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Rotten666 2
Firemen are violent homophobes?
Posted by Rotten666 on November 14, 2012 at 12:14 PM · Report this
I don't have any shame or self-loathing about my own personal humiliating fetish, but boy does the desire fade away after an orgasm; like turning off a lightswitch! It's just very distasteful to me after the fact. So maybe a big chunk of his mindset-switching would occur EVEN IF he were actually prety comfortable and confident with the idea.
Posted by Tiptoes on November 14, 2012 at 12:38 PM · Report this
When you try to talk to him about it outside of sex, you are potentially turning it from fantasy to reality. It's not like if he mentions it in the context of hot pillow talk while he's in the middle of banging you, you are going to hop out of bed, open the closet door, bring out another guy and kick him off the mattress. You start bringing it up at lunch one day, he is going to get the idea that you are ACTUALLY planning on cheating on him and rubbing his nose in it.

You do get that there is a difference between fantasy and real life? And that what is hot to imagine may indeed be emotionally devastating to live through?
Posted by avast2006 on November 14, 2012 at 12:49 PM · Report this
horatiocain 5
@2 they dislike anything flaming
Posted by horatiocain on November 14, 2012 at 1:28 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 6
thanks for that, @5
Posted by mr. herriman on November 14, 2012 at 1:49 PM · Report this
secretagent 7
What is confusing? FANTASY. Where you imagine stuff that turns you on that isn't actually going to happen. I really don't want to be called a slut in real life, and there's nothing to really discuss about it.

If you don't want to do it, which seems clear from your "I thought he understood I don't want additional male partners" statement, and he has made clear that he finds it "gut-wrenching" to talk about and doesn't want to do it in real life, why do you insist? What exactly do you want to discuss about this?

One of the best thing about (most) men is that you don't have to talk about everything, and there doesn't need to be a reason behind everything. It turns him on. Rad. Dirty talk is awesome.
Posted by secretagent on November 14, 2012 at 2:20 PM · Report this
nocutename 8
I think #4 (avast2006) has it.
If you're in this situation the contradictions and mixed messages can be confusing, especially if you would like to act on the desire that gets confessed when someone is aroused.

I once had a boyfriend who was fairly insecure and jealous, but whose favorite fantasy to explore through *talk* during sex was the "hot wife" kind (like cuckolding, but without the shame or humiliation-of-the-primary-male factor. I would have loved to have been able to participate in a "center of attention" threesome or to have sex with someone else while my bf watched or to have sex with someone else and come back and tell my bf all about it and turn him on.

But given how uncomfortable he found the idea of sharing me with someone else when he wasn't aroused, I realized it was best to limit "hot wife" scenarios to being the stuff of verbal play.

Posted by nocutename on November 14, 2012 at 2:21 PM · Report this
> A cuckold fantasy, on the other hand, is more complicated. Not only does the wannabe cuckold have to talk his partner into it, he also has to find a willing third.

Not really. As avast suggests, it should stay at the level of fantasy until the guy is able to advocate for it when he's not feeling horny.

But it's pretty easy to talk through the fantasy. If you think he might really worry about your activities, then tell him ahead of time that it's just fantasy. And give him a safeword to say (such as "safeword" or just "stop!" in case you accidentally say something which makes him feel icky instead of aroused.) Then when you're having sex (by phone or otherwise) tell him all about your escapades with the cable guy or the cute fellow who sits behind you in class. No messy third parties with feelings to consider; just your imagination and your partner's very hard cock.
Posted by EricaP on November 14, 2012 at 2:29 PM · Report this
@4: I don't blame her for being weirded out that he won't talk about it at all when he's not horny. It doesn't even sound like they've had enough of a conversation for him to even say "Look, I like it in my head but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it if it really happened." If he can't even say that, I'd be pretty irritated, too. Just change this into another fetish: he keeps talking about getting his ass whipped during sex, and then won't talk about it when she brings it up. Maybe she wants to whip his ass and is frustrated by the fact that he's teasing her by talking about it without being able to talk about whether it'll be a reality or not. Or maybe she really doesn't want to whip his ass, and wants reassurance that it's never going to happen. Either way, she deserves an answer out of him. Maybe he's just too chicken to say that he actually DOES want to be cuckolded. Maybe it's just fantasy. Either way, I think she deserves to have him tell her when he's not horny.
Posted by alguna_rubia on November 15, 2012 at 12:09 AM · Report this
I learned something from reading this. Not that I hadn't thought about it before, but this discussion just made it click in a new way.
Posted by Prettybetsy on November 15, 2012 at 7:11 AM · Report this
Filmmaven 12
Why can't he just want to have this fantasy to get off? So what? It doesn't have to manifest itself and she can play along with verbal cues. He isn't asking her to go meet someone or even check it out on the internet - just to enhance his fantasy during sex.
Posted by Filmmaven on November 15, 2012 at 9:22 AM · Report this
Aurora Erratic 14
"Cuck" is a singularly unpleasant word.
Posted by Aurora Erratic on November 15, 2012 at 12:12 PM · Report this
The answer to this question doesn't seem complete, Dan.

I have similar fantasies about my husband, and he about me. Both of us began the fantisizing because we both had fears of each other cheating. Fantasizing about it, and bringing it into our bedroom, actually made us able to talk about these fears and let us both feel wecould be more honest about our desires outside our marriage, which eventually became a fun little hot game to us.

All of this has deepened our relationship both inside and outside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, we engage in our wildest fantasies (which started out as our wildest fears). Outside the bedroom, we love and trust one another, knowing that if we get turned on by someone else, we can go back into the bedroom and fuck our spouse and pretend whatever we want. Fantasizing about other partners, watching each other with other partners, switching or trading or whatever, helps to both keep things hot in our bedroom, and keeps us both satisfied so we don't go seeking things outside the bedroom.

But here's the end to the story: Having this game between us doesn't mean my husband wants to be a cuckold in real life though, or that I want to watch him fuck another woman in real life. What happens in our bedroom stays in our bedroom. It doesn't mean we're closet cuckolds however.
Posted by soldia on November 15, 2012 at 3:43 PM · Report this
@15, "Here's the end to the story: Having this game between us doesn't mean my husband wants to be a cuckold in real life though, or that I want to watch him fuck another woman in real life."

The end doesn't come when you announce the end -- unlike movies, life doesn't work that way. I'm glad the two of you have reached a happy point in your marriage. But be aware that the only constant in life is change. Five, ten, twenty years from now, things may look different to one or both of you.
Posted by EricaP on November 16, 2012 at 9:26 AM · Report this

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