes muscles and douche-bags and gives him a 9.

If you're single and faced with a list of prospects, the natural thing to do is to decide who you like best, second-best, etc. It's about the preferences of the single person. Sounds like you think that what other people think about you is about you and not them. You should cut that shit out. If someone thinks I'm a 4, I could give 2 shits - in the words of The Dude: "That's just, like, [their] opinion, man."

@DRF - This is why I'm glad not to be single any more.
Posted by smajor82 on October 10, 2012 at 7:36 AM · Report this
interesting.... i have a full dance card a lot of the time, constantly get hit on, and people often tell me how 'hot' i am.... so the judgements shouldn't hurt me any, but i think this stuff sucks. it's totally insulting to tell someone that you want to have sex with them just cos you think they're pretty, or that it's the primary determinant.
these days i don't sleep with anyone unless i'm sure it's not about appearances. or biological sex, either, fuckit. or any other arbitrary dehumanising bullshit. if they're not into me 'as a person' - complicated, conflicted, and all that it is - they can fuck off.
Posted by sappho on October 10, 2012 at 3:17 PM · Report this

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