"These lights are totally gay," a woman on the darkened back porch says. Before you start getting all riled up about her linguistic subjugation of homosexuals, you should know she's just being honest: For some reason, all the strings of lights are missing their prongs, meaning it's a lesbian socket-only party out here. Fortunately, a man dressed as a lion strips the wires and brings illumination to the porch. Now everyone at the Magical Summer Circus Party can see each other.

Which is great news: Everyone in this crepe-paper-festooned house looks phenomenal. Our lovely hostesses are dressed as Siamese twins, although they're too polite to use the old freak-show terminology, instead referring to themselves as "conjoined," as in: "Let's do some shots and then we'll conjoin." There are two bearded ladies, five lions (three with flaming hoops), two clowns (one creepy and one sexy), one very helpful woman dressed as a box of popcorn, a gorilla, a sword-swallower, and a trapeze artist. It's an ideal summer party: The ladies are flirty, whip-wielding carnies, and the men are skinny contortionists in leotards.

Everyone dances to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and a couple of girls make out in the kissing booth (which advertises "$1.00 KISS/$5.00 TONGUE"). Pyramids of Ding Dongs and elaborate cupcakes quickly disappear as partyers partake of the half-gallon plastic jugs of whiskey and vodka, and then at midnight everyone crowds onto the lawn to play with sparklers. The entire block fills with red and green smoke, and people just keep showing up; looks like the summer party season is going out in style.

Want to tell The Stranger "I've been everywhere, and I can't find an unbiased viewpoint" at your house party? Send the date, place, and party details to partycrasher@thestranger.com.