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1
Bravo!
Posted by Up all night on October 16, 2012 at 8:51 AM · Report this
ScienceNerd 2
Beautifully written. :)

I like to tell people that the irony of my life is that I began treating people like Jesus taught after I became an atheist.
Posted by ScienceNerd http://stanichium.tumblr.com/ on October 16, 2012 at 8:52 AM · Report this
mkyorai 3
This has markedly improved my day.
Posted by mkyorai on October 16, 2012 at 8:56 AM · Report this
4
Hey, don't send douchebags like this to the pagans. Come on Dan! We don't want them either!
Posted by tangwystel on October 16, 2012 at 9:00 AM · Report this
5
"I can't believe Jesus just called me a dick."

That's one of my favorite lines from BoM... Your new script brightened my morning -- thanks!
Posted by EricaP on October 16, 2012 at 9:04 AM · Report this
Sir Vic 6
I think I read this in a Woody Allen book a long time ago.
Posted by Sir Vic on October 16, 2012 at 9:05 AM · Report this
7
Book of Mormon!!
Posted by shinydirt on October 16, 2012 at 9:06 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 8
Jesus should just give him the quarters. Wait, does Jesus have pockets?
Posted by Pope Peabrain on October 16, 2012 at 9:06 AM · Report this
SchmuckyTheCat 9
Needs to be a musical.
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on October 16, 2012 at 9:08 AM · Report this
10
My favorite Slog post in a very long time.
Posted by I Got Nuthin' on October 16, 2012 at 9:11 AM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 11
The Obama admin really needs to get this sort of message out there... that it's good and decent to help each other out. Those who can afford a fast food sandwich can afford to help out their fellow citizens. And in turn, they'll be helped as well.

Why is that such a bitter fucking pill for conservatives to swallow? Helping others?

Also, Thor would smite that prick Labarbera dead in about two seconds.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on October 16, 2012 at 9:12 AM · Report this
Keister Button 12
Jimmy John's did not mind offering sandwiches for $1 each last week: why should employee health care be considered such a burden?
Posted by Keister Button on October 16, 2012 at 9:14 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 13
Someone give this man a Tony!
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on October 16, 2012 at 9:15 AM · Report this
14
Jimmy John Liataud is an ass. He built his sandwich empire in Illinois and when taxes where recently raised--he has stated that he wants to move to Florida. Of course, use what you can and run when asked to pay up.
Posted by HomeChicago on October 16, 2012 at 9:15 AM · Report this
DOUG. 15
This play is based upon a dubious premise: that a sandwich would cost more thanks to Obamacare.
Posted by DOUG. http://www.dougsvotersguide.com on October 16, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report this
16
When will the Lego version of this play come out?
Posted by Sterno on October 16, 2012 at 9:28 AM · Report this
17
Modern Christianity is about as close to worshipping Thor as it is to honoring what Jesus actually preached.

And @15: exactly.
Posted by MR M on October 16, 2012 at 9:29 AM · Report this
Supreme Ruler Of The Universe 18

Yes, definitely push this whole script out into a modern recasting of "Godspell".
Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe http://www.you-read-it-here-first.com on October 16, 2012 at 9:41 AM · Report this
19
Like Papa Johns, I'm very glad when CEOs are outspoken to rile up their partisan base.
Posted by never eating there again on October 16, 2012 at 9:42 AM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 20
I so want to play the Harlot part in this play. OH PLEASE pick me!
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on October 16, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report this
ArtBasketSara 21
Uh, Jesus wouldn't be sitting around a garden AFTER he was crucified. Unless it was right after His big reveal and before the ascension (Season Premiere, Year 1 AD)... Also; In the extended scroll version He totally lent John the extra 50 cents, wtf?
Posted by ArtBasketSara on October 16, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report this
22
The Jimmy John's monthly newsletter has been filled regularly with anti-Obama propaganda for years. Jimmy apparently thinks he shouldn't have to pay for his employees to have health care so he can afford more trips to Africa to kill animals. Good for him.

He also has a full sized Jimmy Johns store inside of his house. Gotta pay for that somehow, right?
Posted by Solar System on October 16, 2012 at 9:45 AM · Report this
23
Jimmy Johns, Papa Johns, Chick-Fil-A - it's true, terrible politics do coincide with terrible fucking food.
Posted by johnjjeeves on October 16, 2012 at 9:49 AM · Report this
kim in portland 24
Thank you for the laugh, Dan.
Posted by kim in portland http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2010/11/fast-paced_video_provides_a_fu.html on October 16, 2012 at 9:53 AM · Report this
rob! 25
LaBarbera is Liautauded.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on October 16, 2012 at 10:38 AM · Report this
Rob in Baltimore 26
I see it more as a Jack Chick tract, you know those cheesy "Christian" comic book pamphlets?

Here are some parodies.

http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/archive.h…
Posted by Rob in Baltimore http://www.wishbookweb.com/ on October 16, 2012 at 10:50 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 27
If you are not willing to pay an extra 50 cents per sandwich so that thousands of people who work low paying, shitty jobs can have basic health insurance, you are a horrible person. Full stop.

Not to mention it is a canard anyway.
Posted by Theodore Gorath on October 16, 2012 at 11:34 AM · Report this
rob! 28
@14, that criticism has been exquisitely tweaked:
...Jimmy John’s grew by attaching itself to the Illinois public university system, which, of course, is funded by taxes paid to the state of Illinois. That explains why Liautaud has six restaurants and a corporate headquarters in Champaign.

If Jimmy John’s had started as an off-campus offshoot of a private college, such as Knox, or Olivet Nazarene, he’d have more credibility as an anti-government crusader. But those little schools wouldn’t have delivered the customer base that Jimmy John’s needed to thrive. There are some big projects the government still does best. Like creating large communities of young people who help young entrepreneurs get rich.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on October 16, 2012 at 11:37 AM · Report this
29
As a Christian, I think this is spot on. And I'm not so sure Jesus wouldn't use language like that if he got angry enough.
Posted by Rubykay on October 16, 2012 at 12:36 PM · Report this
30
Damn. I wish Christians actually had to deal with that guy on an everyday basis.

(I wonder if I could get the local franchise for the Temple of Thor?)
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on October 16, 2012 at 12:45 PM · Report this
tomsj 31
I tried to follow The Peter on Twitter a while back, but the sheer depths of his stupidity was almost as miraculous as immaculate conception. It was just too depressing, so I gave up.
Posted by tomsj on October 16, 2012 at 12:46 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 32
Thanks, Dan! Made my (otherwise gloomy) day!
Posted by OutInBumF on October 16, 2012 at 1:09 PM · Report this
33
"Jimmy Johns, Papa Johns, Chick-Fil-A - it's true, terrible politics do coincide with terrible fucking food. "

Jimmy Johns is indeed bad.

Papa Johns is merely mediocre. They at least have a few novelty pizzas that no one else does.

Chick fil a is genuinely good and well run, just a pity that it's own by aholes.
Posted by ryanmm on October 16, 2012 at 2:12 PM · Report this
34
And Thor is all like, "What do I want with a worshipper who can't even BRING THOR THOR'S CHIPS?!"
Posted by DRF on October 16, 2012 at 2:14 PM · Report this
35
Yes, I remember that part in scripture. The part where Jesus explained that it was the duty of Christians to elect officials who would force everyone to take care of their neighbors! At least then they don't need to worry about actually choosing to do the right thing on their own!
Posted by chucklingabit on October 16, 2012 at 3:17 PM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 36
Well played. If your new book is half as funny as this, I'll be in line as soon as it hits the local bookstores.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on October 16, 2012 at 4:42 PM · Report this
37
I like the ending.

Stop pretending to be Christian, you pretentious tool.
Posted by gromm on October 16, 2012 at 4:44 PM · Report this
venomlash 38
@35: What about the part where Jesus tells people that one's religious duty and civic duty should be disjoint? Yanno, render unto blah blah blah?
Posted by venomlash on October 16, 2012 at 5:44 PM · Report this
39
@15:

No, he didn't say that Obamacare will cost *you* $0.50 a sandwich, he said it will cost *him* $0.50 a sandwich.

And that's an exact quote. Now you see why he rages against health care reform.
Posted by gromm on October 16, 2012 at 7:00 PM · Report this
40
This is actually a good paraphrase of the message in Matthew 18: 21-35, the parable of the unforgiving servant. Way to know your Bible, Dan!
Posted by Pablo Picasso on October 16, 2012 at 8:56 PM · Report this
41
I tell you what... I've been a good Jimmy John's customer over the years. This shit makes me think maybe they don't need my money. Which sucks, because I tip the progressive lefty bike delivery guy handsomely since he has to deliver to a mental health residence.
Posted by MinnySota on October 17, 2012 at 2:02 PM · Report this
42
Scene 2: The Thor worshippers get pissed at Peter too and tell him to get lost. Thor stood / stands for many things, but he doesn't generally approve of people being assholes.
Posted by Thexalon on October 18, 2012 at 2:49 PM · Report this
43
@42: Thor most certainly approves of people being assholes (a lot of the time he is one himself) as long as he's allowed to hit them with Mjölnir when their asshole-ness upsets him.
Posted by Friendstastegood on October 19, 2012 at 11:18 AM · Report this
44
As a Norse Heathen and worshipper of Thor. I'm going to take a wild guess and say our pantheon doesn't want this guy, either
Posted by HildeTyrsdottir on October 19, 2012 at 1:49 PM · Report this
the idiot formerly known as kk 45
A once a month Jimmy Johns customer here. Never again.

And chucklingabit@35: "The part where Jesus explained that it was the duty of Christians to elect officials who would force everyone to take care of their neighbors!" Guess what, you asshole. This "Christian" nation, and especially the Bible belt, and most especially the buckle on the Bible belt, doesn't give a fuck about its neighbors. That's why we need Medicaid and Medicare and the Voting Rights Act and Obamacare. Because those self-righteous, bigoted shitheads didn't and don't give a god-damn about their neighbors. Show me a county with a lot of churches, and I'll show you a county with a shitload of poverty and misery.

Now maybe you'd like to point me to a Jesus-loving part of the country (hell, any Jesus-loving part of the WORLD) where there's actually LESS poverty and misery. I'd like to see that.
Posted by the idiot formerly known as kk on October 19, 2012 at 11:51 PM · Report this
thecheesegirl 46
@45: Truth. In response to your challenge, I first thought of Italy, which is reasonably nice, and has better government safety nets for its people than the US (unsustainable though they may be in its current economic state), but compared to, say, Norway? No contest.
Posted by thecheesegirl on October 22, 2012 at 12:22 AM · Report this

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