A newcomer to the BDSM scene might be forgiven for thinking that all submissives are, well, submissive. But that's not always true. There's a group of people, apparently incurable, that we kinksters call "Bratty Bottoms." And they are more common than you think—every 10 minutes (or 15, if they're deliberately late) a Bratty Bottom is born.
Are you a Bratty Bottom? Take this quiz:
Upon being reprimanded for some infraction of the rules, do you ever...
A. Inform your top that he/she should "get over it."
B. Invoke the Fifth Amendment and demand a lawyer.
C. Insist that you're being framed by racists.
Upon being given a simple command, such as "Make me some coffee," do you ever...
A. Lie down on the floor and go limp.
B. Kneel and pray aloud for God to send doves down from heaven with an Americano.
C. Point your finger at your top and cry out, "Poof! You're some coffee!"
In a scene, do you ever...
A. Call the person who's topping you "Mr. Rogers" and repeatedly ask, "Where's your sweater?"
B. Scream at the top of your lungs and feign unconsciousness when swatted lightly on the ass.
C. Attempt to perform a Summoning Charm on your dominant's flogger.
At BDSM social events, do you ever...
A. Tell the people around you that there's an Amber Alert out for you and your Daddy.
B. Speculate, audibly and unflatteringly, about the penis size of nearby male dominants.
C. Claim to be an officer in the Fashion Police and hand out tickets.
When talking to newer submissives, do you ever tell them...
A. That the proper response to a command for sexual service is "Who's your daddy?"
B. That the acronym "BDSM" stands for "Badly Dressed Social Misfits."
C. That dominants find it irresistibly sexy when submissives speak with the syntax and accent of Yoda.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are a Bratty Bottom. As yet, there's no cure for Bratty Bottom-ness, but I can offer help and support. The mind of a Bratty Bottom is an infinitely creative thing, and no one can anticipate everything a BB might decide to do. Still, here are a few words of advice for Bratty Bottoms, gleaned from my personal experiences dealing with them.
Blowing raspberries is not the best response to perceived shortcomings in a dominant's behavior.
While some people do find furries attractive, they're a relatively small group. So unless otherwise specified, the command "Wear something sexy" does not mean a mascot costume.
"Sir" or "Ma'am" are considered polite terms to use in address. "Lord High Pooh-Bah," or "Mistress Sticky Panties" are not.
Dominants usually dislike it when you playfully handcuff them to the furniture.
Trimming the bushes in your dominant's yard into blatantly phallic symbols is not considered a sign of respectful affection.
If your top puts you in a cage, banging on the bars and singing "We Shall Overcome" is inappropriate.
And last but not least: "Engage and enrage" is not a good personal motto for a submissive.
The Wet Spot's kinky dance party: Socialize, dance, have sex, and do BDSM. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or firstname.lastname@example.org, 9 pm–2 am, $10.
BOXERS AND BRIEFS NIGHT AT RAIN CITY JACKS
Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Membership required, raincityjacks.org or email@example.com, 6:30 pm–9:30 pm.
CLUB NIGHT AT THE CUFF
No cover with club colors or membership card. Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, $3 before 11 pm/$4 after, 21+.
WET SPOT IN PARADISE CAMPOUT
This weeklong event continues through the weekend. Play, have sex, and hang out in the sunshine—kinksters, genderqueers, poly folks, nudists, and swingers all welcome. The Longhouse in Redmond, pre-registration required, www.thegatheringwsip.com.
A TASTE OF SQUARE DANCING
Indulge your fetish for gay-friendly square dancing with the Puddletown Dancers, Seattle's premiere nonprofit square-dance club for gays and lesbians. University Heights Community Center, 5031 University Way NE, 7–9:30 pm, free.
TWA: TRANS WORLD AGENDA
Normally the second Thursday of every month, TWA moves to Sunday to extend a special welcome to FTM 2005: A Gender Odyssey Conference attendees. The Mercury, 1009 E Union St, 9 pm–2 am, 21+ .
KATE BORNSTEIN READING
Writer, performer, and gender pioneer Kate Bornstein reads from her latest work, Kate Bornstein Is a Queer and Present Danger, and answers questions. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7–8:30 pm, free.