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Cheated-On Dude
First of all, that âI only did it because you left and I missed you and wanted to feel special even if only for a momentâ line is a CROCK OF SHIT. Christ, I hope you didnât fall for that.
As for the rest of your letterâŠ
Hereâs the problem: You love this woman, she cheated on you, and she is going to cheat on you again. To her credit, your girlfriend put all her cards on the tableâsheâs messed around on every guy sheâs been with and, whatâs more, she âdoubtsâ sheâll ever be able to stop. Letâs read between the lines, shall we? When she says she âdoubts she could ever stop cheating,â what she means is, âI like cheating, it turns me on, and I have no intention of ever being faithful to you or any other man.â Is she a terrible person? No. Should you dump her? Depends. She leveled with youâwhich is more than most serial adulterers ever doâand now you get to make an informed decision: Do you want to be with the most amazing woman in the world, COD, even if this amazing woman cheats on you regularly? Or do you want to dump her and go ïŹnd someone less amazing but more faithful?
Reading your letter reminded me of a desperately sexy guy I met last year when I was doing some research for my next book. Zacâan amazingly good-looking 28-year-old guyâwas going out with Megan, a 32-year-old lawyer. After they had been dating for six months, Megan laid her cards on the table: As much as she loved him, Megan could only be with Zac if she could have sex with other guys once in a while. Not with tons of other guys (weâre not talking Catherine M. numbers), but Megan would sleep with at least two or three guys every year. But there was more: Despite the fact that she had no intention of being faithful to Zac, she could only be with him if he promised to be faithful to her.
Was Megan being unfair? Yes. Did Megan have a double standard? You bet. Was she doing the right thing by Zac? Absolutely. She was straightforward: He could be with her and be cheated on, or ïŹnd someone else. Most men wouldâve walked out the door (âShe can cheat on me but I canât cheat on her? Fuck that!â), and at ïŹrst Zac was pretty upset by Meganâs ultimatum.
âAfter the shock wore off,â Zac told me, âI admitted to myself that I didnât really want to sleep with other women, so I told her okay.â He doesnât get jealous? âI did at ïŹrst, but when she did sleep with other guys, she would come home and tell me about it, and I would get so fucking horny-slash-angry that we would have the most amazing sex. Pretty soon I wasnât angry when she fucked around, just horny.â
It was a good thing that Zac was just horny by the time he proposed to Megan, a year after her ultimatum. She agreed on one condition: The mutual friend who introduced them, a man with whom Megan regularly âcheatedâ on Zac, would be Zacâs best manâand on their wedding night, Megan would fuck the best man, not the groom. âThat Zac agreed to it kind of sealed the deal for me,â Megan told me. âI knew that he was the right guy for me.â
Ah, love.
âOur deal is weird,â Zac told me when I called recently to ask how things were going. âShe has total sexual autonomy, but I donât have any at all. I guess Iâm submissive to her, even if I donât have to eat dinner out of a dog dish or anything freaky. Guys who read this will think Iâm a freak, but it turns me on and it turns her on, so fuck what other people think.â
So whatâs the lesson here for you? If ïŹdelity is important to you, break up with this woman immediately. She may be amazing, but sheâll never, ever be faithful. But if youâre crazy in love with her, and you can stand the thought of sharing her, well, fuck what other people think. And maybe with time and reasonable safeguards, you guys can turn this amazing womanâs need to cheat on you into something that enhances your shared sex life, just as Zac and Megan have. Unlike Megan, however, your girlfriend may agree to a co-equal, even-steven open relationship; perhaps you could go to swingersâ parties together, and she could screw around with other guys while you mess around with other women. Or if swingersâ parties hold no appeal, you would be free to cheat on her when you go out of town since you know for a fact sheâll be cheating on you.
Good luck, COD.
Dan! Whatever happened with the tighty-whities contest? Two weeks ago you said you were having trouble contacting the winner, and thereâs been no update since. What gives?
Love âEm Tight and White
And the winner is⊠BRENT, of Miami, Florida.
For those of you who visited the tightywhitiesarehot.com and voted, Brent was the guy in the white tank with the goofy smile. His winning picture is now online at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com.
Brentâs picture was entered in the contest by his boyfriend, without Brentâs consent. Brent and his boyfriend broke up during the contest, which is too bad for Brentâs ex-boyfriendâïŹrst, because Brentâs fucking hot, and second, because Brentâs boyfriend wonât be going to Vegas with Brent.
âIâll get him a nice present,â Brent told me when I ïŹnallyâFINALLY!âgot him on the phone. âBut I think it would be awkward if he came along.â
Here are some fun Brent facts: Brent grew up on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, he works in mergers and acquisitions, heâs gay as a goose, he says heâs shy, and his big unrealized fantasies are taking part in a SAFE orgy and getting tied up sometime. Brent prefers TWs because boxers bunch up, and he intends to wear TWs for as long as heâs thin. Brent got half a million votes, but swears he didnât cheat. âSomeone was stufïŹng the ballot box for me,â he says. âBut it wasnât me!â
Finally, since Brent and his boyfriend broke up, Brent needs a date for our trip to Las Vegas. That person could be YOU. No, no, no: Itâs not another contest. God fucking forbid. If you want to be Brentâs date in Vegas, all you have to do is e-mail your picture, a nice letter, and three references to takemetovegasbrent@hotmail.com. Brent will look through the mail and pick someone to accompany him to Vegas. Good luck, guys. n