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1
Grow up.
Posted by Amanda on May 6, 2013 at 4:09 PM · Report this
eclexia 2
slow day?
Posted by eclexia on May 6, 2013 at 4:15 PM · Report this
lolorhone 3
He said "No, I'm sorry" so it seems he knew he had something to do with it. Regardless, clarify the source and move on. Unintentional bodily noises do not make for bad sex necessarily; mishandling said noises can make for no sex at all. At which point, the noises probably seem pretty benign.
Posted by lolorhone on May 6, 2013 at 4:16 PM · Report this
T 4
What actually killed his boner though? The queefs (queeves?) or her reaction? Either way, the problem is easily resolved by being comfortable enough with oneself and your partner to laugh off the ridiculous (and sometimes hilarious) sounds that come out of the human body.
Posted by T on May 6, 2013 at 4:18 PM · Report this
5
Super simple lady trick: When you're about to change positions, covertly slip a finger inside yourself and use your vaginal muscles to squeeze the air out. Your finger keeps your "lips" from touching enough to make that unfortunate noise. In the tangle of limbs and shifting of positions, you can do this pretty quickly, and without him noticing. Good luck!
Posted by Ladyluck on May 6, 2013 at 4:18 PM · Report this
treacle 6
I would guess that any sexually active boy would pretty much know that it was a queef, and not a "botty burp" (fart). So with that in mind, Dan's suggested long apology "omg! sorry! queef not fart! ice cream?" involves far too much talking. In my experience, a queef happens, both parties laugh it off (because sometimes sex is so damn silly!), and we keep going. NBD.

Any boy worth his salt will simply recognize it's a natural thing and make a non-issue out of it. It's hardly anyone's fault that needs any apology.
Posted by treacle on May 6, 2013 at 4:22 PM · Report this
this guy I know in Spokane 7
"Michelle Malkin"?
Posted by this guy I know in Spokane on May 6, 2013 at 4:31 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 8
i had a GF that did that on purpose & thought it was hilarious. its just air, NBD.
Posted by Max Solomon on May 6, 2013 at 4:51 PM · Report this
9
Queefs as a result of sexual intercourse are hot, at least to me, I don't get the problem.
Posted by notafetishistjusthuman on May 6, 2013 at 5:06 PM · Report this
10
Dammit, now I want to know what the proper plural of "queef" is.
Posted by Action Kate on May 6, 2013 at 5:20 PM · Report this
jBee 11
I'm with @6... and might have been @8's GF. BFD. If you're not comfortable with your body, you're not mature enough to have sex, much less live with a partner.
Posted by jBee on May 6, 2013 at 5:24 PM · Report this
12
I'm with @6, give a quick "heh" or "whoops" to acknowledge it and stay focused on the sexy times. I mean, sex itself involves silly air noises sometimes; we just change position, we don't go for ice cream.
http://thewelltimedperiod.blogspot.com/2…
Posted by EricaP on May 6, 2013 at 5:32 PM · Report this
seandr 13
What is a girl to do

If you queef, that means your vagina is broken.

However, thanks to modern medicine you can get it fixed by having a system of valves, fans, and exhaust vents surgically installed into your uterine cavity, which redirect the air away from the labia, through a charcoal filtration system designed to remove the biotoxins, and ultimately out your naval, where it passes noiselessly and harmlessly.
Posted by seandr on May 6, 2013 at 5:41 PM · Report this
Roma 14
I wanted the ground to open up real wide and swallow me whole.

If you lived in Florida, that could happen.
Posted by Roma on May 6, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
15
Yeah, the rest of these commenters are right - I can't imagine a queef situation in which a boner would be lost, an ice cream break would be had, or an anxious email would be sent to a gay sex-advice columnist. Ridiculous. Laugh it off and adjust your positioning.
Posted by dchari on May 6, 2013 at 5:47 PM · Report this
Alanmt 16
It happens. no big deal. don't make it one.

However, if someone mentions Michelle Malkin in my bedroom during intimacy, they are getting defenestrated.
Posted by Alanmt on May 6, 2013 at 5:49 PM · Report this
Max Solomon 17
@11: is that you julie p?
Posted by Max Solomon on May 6, 2013 at 6:33 PM · Report this
Catherwood 18
@10 May I propose "queeves".

And yeah, if your sex doesn't make you laugh sometimes, you're missing out. Last time I was in Babeland (ahem) they had a nice poster of rules for sex: one of them was something like "sex can be funny". Live it, and enjoy the laughs along the way.
Posted by Catherwood on May 6, 2013 at 6:34 PM · Report this
19
LOL terrible answer Dan but LOL.

Queef your freaking out over nothing, no scratch that, your freaking out over receiving a good fucking. Your BF was clearly banging you good, that is why you had multiple queefs when the two of you switched positions, Queef.

My guess is your BF lost his erection because your attempt to laugh it off was lame and he picked up on your embarrassment / anxiety. Good boy friend he cuddled and calmed you down. Bad girlfriend you freaked out and scuttled a good fuck, bad Queef, bad.

Now Queef as a Gay guy, I find it hot when the guy I'm fucking queefs when I pull out and we change positions (yes guys queef too, remember air pumped by the motion of dick in hole).

The solution to your problem is simple. Change your mindset, queefing isn't embarrassing or shameful it is HOT, it is a result of you and your BF doing it right and really tapping it. Be proud, congratulate him for making you queef, tell him to do it again and throw your legs up. It is SEX MUSIC Queef don't stop keep dancing.

Oh and go buy the Joy of Sex or some other such positive sex and the body book.
Posted by Machiavelli was framed on May 6, 2013 at 6:39 PM · Report this
sirkowski 20
(Asexual bodies make noises too... but no one is there to hear them.)

I laughed out loud.
Posted by sirkowski http://www.missdynamite.com on May 6, 2013 at 6:41 PM · Report this
21
I'm sorry, but if I was with a guy and he didn't fall apart laughing when something like that happened, I would have to dump him.
Posted by JrzWrld on May 6, 2013 at 6:47 PM · Report this
JenRN 22
@13, Re: Broken vagina/install vents and filtrations system. Bwahahahahaha!!!!! Thank you! That was hilarious!

Posted by JenRN http://https://www.facebook.com/jennifer.pickering3 on May 6, 2013 at 7:31 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 23
You know who loses their boner when they hear a queef? Guys who don't really like pussy all that much. If at all. Also known as homosexuals. Closet cases.

Remember closet cases? They didn't all go away because some Republican turd acknowledged his gay son. They're still out there, fucking women, pretending they're into it. Freaking out and getting flaccid when women to womanly things and pussy acts like pussy.

This isn't one of those "what do I do" Savage love letters. This is one of those "how gay is my ostensibly straight boyfriend" letters.

Straight guys looooooooooove pussy. Love. It.
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn http://youtu.be/zu-akdyxpUc on May 6, 2013 at 7:59 PM · Report this
Hulk 24
HULK HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPEN! (ORIGIN OF DAN'S 'RUPTURED EARDRUMS' REFERENCE)!
Posted by Hulk Http://www.tinyurl.com/lonely-hulk on May 6, 2013 at 8:30 PM · Report this
25
Holy hell she acts like an actual fart would be world ending. Get a grip, lady. You know what else can happen? You (or anyone) might really need to fart while getting head. Muscles relaxing and stuff. A simple "hey baby come kiss me" plus two people mature enough to just keep going, usually does the trick.

Posted by wxPDX on May 6, 2013 at 8:39 PM · Report this
26
I agree with those who say NBD. Queef Free, baby!

http://youtu.be/iCTLL9CZ3y4

For the entire episode: http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-epi…

You are woman, and you are free to queef!
Posted by SherBee on May 6, 2013 at 8:56 PM · Report this
secretagent 27
Certain dudes do it in particular ways that make this happen. It's something about the angles and the amount of withdrawal between strokes, god knows. It makes sense if you realize that the vagina swells and enlarges during arousal, and more space for p = more space for air, too. One of my past partners did this, and though we were both fine about the noise, it felt weird and uncomfortable, so I would just kind of reach down and let the air out. So don't stress about it, just start paying attention and figure out how it happens and fix it.

Also, ditto to the above. Sex is a weird sometimes sweaty, sticky, bodily fluid filled adventure - noises and smells and all kinds of things are going to happen. The worst thing you can do is freak out. Laugh it off and if he can't, he'll have to go fuck some boring betty who is so worried about how she looks and acts that nary a noise (or orgasm) escapes.
Posted by secretagent on May 6, 2013 at 8:57 PM · Report this
28
@1 reminds me that the comments here always make me so happy that Dan is the one answering the letters.
Posted by LJM on May 6, 2013 at 9:35 PM · Report this
Sandiai 29
Can you just put on some music?

About the plural of queef, please let it be "queeves." Tangentially-related, I'm reminded of my English teacher in high school who didn't know that rule, and called wolves and leaves, for example, "wolfs" and "leafs." The memory of this nice old lady, a native speaker and a well-read English teacher saying "wolfs" still makes me giggle.

(And yes, before anyone tries to correct me, I know context is important. These were "wolves" in a Jack London novel. I know, I know, "he wolfs his food" and "a fleet of Leafs" is also correct for what they are. This was an English teacher that didn't know how to plurify words ending in "f", I kid you not).
Posted by Sandiai on May 6, 2013 at 10:10 PM · Report this
30
I paused the other day in the middle of sex to fart. The fart was let out (it was causing some real discomfort) and the sex went on. Like life. If you can't make funny and awkward noises around your boyfriend after 20 MONTHS.... Girl, you got a problem. And why did he lose his boner??? So weird. Get over yourselves already and enjoy your gross and funny-noised humanity. It's ok. It doesn't have to end the world OR your sex-having! It just happens!! I always feel better after queefing. Let it all out lovey. It's ok.
Posted by Mer-Mer on May 6, 2013 at 10:20 PM · Report this
31
How about: just ignore it and keep on truckin'?
Pretty sure that's all that's ever happened in my life.
Posted by CLDG on May 6, 2013 at 10:28 PM · Report this
32
I disagree about the guffaw. Context is important, true, but some of the best sex I can remember was immediately following the two of us caught helpless in a laugh-til-your-eyes-are-streaming-and-your-sides-ache sexual moment. (Something involving a recollection of seeing the camels really going at it at the zoo, including speculating on whether the length of the strings of saliva hanging from their mouths to the dirt was an indication of how much they were enjoying it.)

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Posted by avast2006 on May 6, 2013 at 10:42 PM · Report this
33
Fucking straight people, man. Sometimes air gets worked into body cavities if you thrust into it with a longish cylindrical thing. Then the air comes back out. Jesus Christ.
Posted by fuckingair on May 6, 2013 at 10:46 PM · Report this
34
Richard Pryor addressed this phenomenon more than thirty years ago. "Women... can regroup off of anything. You ever be making love and air get in the pussy? *makes loud fart sounds* Women recover beautiful: 'It's talkin' to ya, daddy!' "
In the decades since I first heard that routine, I have had occasion to use that line a couple of times. Still good for a laugh.
Posted by unregistered scuzz on May 6, 2013 at 11:18 PM · Report this
35
Ah, they're cute when they're young eh?
Posted by Lynx on May 7, 2013 at 12:14 AM · Report this
Knat 36
I'd prefer to hope this is a joke letter by someone that saw the "Eat, Pray, Queef" episode of South Park and decided to have a little fun with Dan, and not an actual problem by two people "mature" enough to be having regular sex. I'm glad that Dan led with the questions he did.

@16: Today I learned there's actually a single word for being thrown out a window. Wow.

Applause to all the other hilarious responses to be found in the comments.
Posted by Knat on May 7, 2013 at 1:24 AM · Report this
sissoucat 37
Strange that the guy lost his boner over, of all things, a queef - which is a only-happens-in-sex noise...

As a commenter previously noted, farts can happen too, because of muscle release during orgasms. It's more embarrassing, but some guys take it as meaning that you're losing control over your body parts because sex is that good. So even farts are no big deal, actually, although acknowledging one's uneasiness when they happen is mere politeness.
Posted by sissoucat on May 7, 2013 at 1:39 AM · Report this
artdyke 38
Take a break? Sounds like those boner funerals you so wisely advise against, Dan. The boy should have gone right down on her.
Posted by artdyke on May 7, 2013 at 3:08 AM · Report this
39
This is stupid. It happens, laugh it off an move on. That has NEVER stopped my husband.
Posted by Meg84 on May 7, 2013 at 5:45 AM · Report this
Indighost 40
I don't see what the fuss is about, I always thought those noises were cute and fun.
Posted by Indighost on May 7, 2013 at 5:48 AM · Report this
Katia 41
@10, queeves? :)

Seriously, if this LW is not 16 then I have no words. If your dude is losing wood over queefs, wait until you fart while you're coming.
Posted by Katia on May 7, 2013 at 7:03 AM · Report this
--MC 42
Do this? If you have to fart during sex, please aim it away from your partner, unless you both like it like that.
Posted by --MC on May 7, 2013 at 7:07 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 43
I've always been too into my partner to care what noises our bodies make. If you say "Pussy Fart!" really loud and laugh, you'll be more comfartable in the future. Btw, I bet your BF has a nice sized cock.
Posted by Pope Peabrain on May 7, 2013 at 7:29 AM · Report this
Helix 44
People give a shit about that rather than just laughing and continuing to fuck?

Must be teenagers.
Posted by Helix on May 7, 2013 at 10:27 AM · Report this
45
@38, I second on what the BF should've done. Anything to show the "afflicted" that she was still desired would've been appropriate.

QUEEF, sex is supposed to be fun. While sometimes it seems impossible, try to relax and let go. I agree with @32 avast, sex while you're breathless laughing can be AMAZING.

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on May 7, 2013 at 10:32 AM · Report this
46
People stop over a queef? Wow.
Posted by catherine_si on May 7, 2013 at 11:12 AM · Report this
aureolaborealis 47
@10, 41: Queeves or Quiffen.
Collective noun: Eyjafjallajökull
Posted by aureolaborealis on May 7, 2013 at 11:14 AM · Report this
48
poor LW. queefing is hilarious. it won't be your last.
Posted by hereiswheremynamegoes on May 7, 2013 at 1:17 PM · Report this
49
Yeah, I'm with whoever said that he probably didn't lose his boner because the girl queefed but because she was so freaking traumatized about it. Really, it's fine to be a little embarrassed, but move the fuck on and get on with the fucking because it's just not a big deal.
Posted by alguna_rubia on May 7, 2013 at 2:07 PM · Report this
Geni 50
Jesus, you didn't just crap the bed, you involuntarily released a little trapped air. I used to date a guy who could tell when air was getting trapped - it happened a lot with him, for me and apparently had with other women, too - and he'd just casually do a proactive release with two fingers. Even if you get to the point of a machine-gun series of squeaks, so what? There are no toxins, no foul effluent, no poisonous gases. It's a little trapped air. Say, "oops, guess we got some air trapped during that last maneuver - wanna try it again?" because if you're getting air trapped, you're doing some vigorous monkeysex, IME.
Posted by Geni on May 7, 2013 at 2:36 PM · Report this
51
Add my vote to those who think BF's loss of erection was due at least as much to LW's obvious mortification as it was to the actual sound. It is kind of hard to keep fucking someone who all of a sudden clearly wants the ground to open wide and swallow her whole.

Okay, once he lost his boner I'm sure that made her feel even worse, which then made him feel bad about making her feel bad, and it all went downhill from there. But ... a half hour before you could look him in the eye? Seriously? For god's sake, it would have been far better to try to look him in the eye only to dissolve in helpless giggles. Preferably several times.

New Rule: Sex Is Not Supposed To Be Dignified.
Posted by avast2006 on May 7, 2013 at 4:03 PM · Report this
52
Guess what, honey. It will happen again. Also, you will poop yourself during childbirth. Some things just happen.
Posted by PinkMotorcyle on May 7, 2013 at 6:42 PM · Report this
53
Interesting existential issue about asexual queefs. If a queef happens in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

I did have a girlfriend in college who could make herself queef without sexual intercourse, just using the muscles of her vaginal wall when she lay in a certain position. I think her record was 16 queefs in a row. Sort of like those people who can burp the alphabet. She and I thought the whole thing was hilarious, so it made no problem in our sex life.
Posted by wellokaythen on May 8, 2013 at 3:49 PM · Report this
54
In my admittedly limited experience, there's an audible difference between a fart and a queef, so an explanation is rarely needed.
Posted by wellokaythen on May 8, 2013 at 3:50 PM · Report this
55
Sit down with your boyfriend and watch The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.
Wait for the King of the Moon scene.
Then take him to bed and don't worry about it.

(or keep watching...it's a good movie...)
Posted by Kije on May 8, 2013 at 7:52 PM · Report this
56
Perhaps he said "I'm sorry" because he's under the mistaken impression that his penis emits gas. Then she laughed at herself but he thought she was laughing at him and that's what killed his erection.

Gotta consider all the possibilities.

Or he's a blow-up doll and sprung a penile air leak while inside her, causing her to queef. He's programmed to say random phrases like "No, those don't make your ass look fat" and "Let me wash the dishes tonight", and "I'm sorry" just happened to be next-up in the rotation. She laughed (which didn't make any difference because he's plastic) but the air leak did cause him to go flaccid. And she's a bit psycho so she's correlated these independent events into an narrative to send to Dan.

Posted by Anastasia Beaverhausen on May 8, 2013 at 8:04 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 57
Give it another year, when you repeatedly sleep-fart next to him queefs will be the least of your worries. Also he will eventually see you poo.

This is one of those silly threads where age and living with a partner will work the "issues" of dealing with another human's biology out, one hopes.
Posted by undead ayn rand on May 8, 2013 at 11:41 PM · Report this
58
@57:
Ahh yes, the clarion call of morning...

Peace
Posted by Married in MA on May 9, 2013 at 9:08 AM · Report this

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