MONDAY, MARCH 26 This week of diabolical tweens, radical fundamentalists, and dachshunds gone horribly wrong kicks off with a freakish avalanche of notable birthdays, with numerous writers, actors, politicians, and other name-recognizables making the leap from womb to cradle on this day. Happy birthday to snowy poet Robert Frost, mythy mystic Joseph Campbell, suffering expert Viktor Frankl, retired Supreme Sandra Day O'Connor, retired Supreme Diana Ross, half Vulcan/sometime poet Leonard Nimoy, unjust Academy Award winner Alan Arkin, president of the Palestinian National Authority Mahmoud Abbas, Godfather star James Caan, House of Representatives star Nancy Pelosi, pop-feminism icon Erica Jong, Watergate-breaking journalist Bob Woodward, big-mouthed Aerosmith freak Steven Tyler, Mama's Family mastermind Vicki Lawrence, smooth soul crooner Teddy Pendergrass, unappealing comedian Martin Short, unappealing country singer Kenny Chesney, celebrity robot Leeza Gibbons, Ferris Bueller's sister Jennifer Grey, gay-but-it's-no-big-deal Grey's Anatomy star T. R. Knight, comely Pirates of the Caribbean lass Keira Knightley, and the greatest playwright America has ever produced (screw you, O'Neill and Miller), Tennessee Williams.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27 The week continues with an excessively icky mystery from Texas, where a young mother in suburban Houston claims she awoke from a nap on March 13 to find that her miniature dachshund had torn off her infant son's genitals. Horrible details come from the Associated Press, which reports the 5-week-old boy was found on a bed in his mother's apartment covered in blood, genitals severed, with a deep cut in his upper leg. According to Houston authorities, the 25-year-old woman has a history of prescription-drug abuse and tested positive for cocaine and methadone the day after her son's mutilation. According to the baby's father/mother's boyfriend, she was found in a drug-induced stupor just after the attack. Most disturbingly, according to police, doctors, and Child Protective Service officials, the baby's injuries were not consistent with dog bites, as "the lacerations were too neat," casting serious suspicion on the mother's report of a dachshund attack. For now, the troubled mom has checked into a treatment program and reportedly refuses to cooperate with police. Her injured son, now 7 weeks old, remains in critical condition.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28 Nothing happened today, unless you count the kidnapping of an alleged brothel owner in Pakistan, who was taken hostage in Islamabad by a group of female Islamic students furious over the continued operation of the alleged house of sin. As the Associated Press reports, the abduction was "part of an anti-vice drive in defiance of [Pakistan's] military-dominated government," and "reflects an undercurrent of fundamentalism that is challenging the moderate mainstream society in this Muslim nation of 160 million people, and the failure of President Pervez Musharraf's government to contain it."

THURSDAY, MARCH 29 Almost every week, Last Days reports another instance of diabolical violence against children, from babies placed under broilers to alleged emasculation by dachshund. Today brings a story that proves diabolical violence is a two-way street. The place: Sakai Intermediate School on Washington State's Bainbridge Island. The perpetrators: two 12-year-old girls, who confessed to intentionally poisoning one of their teachers. The poison: strawberry lip gloss. "It's well known at [Sakai Intermediate School] that teacher Kasey Jeffers is highly allergic to strawberries," reports KING 5 News. Armed with this knowledge and a desire to avoid handing in a homework assignment, the two girls applied strawberry lip gloss to Ms. Jeffers's coffee cup and water bottle. "They actually discussed not using real strawberries because they were concerned that might actually kill her," said Deputy Police Chief Mark Duncan to KING 5. "So they decided that the best thing they could use was a synthetic strawberry." It worked: Exposure to the strawberry-tainted items caused 58-year-old Jeffers to immediately become ill, and by the end of the school day, the girls had confessed to the poisoning. Both girls were expelled, charged with second-degree assault, and hauled to juvenile detention, while Jeffers was made better by some Benadryl.

•• Speaking of students poisoning teachers: Tomorrow brings another alleged instance of poisoning by pupil, this one from Tampa, Florida, where two students—one male, one female, both 15—will be arrested after allegedly spiking their teacher's Pepsi with Febreze. The teacher escaped unharmed, the students were charged with first-degree felony poisoning, and Last Days looks forward to finding Pepsi with Febreze™ in convenience-store coolers by summer.

FRIDAY, MARCH 30 Since the dawn of time, cheerleaders have provided jiggly diversion from the crushing boredom of spectator sports. But thanks to an exposé in today's New York Times, these sideline athletes may soon claim their rightful place alongside America's bravest warriors and most death-defying badasses. Among the darkly impressive statistics cited in the NYT's "Pompoms, Pyramids and Peril": Emergency-room visits for cheerleading injuries nationwide have more than doubled since the early 1990s; of 104 catastrophic injuries sustained by female high-school and college athletes from 1982 to 2005, more than half resulted from cheerleading; injuries sustained from all other sports combined still didn't surpass cheerleading. "They make you sign a medical release when you join a cheerleading team," said Jessica Smith, an 18-year-old cheerleader at Sacramento City College who broke her neck in two places during a botched stunt and is suing the college for negligence. "They ought to tell the girls that they are signing a death waiver."

SATURDAY, MARCH 31 Nothing happened today, including the fatal injury of any cheerleaders.

SUNDAY, APRIL 1 The week ends on an uncharacteristically optimistic note, thanks to the New York Times, which today ran a story that Last Days has been waiting to read for as long as we can remember: Michael Winerip's quietly thrilling profile of Zach O'Connor, a Connecticut teenager whose coming-out experience—navigated with the full emotional and imaginative involvement of his family—proves that the ongoing bigotry toward gays exists in (and is perhaps a backlash against) a society where progress for gays is palpable. Our favorite bit, showcasing the benefits of a prompt and purposeful coming-out for gay teens: "Now, as a 17-year-old 11th grader, Zach has passed through phases that many gay men of previous generations didn't get to until their 20s, 30s, even 40s. 'Eighth grade was kind of his militant time,' [Zach's dad] says." After reading the piece, Last Days was ready to hail Zach O'Connor's parents as heroes, for so forcibly and empathetically taking the reins on their son's coming out. But the O'Connors merely did what all good parents should: took care of their kids, which is heroic in its own right. Hurrah for all.

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