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I am a single parent with a wonderful 15-year-old son. My son's father, my ex, is a gay man. We've accepted this and we love him dearly, but there are issues affecting my son that my ex is ignoring. My ex has also been diagnosed with HIV. This was heartbreaking news for all of us. Now my ex has announced that he is undergoing hormonal treatments to become a woman. He kept his therapy and the entire process a secret until two weeks ago. My son is deeply disturbed by this, and I don't know how to help him. Basically, he is angry.
I'm not saying that my ex should put his life on hold for us, but he has blatantly disregarded how his choices affect our son. Our son was told about his dad's sexuality when he was younger. But as he got older, he began to fully understand the hatred, bigotry, and ignorance in our society when it comes to having a gay loved one. Unfortunately, his father has flaunted his sexuality in inappropriate settings (school), and other children have noticed. I've explained to my ex that I'm not asking him to give up who he is, but to be more aware of how his behavior affects our son's life.
Stranger Personals
Dan, what can I do? My ex has hit us with one thing after another. My son is truly upset at the prospect of having two moms. I don't know how to make my ex see that it's not just about him.
Heartsore And Saddened
On the one hand, HAS, I want to tell your son that it's not his father's fault that some people are hateful and ignorant. Your ex shouldn't have to hide his sexuality at your son's school any more than my boyfriend and I hide our sexuality at our son's school. (We also don't flaunt our sexuality--i.e., we don't make out at parent-teacher conferences, and we don't wear those hi-fucking-larious "Pitcher" and "Catcher" T-shirts when we have his friends over for a playdate.) It simply isn't fair for your son to hold the existence of anti-gay bigots against his father, and I sincerely hope my son won't hold their existence against me.
On the other hand...
Divorced parents, gay dad, the HIV bombshell... and now, so suddenly, a woman. That's an awful lot for a high-school-age kid, especially a boy, to deal with. The tranny activists are going to jump down my throat for this, but... it seems to me that your ex could've put off the sex change until after his son was out of high school. One of the things parents are supposed to do is make sacrifices, big and small, for the sake of their children. And while I think people have a right to do pretty much as they please (and parents are people), I also believe that children have a right to some stability and constancy from the adults in their lives. Perhaps I'm a transphobic bigot, but I honestly think waiting a measly 36 months to cut your dick is a sacrifice any father should be willing to make for his 15-year-old son. Call me old-fashioned.
Unfortunately, your ex wasn't willing to make that sacrifice (selfish tranny!), or it never occurred to him to make that sacrifice (stupid tranny!). So what do you tell your son? Tell him his father can do what he likes--suck dick and flaunt it, get his dick cut off and flaunt that. If dear ol' Dad chooses to live as a woman, well, there's not a lot you or your son can do about it. But guess what? Your son is old enough to do what he likes, and if he chooses to live without speaking to or seeing his father, well, there's not a whole lot his father can do about that. If your son can't deal with having his dad/mom/whatever around right now, support him and tell his dad/mom/whatever to leave the two of you alone for the time being.
Don't get me wrong, HAS: I hope that in the long run your son eventually accepts his dad/mom/whatever and forgives his dad/ mom/whatever for being imperfect. When your son is an adult, he'll hopefully be able to forgive his dad/mom/whatever for his selfish decision to run off and have a sex-change operation when his only son, like all teenagers, was struggling with his own identity and didn't need to struggle with his father's identity.
From the tedious "Gor" fanatics in Yahoo! chatrooms to the cynics in charge of ALT.com, the web has been useless in helping me further my goal of finding a nice, non-fucked-up yuppie dominatrix. It would be easier for me to find a sadistic male master, I think, if I were gay. I am jealous of gay culture on this score, but bellyaching serves no purpose. Will I ever find an abusive female partner? Or are statistics working against me?
Sadly Undominated Bottom
Since sexually dominant women are rare, SUB, finding one can be difficult. So why not make one? Meet a nice, non-fucked-up yuppie woman, and once you've determined that you like her, let her know about your kinks. Don't be creepy about it; most sophisticated women, yuppie or otherwise, are aware that there are kinky men out there. So there's no need to make a tearful confession. Instead, initiate an upbeat, alcohol-fueled conversation about her turn-ons, your turn-ons, her wildest experiences, your wildest experiences, her ultimate fantasies, your ultimate fantasies, etc. You might have to repeat this process with two or three women before you meet one who is either willing or aching to abuse you. Good luck.
Every once in a while you print a letter from a desperate reader who needs help pulling off a hard-to-realize fantasy. I hope you'll help a nice, normal gay couple out. My boyfriend of five years wants to be ordered around and, um, fucked completely senseless by a hot, muscular, older, prematurely gray daddy type. (I'm not the daddy type myself, sadly.) My boyfriend is 29, with a beautiful face, a hot body, and the world's greatest butt--and he wants this daddy-type guy to be straight and/or married. I told you this was a tall order.
We've seen lots of letters in your column from "mostly" straight married guys who want some gay action on the side. If there's one out there reading this, we'd love to hear from him. We've been monogamous up to this point, we're HIV negative, and we're looking for total discretion. (We don't want our friends to know about this any more than our ideal straight guy, if he's out there, wants his wife to know about it.) If a good-looking, mostly straight, in-great-shape, gray-haired Savage Love fan out there wants the occasional boy on the side, he should drop us a note! For our sign-off, could you print our e-mail address? Thanks, Dan!
PS: You're probably wondering what's in this for me. My boyfriend will love me for making this happen, and I would really get off on watching.
Actually, daddyformyboyfriend@yahoo.com, I'm wondering what's in this for me. I guess it gets my good deed for the calendar year 2003 out of the way, but that's about it. You're welcome.
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Piss off.
But if I were you, I would, above all, figure out why the hell you are so transphobic. What are you frightened of? Why do you feel personally affronted? And why, above all, do you feel the need to inflict this condition of yours on the rest of the world? It makes you as bad as homophobic Bible belters, and at least they have their misguided pastors to blame, you have zero excuses.
So I hope you read this, you tosser.
This shouldn't be hard to imagine. All teenagers do this, and if you're honest with yourself, you probably remember examples of your behavior from when you were that age that meet this description.
So imagine what happens to you when you have to defend your father to friends, or whatever you call the people you have to interact with at school. Imagine the feelings of isolation. Imagine how you'd cope - shame? Anger? All of the above, directed at your dad, which only compounds the complexity of these feelings? think about how alone all of that would make you feel.
Furthermore, imagine what your reaction is when your father - someone who, in the midst of all this, you genuinely need him to be there for you as a role model, or at least a stable confidant, adviser, as a trustworthy friend, more than anyone - decides, during your sophomore year of high school, to start making drastic changes in his life. Imagine he starts redefining himself socially and personally, and then even physiologically, setting aside more and more of his time to undergo extensive hormone regimen and (possibly) also planning feminizing and genitoplastic surgery.
Dan Savage is not a transphobe - not in this situation, and not at all. You're reacting to your feelings about words he used that make you uncomfortable. You don't want to admit that these words have emotional power over you, so you're trying to make the argument that using certain words (such as "tranny") alone, or that using coarse, unflattering language (like in Savage's pithy characterization of the surgery - which granted, may have been a little distasteful) are sufficient to mark someone as a biggot. That way, you think you have a genuine example of prejudice to be angry about. It seems like you want this argument to be sound. So you seem to imagine that Savage is a biggot who makes exceptions for homosexuality only because that is his particular sexual taste.
And the reality is: he isn't a biggot, and he doesn't have exceptional views about himself or homosexuals in general. Don't like hearing the word "tranny"? Then don't read savage's column. He doesn't always use "nice" language. But you're way off base if that's your evidence that Savage hates transsexuals. I suppose that Savage and other homosexuals probably harbored a similar distaste for the word "faggot," but it didn't stop the man from opening every single column up until 1999 with the phrase "Hey Faggot!" He actually wanted to title his column "Hey, Faggot!" and would have if his publishers hadn't said no.
If defining categories of people with nasty words is enough to diagnose legitimate hatred for those groups, then Savage would seem to be directing hatred toward himself. So, extending this reasoning, you'll now find yourself grasping for an explanation as to why a self-hating homosexual would dedicate his life to writing a column geared for both a queer and heterosexual audience - and furthermore, why he would use such a column as a forum for acceptance, harmony and sexual health.
It's just my opinion here - but it seems to me that that dog won't hunt. Dan Savage may be one of the sanest people you know.
If anyone ended up a biggot as a result of this, I'm guessing it was this kid. If his divorcee dad went through with gender reassignment, that's one thing - but if he didn't go way out of his way and make a sincere, serious effort to try and salvage his relationship with his son (perhaps, even if he did make such an effort), then that kid may have developed some serious. issues. with transgendered people. Because every single transgendered person he meets in his adult life may have reminded him of that lonely, angry period when his dad wasn't there for him. And any and all resentment this kid had bottled up for his father over all this, I'm guessing he's gonna have a really, really hard time keeping all that baggage separate from his feelings about innocent transgendered strangers he meets in the course of his life.
Do yourself a justice and give Savage some credit. Don't be such a knee-jerk.
Since ya'll are stunned by Dan's lack of senstitivity here, I'll just say this...I'm stunned by your lack of sensitivity to the kid. Three years is nothing. This kid is in pain. What dad does now will affect what SHOULD be the most important person in his/her life, and it will impact their relationship forever. Imagine this kid ten years later saying one of two things... "thanks for waiting" or... "why couldn't you wait three measley years?" He can create distance or gratitude here. And yes, I think he is being incredibly self-centered.
Dan's not transphobic, he's just a fucking GOOD parent. This guy/gal gave up the right to do whatever the hell he/she pleased when he made a kid. Deal with it.
well, I prefer the term cissexist, but yeah. You are. What was your first clue? Was it your complete lack of respect for trans* identities? Or your utter disregard for the lived experiences of trans* people and/or those dealing with gender dysphoria?
I won't bombard you with facts about the many ways in which trans* people face oppression, you've been told before. At this point I expect nothing more from you than willful ignorance and purposeful misgendering. I'm so thankful you aren't representative of my experiences with the LGBTQ* community.
(For the record: I know this is old, but I only just had the misfortune of reading it.)
well, I prefer the term cissexist, but yeah. You are. What was your first clue? Was it your complete lack of respect for trans* identities? Or your utter disregard for the lived experiences of trans* people and/or those dealing with gender dysphoria?
I won't bombard you with facts about the many ways in which trans* people face oppression, you've been told before. At this point I expect nothing more from you than willful ignorance and purposeful misgendering. I'm so thankful you aren't representative of my experiences with the LGBTQ* community.
(For the record: I know this is old, but I only just had the misfortune of reading it.)
if you weren't so completely wrapped up in yourself, you might realize that the intense vitriol you receive from the trans community is the anger felt by those who want to be able to ally with you but can't because of your dismissive bigotry. maybe you would have the guts to apologize and change your ways, like a decent, sane human being.
but no. you'll ignore this comment, just like all the others, and stay safely locked inside your rich gay yuppie bubble, insulated forever from all criticism or self-doubt.
if you weren't so completely wrapped up in yourself, you might realize that the intense vitriol you receive from the trans community is the anger felt by those who want to be able to ally with you but can't because of your dismissive bigotry. maybe you would have the guts to apologize and change your ways, like a decent, sane human being.
but no. you'll ignore this comment, just like all the others, and stay safely locked inside your rich gay yuppie bubble, insulated forever from all criticism or self-doubt.
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I'm guessing he would have asked exactly how he "flaunted his sexuality" and would have pointed out to the son how hard it was for his dad to come out.
There is nothing in the letter to indicate that the Ex is anywhere near "cutting his dick" (way to find the most offensive way to refer to reassignment surgery Dan) and Dan should have pointed out that transitioning is a long process and the son will have to come to terms about it.
Overall, this letter could have been Dan's chance to show the world he isn't Transphobic, instead he just gives the Trans activists more reasons to glitter bomb him.
19
Goodness me. Some people have their panties in quite a knot. Get a life.
olshanski
*Face palm*
I also can't figure out how you managed to write so many columns in a week. It would take me 10 years to write this many columns.
I also can't figure out how in one column you hold a contest and then in the next column you already have the results of the contest. Its like a crazy time warp going on with these columns.
This rant was brought to you by audible.com the inter net's leader in spoken....
If you're a teenager, and your body is actively in the process of developing and changing for the worst, then by all means, transition as soon as possible.
But if your body is already as developed as it'll get, is it really unreasonable to delay it by a few years, tops? I mean, the hormones take a while to have noticeable effect anyways. High schoolers are notoriously bigoted, and most transkids are in constant fear of violence in their schools. Is it far-fetched to imagine that maybe some of the dumber, more insecure students might treat the son of a "tranny" to the same violence? It's not even necessarily a matter of the kid's personal comfort. Depending on the area, it can be a matter of the kid's physical safety, which as a parent, you do have a duty to protect.
If the father/mother (not sure which term to use at this point) plans to avoid the school, and not be seen by the son's friends, that's one thing, and then I'd have to agree that whether or not it makes the kid angry, he's well within his rights to transition anytime. In matters that could directly impact the kid's safety though... it's a valid argument, is what I'm saying.
Side point to, to Dan... I haven't been through all the archives, so I don't know if it's been addressed... but I'd be really careful using "tranny". Lots of people find it offensive, and in this case, it didn't really add to your argument any more than "transgender" or "transperson", etc, would have. I'd really only use "tranny" when the term itself is being discussed.
So? What do you do with the facts of life? The logical choice would be to do what you're here for - LIVE. Deal with it, take it as it comes, do the best you can, and enjoy what's left. Don't want it that way? Fine, go kill yourself.
I don't believe anyone can be saved.
I don't believe anyone can be spared.
But,some(more probably most)of us like the IDEA of ourselves when we try. And we just LOVE it when it looks like we did "the good deed". That, however, never actually happens, not in the real live universe anyway. Ultimately, no one ever does anything because "of" or "for" anyone else. You do it all for you. Any other interpretation, besides being dishonest and unnatural, is just plain denial of the coincidental time/event overlaps, which we rationalize in our favor. Or if such may be our preference - to the contrary of our favor.
Final summation: who gives a shit if someone insults you, if your dad turns to a "mom", if a meteor falls on your car?
Of course, YOU do. Obviously, the punch can't be in that. Well, it's in the WHY. Why do you care? Naturally, you can't be indifferent - it's all about you, isn't it - but why would you ever think it's supposed to be different? And than there's the WHERE too. Where do all the expectations come from? Where did you gather your information? Finally, the big WHO? Who let you believe life doesn't suck? Who made you think that meteors don't fall on good christians, nice people have nice solid families, girls are never ever mistakenly born in male bodies and high school is a pleasant, safe environment.
If you find out, go shoot them (or don't). And not cause they bullshitted you out of any chance of understanding and accepting the facts of life. No, no, they've been lied to and brain washed as well. Shoot them (or don't) because they pretend to give a damn that you're all fucked up now, while they're actually having a ball in their personal little "I tango with misery scenario" and using you as a stunt while they're at it.
And when you're done (and even if you're not), try this for a change: You insult me (or don't), I insult you (or don't), but I don't like you anyway (or I do, but it's just too bad), so I go home and fuck someone I do like, or have at hand, who maybe doesn't like ME, but is willing to take it, or has nothing better to do, or we just like fucking and shut up about the rest. Than when you're finished, have a coke of your choice - because that's one of the rare things in life you can do something about - and think how TODAY sucks a little less than usual, cause you're not bulshitting yourself about caring about bullshit. The end.
P.S always wear sunscreen.
So? What do you do with the facts of life? The logical choice would be to do what you're here for - LIVE. Deal with it, take it as it comes, do the best you can, and enjoy what's left. Don't want it that way? Fine, go kill yourself.
I don't believe anyone can be saved.
I don't believe anyone can be spared.
But,some(more probably most)of us like the IDEA of ourselves when we try. And we just LOVE it when it looks like we did "the good deed". That, however, never actually happens, not in the real live universe anyway. Ultimately, no one ever does anything because "of" or "for" anyone else. You do it all for you. Any other interpretation, besides being dishonest and unnatural, is just plain denial of the coincidental time/event overlaps, which we rationalize in our favor. Or if such may be our preference - to the contrary of our favor.
Final summation: who gives a shit if someone insults you, if your dad turns to a "mom", if a meteor falls on your car?
Of course, YOU do. Obviously, the punch can't be in that. Well, it's in the WHY. Why do you care? Naturally, you can't be indifferent - it's all about you, isn't it - but why would you ever think it's supposed to be different? And than there's the WHERE too. Where do all the expectations come from? Where did you gather your information? Finally, the big WHO? Who let you believe life doesn't suck? Who made you think that meteors don't fall on good christians, nice people have nice solid families, girls are never ever mistakenly born in male bodies and high school is a pleasant, safe environment.
If you find out, go shoot them (or don't). And not cause they bullshitted you out of any chance of understanding and accepting the facts of life. No, no, they've been lied to and brain washed as well. Shoot them (or don't) because they pretend to give a damn that you're all fucked up now, while they're actually having a ball in their personal little "I tango with misery scenario" and using you as a stunt while they're at it.
And when you're done (and even if you're not), try this for a change: You insult me (or don't), I insult you (or don't), but I don't like you anyway (or I do, but it's just too bad), so I go home and fuck someone I do like, or have at hand, who maybe doesn't like ME, but is willing to take it, or has nothing better to do, or we just like fucking and shut up about the rest. Than when you're finished, have a coke of your choice - because that's one of the rare things in life you can do something about - and think how TODAY sucks a little less than usual, cause you're not bulshitting yourself about caring about bullshit. The end.
P.S always wear sunscreen.
Having kids is a major undertaking. It is a giving up of a certain amount of self to raise the kid(s) who didn't ask to be born.
Got married and had a kid with someone of the opposite gender, then figured out you're gay? That sucks. Divorce and try to keep things as smooth as possible for the kid.
Went out and got infected with HIV in this decade? If you weren't raped, fuck you. You are a fucking idiot. We all know how you get HIV and how to avoid it. You owe your kid a huge apology for being a fucking idiot.
Wanna change genders now? Maybe you should go away.
Do you have the right to do so? Yes.
Is it good for your kid? No.
This person has already made several decisions that have been hard on the kid. Continuing to do so is shitty. Just like if I divorced my wife and fucked a never ending stream of of bimbos in front of my kid, then got HIV because I was too much of an asshole to protect myself (and others) I would be a bad influence.
It's not about orientation or gender. It's about responsible behavior, and proper examples.
Getting HIV when you're old enough to have a teen, or flaunting sex, gay or straight at your kid's school are signs of someone who needs to get their shit together and maybe stay away from the kid.
6
Second, way to fail at nuance. Dan's letter to HAS was brilliant, and acknowledged the rights of everyone involved at all times. The MTF in question has every right to do as he wants, says Dan, but it is generally accepted that parents will make sacrifices for their children. Is that false? Of course it isn't. My parents both made sacrifices for me, and I'll make sacrifices for my children someday. And yes, sometimes they might even be of the self-stifling kind. It's just part of creating a new side to your multi-faceted self: the responsible parent side.
4
Take away the transphobic bigot's internet, please. :)
Yes, high school is a very hard time for a teen to go through the process of having a father figure undergo a male-to-female transition, but I would at least think that you would treat her and the entire situation a little more delicately!
Three years is a long time when you're waiting to transition, and yes, it MAY have been better for her to take the hit and make a parental sacrifice for the well-being of her child, but I can't fault her for not waiting. Most times, transgender people have been waiting and dealing with pretty awful feelings their entire lives.
What if this letter had said that the father got divorced and then came out to them as gay, and the mother was complaining that he was putting their son through his coming out. Would you tell the father to stop flaunting his stupid 'ol dick around, stop being a selfish and stupid homo and wait 32 months before coming out? I don't think so. You might've given the same advice about waiting and making sacrifices, but would you have called him a queer, a fag or a homo? These terms are equivalent to tranny, shemale, ladyboy, etc. and you should know that.
It's not that you suggest that she should have waited, it's the sarcasm that's offensive. Saying "Dear 'ol Dad,' the whole "selfish- and stupid-tranny" thing, and the whole reduction of a trans woman's identity and transition to "cut his dick off" is so insulting and made more so by the fact that it comes from a member of the LGBT "community".
It's often said that the T in LGBT is silent, and this is a pretty obvious example of that failure.
Yes, high school is a very hard time for a teen to go through the process of having a father figure undergo a male-to-female transition, but I would at least think that you would treat her and the entire situation a little more delicately!
Three years is a long time when you're waiting to transition, and yes, it MAY have been better for her to take the hit and make a parental sacrifice for the well-being of her child, but I can't fault her for not waiting. Most times, transgender people have been waiting their entire lives, often times dealing with pretty awful feelings.
What if this letter had said that the father got divorced and then came out to them as gay, and the mother was complaining that he was putting their son through his coming out. Would you tell the father to stop flaunting his stupid 'ol dick around, stop being a selfish and stupid homo and wait 32 months before coming out? I didn't think so.
It's not that you suggest that she should have waited, it's the sarcasm that's offensive. Saying "Dear 'ol Dad,' the whole "selfish- and stupid-tranny" thing, and the whole reduction of a trans woman's identity and transition to "cut his dick off" is so insulting and made more so by the fact that it comes from a member of the LGBT "community".
It's often said that the T in LGBT is silent, and this is a pretty obvious example of that failure.
I'm not even going to bother with your use of 'Tranny' being offensive.
Get your act together before you try to become the poster boy or role model for LGBT (exclude the 'T', though, nobody wants your help) youths. All you're really doing (if any of them can be bothered to read anything you have to say aside from your 'It Gets Better' shtick) is teaching even more hate. All those LGBQ kids out there will think they're in the clear, they're the norm, those trannies can take the slack for them, now! Don't ostracize the 'T' in LGBT, we're all equal, so quit being disgusting and offensive.
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