You know what I did when I came back to find you, my best friend, sleeping with my boyfriend? I smiled. I smiled because I knew I now had a reason to take that fucking poodle of yours, put it in my car, and throw it out the window onto the road while on the 520 bridge. Oh! How calm my life is now! No more rude boyfriend, no more bitchy best friend, and most of all—no more fucking yippy, scratchy, leg-humping shitshow! Do you know how many times I've wanted to do what I did last night? You are going to read this, and part of you will know it is me; but you'll never be able to prove it, you bitch!