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emma's bee 1
Excellent advice, and the links were a nice touch.
Posted by emma's bee on February 12, 2013 at 5:22 PM · Report this
seatackled 2
Oh, honey. You're his booty call. I agree, DTMFA, don't let him sweet talk you into staying together, and one thing better than being alone on Valentine's Day is being alone on Valentine's day and knowing your asshole now-ex-bf has been dumped right before Valentine's Day.
Posted by seatackled on February 12, 2013 at 5:24 PM · Report this

OMG, the only way you're going to find a guy who treats you better and makes you feel happy and loved and valued is to dare to be single. Because right now they're like "Oh she's with inconsiderate asshole guy; where's someone single?"
Posted by IPJ on February 12, 2013 at 5:32 PM · Report this
Sargon Bighorn 4
Sweet heart, "He's just not that into you." MOVE ON.
Posted by Sargon Bighorn on February 12, 2013 at 5:42 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 5
I sometimes think the advice to DTMFA comes too soon. For this young woman, it can't come soon enough. Sweetie, hopefully you're reading this: dump this man. Unceremoniously & immediately. As you get older you'll look back on it, & be proud of yourself.

It is WAS better to be alone, & a sad over a breakup - even on Valentine's Day, which is a B.S. made-up Hallmark holiday anyhow - than to be lonely WHILE in a relationship.

The only love affair you're gonna have your whole life long is with yourself. Treat yourself better by freeing yourself up to be with someone who wants what you want, & treats you like you matter. Don't give in to attempts to keep it going for Valentine's Day, a birthday - it's all just excuses.

I promise you better is out there. Yikes, if I was still with the schmuck who treated me badly when I was 20, I'd be hating life right now.
Posted by Eva Hopkins on February 12, 2013 at 5:54 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 6
TL:DR: Dan gave *perfect* advice on this one. Good job, Dan.
Posted by Eva Hopkins on February 12, 2013 at 5:55 PM · Report this
Fnarf 7
Better yet, dump his ass ON Valentine's Day.
Posted by Fnarf on February 12, 2013 at 5:58 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 8
And in the future, you can look back at this boyfriend experience and say "I deserve better than what, you ask? THAT. That is what I 'deserve better than'."
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on February 12, 2013 at 5:59 PM · Report this
"knowing your asshole now-ex-bf has been dumped right before Valentine's Day"

I hate to break it to you, but to most guys, if you're going to be dumped, right before Valentine's Day is the perfect time.

That said, she really should dump the motherfucker.

Posted by beef rallard on February 12, 2013 at 6:03 PM · Report this
OMG - the reason he started dating you when you were 17 is he couldn't find someone his own age who would put up with his immaturity. You are growing up and he isn't.
Posted by Dr.Duck on February 12, 2013 at 6:07 PM · Report this
I hope she listens! Learning who is MFing-Dumpable at that early age will set you up for life. Too many of us have spent too many years with assholes. 19 is a great age to learn the lesson - although most people need a couple of lessons before it sinks in. Make sure your second lesson doesn't waste 5 or 10 years.
Posted by JJinAus on February 12, 2013 at 6:15 PM · Report this
What @10 said. I hope he cries.
Posted by DRF on February 12, 2013 at 6:17 PM · Report this
@5 Valentine's Day was not made up by Hallmark. It is the feast of Saint Valentine, a famous martyr who was thrown to the lions by the Romans for being a Christian. He also fell in love at some point. It is on days like this that we must remember that sometimes love hurts but not as much as having your abdomen ripped open by a huge, slavering beast in the middle of the $#@%ckdamned Fulvian Arena.
Posted by DRF on February 12, 2013 at 6:20 PM · Report this
ams_ 14
Good advice.

You should start punctuating all your sentences with "OMG". It really adds to the flow.
Posted by ams_ on February 12, 2013 at 6:21 PM · Report this
Sandiai 15
Don't be afraid, honey. Don't "talk it out." Don't waver. Just say, "bye." You will feel SO MUCH BETTER. And, let me tell you this from a similar experience of mine: that shocked look on his face is fucking priceless (and will even be funny some day when you realize that the mean ones never see it coming).
Posted by Sandiai on February 12, 2013 at 6:23 PM · Report this
seatackled 16
@9 Yeah, I thought that when I typed it. I like Fnarf's suggestion to dump him on V-Day better. But on the other hand, that's keeping him around two days too long. Ultimately, it's about doing what's best for herself, not doing what's worst for him.
Posted by seatackled on February 12, 2013 at 6:57 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 17
@13, as a veteran of many years of Catholic school, I'm well aware of St. Valentine & many other saints, I promise. But most people don't celebrate Valentine's Day as a saint's feast..they celebrate it as a Hallmark holiday. They express their romantic sides by *buying* things for their S.O.

I'm not anti-romance..or even prezzies!..but the holiday as it stands kinda sucks, & the way it makes single people feel shitty sucks too.

(Whoops, also, RE: my comment at 5 - should say, it's WAY better to be alone, than lonely in a relationship..not 'WAS'.)
Posted by Eva Hopkins on February 12, 2013 at 7:00 PM · Report this
Ms Hopkins - Sorry, but you are incorrect in applying the word perfect. The D is fine and here the MF appears to be richly deserved; I doubt even Rumpole could make reasonable doubt in cross-examination on this case unless the prosecutor made a series of increasingly misogynistic remarks in the presence of a feminist judge. This advice does not go far enough.

There are some people who just, through bad luck, or perhaps sharing with Mr Bennet a penchant for youth and beauty and the appearance of good humour that youth and beauty occasionally give, make an unfortunate selection of partner. One tries to give young LWs as much benefit of the doubt as possible. But this one is beyond the Pale.

Tell an Incompetent Chooser to DTMFA and you save her from a miserable relationship.

Teach an Incompetent Chooser how to discern the MFs before dating one more than once and you save him from a lifetime of miserable relationships.

Mr Savage is correct that the vast majority of the opposite-sexer male population would constitute an improvement. But some bad choosers, like an old school friend of Hilda's in "Rumpole and the Boat People" who kept marrying exactly the same type of man only slightly worse each time, just keep going in the wrong direction.

Now it's certainly possible that this LW just had horrible luck right out of the box, and without any assistance at all will attract nineteen princes running. But the extent of her cluelessness would seem to provide reasonable doubt in and of itself that she can just be sent out into the world and expected to bring back a keeper next time.
Posted by vennominon on February 12, 2013 at 7:01 PM · Report this
OMG, I really hope she dumps him. When I think of all the inconsiderate assholes I should have dumped...
Posted by cmuberti on February 12, 2013 at 7:01 PM · Report this
seatackled 20
And let's not assume this charming fellow will get anything on Valentine's Day that he didn't pay for.
Posted by seatackled on February 12, 2013 at 7:05 PM · Report this
wingedkat 21
@15, sounds like he won't even give her the time of day for that.

OMG, if you can't get him to talk to you, dump him via text. Something like "I have better things to do than be your booty call. Goodbye, it's over."
Posted by wingedkat on February 12, 2013 at 7:05 PM · Report this
wingedkat 22
And to add to my last post "don't bother calling" or however he normally contacts you. Unfriend him, and if he keeps trying to reach you, block him.

Take comfort that you are giving him a lesson he needs desperately.
Posted by wingedkat on February 12, 2013 at 7:09 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 23
Her parents probably hate him, and with good reason. A 21-year-old dating a HS senior or junior? Ew.

He's using her. I dunno if I'd go so far as emotionally abused, but definitely used. And he doesn't care about her. DTMFA. Unless his band is actually making dope money, or is actually going somewhere...but somehow I doubt it. And then get a second boyfriend to meet your emotional needs.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on February 12, 2013 at 7:19 PM · Report this
I was in several of these relationships. I now look back and see them for what they were. And the very weird thing now is that I just couldn't see the booty-callness of it all. I really wanted these guys to be nice to me, and I stuck around hoping they would be. Didn't happen, despite fucking them like crazy. OMG: this your opportunity for someone else to recognize it for you. It's true, you are The Booty Call. He loves only his access to your vagina. DTMFA and be alert to that shit happening again. And try not to let it happen. It feels shitty and noone deserves to be treated like that.
Posted by Funky Monkey on February 12, 2013 at 7:43 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 25
@18, Dear Mr. Vennominon - I sit corrected. Also, if I ever make it back out to Seattle, I'd love to have a cup of tea with you.
Posted by Eva Hopkins on February 12, 2013 at 7:46 PM · Report this
Sandiai 26
@21, I agree with everything you said. But boyfriends like that start acting like a boyfriend (i.e., talking about "what you mean to them") only when you're threatening a break up. Something about the panic of not getting any, anymore. I want her to be on guard for that behavior. Your idea to break up by text is awesome, except she'll miss out on possibly seeing him cry.
Posted by Sandiai on February 12, 2013 at 7:50 PM · Report this
Why is Dan opposed to "come" being spelled "cum"?
Posted by ghassan on February 12, 2013 at 7:50 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 28
I cannot believe all the hate going on here! Did you people not read the part where he's in a band??? That's like the utter most coolest thing EVAH!!! Throwing away man-gold like that would be all kinds of stupid.

And what about the fact that he is so much more mature and older than all of her peers. Who are lame awkward teenagers and here she is, she's caught a guy who can go to bars & everything. Don't you people realize the incredible power of jealousy this girl wields over her friends and acquaintances? "Yeah, my bf, who's in a band got so drunk last night at the bar I had to pick him up & drive him back to my place." I bet Tiffany and that bitch Charline turned absolutely green when they heard that!

oh, and btw...
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on February 12, 2013 at 7:52 PM · Report this
Ms Hopkins - I'm sure it would be a great treat.

If ever a LW cried out to have her hypothetical Dating License suspended, this one did. But I have thought of a potentially constructive suggestion in keeping with the MTV theme. If it is still in production, this little group sounds as if they could appear on the MTV programme Parental Control, in which parents who dislike their child's partner interview a group of candidates for an arranged date. Each selects one, the son/daughter goes on the two dates and then chooses either to remain with the original partner or to keep seeing one of the parental choices instead.
Posted by vennominon on February 12, 2013 at 8:36 PM · Report this
wingedkat 30
@26, If I thought there was a good chance he would, I'd support that more. However, I think it is just as likely he's going to try to cover any disappointment he may feel and pretend he doesn't care. Worst case, he may actually be hurt and lash out to do his best to hurt her more.

Since I think it could go either way, I'd go with the plan that protects her already damaged feelings.
Posted by wingedkat on February 12, 2013 at 8:40 PM · Report this
MythicFox 31
One specific thing I wanted to respond to in OMG's letter...

Of course the age difference doesn't bother him! He's the older guy! For that first year or so he got to be the college age guy who brags to his friends about how he was banging a girl in high school! If your ages had been reversed or you'd only been one year younger than him, you'd have been far less appealing to him. Seriously, dump this motherfucker yesterday if not sooner.
Posted by MythicFox on February 12, 2013 at 8:48 PM · Report this
Sandiai 32
Sounds good. Yeah, I could see this turning into an abusive/vengeful tantrum now that you mention it.
Posted by Sandiai on February 12, 2013 at 8:49 PM · Report this
I agree with everyone here and I think HE should dump HER. What can possibly be worse than an insecure teenage moping around because you don't have all the time in the world to pay attention to her? As if working a job to support himself, going to school and finding time to practice music should be tossed aside so he can ask this dimbo what her favorite color is? Seriously, Dude, she's a dream killer and she will suck all the life out of you. Dump that bitch TODAY!
Posted by montex on February 12, 2013 at 8:58 PM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 34
Well, it's likely this ::coughs violently:: gem of a boyfriend wouldn't be available on Valentine's Day anyway ... 'cuz it falls on a weekday and he's got places to be, baybee.

I only hope she can get away from his slithering grasp, especially if he starts to flail about with protestations of how much she means to him after she tries to DTMFA.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on February 12, 2013 at 8:58 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 35
26, I think the worst that could happen would be that he uses his new-found "feelings" to write an insipid ballad for his band, which he then uses to lure other naive 19-yos into his emotional torture-chamber funhouse.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on February 12, 2013 at 9:19 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 36
@34: I had that thought, too. Dumping him may not affect his life that much. She's probably not his only teenage booty call.
Posted by aureolaborealis on February 12, 2013 at 9:21 PM · Report this
seandr 37
I suppose you could dump him, but you'll sure regret it once he and his band become rockstars.
Posted by seandr on February 12, 2013 at 9:34 PM · Report this
Dan, I really hope the line about keeping spare men in low orbit was a reference to Y: The Last Man, where the only men who survived the plague (other than Yorick), were the ones in the ISS. It is was, I love you even more.
Posted by CyberQuaker on February 12, 2013 at 9:45 PM · Report this
SoUt 39
Hey OMG, you need to celebrate Galentines day! Nobody's expecting gifts, no hurt feelings, no using all your mental energy to leave your body whilst you fuck, no trying, no pressure, no begging for affection. No! Just hang out and get wasted with your pals. Have a sleepover!
Maybe you're his first girlfriend, and he's clueless. Most likely though, he's fucking other girls. Perhaps you're his token under-ager? Dan's right, anyway you spin it, you gotta get! The longer you wait, the harder it will be. And he will be super sad probably, and he will say he respects you. And in that moment he will. because youll be strong. Good luck Baby Girl!
Posted by SoUt on February 12, 2013 at 10:11 PM · Report this
@13 That's "Flavian Amphitheater."
Posted by cheakamus on February 12, 2013 at 10:14 PM · Report this
LW, pay attention to your family's reaction when you tell them you've dumped him.
Posted by Krunch on February 12, 2013 at 10:48 PM · Report this
@18: Honestly, I think a lot of girls come out of high school with a false sense of scarcity when it comes to attractive men- exposure to just one good guy in college is probably enough to get her to realize that she was majorly settling, unless she's going to a college where the odds are very much in favor of the dudes.
Posted by alguna_rubia on February 12, 2013 at 11:13 PM · Report this
WTF? where were these door mats when I was in high school? Maybe I just wasn't attracted to girls with such low esteem to realize they were a easy lay?
Posted by garumph on February 12, 2013 at 11:44 PM · Report this
lolorhone 44
@33: This comment is actual a fine example of DTMFA-worthy behavior. If a man trivializes (or demonizes) your entirely fair request for reciprocity of time and affection, he is trying to deflect his responsibility as a boyfriend (which involves simply making as much time for your partner and they do for you, not handing them your dreams to slaughter) and train you to expect nothing more than a what a fuck buddy would. The problem is that even fuck buddies deserve respect. And if they don't get it, they stop fucking the disrespectful motherfucker. Apply a similar principle here, LW.
Posted by lolorhone on February 13, 2013 at 2:14 AM · Report this
There's something worse than being alone, and that's wishing that you were.
Posted by Global Traveler on February 13, 2013 at 3:24 AM · Report this
Alanmt 46
OMG, who is sexier, #13 or #38? I will take one of each plz.

Oh yeah, LW, dump him. He is not the boyfriend you are looking for.
Posted by Alanmt on February 13, 2013 at 5:10 AM · Report this
smajor82 47
@33 - Are you the type who feels bad for abusive partners because they have to deal with their traumatized spouse all the time?

OMG - seriously, you can do better. I know this because as Dan says, being single is better than being with someone that makes you feel like you aren't worth much. You need to decide what your value is as a human being and refuse to enter into a long term relationship with someone who doesn't value you that much also.

Also, you're 19. Don't get in the habit of staying in a bad relationship waiting for it to get better. Learning how to quickly identify duds is a real skill and practice makes perfect.
Posted by smajor82 on February 13, 2013 at 6:45 AM · Report this
They started dating when he was 21 and she was 17. No more info required: He's a creep. Move on.
Posted by BABH on February 13, 2013 at 8:41 AM · Report this
debug 49
"I'm constantly giving 200% but he's giving like 70%"

American school system fail...
Posted by debug on February 13, 2013 at 8:51 AM · Report this
Anyone else hear Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused?

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
Posted by daphne24 on February 13, 2013 at 9:52 AM · Report this
@27: Because adults should know how to spell easy words.
Posted by The Head-shaking Lesbian on February 13, 2013 at 10:34 AM · Report this
@40 Technically it was the Via Flaminia, but same idea, yes.

There probably was a Fulvian Arena somewhere in the Roman Empire, but I was indeed trying to refer to the Colosseum, which was indeed called "Flavian" and not "Fulvian."
Posted by DRF on February 13, 2013 at 10:46 AM · Report this

That's a very good point. She should wait until he shows up with champagne and roses, then slap him with the roses and dump his ass.

At least, in a just world that would work, anyway. Shouting "piss off, loser, I hate you" through the door would probably be a better idea.

@48: A 4 year age gap, even when she's 17, is *not* a reason in itself to believe he's a creep. It might be a bit of a red flag, but it's not a *reason*. Further investigation would be necessary. It's not like practically every 17 year old girl doesn't want an older boyfriend or anything, deluded as that may be.
Posted by gromm on February 13, 2013 at 11:55 AM · Report this
@23 I was a high school senior when I started dating my then 20-year-old boyfriend (who turned 21 before I graduated), and we're still together 5 years later. The problem here isn't the age difference.
Posted by koliebo on February 13, 2013 at 12:33 PM · Report this
SoapMacTavish 55
If I found out my son was treating any woman like this, I'd kick his ass. It makes me mad / sad that women let fuck heads treat them this way. Dan is spot on with this advice, DTMFA!
Posted by SoapMacTavish on February 13, 2013 at 3:19 PM · Report this
scary tyler moore 56
Second that, venomminon. we can talk about Rumpole and She Who Must Be Obeyed.
Posted by scary tyler moore on February 14, 2013 at 1:45 AM · Report this

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