Caller: Good afternoon. I was wondering if you had any suggestions about how I could get in contact with the local matriarchic community?
Matriarchic? Yeah, I know what the word means, but when I try to repeat it back to her I get little flecks of spit on my phone. I sound like John Cleese doing Adolph Hitler.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't know about any local organizations for-that. But if you're looking for fetish events to attend, I'd suggest you join the Wet Spot.
Caller: Yes, yes, I know about them, but they aren't a female-superior organization. I believe in matriarchal culture and female supremacy. I don't want to attend events with male dominants; I find that distasteful and unnatural-surely you understand.
Good lord, if I never attended events where anything unnatural was happening, I wouldn't get out much. So, no, I actually don't understand. The "My way is the only true way to be kinky" types get on my nerves, and it's even worse when they assume I share their point of view. I don't believe in female supremacy, I just believe in Matisse supremacy. (Me, me, it's all about me!) Still, I'll be polite-it's useless to argue with kinky ideologues.
Me: Sorry, I don't know of anything. But you could start an organization of your own.
Caller: Oh, I really don't have the time for that kind of planning and organizing.
Me (in a perfectly serious voice): You could have your slave do it for you.
Caller (happily): Why, yes, I could, couldn't I? That's a good idea. Thank you.
People amaze me. They really do.
Caller: How do you tell a Mistress collar from a submissive collar?
Me: Excuse me, what are you asking me?
Caller: I've heard there's something called a Mistress collar-is that true? They look really cool. Do you think it would be okay if I wore one? How do I tell, though?
Oh yeah, that's me, the 24-hour kinky fashion-crisis line-call me with all your urgent fetishwear questions. No, don't, please. At least, not until I get a 1-900 line for people who are confused by some leather merchant's creative marketing ploy, since I assume that's what's happened here. "Mistress collars" certainly aren't a traditional BDSM accessory. But I know some folks like to wear as much dead cow as they possibly can.
Me: Well, honey, I think a collar is a collar, and so the idea of a "Mistress collar" sounds like a contradiction in terms to me. But, hey, if you think it looks cool and you want to wear one, you just go right ahead and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Caller: But how can people tell the difference? Are there like certain things, like the color or something? What if it doesn't lock, can I wear it then?
Me: Look, I've never heard of a Mistress collar, so I can't tell you. I would assume that people know it's a Mistress collar by the fact that you're wearing it and you're a Mistress.
Caller: But I don't want someone who doesn't know me thinking I'm a submissive.
Right, because submissives are weak and insecure and always want other people, even total strangers, to tell them what they can and can't do, and... Oh, wait.
Me: Perhaps you could avoid that by keeping your submissive on a leash all the time and whapping him with a crop every so often. Oh, and be sure to act really bitchy, too.
Caller (seriously) : Yes, I guess that could work. Okay, bye.
Yes, I know, I'm going straight to hell for being so snarky. And that hell will be filled with people who take everything I say very, very seriously. ■
LOVE LOUNGE SEATTLE
Naked Vinyl Makeout Party: Love Lounge is an adult social club designed to bring together bi women and male/female couples-no single men, please. www.lovelounge.net or firstname.lastname@example.org, 9 pm, $10/per person donation, BYOB, 21+, membership required.
PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY IN BDSM
Licensed therapist Heidi Johanna explains what happens psychologically during an erotic power exchange, tells how to assess potential partners, and gives psychological safety tips. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or email@example.com, 5-7 pm, $20.
THREESOME NIGHT AT REDMOND RANCH
Feeling like Jack, Janet, and Chrissy? Or maybe you're more like Jack Kerouac with Mr. and Mrs. Cassady. Either way, it's your night at this swing club. Single men must RSVP to get on the waiting list, but couples and single women can just show up. 425-868-8169 or www.redmond-ranch.com, doors at 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.
Learn how to pick the dick of your dreams and use it like a pro. Babeland sex educators cover harnesses, dildos, positions, packing, and dildo cock sucking for beginners and seasoned users. Toys in Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30/sliding scale.
EROTIC MASSAGE NIGHT
This evening of sensual touch, facilitated by Sacred Intimate David Longmire, is open to couples and singles who need not have prior experience in erotic massage. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or firstname.lastname@example.org, 5 pm-9 pm (doors close at 6 pm), $10, members only.
THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST BALLET TRIBUTE TO KENT STOWELL & FRANCIA RUSSELL
From the bone-crunching poses to toe-torturing footwear, ballet is easily the most mainstream hardcore kink in the world. Tonight the Pacific Northwest Ballet pays tribute to the trailblazing duo who have led their relentlessly kinky organization to international acclaim. McCaw Hall, 321 Mercer St, 441-2424, 6 pm. $30-$150.