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Control Tower

by Mistress Matisse

I just got back from KinkFest, the annual Portland BDSM conference, and while I was there someone made a remark about me fucking my submissive. "No, I don't have sex with my submissives," I corrected her. She seemed surprised, but in fact, nonsexual BDSM relationships aren't uncommon. I can't speak for everyone who chooses this, but I have two reasons for structuring my relationships this way.

First: Having sex with your submissives muddies the power dynamic between you, particularly with a female dominant. I myself don't believe that women intrinsically surrender power by being sexual, but a submissive's perceptions may have been shaped by the prevailing cultural stereotypes, even if there isn't a conscious awareness of it. And if a submissive begins to expect sex from a Mistress during a scene, it changes her/his focus from "how can I serve my Mistress?" to "when am I going to get off?" If I want sex and BDSM, there are plenty of people I can have no-strings kinky sex with. But sincere and talented submissives are hard to find, and once I've got one trained to my liking, I'm not about to jeopardize such an arrangement just for a few orgasms.

The other fact is that the no-sex rule helps head off emotional confusion on the submissive's part. I may be a sadist, but it's not my style to be a cold, distant bitch-goddess to my submissives. My D/s relationships are intimate, affectionate--I incorporate my submissives into my daily life. They become part of my chosen family. When we play, I get inside the walls that my submissives have put up to protect their hearts. I take them on intense physical and emotional trips that require their utter trust in me. Each time I do this, our bond grows deeper, and that's a beautiful thing.

But I am not their lover, nor their partner--I am their Mistress, and it's important that the distinction be maintained. Otherwise a submissive may develop some white-picket-fence expectations that aren't going to be fulfilled. That leads to resentment, and nothing kills a relationship of any variety faster than simmering resentment.

Doing BDSM turns me on, and it would be easy, in the heat of a moment, to use my submissives to gratify those desires. But for me, it's about having the self-discipline to see the big picture: I don't fuck my submissive, because I don't want to fuck that relationship.

matisse@thestranger.com