Slog Comments

Hey, Hyzenthlayk9 @ 17 - good for you, if you got Austin to log on to Slog. Cheers. TO AUSTIN @16, long but plz. read:

"Freedom comes the day we stop wishing for a different past."

My mother & I don't speak. I'm likely not quite 2X your age, but I'm older - technically old enough to be your mother, or an aunt ;) My mother abused me. It's hard for other people to understand; the person who is supposed to love & protect you - more than any other person! - gets angry that you're not what they wanted (I'm bi, IDK how much that played into things) or planned for. So many experiences in common with you. The going through my things, many years of religious schooling, the tug of war between parents: when you say: "she took part of my life away" - I hear you, it's so well said. 2 weeks after the cops intervened at our home, she moved out, but the abuse & mental tug of war didn't stop for many years. & seeing other people with their moms is like a stab in the gut, if you're feeling vulnerable.

I agree with you: "it" doesn't get better. I'm so sad that you went through these struggles, but as you know, because you're off forming your new life - "it gets better" is too simple. Rather, *we* get better; we grow older & better equipped to ask for what we want & need from people. *We* get better at telling the difference between what is okay, & not okay for us; & how to distinguish someone who loves & cares for us, from someone whose abusive pattern merely feels familiar. *We* get better at making healthy choices for ourselves, & understanding that how we are born *is not* some choice we made, or our "fault"; instead, the miracles of cells that join to form each & every one of us are an amazing thing, & every last thing about you, that makes you, you - is amazing.

Continue to educate yourself. Continue to hone your instincts, continue to be brave & ask for help, ask for someone to listen. Because people are. You're so much braver than I was, when I was your age. Get some counseling. Talk to your friends. Continue to connect. By asking for people to listen, you're opening yourself for some people to mock, or make light; but more people will listen, Austin. You wait & see.

You've got a long road to walk, & sometimes that pain will feel like yesterday. But I promise you, that if you hang in there long enough, one day it will hurt less; & some time after that, even less. I've come to love myself despite all the challenges going through that puts in the way. You will too.

I go to Atlanta, 1ce a year, over Labor Day weekend. If you still need someone to talk to, someone who has been through much of what you have, drop me a line anytime - eva_arts AT yahoo.com. Come Labor Day, I can give you a real hug in person, if you want one. Until then, I'm sending you thoughts of cookies & tea, & smiles for the good friends you have yet to meet in life.

Hogs & quiches,

Eva

PS: I recently started Emailing my mother. We haven't tackled the hard questions, but after many years of no contact at all, I don't get as angry when trying to communicate. That might not be in your future, but wanted to let you know - the future is brighter than the past.

Hi Austin, I'm a mother of three writing to you from France.

I've also had my childhood stolen, though in a different way. So I deeply understand how you feel. Let me tell you this : you're very brave in getting your story out to the world. You have courage. That's a great quality.

Don't worry about what your mother or people around your family will think about you putting this video online. They are the ones who should be ashamed about their horrible behaviour. They all are guilty of abusing you in an horrible way. They are the ones who should be depressed - but they won't be, because sociopaths don't get depression. Only normal persons do... So see, you're a normal person already !

You did nothing wrong. The abuse was absolutely not your fault. It's not because of who you are, it's because of who SHE is.

Being gay is just the way you are - it's not a shame, it's not a sin, it's just you. Change "being born gay" for "being born left-handed" : would it be grounds not to love you, and to abuse you, and to beat you up ? No, left-handed and right-handed alike will tell you that it's silly to abuse someone because he's left-handed.(*)

Being gay is nothing different from being left-handed. Under duress, a left-handed can write with his/her right hand, just like under duress a gay can pretend to be heterosexual. But the left-handed will still be left-handed and the gay will still be gay, and both will be unhappy. Why exert a duress which achieves nothing ? Because some people are dumber than dumb and others are just plain mean.

Being born as a member of a human minority does not mean being any less human than the members of the majority. Nor any less deserving of motherly love.

You were born to this woman and she never treated you as a beloved child. I know it hurts. Horribly. But know this : you don't have to love her any more. You don't have to think of her as your mother any more.

You did your "job" as a child - you did love her no matter what. You still do, it shows. You're NOT to blame.

She did not do her "job" as a parent. She should have loved you no matter what. She did not. SHE is to blame.

And I'm a parent now, so I can tell you this : no adult has any business having children if they're not damn sure they will love them, be they born with disfiguring disabilities or be they born a sweet lovely baby, like YOU were (just look at you).

Being a parent is all about accepting your child, and loving your child no matter what. From the second they're born, all babies love their parents, unconditionally, and keep on loving them, even when they're ill-treated by them. Parents who can't give that love back, they're not parents.

Children are due parental love. They don't have to earn parental love. Parental love is a parental duty, entirely. When children become adults, they keep on loving their parents, or they don't : that's how parents can know whether they've been good enough parents or no. When parents don't behave as parents, they are NOT due filial love. You owe nothing to your mother, after how she's treated you.

You're not responsible of your mother being a BAD person. She is.

Nobody but you can decide whether she still is your mother or not. You can decide she's not your mother anymore; from my point of view, she never was. She's just that woman who, by giving you life, should have been your mother - but she CHOSE not to. What you've endured is not your choice, not your fault - it's hers, and hers only.

You did no wrong. She did. And instead of feeling guilty, and become a real mother, she heaped HER guilt on you, and she made you feel shame for HER horrible behaviour. Just like all abusers do.

You need a therapist to help you, but let me tell you this : you're not insane, you're reacting in a totally healthy way. Your dreams are here to tell you what your brain knows deep inside : she didn't want you as her child. Most probably, several times she did want to have you *not there*, and a part of your brain picked up the signals - and your brain can remember conciously, now that you are in a safe place, and your brain is showing you all those nightmares to warn you off her, forever.

Your brain is quite right. She's always behaved as a danger to you, and there's no reason she'll ever stop - so obey your brain warnings, stay away from her. Because it's SHE who has an abnormal brain, not you.

And you don't have to do what her abnormal brain dictated, that is, to stop being there, to stop being alive. Ask a trusted adult to find a way to attenuate the suicidal thoughts out of you (maybe medication, maybe something else) - but know that they are normal, considering what you've been through. Know that they will go away somehow. Hang on.

You're out of her reach now, good for you. Stay that way. A good thing would be to decide to accept yourself as you are. Accept your dreams just like you would accept a scar - that fades away but never totally disappears. Your dreams, your flashbacks will still be around in some years but there will be a lot less of them and they won't hurt so much, I promise. You will heal. You will still remember everything - but not everyday, not every hour.

Please do for yourself what she criminaly didn't do for you : learn to love yourself. You are lovable. You'll have a great life. You'll be nothing like her. You'll be all right. Seeing a therapist will make this happen faster, but anyway it will happen. It did for me.

And if you ever need a place to stay in France, near Paris - have your responsible adult reach to me. In my youth I was an exchange student in Austin, Texas. Living with the family there made a very positive change in my life. I'd love to give back, in any way. Think about it.

(*) comparison courtesy of my 9-year-old left-handed daughter. I'm so proud of her.

Austin, I am the sister of a person who attempted suicide when she was 15, due in large part to extensive bullying and feeling 'different', but also due to my mother and brother not supporting her during the bullying, and in fact, accusing her of making it up - ie emotional abuse. My brother also physically abused my sister, and my mother did little to stop it. It was an incredibly toxic atmosphere to say the least.

So may I please beg you very sincerely not to do anything to harm yourself or end your life. Because: Aside from doing so being a triumph for shittiness and evil, it's a fucking lousy, miserable WASTE - such a raw deal for YOU, to permanently shut the door before you know what's around the corner. Your mother - who sounds like a horrendous failure as a mother and a human being - didn't give you a chance, or a break, which is why YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF ONE. Seriously! SO many people who have abusive upbringings are so often the people who end up living amazing, kickass lives (my sister included) that the rest of us are jealous of - total fact.

Just know, there are SO many of us out here, pulling for kids like you. We really, truly are. And maybe a small part of that is selfishness, because one of the things you learn as you grow is that it's the people like you, who have a combination of uncommon and awesome qualities - bright, articulate, interesting, sensitive, ballsy - (all of which is obvious from your video) - that make life on this planet worth living. Seriously. You are exactly the type of person that smart, kickass people - especially when you get out of high school - are going to want to hang out with. All of those qualities are loser-deterrents.

Anyway, I'm not as well spoken as you, or as some people on here, so I'm sorry if any of this comes off sounding like a greeting card or a cliche but ... stay strong. Counseling helped my sister - the right counselor - you sometimes have to shop around to find somebody you click with - deal with the stress and the anger and the low self esteem, so if you have the ability to try it, it might be worth a shot. Just remember, we really, genuinely do care, and we really are all pulling for you. (And if it would help at all to reach out further, here's my personal email: bboinnngg@yahoo.com)

- Marguerite