Savage Love Podcast Comments

 

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Posted by aoeustnh on January 8, 2013 at 4:42 AM · Report this
Indighost 2
I'd just like to say that I was annoyed by how super-smug the 2nd-to-last caller was.
Posted by Indighost on January 8, 2013 at 9:24 AM · Report this
3
I always thought 'morning glory' was the erection (many/most?) men wake up with...?
Posted by Edness on January 8, 2013 at 9:58 AM · Report this
4
My apologies--sometimes it's difficult to know you're being smug until you hear yourself for the first time on your favorite podcast, which is a bit embarrassing...
Posted by mettlesome on January 8, 2013 at 11:44 AM · Report this
5
yea she was a bit much
Posted by brainexplode on January 8, 2013 at 11:56 AM · Report this
6
Pretty much spot-on in your advice to the woman who's boyfriend doesn't make her come. The only thing is, I would emphasize that it's totally possible to be very capable of getting yourself off but still labor under the "look ma, no hands" misconception about how sex is "supposed" to work. This was me for a long time. I was an experienced masturbator and not ashamed of it by the time I had partnered sex for the first time. I was even just fine with showing a guy how I got myself off for his edification. But I still had it in my head that once we were actually having intercourse etc., he wasn't supposed to have ANY help from me in getting me off. Mostly because I worried that if I touched myself a little while it was all going on, it would make the guy insecure. (Which would be a silly thing to indulge anyway, but I was young.)

Thing is, that just doesn't work for me. Like most women, I need clit stimulation during penetration in order to come and, usually, it works better for me if that's a joint effort. I stopped being shy about putting my hand down there during intercourse, and all of sudden, sex got astronomically better for both me and my partners. The worry about making the guy insecure because my orgasms didn't come 100 PER CENT from his own efforts?* Never came true. Every guy that I've been with since I stopped having reservations about doing what it takes and saying what I need finds it really hot as well as refreshing that I'm not shy about prioritizing my own pleasure.

Female orgasms (sometimes male ones too) are often a collaborative effort and that's fine. Instead of thinking in terms of "This guy is going to get me off" I now think in terms of "I am going to get off with this guy." If that means he fucks me while we both touch my clit, great! If that means masturbating while he watches me, that can be fun sometimes too. Oral? Great! Just make sure he knows how you like it. If you take responsibility for your own pleasure and just make sure it happens some how, everyone's happier.

*Just 95 or so...That is, if he's really good and FYI, they can't know what THAT means without a little direction either--learn what positions work best for you, what it feels good for him to do with his dick etc.
More...
Posted by Anonymous for this one on January 8, 2013 at 1:14 PM · Report this
7
OK that's it. I have got to unsubscribe from these podcasts. It's painful to hear these rambling, obvious answers to softball questions.

"My roommate's having sex with a douche who won't use a condom."
"Talk to her about it; go get her a morning-after pill."

"My friend is dating an abusive douche."
"Talk to her about it; butt out if she won't budge."

"I like exhibitionism."
"You'll get arrested if you jerk it in public. Be careful."

I would give these answers. Any sane person would. The bloom's off - I'm tired of listening to regular-joe advice. I wish you had more expertise.
Posted by dchari on January 8, 2013 at 1:47 PM · Report this
8
Thank you for your indulgence, Dan.
Not only was the suggestion of welding bicycle rearview mirrors to a cock ring creative, it was also a well-honed point about reaching. Which I accept as an all-in-good-fun public embarrassment version of a light spanking.
Though yes, I was reaching, and yes, I worded my call in the spirit of exhibitionism and for the benefit of my kinky boyfriend, this is in fact something we are trying to find a solution for. Some other answers we've come up with, and just might try before the mirror-rigged cock ring:

A live video feed.
Demanding that he suffer just a little bit in order to get the eye contact he wants.
Lots of experimentation with different positions.

Since I'm certain you'll be anxiously wondering about our progress, I'll be sure to send you an update. ;)

Thanks again.
Posted by mettlesome on January 8, 2013 at 2:43 PM · Report this
9
Mettlesome, does he really need his cock to be totally engulfed by your mouth in order for the eye contact to have the proper effect? Can't you play with the tip or the underside with your tongue or your lips, put your mouth on his balls, basically do other things that allow you to angle your head so that you can actually look up at him?
Posted by Petticoat Philosopher on January 8, 2013 at 2:51 PM · Report this
10
I wasn't surprised that the woman who wants to screw the brother of her "mama's boy" ex turned out to be a closeted sadist at the end. She should stick with consensual cruelty.
Posted by Alec on January 8, 2013 at 3:59 PM · Report this
11
Petticoat Philosopher, I think that's our aim in the interest of intensifying a he's-in-control power dynamic. The idea is that I can't look away or hide my face, so he is treated to my mixed expressions of suffering and pleasure at the moment when both our excitement levels and my discomfort level is peaking--when he's deep in my throat.

But I appreciate your point, and I think using my eyes while I'm teasing him is something I'll play with more, especially during scenes wherein I'm being more dominant.
Posted by mettlesome on January 8, 2013 at 4:24 PM · Report this
chibby 12
I always thought morning glory was a ivy-like, flowering plant,who knew......
Posted by chibby on January 8, 2013 at 4:57 PM · Report this
chibby 13
I always thought morning glory was an ivy-like, flowering plant,who knew......
Posted by chibby on January 8, 2013 at 4:57 PM · Report this
14
To the guy from the Upper Midwest who's tying himself in knots, worried about whether his new girlfriend is going to dump him, and whose supposed buddies are egging him on....

Remember the chronology. She was fucking the roommate before she put (or responded to) the ad that brought you together. That means that your meeting wasn't an accident -- she was actively looking for someone when she met you. And by extension, that means that she was looking for something the roommate wasn't already providing, and likely couldn't provide.

On the other hand, she introduced you to her family and a whole lot of significant people in her life within the first 10 days of meeting you. That certainly suggests that she's not thinking of you as a temporary fungible cock. (As a point of reference, 20+ years ago, I introduced a woman I'd met a couple of days before to my mom. I've been with her ever since.)

This relationship may fail -- after all, most do. But it is more likely that it will end due to, say, Iran obtaining nuclear weapons than due to her choosing the roommate over you.
Posted by Older Budweiser on January 8, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
15
To the guy from the Upper Midwest who's tying himself in knots, worried about whether his new girlfriend is going to dump him, and whose supposed buddies are egging him on....

Remember the chronology. She was fucking the roommate before she put (or responded to) the ad that brought you together. That means that your meeting wasn't an accident -- she was actively looking for someone when she met you. And by extension, that means that she was looking for something the roommate wasn't already providing, and likely couldn't provide.

On the other hand, she introduced you to her family and a whole lot of significant people in her life within the first 10 days of meeting you. That certainly suggests that she's not thinking of you as a temporary fungible cock. (As a point of reference, 20+ years ago, I introduced a woman I'd met a couple of days before to my mom. I've been with her ever since.)

This relationship may fail -- after all, most do. But it is more likely that it will end due to, say, Iran obtaining nuclear weapons than due to her choosing the roommate over you.
Posted by Older Budweiser on January 8, 2013 at 5:45 PM · Report this
16
One more bit of advice to the couple who wants to fuck in a cementery. Pick up after yourselves afterwards. No one needs to see used condoms on a love one's grave.
Posted by Chris G. on January 8, 2013 at 7:36 PM · Report this
17
OMG. The mirror advice I had to listen to 5 times over because it was so hilarious!
Posted by Anubis'owner on January 8, 2013 at 9:47 PM · Report this
18
The thing that stood out for me was when the woman who hasn't come during sex with her boyfriend said that he "tried a couple of times and FAILED." What the fuck is this, a test? Some kind of wierd test, where you don't get credit for 99% of your work because the one thing is missing? It's like having sex with FUCKING YODA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ4yd2W50…. I would not want to try again if I felt that you were JUDGING MY PERFORMANCE IN THIS MANNER. Also, this woman seems a bit to hung up on coming. What would Dan say to a guy who called complaining that his girlfriend won't come with him? Stop focussing on the orgasm, tone down the pressure, and BOTH ENJOY YOURSELVES. Also, guys know that they ARE NOT GOING TO COME (or even stay hard) if they put pressure on themselves to perform. We need to relax about it or it won't work at all. Naturally, a woman doesn't get the obvious red flag of a limp dick, so maybe she would miss this problem. She needs to make sex about HAVING A GOOD TIME and NOT PASSING SOME FREAKING TEST!

So repeat after me: I will enjoy the OVERALL experience of having sex, WHEREVER it consensually leads.

Also, if you want him to TRY HARDER TO PLEASE YOU, you need to APOLOGIZE for the "fail" remark, talk to him about what you ENJOY, and give him positive feedback about what you enjoy--not criticsm for not knocking the ball out fo the goddam park. "I really like it when you do X..." Not "Doing X should get me off. You must not be doing it right!"
Posted by LML on January 9, 2013 at 6:30 AM · Report this
19
PS--Sorry to have offended any Jedi Master fetishists out there.
Posted by LML on January 9, 2013 at 6:32 AM · Report this
Roadflare 20
@19, to be fair, a lot of young women don't really know their bodies or how to express themselves due to our sex negative culture. A lot of men also tend to give up or not care as much. Since a man orgasms every time he comes and woman have a harder time, it is up to him to not act like a mopey man child about it. She also needs to explain what she wants, but it takes practice and a couple of tries and then giving up is pathetic.
Posted by Roadflare on January 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM · Report this
21
#10, Yeah, I agree. I'm not convinced from her testimony that he is a spineless weakling. Maybe, unlike her, he's simply capable of caring about someone or something besides himself. Surprised Dan wasn't harder on her.
Posted by marmer on January 9, 2013 at 10:28 AM · Report this
22
@20, yes. And also, female masturbation isn't really analogous to PIV. So whatever feels good solo isn't necessarily (or at all) going to be mimicked by actually having intercourse with a man. It takes a while, for HER, too, to figure out how to make it happen if she's one of the 75%. Add to that the general prioritization of male pleasure, and you sometimes get a woman who is embarrassed that she's not coming, thinks she's "broken," and says "oh, it's ok, it still felt good even though I didn't come." And while that last part is probably true, she'd still rather be getting off. In general, I would like for more women to be "hung up on coming," and going after what makes them feel good. I don't know any guys who'd be ok with regularly not coming during sex, except maybe if he has physical issues that prevent it.

@18: was it clear from the call that she used the "fail" word to his face? She did call him a selfish lover, IIRC. Not nice, but what if he is? There are guys who make a half-assed attempt for a couple minutes, get bored or "tired," and give up. Those guys need to be pulled up short or dumped. Or both.

I had an LTR when I was a teen, and we spent tons of time on the phone, and we talked about sex a lot. We had amazing sex when we were together, and I think it helped a lot that we could talk about it NOT in the moment, with a bit of distance. It was almost philosophical, and in that way our egos weren't as involved, but we both knew that we were really learning about each other. It also helped that he was a fantastic guy.
Posted by smidgebean on January 9, 2013 at 3:48 PM · Report this
23
The "morning glory" thing made me chuckle! I'm from England, and here "Morning glory" means the boner a guy has when waking up (not morning sex, as Dan guessed). THere really is no other interpretation of this, so I'm kinda not surprised that company or whoever it was wanted to change the name! Dan, maybe you were a little harsh? Coz it's like saying "I live on Erection Street"...
Posted by Victualia on January 9, 2013 at 3:56 PM · Report this
24
oh and one more thing, spreadsheetguy are you still around? one good test is to just go without a spreadsheet, give it up cold turkey, and see how you go. i'm saying it for your own good, man. i have a friend who does what you do, and guess what, he's single at 50, has tons of dates but never anything longer than a couple of months (his last long relationship was in his 30s), and is getting more miserable by the day. try to exercise some flexibility, because all the rigid things we do just get ingrained more and more as we get older. good luck
Posted by Victualia on January 9, 2013 at 4:33 PM · Report this
25
@23 Yeah, my understanding has always been that "morning glory" is a British slang term for the boner a guy wakes up with. But the thing is, that's not a common expression here in the states. I've never heard an American use it. We tend to say "morning wood" instead. As an American, my first thought when someone says "morning glory" is the flower. So wanting to change "Morning Glory Rd." because it sounds too sexual is like kids giggling every time someone says the phrase "do it," no matter the context. My first thought when I heard about this was to think "WTF, who wants to change it, Beavis and Butthead?" lol. You really need to have sex on the brain. Which we know those Mormons and other conservative Christians do. :-P
Posted by Petticoat Philosopher on January 9, 2013 at 9:59 PM · Report this
26
Mettlesome, you were not smug in the least. A strong personality does not mean smug or annoying but instead demonstrate the traits of a leader. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise . :)
Posted by eternal_moon on January 10, 2013 at 6:30 AM · Report this
27
Third caller's roommate should play her douchey lover this song- http://sexed.bandcamp.com/track/no-glove…
...and then dtmfa.
Posted by earlmonster on January 10, 2013 at 1:31 PM · Report this
28
Eternal Moon-
Wow, kindness is really great. Thank you for your encouragement.
Posted by mettlesome on January 11, 2013 at 12:31 AM · Report this
29
Thank you so much, Petticoat philosopher, for the explanation of morning glory/morning wood and how Americans use / don't use the terms. I love words. And I've never heard of the flower Morning Glory, must check it out (surely it looks phallic, no? ). I understand Dan's harsh comments better now; conservative idiiots eradicating anything sexual, even in the remotest sense, perpetuates a sex-negative culture. Whereas here in England the sexual connotation for morning glory wouldn't be remote, it would be the only possible connotation.

So, thanks for the linguistic leg up! Who says comment threads can't educate you.

Although I do confess I am still one of those kids that smirks (on the inside, mostly) when people say "wood". Even "Norwegian wood". And "doing it". Especially when I haven't had enough sex! ;P
Posted by Victualia on January 11, 2013 at 4:51 AM · Report this
30
But say you're queer and want to have sex in a cemetery. Are you saying, Dan, that it just isn't worth the risk? I get the point you were making about heterosexual privilege, but this doesn't help me! Whatever you advise, I promise not to leave any gloves or dental dams laying around a graveyard. Thanks!
Posted by Seamarine on January 13, 2013 at 7:47 PM · Report this
31
Three points:

- Mettlesome, I thought your description was hot the way you described it. Your bf is lucky.

- Sadist girl who wants revenge: what a nasty person. She wants revenge because they broke up? Dan was too soft on her.

- Sex in cemetery -- disrespectful of the dead. Would you want people f**king on your grandmother's grave? Why are people so selfish they only think of their own needs all the time? Get a room and spare us the nonconsentual sexual encounter.
Posted by observer2013 on January 16, 2013 at 5:21 PM · Report this
Fortunate 32
"Would you want people f**king on your grandmother's grave? Why are people so selfish they only think of their own needs all the time? "

I hereby give official permission to anyone after I die to fuck on my grave. I think that would be fantastic. If I'm dead and can't get laid any longer at least someone nearby would be getting some.

I actually kind of like the idea.
Posted by Fortunate on January 18, 2013 at 9:04 AM · Report this

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