MONDAY, JULY 19
Tonight: wackiness on board Metro Bus 358. The madcap hijinks began in the early evening at Third and Virginia, where a man boarded the bus and proclaimed himself to be the Savior. The heretical bus driver promptly instructed the Savior to get off the bus, and He gracefully compliedbut not before informing the other passengers that they should not be afraid; He wasn't crazy; He really was the Savior. After ditching the Son of Man, the bus plodded on to 46th and Aurora, where it was boarded by another funky fellownot another Jesus wannabe, just a loudmouth fool. Our eyewitness reports that the man sat quietly in the back of the bus for several blocks before storming up to the woman driver, whom he accused of making extra sharp turns just to make him tip over in his seat. "You try to knock me over when you drive! Do you like to do that?" The man then called the driver a "punk bitch" and (our favorite all-purpose epithet) a "fucking freak." The fucking punk bitch freak driver stopped the bus, instructed the loudmouth to exit, and threatened to call the police. The loudmouth fool stalked off the bus, and went cussing into the night.
TUESDAY, JULY 20
Today the world learned of Vancouver, BC's humongous pot bust. Over the weekend, Canadian Customs seized over 1,000 pounds of marijuana at the Vancouver International Airportthe largest pot seizure in the airport's history. The Associated Press reports that the shipment originated in Johannesburg, South Africa, and arrived in Vancouver in the cargo section of a passenger airplane flight from Frankfurt. During a routine examination of two large crates (labeled as containing machine parts), customs officers discovered about 500 bricks of marijuana, vacuum-sealed and covered in oil to give them the appearance and odor of engine parts. "We were quite surprised to find marijuana coming into BC," said the airport's chief of customs, no doubt referencing British Columbia's legendary homegrown pot, reportedly worth $1 billion a year. No arrests were made, but the confiscated half-ton of pot has been turned over to the proper authorities, where it will be destroyed, pinch by pinch, in standard government-issue bongs.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 21
Today was a very good day for Dr. Bruce Clurman, a 39-year-old molecular biologist at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, who was awarded a $1 million grant to help launch the cancer lab of his dreams, reports the Seattle P-I. The 39-year-old Clurman is one of five recipients of the first W. M. Keck Foundation Distinguished Young Scholars in Medical Research awards, which provide winners with a million bucks over five years to pursue basic research into the fundamental mechanisms of human disease. Hyper-overachiever Clurman (in addition to being a molecular biologist, he teaches medicine at the UW and treats bone-marrow transplant patients at Fred Hutch) will focus his research on understanding the regulation of cell division. If scientists can unravel the complex web of interactions that governs normal cell division, Clurman told P-I reporter Carol Smith, they may be able to develop better treatments for cancer. That's all well and good, but let's get back to the money. Last Days had some questions for Clurman: What's it like to get an enormous chunk of cash from strangers? Has becoming an instant millionaire changed your sexual prospects? And can we borrow $150 for a new VCR? Unfortunately, Last Days was unable to get Clurman on the phone, but judging from his sultry voice on his answering machine, we can assume he's the same warm, smart, and generous man he's always been (Bruce: Send the $150 check to Last Days, c/o The Stranger. Thanks.)
THURSDAY, JULY 22
Experts agree: Safeco Field is a disgusting, potentially deadly shithole. On Monday, during their first inspection by King County health officials, Seattle's new gazillion-dollar stadium was slapped with a whopping 24 "red critical" food safety violationsthe most serious food safety citation available, signifying the need for immediate correction to prevent the potential spread of foodborne illnesses such as E. coli, salmonella, or hepatitis A. During today's follow-up inspection, our shocked inspectors handed out an additional 26 "red critical" citations! The Seattle P-I reports that seven of today's violators were repeat offenders from Monday's inspection. "We are very, very concerned," said Mariners' spokeswoman Rebecca Hale after Monday's first batch of food safety citations. "We're surprised and very disappointed," said Hale after today's second batch. Some of the most serious violations involved undercooked meat, a lack of handwashing facilities for food handlers, and debris in ice used for drinks. "Public safety and health must come first," said spokeswoman Hale (who's certainly earned her paycheck this week), adding that "the team" is continuing to work with the vendor to improve food safety at the stadium. Beginning Monday, Alex Rodriguez will distribute moist towelettes outside employee restrooms, while Jay "the Bone" Buehner wages a one-man war on unauthorized fecal matter in the nachos.
FRIDAY, JULY 23
Today: a fascinating story of Ecstasy-smuggling Hasidic Jews. The Associated Press reports that federal agents have busted an international drug ring that used Hasidic Jews as couriers for the highly popular synthetic drug Ecstasy. Agents say the scheme took advantage of the Orthodox Jews' appearanceblack hats, dark suits, and side curlsto deflect suspicion at customs. The Jewish couriers, told they would be carrying diamonds, were promised a free trip to Europe and about $1,500 if they agreed to retrieve packages in Brussels, Frankfurt, and other Ecstasy-laden European cities. But authorities say the couriers ignored obvious signs that their shipments actually consisted of 30,000 to 45,000 pills, destined for sale to teeth-grinding, free-loving, rave-hopping goyem in New York City and Miami Beach.
SATURDAY, JULY 24
Today, a report of spooky goings-on in front of the Neptune movie theater in the University District. Hundreds of people waiting in line for an afternoon showing of The Blair Witch Project (the reputedly terrifying and brilliant movie Last Days refuses to see until after our upcoming week-long camping trip) were treated to an impromptu erotic interpretive dance by a man described by Matt, our eyewitness, as "a roving African American transient." The key element in the dancebesides the gyrating man, of coursewas a long wooden pole, which our sexy hoofer rubbed lasciviously against his crotch, over and over, a look of rapture on his face. "Never before have I seen a person masturbate with a wooden pole in such an unabashed and public manner!" gushed Matt. Like most of us, Matt had previously only seen people masturbate with wooden poles in a shy and private manner. Upon completing his dance, the man wandered off into an alley, screaming at the sky.
SUNDAY, JULY 25
25 As readers of this column are aware, Last Days has been a tireless chronicler of Seattle's mean crow epidemic from the get-go. So imagine our surprise when we picked up the Sunday edition of The Seattle Times and found a glammy cover story breaking the news on the blight of "Pesky Crows in Urban Areas." The "hot" story contained some fascinating facts (did you know that crows have superhuman memory and are strong enough to carry ears of corn?), and writer Eric Sorensen was obviously passionate about his subject matter. Still, just because The Seattle Times is a fancypants daily, boasting such luminaries as Misha Berson, Jean Godden, and Garfield, doesn't mean they can horn in on our subject matter. For the best in vicious crow news, stick with Last Days. Don't forget: It's National "Rim a Librarian" Week! Send your Hot Tips to firstname.lastname@example.org or phone the 24-Hour Hot Tips Hotline at 323 7101 ext 3113.