Caller: Yeah, hi, is this the dominatrix?
Me: Ye-es... can I help you with something?
Caller: Yeah, I need your help. See, I said something I shouldn't have—on the radio. I need to make some kind of big gesture of humility or my career is over.
Me: Are you, by chance, a talk-radio personality who wears a cowboy hat?
Caller: Oh, you recognize my voice? Look, it was just a remark—I didn't think everyone would take it so seriously.
Me: I bet you didn't. What exactly do you want from me, given that I'm in what some people would call the "ho" category?
Caller: Well, if it weren't for YouTube, this wouldn't have been as bad for me—everyone getting to watch me over and over again and all. So how about we video you doing some kind of punishment to me, like as penance, and upload it to the web?
Me: You know, this might work better if you asked a black dominatrix.
Caller: Let's not go overboard. I'm not that sorry.
Me: I see.... Yeah, I could do something appropriately humiliating for you, Mr. Imus.
Caller: I don't want it to hurt too much.
Me: Don't worry, it won't hurt me a bit. Just make sure you get a tetanus shot, don't wear any alcohol-based products on your skin, and write down the address of where you'd like to be delivered—I mean, driven home—after the scene.
Caller: Um, okay. How soon can you see me?
Caller: I saw your pictures online, they're hot. Do you have a pay site I can subscribe to?
Me: No. How come my Caller ID says "A. Gonzalez, U.S. Department of Justice"?
Caller: Uh... I'm just using his phone. Really. I'm, um, the cleaning guy. Yeah.
Me: Mmm-hmm, sure you are. Don't you look at enough porn as it is?
Caller: I used to, but George and Dick and Karl kicked me out of the secure peer-swapping network and now all I can get is the free samples. I was hoping you'd let me send you an anonymous money order.
Caller: How about dirty panties? Do you sell those?
Me: Only if you send me a picture of yourself wearing them.
Caller: Mistress? It's me, John.
Me: John! How sweet, I haven't heard from you for a while. I thought you'd be too busy with the presidential campaign to call me.
Caller: Well, I am busy. But... Mistress, I need to feel pretty.
Me: You are pretty, John.
Caller: Am I very pretty?
Me: Very pretty. And when you come see me, I'll dress you up in my lingerie and we'll comb your hair and you'll be even prettier.
Caller: Am I prettier than Barack?
Me: I think you are.
Caller: Am I prettier than Hillary?
Caller: Can I come see you tomorrow?
THURSDAY 5/3RAIN CITY JACKS
FRIDAY 5/4WOMEN-ONLY NIGHT AT THE WET SPOT
Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the girls. This month's theme: Uniform Night! All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, firstname.lastname@example.org, 9 pm—3 am, $15, members only, female ID required.
SUNDAY 5/6BONDAGE CLASS: MOVING BODIES THROUGH SPACE
My partner Max's rope-bondage class, in conjunction with the Bondage Is the Point party. This month: learn how to tie up and maneuver someone bigger and stronger than you, from an accomplished martial-arts practitioner and bondage fan. Includes come-alongs and tricks for getting rope on a reluctant body. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, www.bondagelessons.com, 2:30 pm, $30/$35, nonmembers welcome at workshop, members only at party that follows.
MONDAY 5/7THE WOMEN'S WELCOMING COMMITTEE
A friendly discussion group for women of all orientations, the WWC meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new to the Seattle BDSM/fetish community. Hot Dish, 2255 NE 65th St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9 pm, $3 suggested donation.
TUESDAY 5/8POLYAMORY MEETUP GROUP
A casual, social event for all people interested to chat about honest, open nonmonogamy. An accessible, family-friendly event. Wayward Coffeehouse, 8570 Greenwood Ave N, polyamory.meetup.com/1, 7:30 pm, free.