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I-695 TRIUMPH:
Car Tabs Cut to $30, Gary Locke Takes to His Bed

SEATTLE -- The passage of I-695 has raised more questions than it has answered, with citizens wondering what government services will be trimmed to make up for the $750 million tax cut Washington state voters treated themselves to last week. "We'll just have to wait and see," said Governor Gary Locke late last night. During a press conference conducted from his bed in the governor's mansion in Olympia, Locke seemed bleary-eyed and distracted, and the room smelled faintly of ammonia. Locke took to his bed after the recent vote with what his aides are describing as "the vapors." "The governor's doctors have recommended bed rest, rubber sheets, and minimal fluid intake," said Locke Cabinet Member Martha Choe. "Since Gary's election in 1996, Republicans have controlled the state House and Senate, so Gary's position has been largely ceremonial. The passage of I-695 means Gary will have to take positions, propose legislation, and govern. Gary isn't accustomed to governing on the statewide level, and none of us are sure he's up to it. Gary's panic attacks, bed wetting, and seizures are the least of our worries."

Last night state GOP Chairman Dale Foreman called on Gary Locke to dry his tears -- and his undies. "I'd suggest the governor resign if the will of Washington state voters has this kind of an effect on his bladder control. And I would like to remind voters that the bed Gary is wetting right now belongs to the taxpayers -- not to Gary Locke or the Democratic Party. Who will pay to replace that mattress? Taxpayers, that's who." Foreman, expected to challenge Locke for Governor in 2000, went on to point out that Locke has frequently been on the wrong side of the voters on statewide ballot initiatives or referenda. Last year, he opposed Referendum 49, which passed, providing a $30 cut in the car-tab tax. Locke also opposed I-200, the anti-affirmative action initiative passed by state voters last year, and supported I-677, the pro-gay rights initiative rejected by voters in 1997.

"He's out of touch," Foreman concluded. "And he's a bed-wetter. The people of Washington state deserve better."

GARY LOCKE Incontinent after I-695's passage.

Previously in New Column!

THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
of The Stranger's
"Design Our Mascot" Contest...

"BURNIE" the Ball of Burning Gas!
as designed by
Kara Amundson of Seattle!

We agree that Kara's winning entry, "BURNIE, the Ball of Burning Gas!" will be a terrific mascot for The Stranger, because as Kara puts it, "What's a mascot for, anyway? To inspire fear and terror, that's what! And nothing says 'fear' like the prospect of perishing in a blaze!"

Ha! Ha! Right you are, Kara! And as our grand prize winner, Kara will be whisked away on an all-expenses paid day of goofing off with Mr. I Love Television™ himself, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey. Thanks to everyone who entered, and be sure to look for The Stranger's new mascot, BURNIE, the Ball of Burning Gas, at a festival, political rally, or children's hospital near you!

From the Nov 4 - Nov 10, 1999 issue

° Can physically pass through closed doors, and travel across the span of the earth with others deceived of similar error.

° Kills unbaptized people without weapons, and after cooking their flesh, eats it, puts straw or wood in place of their hearts, and though already eaten, can bring them back to life.

° Will take a live fish, and put it in her vagina -- keeping it there until dead. She then roasts the fish and feeds it to her husband to make her man more ardent in his love.

° Lies face down on the ground, uncovers her buttocks, and tells someone to make bread on her naked buttocks.

° Changes into the form of a goat, and bleats the following request, "You must be mine, or I will forthwith break your neck."

° Mixes menstrual blood with husband's food or drink.

° Bestows a foul kiss on the hind parts of a toad or dog, and sucks the animal's tongue.

° Collects up to 30 male organs, puts them in a bird's nest or a box (where they writhe as if still alive), and feeds them corn and oats.

If thou answered "Aye!" to any of these examples,

Then Thy Neighbor Art a Witch!

[Witch Quiz information courtesy of the following texts: Pope Gregory IX, Vox in Rama (Rome, 1232); Trial of a Sorcerer ManquÉ (Florence, 1404); Heinrich Krämer & Jacob Sprenger, The Hammer of Witches (Germany, 1486); Prosecution of a Witch at Bamberg (Germany, 1628); and Burchard of Worms, Corrector (Germany, c. 1008-12).]

From the Oct 28 - Nov 3, 1999 issue

Hey Aquaman,

I've been baiting my crabpots with rotting fish-heads -- with so-so results. My buddy says I should use cans of dogfood with holes poked in the sides. You know crabs; what should I do?

Peter "The Crabber" Lusby

Peter, you PRICK!

You can't fool me! I know that "baiting the crabpot" is a term for something GAY!! And... I... Am NOT... GAY!! YOU'RE the one that's gay -- not me! So why don't you go "poke some holes in a dogfood can"? And what's with all this "you know crabs" bullshit? You think I'm gay, so you automatically assume I have crabs? You disgust me!

Dear Aquaman,

I'm sorry to hear that you're not gay. You were the first man I ever had a crush on, at age 10, when I would rush home from school to see Superfriends. I loved your kindness towards the giant spermwhale. My apartment is small, but if you ever needed a place to hang out, I'd be happy to fill my bathtub for you.

Jeffrey Todd

Dear Jeffrey,

Why... thank you. That's really, really sweet. Though I am not gay, it's nice to hear some encouraging words from... HEY! WAITASECOND! I was never friendly to any "spermwhale"! You're making fun of me!! Fuck YOU, Jeffrey! And that goes for the rest of you, too! Take this job and shove it up your gay asses, because I quit! And by the way... I AM NOT GAY!!!!

Do YOU need advice from Aquaman? Well... sorry, he quit. Savage needs some letters, though -- and he's gay like Aquaman. Send them to letters@savagelove.net.