The Week in Review, April 23–29
MONDAY, APRIL 30 This week of international stings, nightmare vermin, and plentiful Hot Tips (each hotter than the last) kicks off with that classic object of training-wheels schadenfreude: the fallen pastor. Today's gutter-dwelling man of God hails from our very own state—Spokane, to be precise, where Reverend Herman Lewis serves as senior pastor at Morning Star Baptist Church. As friends of the reverend told KING 5 News, Lewis's soon-to-be-newsworthy sin spree commenced yesterday morning, when the 49-year-old reverend's "erratic behavior" inspired his wife to take him to the hospital, where Lewis was evaluated by a psychiatrist and released. From there, Lewis went to church, where he told the Morning Star staff they were all getting raises, then refrained from any notable freakery until today, when he drove to Spokane's Shari's Restaurant and flipped the fuck out. By his own admission, Reverend Lewis went to Shari's to meet a woman for sex; according to police, Lewis offered a female cook $50 to fuck in his car.
What allegedly happened next comes from the police report: When the cook declined the reverend's solicitation, he grabbed her wrists and tried to drag her from the building. The cook fought back, police were called, and Reverend Lewis took his crazy to the next level, jumping into his Corvette, repeatedly ramming a patrol car, then leading officers on a brief chase, which ended when cops caught him at a stoplight, Tasered him into submission, and hauled him to the hospital for medical treatment and a mental evaluation. Tomorrow, Reverend Lewis will appear in court, where further details of his world-class flip-out will be revealed: According to police, Lewis confessed to living a "double life" since he was 19, when he began having sex with prostitutes and using crack and PCP; the reverend also confessed to occasionally funding his drug-and-whore binges with church funds. Psychotic cherry on top: At the time of his arrest, Reverend Lewis was found to have a gun in his car; he later told cops he would have killed them to get away. For now, Lewis remains jailed on charges of unlawful imprisonment and assault, and is being held on lockdown due to his "combativeness" during booking. The moral: Believing the Bible to be true is the first step to life-ruining insanity.
TUESDAY, MAY 1 Herman Lewis isn't the only one soiling the state's reputation. Today brings the arrest of another Washingtonian—whose alleged crimes make using church funds to buy PCP seem like child's play—Kenneth John Freeman, the 44-year-old former Washington State sheriff's deputy sought by state and federal authorities for allegedly raping his young daughter and posting video of the attack on the internet. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports Freeman fled the U.S. last year, with an international phalanx of investigators eventually tracking him to China.
Since the Chinese government doesn't have an extradition agreement with the U.S., investigators waited for Freeman to make a trip to the still extradition-friendly Hong Kong, and tonight, Kenneth Freeman was arrested in the Hong Kong airport and is awaiting extradition to the U.S.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 2 In much better news, today brought a variety of progressive triumphs to the Pacific Northwest. In Washington, Governor Chris Gregoire signed into law an array of health-care measures that posit Washington as a sensible health-care beacon to the nation. Among the notable steps forward: a variety of changes designed to lower costs and improve access to health care; marching orders for the state's public schools to dispense information about the cervical-cancer-conquering HPV vaccine; and, best of all, the abolishment of "abstinence-only" sex education. (Under the new law, schools that provide sex education must teach abstinence alongside other options, including the use of contraceptives.) Meanwhile in Oregon, the state senate approved a landmark "domestic partnership" bill that will grant registered same-sex partners all the state-sanctioned benefits of marriage, and exposes Washington's recent domestic-partnership bill as the back-of-the-bus pass it is. Still, hurrah for Oregon, and onward and upward, Washington.
THURSDAY, MAY 3 The week continues with a monolithically alarming tip from "somewhere in South Seattle," courtesy of Hot Tipper Cesar. "Early this morning I was sitting on the toilet, minding my own business, when I heard some weird noise, like something splashing around in water. I didn't pay too much attention until I got up from the toilet and saw the BIG CHUBBY RAT swimming inside the bowl, trying to come out from the water. I come from Mexico, and have seen all sorts of things involving critters, but nothing like this. I must have screamed like crazy because my girlfriend ran in to assist me. We flushed the toilet a couple times and used an old Mexican trick of pouring boiling water to discourage the rat from coming back. FYI, the monster rat was black with a gray belly and the biggest I have ever seen." Dear Cesar: Thank you for surviving and sharing. Dear everyone else: If you are planning on standing up to poo for the rest of your life, we understand.
FRIDAY, MAY 4 "So we were walking home from the Safeway in Maple Leaf," writes Hot Tipper Monathan ("It stands for Metal Jonathan," he explains). "As we made our way through a dark alley, my female friend and I passed this creepy guy lurking in the shadows. Being high on Percocet at the time, I decided to greet the shadowy figure with a friendly 'Hello.' Apparently, he was feeling friendly, too, because when we got about a block away, we heard someone call out "Girls!" We turn around and it's the guy from the alley, with his dick out, wanking for us! My friend informs him that I'm a guy and he corrects himself by asking 'Can I suck your cock?' I told him that I was flattered, but not interested. He repeated his request and we walked away. Fast."
SATURDAY, MAY 5 The week continues with a surprisingly sweet tale of sexual harassment and public drunkenness, courtesy of Hot Tipper Emily. "Tonight, my friend and I caught the number 18 Metro after a night at the Fenix. It seemed faster than walking back downtown, but probably wasn't because as the bus made its way up First Avenue, the driver would stop at least once every block (bus stop or not) and open the doors to yell at every woman he saw that he NEEDED her number and she should take a ride with him. Since we were on our way through Pioneer Square, most of the women were wasted, and they would run onto the bus, give the driver a kiss or hug, and then run back off. This happened no less than five times between Safeco Field and Seneca Street, where we decided give up and walk."
SUNDAY, MAY 6 "Dear Last Days," writes Hot Tipper Brian from Sacramento, California. "Today my partner and I stopped at a local McDonald's for a quick bite to eat. As we left, we noticed a large girl in a McDonald's uniform sitting by the exit with a small mirror. As I got closer, I saw that she was PLUCKING HER FUCKING EYEBROWS. Then I watched in horror as she plucked a single hair from her nose and dropped it on the floor. It is the end of civilization as we know it."
Slight redemption of civilization: Paris Hilton is going to jail.
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