Columns

I, Anonymous

He's No Pedophile and You Know It

Steven Weissman

This is for you, the ludicrous bitch who accused that teacher of having hard drives full of child pornography on his computer. We all know and love him dearly, and he is nowhere near so moronically thickheaded as to actually confess such illegal, disgusting thoughts to you or anyone else. Though it's not as if any of us believe for a second that he actually had those thoughts in the first place. No one has ever felt that creepy feeling around him. I don't doubt that you, an ex-girlfriend of his, were simply in a grief-stricken rage after the breakup and sought a way to ruin his life forever. Boy, did you hit it right on, you iniquitous genius. Picking everyone's favorite teacher—because the rumor mill just loves when the villain is the guy you least suspected. His reputation will never recover from this, even if he is acquitted. And there is no proof. You fucked up his life. And although he never did introduce us, I'm sure that you're ugly on the inside. Please descend directly into the depths of hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

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