Slog Comments
SL Letter of the Day: Skin-to-Skin Contact
2
I will never understand texting as equating relationship. But then I never understood phone sex either. I'm old.
3
Wow, surprisingly brutal advice here. In a "deceptive profile pic" vs "shallow asshole" conflict I was sure Dan was going to side with the woman here. Or at least say that Shallow Asshole should make it a relatively gentle break.
Also, are there people who don't manipulate their profile pics to look hotter? Light levels, camera angles, just taking it on a good day can make all the difference and don't seem particularly "misleading."
Also, are there people who don't manipulate their profile pics to look hotter? Light levels, camera angles, just taking it on a good day can make all the difference and don't seem particularly "misleading."
4
She's not going to assume the "break-up" is about her looks, Dan. She's going to assume it's because men are pigs and he just texted her for 3 months so he could fuck her then ditch her.
Dude who wrote the letter, TELL HER WHY you are ending it. Make sure she understands it's because you are not happy with her misrepresenting herself. Or try to at least. People can be delusional about these sorts of things sometimes.
Dude who wrote the letter, TELL HER WHY you are ending it. Make sure she understands it's because you are not happy with her misrepresenting herself. Or try to at least. People can be delusional about these sorts of things sometimes.
5
I wonder if her heart really will be all that broken. (After three months? Of texting in high school?) Dude thinks pretty highly of himself.
7
Advice? Put this P.S. on the breakup speech: "I don't know why you didn't just post photos of you on that site. You look pretty nice." (Because she looked at least nice enough for him to still have sex with her.)
One more thing: Before assuming that your date whom you're seeing in person for the first time posted misleading photos on the Internet, make sure that the person you're looking at actually IS supahhot97@hottie.net and not didntpostaphoto@otherperson.com.
One more thing: Before assuming that your date whom you're seeing in person for the first time posted misleading photos on the Internet, make sure that the person you're looking at actually IS supahhot97@hottie.net and not didntpostaphoto@otherperson.com.
8
This is why I don't like picture exchanges and why I don't text/ email with anyone longer than 1 week before meeting in person. Just not worth it.
9
@8: I agree. If I see someone's online profile and they seem intriguing, I want to meet them pretty soon thereafter. Extended talking before meeting someone can give you false expectations of who they are and what they're really like.
10
@3: Manipulating camera angles, lighting, and taking it on a good day are fine. What is not fine is putting up pictures that look nothing like you.
It's not shallow to not want to date someone you're not attracted to. And lying about what you look like is, in itself, not attractive.
It's not shallow to not want to date someone you're not attracted to. And lying about what you look like is, in itself, not attractive.
12
Hmmm. Her photos weren't of someone else, so I'm unclear on exactly what her crime was. Posting pics from a year ago before she put on the pounds? Professionally photoshop'ed with higher cheekbone, no mono-brow, and all the acne magically removed? Or just good lighting and make-up?
I'll grant that she may have done any or all of those things, but it seems unlikely that a young girl who couldn't/didn't make herself presentable for the big in-person reveal would have so buffed her on-line persona.
More likely that a big part of what went down was a horny, hopeful young dude saw what he wanted to see (@11, "Social media is the new beer goggles." How true!).
She posts her best ever photo at her lowest ever weight. He hasn't learned that people look a lot less made up after rolling around in bed but will close his eyes and fuck her. Slightly deceptive. Slightly assholey. A good learning opportunity for each.
I'll grant that she may have done any or all of those things, but it seems unlikely that a young girl who couldn't/didn't make herself presentable for the big in-person reveal would have so buffed her on-line persona.
More likely that a big part of what went down was a horny, hopeful young dude saw what he wanted to see (@11, "Social media is the new beer goggles." How true!).
She posts her best ever photo at her lowest ever weight. He hasn't learned that people look a lot less made up after rolling around in bed but will close his eyes and fuck her. Slightly deceptive. Slightly assholey. A good learning opportunity for each.
13
They have a new show on MTV called Catfish and it deals with this exact issue - getting people together when they have an online relationship. Nearly all of them end the same way - one or both have posted fake pics. Relationships rately work when it's based on lies
14
If you want to break up with someone, though I am not sure you need to after just a weekend of sex, just fucking break up with them.
16
@13 Yeah, but you have to realize the show shows a biased sample. If two people both posted true photos, either lied to the other and both seem reasonably sane, that episode would be boring as hell, so they don't get cast in the first place.
It's why you so often see total nutcases on Judge Judy--because small claims court is dead boring unless you handpick the cases.
It's why you so often see total nutcases on Judge Judy--because small claims court is dead boring unless you handpick the cases.
17
With all the generational change, and new dilemmas created by new media, it's a relief to me that 18-year old guys are still so horny that they stick their dicks places that they regret 5 minutes after shooting.
18
How about you tell her you are going to college shortly and you don't want to be tied down? And that when you talk about her when you are older, and that you will, you will be kind.
19
First off, all's fair in love and war. You venture out to find love and you will be hurt. It is just that way. You will run into people who will fuck you no matter what you look like and then bring up almost-post-mortem "well she fake-advertised" (dude, you weren't fucking a photo.) And you will run into people in this new internet age who false-advertise.
I don't think there's much to see here.
I don't think there's much to see here.
21
@9: Yes, I totally agree. For me, online is a place to exchange emails so you can set up a meeting place/time, basically. The last thing I want to do is get into a months-long email exchange before I meet the person. It's too easy to edit your personality via texting/emailing.
22
Off topic!
Dan, Pat Robertson is now answering letters presumably written to the advice columnist for Maxim. I love this. I want him to provide alternate answers to your letters too, and am hoping you will invite him to do so. Let the best sage win! http://www.salon.com/2013/01/11/pat_robe…]
Dan, Pat Robertson is now answering letters presumably written to the advice columnist for Maxim. I love this. I want him to provide alternate answers to your letters too, and am hoping you will invite him to do so. Let the best sage win! http://www.salon.com/2013/01/11/pat_robe…]
23
This letter was sent to the 700 Club by some kid named "Maxim" - here's a link http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=2d6_13577…
24
Dan, please allow me to make a profound announcement: Guys who are 16-17-18 will fuck anything that will stand still long enough to fuck. It always comes as a surprise to me that this comes as a surprise to anyone.
25
I don't take him at his word when he said the pics didn't look like the real thing. He texted for 3 freaking months with no in-person contact. Something in those pics sparked a fantasy, and that's what he had in his mind's eye while he was emailing and texting. Of course she looked like a real person and not his fantasy material. The guy sounds like a douche with no dating skills, and she's probably too young to know the difference.
28
Very tellingly, LW wrote : "I'm about to start my freshman year in college, and I do not want to be tied down going into school"
The real problem is not the girl's pictures, which as #25 mentioned were probably not deceptive at all.
The problem is that he maintained a "relationship" for 3 months with a girl who, under the asumption that meeting and fucking would seal the deal on a LTR, did accept to meet and fuck . He knew beforehand of her asumption ("it would break her heart") and I bet he never told her that meeting and fucking would, in the best case, upgrade it to a FWB situation, but never to a LTR.
Now that the fucking's done, he suddenly remembers that a LTR was never on the table on his side, and invokes the pictures' inaccuracy to beg Dan on how to drop her without being seen as the POS that he is.
Answer : there's no way not to look like a POS when one behaves as one.
If you don't want to be a POS next time, email your prospective partners from the start that a LTR is not on the table. Don't be a lying manipulative asshole.
The real problem is not the girl's pictures, which as #25 mentioned were probably not deceptive at all.
The problem is that he maintained a "relationship" for 3 months with a girl who, under the asumption that meeting and fucking would seal the deal on a LTR, did accept to meet and fuck . He knew beforehand of her asumption ("it would break her heart") and I bet he never told her that meeting and fucking would, in the best case, upgrade it to a FWB situation, but never to a LTR.
Now that the fucking's done, he suddenly remembers that a LTR was never on the table on his side, and invokes the pictures' inaccuracy to beg Dan on how to drop her without being seen as the POS that he is.
Answer : there's no way not to look like a POS when one behaves as one.
If you don't want to be a POS next time, email your prospective partners from the start that a LTR is not on the table. Don't be a lying manipulative asshole.
29
One solution for this problem--webcam.
Forget about the static images--> webcam, real-time communication.
Forget about the static images--> webcam, real-time communication.
30
Always make a quick coffee meet as soon as possible! Only plan to be there for 20 minutes. IF they won't meet, let it go. If they are from out of state- why the hell are you thinking about dating somebody from out of state?
31
On the one hand, I think, "what a douche".
On the other hand, I can recall a situation in my own youth where I faced a choice of sex or no sex with a woman in a comparable (but not parallel) situation where the choice was really "sex or say `no' which will be the same is kicking a fucking puppy in front of an orphan" and so sex to get past the problem now and discuss it later seemed the least cruel route to take. It was the stupid route to take, but I can recall being placed in an impossible situation by the girl in question but later I was the only one she felt had ANY moral responsibility for the sex that shouldn't have happened.
He should have said no, but I recall my own experience and wonder if demanding that of him was a counsel of perfection: he's not the only person with agency and responsibility here.
On the other hand, I can recall a situation in my own youth where I faced a choice of sex or no sex with a woman in a comparable (but not parallel) situation where the choice was really "sex or say `no' which will be the same is kicking a fucking puppy in front of an orphan" and so sex to get past the problem now and discuss it later seemed the least cruel route to take. It was the stupid route to take, but I can recall being placed in an impossible situation by the girl in question but later I was the only one she felt had ANY moral responsibility for the sex that shouldn't have happened.
He should have said no, but I recall my own experience and wonder if demanding that of him was a counsel of perfection: he's not the only person with agency and responsibility here.
32
@25 Absolutely. I had a similar experience when I was eighteen. The pictures I had sent the guy weren't even especially flattering and in most of them I wasn't wearing makeup. When we met in person, he wanted to fool around, I turned him down for sex, and then suddenly he started whining that my pictures had misrepresented me and I didn't look the way he had expected.
When you're basing your ideas of somebody off of a still photograph and a lot of fantasy, the reality isn't going to match what you're expecting because you're not expecting reality. Meet up in person as soon as possible to avoid the crash of an elaborate fantasy.
When you're basing your ideas of somebody off of a still photograph and a lot of fantasy, the reality isn't going to match what you're expecting because you're not expecting reality. Meet up in person as soon as possible to avoid the crash of an elaborate fantasy.
33
Dude, if you knew all along that you didn't want to be tied down going into college, you shouldn't have been engaging in behavior that amounts to escalating the relationship. (A three month online run-up to a weekend of sex counts as escalating. A weekend of fucking also counts as escalating all by itself. Oxytocin isn't a fairy tale.) Also, the fact that you knew you didn't want to be tied down means that the misleading pictures are a convenient excuse to pin the blame for the breakup on her after the fact, when you knew all along you didn't expect it to go anywhere. (I trust that you aren't about the make the argument that if only her face had matched her photos, everything would be fine, because then you wouldn't be mentioning wanting not to be tied down, you'd just be outraged about her false advertising.) If she is guilty of feeding you false photos, you are equally guilty of leading her down the garden path.
This does not mean that you owe her a relationship. Three months of texting and one weekend of sex is not a commitment. If something isn't going to work out, forcing it isn't going to help.
But she has every reason to be unhappy, even if your hands were completely clean, which they most definitely are not. And pointing an accusing finger at the photos is not going to help your situation at all. It isn't going to make the breakup any easier on her, and it isn't going to justify your case. It might teach her not to do that in the future, but the present situation is just going to have to be what it is. Both of you have things to answer for, and there is no convenient escape hatch.
This does not mean that you owe her a relationship. Three months of texting and one weekend of sex is not a commitment. If something isn't going to work out, forcing it isn't going to help.
But she has every reason to be unhappy, even if your hands were completely clean, which they most definitely are not. And pointing an accusing finger at the photos is not going to help your situation at all. It isn't going to make the breakup any easier on her, and it isn't going to justify your case. It might teach her not to do that in the future, but the present situation is just going to have to be what it is. Both of you have things to answer for, and there is no convenient escape hatch.
35
@24 - No one tells the girls. In retrospect, as one, yes, you are totally right. But when you are still in high school with minimal to no sexual experience, and almost certainly no satisfying sexual experience, living in that stupid beauty/popularity hierarchy that seems to define 100% of your social existence, it's really easy to believe you are unfuckable. Because people will tell you that to your face on a regular basis. And if you are more than 10 pounds overweight, you will hear all about that too.
36
Oh, if only people didn’t suck it in for Facebook … if Aunt Marge hadn’t insisted on family photos from the “good side” of her face … if that psychopath I used to Skype with hadn’t smiled the first time …
Everyone does it … dab a little color to hide a blemish, a wrinkle, a grey hair or three … take ten to twenty snaps before we upload the best for color-smearing by Instagram … hire a cleaning lady (or Mom) to come over the morning before the “one” that might stay over …
Yet … all of us complain when WE’RE the one waking up next to someone a little lower on the bed notch caste system.
Why can’t we admit it? We’re all a little fascist when it comes to fucking. Take a “wahhh!” coupon and get over it. You’ve just been had by nature’s little plot to improve the gene pool.
Everyone does it … dab a little color to hide a blemish, a wrinkle, a grey hair or three … take ten to twenty snaps before we upload the best for color-smearing by Instagram … hire a cleaning lady (or Mom) to come over the morning before the “one” that might stay over …
Yet … all of us complain when WE’RE the one waking up next to someone a little lower on the bed notch caste system.
Why can’t we admit it? We’re all a little fascist when it comes to fucking. Take a “wahhh!” coupon and get over it. You’ve just been had by nature’s little plot to improve the gene pool.
37
@25 and @32 I think that is a key point. Whether someone *looks like their photo* is subjective anyway. I had this happen to me too in the early days of internet popularity. I wasn't stupid just a romantic who didn't realize just how shallow many people are. I was interested in him despite the fact I didn't consider him to be good-looking because I liked (my fantasy version of) his personality. I sent a few old pictures (and told him they were old) because that's all that I had handy and thought nothing of it because looks are not very important to me. He sent a bunch of pictures (and endless video and clippings of his band..... enough already.) They all revealed that he was as average looking as I was, in my opinion.
When we met, it was instantly obvious he had no real interest in me, since I didn't look like the hottie in his mind. He accused me of being false and phoney. I was too nice and non-confrontational to tell him the truth: I didn't think I had to be hot, since he's not. Not to mention I had way more going for me than him in every other area (IMHO).
Looks aside, it sounds like the letter writer misrepresented the nature of his feelings for the girl. Cut her lose quickly and painlessly as possible, so she can find someone who appreciates her. If you have to lie to someone to get them to sleep with you, you're a loser.
When we met, it was instantly obvious he had no real interest in me, since I didn't look like the hottie in his mind. He accused me of being false and phoney. I was too nice and non-confrontational to tell him the truth: I didn't think I had to be hot, since he's not. Not to mention I had way more going for me than him in every other area (IMHO).
Looks aside, it sounds like the letter writer misrepresented the nature of his feelings for the girl. Cut her lose quickly and painlessly as possible, so she can find someone who appreciates her. If you have to lie to someone to get them to sleep with you, you're a loser.
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