Dear Mistress Matisse,

Why do guys think any girl who is interested in dominance and submission must automatically be promiscuous? I am single and looking, but I'm also a virgin and a Christian and I make no bones about the fact I'm not going to sleep with someone unless I'm going to marry them. I have some ads up on kinky-personals sites, but all the guys send me pictures of their dicks and want naked pictures of me. It's obvious they want sex right away.

Well, yes, some clueless guys are still clinging to the madonna/whore stereotype, and since you're putting up personals on sexually alternative websites, they're hoping you've shed all those inconvenient (for them) ideas about love before sex, monogamous marriage, et cetera. Any woman who's sexually nontraditional in any way gets this attitude: kinky women, bisexual women, and polyamorous women as well. It is terribly annoying if that's not what you're looking for.

On the other hand, while these boys may irritate you with their presumptions, their desires are just as valid as yours. And although kinky-personal-ad sites do gather a diverse crowd, one doesn't see too many virgin Christian girls there. By the standards of that community, they aren't really being that out of line. So don't let it bug you, just delete the offensive e-mails and move on. Or perhaps you could start your own site. "KinkyChristians.com" seems to be available.

Dear MM,

I'm a submissive and I have a personal ad, and this guy answered and said he wanted to "breed me." What does that mean? I thought he meant just fuck me but then someone said he wanted to get me pregnant because it sexually excited him. What?

That's correct—there are a small number of men who are excited by the idea of getting a woman pregnant. Not just the sex part itself, but the idea of impregnating her, especially without (in the fantasy) her consent. They often also have a whole fantasy about "breeding" multiple women, and raising the children to also be into BDSM, either as dominants or submissives, depending on gender. I imagine they wank off to Mormon Fundamentalist literature.

Personally, I wouldn't do that kind of role-play for the same reason that I wouldn't do a racial-degradation scene—it's a bit too close to real-world problems, thank you. But if playing a fantasy game about this turns you on, well, breed away. But don't forget that Norplant.

Dear Matisse,

How come all of a sudden there are all these "mistresses" looking for "money slaves" on the personal-ad sites? If you want a guy to give you money before you play with him, isn't that professional domination? If I wanted to hire someone I'd be calling you, so no offense to pro doms. But I'm looking for a kinky girlfriend.

A "money slave" is a guy who gets turned on by the act of giving a woman money. He usually wants her to act bitchy and demanding about it, and to verbally bully him. It's also referred to as "financial domination" but it's not exactly the same thing as hiring a dominatrix to do a scene with you—for money slaves, giving the woman his money is the scene. Guys who genuinely get off on this are rare, although—as you may well imagine—a lot of would-be mistresses are looking for them.

Meanwhile, I'm mentally casting a movie where a woman who wants a money slave, a guy who wants to "breed" women, and a Christian kinkster are trapped in an elevator together. And then, as the film reviewers say, high jinks ensue.

"Give me your wallet, schmuck!"

"No, give me your birth control pills, woman!"

"Stop it, both of you. Down on your knees—and pray!"

I'm seeing Gwyneth Paltrow playing a venom-spewing Ann Coulter-type, Christopher Walken, styled after right-wing "Plan B" hatchet man Dr. David Hager, and Hilary Duff, wearing a "Silver Ring Thing" T-shirt. Now that's kinky.

Kink Calendar

FRIDAY 9/9

LOCK AND KEY PARTY
The theme is "Secretary," so polish up your typing skills. Or not. Antenna of Strange Productions, Aristocrats, 220 Fourth Ave S, 9 pm, $8, 21+.

SATURDAY 9/10

LITTLE RED STUDIO MEN'S PARTY
Interactive erotic entertainment for men, with dance and spoken-word performances. Little Red Studio, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 6:30 pm, prices vary, RSVP required.

POLY POTLUCK
This bimonthly social group is open to people of all genders and orientations who are involved in or interested in polyamorous relationships. Wet Spot, www.scn.org/~spg, or 728-4533, 5 pm–8 pm, $3–$5 donation, membership not required.

TOY NIGHT AT THE REDMOND RANCH
Grab your Hitachi and your cyberskin dildo and head out to the swing club. Single men must RSVP for the waiting list, couples and single women can just show up. 425-868-8169 or www.redmond-ranch.com, doors at 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.

SUNDAY 9/11

EROTIC MASSAGE NIGHT
This evening of sensual touch, facilitated by Sacred Intimate David Longmire, is open to couples and singles. (No experience required.) Wet Spot, 270-9746 or massage@wetspot.org, 5 pm–9 pm (doors close at 6 pm), $10, members only.

WEDNESDAY 9/14

RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY CIRCUS
Too kinky for Seattle proper (where citizens have taken legislative exception to the circus's treatment of animals), the Greatest Show on Earth plops its three rings of thrills down in Everett. Featuring more than 100 human and animal performers, including plenty of God's most terrifying creature: the clown. Through Sept 18. Everett Events Center, 200 Hewitt Ave, Everett, 866-EEC-TIXX, 7:30 pm, $13–$75.