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New Column!

Dear Reverend Buddy: My pastor says Hurricane Katrina was God's judgment against the wickedness of New Orleans. Is that true? What kind of God would do that?

——Sincerely, Ben

The kind of God that's in the Bible, Ben—He often destroys sinful cities like Sodom, Jerusalem, and Hiroshima. As the Lord proclaimed to the citizens of Nineveh: "I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will show the nations thy nakedness and the kingdoms thy shame" (Nahum 3:5). Then He flooded it into oblivion.

But Christ tells us that the sins of the fleshpots are a pale stain compared to the Satanic pomposity of pastors who revel in the misfortune of the poor and think they can slam the door to heaven in their faces. Look to Matthew 23: "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretense make long prayer... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?" The people of New Orleans may be atoning for their wickedness, but your pastor will reap his reward in the razor-rimmed anus of his foul master Satan.

Previously in New Column!

Dear Reverend Buddy: I am a Christian televangelist in hot water after calling for the assassination of the godless president of Venezuela. I apologized for political reasons, but isn't it clear that God approves of killing wicked leaders?

——Yours in Jesus, Anonymous

Is that you, my wayward simoniac protégé? You of all people should know that the Lord prefers to punish wicked leaders not by killing the leaders themselves, but by killing their people. Take 1 Chronicles 21, when King David sinned by taking a census and God struck down 70,000 of his people in atonement. Or Numbers 16, when the Lord killed thousands over a political debate between Moses and Korah. Or Exodus, when our heavenly Father smote "all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast" because of Pharaoh's stubbornness (12:12). The only true way to right your wrong is to call for the execution of the entire population of Venezuela. Go forth and sin no more.

From the Sep 1 - Sep 7, 2005 issue

Dear Reverend Buddy: I was on a date with this guy and we had sex—I didn't really want to but I didn't really tell him that. Was it rape? Or sex? I'm confused.

—Yours, Alicia

It doesn't matter whether you wanted to fornicate—all that matters is where you fornicated. According to Deuteronomy 22: 23-30, "If a man find a betrothed damsel in a field, and force her, and lie with her," he should be stoned to death at the city gates. But if the man "find her in the city, and lie with her," you both should die.

Dear Reverend Buddy: I am a Christian and a public-school teacher. Our district is debating whether to teach "intelligent design." What do you think?

—Sincerely, Abigail

Creationists and evolutionists are alike in their foolish arrogance. As the Lord asked Job: "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth?" More importantly, you must resign immediately. Timothy 2:11 tells us that no woman should "teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Shame on you.