I know what you're thinking: "This is pretty tasteless, rape, even for you." But maybe you should shut your yap for a minute, because even I, rape, can have regrets. And this year, my biggest regret is Republicans.

For years, I laughed off Republican efforts to rope me into partisan politics—but in 2012, that became impossible. Suddenly and without my consent, Republicans were giving me a makeover: They "legitimized" me, elevated me to an act that "God intended to happen," equated me to both "normal relations in a marriage" and "a gift" that women should "just relax and enjoy." Republicans even had the audacity to call me a bad case of "buyer's remorse"!

Way to give me a fucking identity crisis, a-holes.

Just to refresh your memory, Republicans, I am nonconsensual sex. Nonconsensual sex is me. That's it. I'm not your little girl willfully getting pregnant out of wedlock, I'm not God's jokey way of getting women laid, and I'm never, ever legitimate. That's just not how I roll. And if you continue to argue with me on this, guys, I will do what I should've done years ago and rape your motherfucking mouths shut.