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1
Um, Dan, I'm not sure how to put that in English, but tampons are ... asymmetrical. They are nice and round at the top, but not so much at the bottom, and once they get wet they become vaguely cone-shaped. This serves the fine purpose of them not sliding out of one's vagina, yet with a bit of pressure and/or string tugging they come out easily enough. I don't think that will be quite as easy with an anus. More like putting in a (slim) butt plug, but flared bottom and all, and then trying to get it out again. I guess that struggle could be part of the Mistress's plan but I'd really not advise putting a tampon back there.
Posted by ElaineS on February 23, 2013 at 2:19 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 2
The rare spot of bad advice. Everyone's human.
Posted by Matt from Denver on February 23, 2013 at 2:26 PM · Report this
4
No way. To what @1 said, I would add:

I occasionally had to pull out a dry tampon ( my period ended early, maybe, or I had to change it before it had gotten fully soaked), and it was exactly as awful as you would imagine rubbing a hard wad of cotton against sensitive mucous membranes would be. Chances are that a tampon inserted in a healthy person's butt would never get wet enough to pull out without causing serious chafing.

If he could lube it up before insertion, maybe it would be okay, but you'd have to take it out of the applicator to do that, and then it would be too floppy to put in.

No way.
Posted by Valkyrie on February 23, 2013 at 2:51 PM · Report this
originalcinner 5
I wondered, "How is he even going to get it in there?" but then I've never used the kind with an applicator.

I would totally be using pads if it were me (which thankfully it isn't). They're just as "feminizing", seriously.
Posted by originalcinner on February 23, 2013 at 2:59 PM · Report this
ScienceNerd 6
I agree with 3, pad are horrible. Wearing one sucks... try that first.
Posted by ScienceNerd http://stanichium.tumblr.com/ on February 23, 2013 at 3:21 PM · Report this
eclexia 7
It's safe to say I've worn a tampon exactly as many times as I've given birth....

But-- Or should I say butt-- if I were to shove a bunch of cotton wadding up my ass, how on earth could it get stuck there? Wouldn't it get pushed out with the next turd? A package of Fig Newtons should fix the problem.

(I'm using "turd" here literally. I don't mean I'm getting ass-banged by congressmen or cardinals.)
Posted by eclexia on February 23, 2013 at 3:34 PM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 8
Sounds like a bad idea. You will be miserable if it gives you a bowel obstruction. Very painful. And you do not want to go to the emergency room and explain what you've done. You will have to tell them so they know what to do.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on February 23, 2013 at 4:02 PM · Report this
10
As a GI/Endoscopy nurse, can I just add...NO, NO, and NO.
I can't count how many times I've been called in to the hospital at 10 o'clock at night to dig something out of some poor misguided person's ass. Use a butt plug and a pad. If you want it to be uncomfortable, skip the lube.
Posted by Laurie in SF on February 23, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
12
It might seem like less of a terrifically bad idea if the tampon is soaked in vodka first.
Posted by curiouser on February 23, 2013 at 4:52 PM · Report this
13
I would not attempt this without a good health insurance policy and a willingness to deal with a typically exhausted ER staff.
Posted by Alice Dreger http://www.alicedreger.com on February 23, 2013 at 4:55 PM · Report this
seandr 14
This is just awful. LW needs to let this bossy "mistress" character know that he will no longer stand for her bullying!
Posted by seandr on February 23, 2013 at 5:03 PM · Report this
15
Thing is, though, a properly inserted tampon is not uncomfortable at all. And there's nothing "feminizing" about pulling a dry wad of cotton out of your ass. If the point is to mimic the experience of being a woman, this doesn't do that. A pad could, especially if it were soaked with something and you were a little afraid of leakage.

If the whole point is discomfort and doing something you don't want to because you've been ordered to, then carry on. You'll shit it out, eventually. Drink lots of water and coffee.
Posted by agony on February 23, 2013 at 5:12 PM · Report this
16
Let me just say again...Thank you, Dan, for giving me an education on the wide range of sexual interests/kinks that are out there. The first time I read your column was in the Pittsburgh City Paper on the bus on the way home from work. There was a letter in there about a medical scene that had my very sheltered, 19 year old self asking, "People really do that?!"

After reading your column for 20+ years now, I don't ever ask that question any more.
Posted by Sheryl on February 23, 2013 at 5:15 PM · Report this
17
Dan, I think you're awesome, but honestly, what did the sleep-deprived, overworked staff of a typical ER ever do to you?
Posted by Shann on February 23, 2013 at 5:28 PM · Report this
18
I agree with the comments saying that tampon in ass is a bad idea. Also, not very "feminizing", because women don't put dry tampons in their butts.

A slightly damp pad sounds both more feminine and more safe.

Posted by wingedkat on February 23, 2013 at 5:29 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 19
@15- finally a voice of sanity! It's clear no male here has ever done this, or the other nonsense wouldn't have been said. Tampon goes in, string stays out, tampon gets soaked with mucous, not liquid, and pulls right out. If it goes deeper, then it is shat right out.
Any man foolish enough to go to an ER over a lost tampon up his butt deserves any humiliation he may experience.
Posted by OutInBumF on February 23, 2013 at 5:31 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 20
@ 19, are you saying that you've actually stuck a tampon up your butt? And that you've done it enough times to know that you will poop it out if it gets lost? I want to be crystal clear that you're speaking from experience, because I tend to trust medical professionals who say that that's a bad idea.
Posted by Matt from Denver on February 23, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 21
I just reread this and got even more ringing warning bells. [I hope the LW did NOT go ahead.]

The domme was an ONLINE mistress, so the LW wouldn't even be supervised when wearing the tampons. And he was expecting to wear them for several days in a row. I can imagine one tampon, once, but one after another for days would really end up chafing the guy's insides. As some of the above comments indicate, tampons are meant to wick away moisture - ANY moisture. So our LW would most likely be left with an irritated, abraded anus that could then provide the opportunity for bacteria to enter.

If he wanted to do something a LOT safer but still uncomfortable, then he could put a dollop of something red (maybe spaghetti sauce because it's more viscous ... and I can't believe I'm actually typing this) onto a pad and wear that. The cold and clammy feeling should be sissyfying enough (and what a reminder of the ineffective pads from the 1960s ::shudders::).
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on February 23, 2013 at 5:52 PM · Report this
22
Use o.d. tampons. They have a cover that makes them easier to take out when dry, they don't expand too much, they're smaller and harder than other tampons, and they don't have applicators. You put them in like an enema. Other non-applicator tampons would work too. Add a little lube, and you'll be fine.
Posted by MaiamaiaM on February 23, 2013 at 6:43 PM · Report this
23
What if you put a condom on over the tampon? I realize this is weird, but it would avoid the absorbancy problem, and make it more similar to a butt plug functionally.
Posted by JudT on February 23, 2013 at 7:53 PM · Report this
25
@19, that is kind of not accurate. A rectum is not a vagina. Vaginas are blocked off by a cervix. Rectums are not. If I lose something up my vagina, it has nowhere to go. If I lose something up my rectum, it has a long way to go -- and if it goes far enough (absorbing liquid and expanding all the way), then no, I am not going to able to just shit it out. I will have a bowel obstruction -- one that yes, without medical help, could become extremely dangerous.
Posted by Shann on February 23, 2013 at 9:13 PM · Report this
NotSean 26
LW is full of shit.
...or will be.
Posted by NotSean on February 23, 2013 at 10:51 PM · Report this
27
Come on, use a pad. It is not a test of womanhood to use a tampon. Plenty of women use pads. Next!
Posted by torpedofish on February 23, 2013 at 11:06 PM · Report this
28
"Inflicting discomfort" is an incidental "reason"--the primary reasons are the "feminization training", and the sub/Dom power dynamic. But that's just me being a quibbler and a pedant.

Not a good choice for a rerun letter, Dan. Sure, the 'issue' is amusing and left-field and entertaining, but I think the advice to "do it" was pretty bad.

Also, an internet Mistress? The chances that such a Dom doesn't know what the hell she (or he) is doing and/or doesn't give a fuck about safety is MUCH higher than any real-life Mistress.
Posted by Functional Atheist on February 24, 2013 at 12:35 AM · Report this
29
I registered just to be able to post this.

Dear kinky-sex-toy sex-industry public service capitalist innovators:

This is a new product opportunity. You could make something, sell something, help people. There is an already-existing niche. (Well, not so much a "niche" as a "hole," but you see what I mean.) This niche (or hole) already exists, though it is hidden and not often talked about or payed enough attention to. (See what I'm doing here with the extended niche/butthole analogy? It goes on!) But this niche can be brought to light and expanded, with the right kind of attention. Although, admittedly, the extent to which it can be expanded is limited.

But seriously: Someone should make a safe, ersatz-tampon for sissy butts and sell them on the internet.

You're welcome, sex-industry entrepreneurs and sissies. No royalties are required, but a thank-you note would be nice.
Posted by F.A.W. on February 24, 2013 at 1:07 AM · Report this
30
Oh my, I do believe I have hit one of my boundaries. This is what I call APS. "Acquired Problem Syndrome". Are people SO bored with their lives that they have to acquire these issues and seek quasi-medical help? Really? I have so many mundane real life problems that I would like solved before I would be in the outer 'burbs of this.
Posted by JJinAus on February 24, 2013 at 1:36 AM · Report this
31
speaking as another woman who has pulled a (single!) dry tampon out, DON'T DO IT. That is not a typical female experience. Certainly, doing it for "several days" is completely atypical.

If you want a humiliating female experience, try putting something that stains on a pad, and wear it for a while, hoping it won't leak and show.
Posted by mother of two on February 24, 2013 at 6:18 AM · Report this
UK_Nurse 32
Agree with Dr Barak and the other healthcare professionals in the comments - not a good idea.

As has already been mentioned by Shann - a vagina has the cervix to stop things from disappearing any further inside, a rectum is just the start of a long length of intestine.

As someone who has retrieved a few retained tampons from patients, I can tell you that those things not only retain lots of fluid, but also provide a perfect breeding ground for bacteria (any other healthcare professionals on here will know that a retained tampon produces a smell perhaps only beaten by fungating breast tumours). Losing a tampon inside the rectum risks developing a serious bowel obstruction, which can be fatal.

And it seems to fly in the face of the advice you regularly recommend ER doctors tell their patients, Dan - don't stick anything in your ass that doesn't have a flared base.
Posted by UK_Nurse on February 24, 2013 at 6:47 AM · Report this
33
Terrible advice. If you look up contraindications for the use of ExLax (senna), you will see "gastrointestinal obstruction" and "fecal impaction" on the list.

Senna is a stimulant laxative, which means it encourages the intestines to contract more vigorously. If that tampon is firmly lodged and your intestines begin contracting against a fixed obstruction, there's always a risk of perforation. At that point, you'll be on the fast track to colostomy which you will probably dress up with lipstick and a wig.

Furthermore, an anus usually has a lot more muscular tone than the introitus of a vagina. Therefore, pulling out a swollen mass with a string is less likely to be successful when you're pulling it out of someone's asshole. If the string breaks off, then you're stuck with a wad of fiber soaking up bacteria and whatever other foolishness you've happened to cram up your ass that day, cooking away at 98.6 degrees. You might as well allow a piece of pork to fester up there.

Instead of making this mistake and having to come to the ER with this problem, try using a little FORESIGHT instead. We would appreciate it.
Posted by Yeek on February 24, 2013 at 6:47 AM · Report this
UK_Nurse 34
This has only just occured to me - has the LW considered the anal plugs used to treat anal incontinence?

Peristeen anal plugs are essentially tampons for the anus, available as a method of managing faecal incontinence. They expand to create a plug at the top of the rectal cavity and can be left in for up to twelve hours. They are shaped differently so there would be less risk of it being lost inside the anus (although that's not no risk).

These are only available by prescription in the UK but I'd imagine there are similar products available in the USA.

It's an option but I still stand by my original opinion of not shoving things up one's ass that could potentially disappear. . .
Posted by UK_Nurse on February 24, 2013 at 7:02 AM · Report this
35
The worst thing you can do with a foreign object stuck in your rectum is try to dig it out yourself or "drink a lot of coffee" or follow some other horrendous home remedy. These are situations that get a lot of laughs but they are serious and the consequences can be devastating if it is not handled properly. It's not just the risk of infection or muscular perforation - there is also pressure ischemia, where the mass effect of an object left in for HOURS can impede blood flow to the rectum, resulting in issue death and ulceration.

If something is stuck in your ass and you can't get it out, get medical help. Do not wait a few days, do not try to pry it out with a grapefruit spoon (seen that with a vagina - terrible result), do not ask your friend who's "really in touch with her body" for advice. GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
Posted by Yeek on February 24, 2013 at 7:44 AM · Report this
37
If the tampon is too dry to remove easily, couldn't PMS just soak it by giving himself an enema?
Posted by I have always been... east coaster on February 24, 2013 at 8:58 AM · Report this
tainte 38
jesus titty fucking christ. what is wrong with this person?

GROSS.
Posted by tainte on February 24, 2013 at 9:01 AM · Report this
sissoucat 40
Tampons in the ass is *not* feminizing - it's stupid and dangerous.

If you want real feminizing, take a pad, and a bottle of red/brown ink. Add ink until the pad is damp then wear it. Then for 8 hours stop to add ink every hour or so, until your bottle is empty, and don't stop even if the pad is too soaked to take any more. Be afraid of it leaking all over the place, and ruining forever your nice clothes. Start using the brown-stained coton panties from last month, that never became white again despite your best efforts, for that whole business. And at night too ! Soak the pad before going to bed, and see the results on your bed linen in the morning. That'll be a lot more like what women experience.

And yeah, marinating in juices for one week each month is so pleasant. You'll love it. Especially the part when you'll have to put back on, after peeing, your panty-with-pad that was warm when you took it off, and now is distressingly colder. Such a nice feeling.

And if you really want to go the full monty - don't use red/brown ink. Use real red meat juice. Enjoy the smell at the end of the day.
Posted by sissoucat on February 24, 2013 at 10:58 AM · Report this
41
As a chick, I don't even recommend that other chicks use tampons. Menstrual cups are much, much safer.

But when you're talking about feminizing, like other commenters have said--nothing compares to dealing with pads. Frustrating, sticky, at times horribly embarrassing (most impressively loud packaging in the universe).... and safe. Just go with that.
Posted by Harimad on February 24, 2013 at 12:54 PM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 42
@37 (east coaster)

Uh ... no. Adding the liquid from an enema to a tampon already inserted would weaken the cotton/synthetic fibres, meaning that the likelihood of shredding or tearing would be greater. There are already comments above describing how removing a tampon from the anus is nothing like removing it from the vagina,
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on February 24, 2013 at 1:24 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 43
@ 20- Isn't that obvious? Anyone checking facts can assure you that at least 90% of "True Medical Stories About Things Lost Up Anuses" are pure urban myth. The masses love to be titillated by anal tales. An ER visit over a tiny little ol' tampon up the butt- puleeze.
@37- Yes, enemas work for so many purposes, this included.
@42- Why is a shredded tampon any worse than what's up there naturally? Poop chutes are made for expelling what's in 'em.
Posted by OutInBumF on February 24, 2013 at 2:56 PM · Report this
ShifterCat 44
@41: Oh gods, yes. The designers of the menstrual cup have my eternal gratitude.

Not something a guy could insert, though.
Posted by ShifterCat on February 24, 2013 at 3:17 PM · Report this
45
@43, people die every day from being unable to expel what's in their poop chutes. Things get stuck, things get infected, and, eventually, THINGS TEAR, meaning that all that lovely bacteria gets out of your nice, safe intestine and into the rest of your body, where it proceeds to kill you to death. Mostly, that happens when people don't go to the hospital because they think that they can just hang out, drink some coffee, and wait for the bowel to do what it does. Not a good plan.
Posted by Shann on February 24, 2013 at 4:26 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 46
@43, I asked you a simple question, you ducked it, therefore the answer is "No, Matt from Denver, I have absolutely no experience on the topic of which I'm freely and irresponsibly opining."

Please note that I was referencing the words of REAL doctors and nurses with REAL experience helping out REAL people who lost REAL things up their butts. Not an urban myth to be found.
Posted by Matt from Denver on February 24, 2013 at 5:33 PM · Report this
48
i'm kinda shocked at the amount of anti-buttamponing happening on this thread. if he's a connoisseur of getting his booty raided, i say go for it.
and remember kids, if you do lose something up there...deep knee bends:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Posted by fubarista on February 24, 2013 at 7:18 PM · Report this
49
@48: I suspect the soft expandable nature of tampons would make that a lot less likely to work. The same way that soft round things are the greatest choking hazards, expanding to fill all the space and not jolted out the way harder objects, with the airspace around their sharp edges, are by coughing.

Re 43/46: ...Yeah. So, any current readers in LW's shoes would be well advised to listen to all the medical professionals in the thread saying this is a terrible idea, from personal experience, and ignore the people whose instincts tell 'em there could be no problems.
Posted by IPJ on February 24, 2013 at 7:30 PM · Report this
Antoinette 50
@ #40 - This!
Posted by Antoinette on February 25, 2013 at 5:19 AM · Report this
51
The reason a tampon is worse than a random cotton wool ball is because they are designed to expand, and to expand so as to become wider. They can triple/quadruple in diameter. Not a problem when there is liquid cascading down onto them and the orifice in question is designed to easily accommodate not only a cock, but a baby. Much more of a problem if there is much less liquid coming down and getting things out is more difficult.

Please publish a correction Dan, this advice could be fatal.
Posted by sorry, name is taken on February 25, 2013 at 7:10 AM · Report this
52
The reason a tampon is worse than a random cotton wool ball is because they are designed to expand, and to expand so as to become wider. They can triple/quadruple in diameter. Not a problem when there is liquid cascading down onto them and the orifice in question is designed to easily accommodate not only a cock, but a baby. Much more of a problem if there is much less liquid coming down and getting things out is more difficult.

Please publish a correction Dan, this advice could be fatal.
Posted by sorry, name is taken on February 25, 2013 at 7:13 AM · Report this
thecheesegirl 53
@35: The bit about the grapefruit spoon, oh god. I literally made this face and waved my hands around wildly while going, "Oh god, ew ew ew ew ew...." for about two whole minutes. This is why I would be a bad nurse.
Posted by thecheesegirl on February 25, 2013 at 3:03 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 54
I've only been an echo all week, since everybody has said this already: what a *foul* ball. I hope the LW didn't take this advice. Hope they went with pads.

Dan, seriously consider adding an update to this post. Common sense & some medical practitioners on this thread raise some valid concerns & lotsa people reading who look to you for advice. Butttampongate could commence. :(
Posted by Eva Hopkins http://www.lunamusestudios.com on February 26, 2013 at 8:02 AM · Report this

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