Novelist Ben Marcus Reviews the Audience of His Recent Seattle Reading
Reason for visiting Seattle on April 17: To deliver an emotion-removal demonstration.
Number of persons attending the demonstration: 78.
Name of woman who left early, whose hair was all the author saw: Kim.
Reason for leaving: Boredom.
Regret felt by Kim: Unknown.
Speculation of regret felt by Kim: Precisely none.
Names of people author invited to leave before reading began: Carl and Tina.
Number of people who left at that time: 0.
Regret felt: Massive.
Actual population of Carls in attendance: 3.
Number of these Carls who were, or are, female: 0.
Reason author sought to clear the room of people before reading began: Fear, fear, fear.
Number of times author was asked if he'd written something he did not in fact write: 2.
Names of authors who did write what the author was asked if he wrote: Ben Metcalf and Matt Derby.
Number of copies of The Nanny Diaries sold upstairs while author delivered his 19-minute reading: 19.
Ranking of Marcus System Enterprises as an emotion-removal organization, according to Crain's newsletter: Before reading began: 4th. After reading ended: 6th.
General mood of audience before reading: Expectation.
General mood of audience after reading: Disappointment.
Reason for exchanging addresses with young girl accompanied by her mother: To become audio pen pals.
What, according to girl, would be recorded on these audio tapes: Just whatever.
Number of times author established eye contact with his actual sister, about whose death he was reading: 17.
Number of times author's actual sister remarked on her own nervousness, well after reading had ended and the car was moving toward the airport, where the author would later be drooled on by an overlarge man as he failed to sleep his way through the red-eye to Philadelphia: 3.
Reason author's actual sister claimed for her nervousness: Everyone was looking at me.
Actual number of people actually looking at author's sister, other than the author: 0.
Number of people author recognized vaguely but only pretended to remember: 1.
When author had met that person: Earlier that day.
Phrase used by most attractive person in attendance after having book signed: Rock on.
What author failed to do for several days after the reading, and continues to fail to do: Rock on.
Writer's name author was asked to help remember, in reference apparently to author's own writing, though the connection was never overtly made: Russell Edson.
E-mails received by author in reference to event, now some two weeks later: 0.
What author claimed was inserted in his mouth to assist his presentation: A mouth brace.
What was actually in author's mouth to assist his presentation: A mouth brace.
Reason for use of mouth brace: Author's mouth had heretofore been ruined by excess use of consonants.
Number of potentially ruined mouths author observed in audience: 23.
Times author peed during the 30 minutes preceding the reading: 3.
Date given for the release of an eighth vowel into the Seattle night sky: Late July.
Amended date for the release of an eighth vowel into the Seattle night sky: Tonight.
Name author gave for himself later that night when drooling man on airplane suddenly awoke and demanded to exchange introductions: Russell Edson.