MONDAY, JULY 2 This week of awful suction, raging rape, and deep, unrelenting horror kicks off today with nothing, unless you count the commuting of Lewis "Convicted Liar and Conspiracist" Libby's two-and-a-half-year prison sentence by George W. Bush.
TUESDAY, JULY 3 Speaking of galling doings: Today brings the first of the week's soul-molesting horror stories, this one from Chicago, where a difference of opinion between a pair of funeral-home workers led to unimaginable mayhem. The perpetrator: 19-year-old Nicholas Gutierrez, who lived on the premises of the Northwest Side funeral home with his male partner. The victim: Gutierrez's 51-year-old coworker Mary Stachowicz, a practicing Catholic and mother of four who reportedly made a habit of citing biblical condemnations of homosexuality while urging Gutierrez to repent his sinful lifestyle. Things moved from questionable pestering to deadly violence on November 13, 2002, when Stachowicz allegedly asked Gutierrez, "Why do you have sex with boys instead of girls?" In response, Gutierrez beat, raped, stabbed, and strangled Stachowicz, then stuffed her garbage-bag-wrapped corpse in a funeral-home crawlspace. In November 2006, 23-year-old Gutierrez was found guilty of first-degree murder and sexual assault. Today, he was sentenced to life in prison, escaping the death penalty thanks to what defense lawyers cited as "a history of severe physical and emotional abuse." Condolences to all, especially the family and friends of Mary Stachowicz, a lady who clearly didn't deserve to be raped and murdered for her loud-mouthed beliefs, and who is now being paraded as a posthumous poster child for the liberal bias of the mainstream media, which conservative Christians blast (perhaps rightly) for turning Matthew Shepard into a world-renowned martyr while dismissing Mary Stachowicz as just another Catholic woman fatally attacked by a gay man for her religious beliefs.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4 Just in time for Independence Day, today God gave liberal-hating right-wingers a heaping helping of schadenfreude porn, carried on the able shoulders of Al Gore III, the 24-year-old son of the ex–vice president/current global-warming warrior, who was caught this morning doing 100 mph down the San Diego Freeway in a drug-packed Prius. Details come from ABC News, which reports an Orange County sheriff's deputy found a "quantity" of marijuana along with two prescription bottles containing Valium, Vicodin, Xanax, and Adderall, none of which Gore had prescriptions for. Today's arrest marks Gore III's second in-car pot bust in four years; the troubled young motorist has also been cited numerous times for reckless driving and arrested once for drunk driving. As for today's fracas: Al Gore III was booked into the Santa Ana Inmate Reception Center on narcotics possession charges and released on $20,000 bail, and the Prius was impounded.
THURSDAY, JULY 5 Nothing happened today, unless you count one of the worst stories in the history of this godforsaken column, summed up with horrific precision by its headline: "Pool Drain Pulls Small Intestine Out of Young Girl." Details come from Minneapolis news station WCCO, which reports the accidental disemboweling occurred last Friday, after 6-year-old Abigail Taylor sat over an open drain hole in a wading pool at the Minneapolis Golf Club. According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the pressure on some pool drains can be as strong as 300 pounds per square inch, and the suction from the golf club's improperly covered drain was enough to cause a two-inch tear in Abigail Taylor's rectum and suck out her small intestine, almost all of which was found in the pool filter. What's more, Abigail Taylor survived, undergoing hours of surgery at Minneapolis Children's Hospital, where she's said to be steadily improving. "We view it as a miracle that she's still with us," said her father to WCCO, which reports Abigail will spend the rest of her life being fed intravenously and wearing a colostomy bag. Deep condolences to the Taylors, whose pain and suffering will hopefully be mitigated by a bazillion-dollar settlement.
FRIDAY, JULY 6 To help take your mind off that horrible story, here's an even worse story, straight outta West Palm Beach, Florida, where two teenagers have been arrested on charges of gang-raping a mother and forcing her to have sex with her 12-year-old son. According to police reports cited by WPBF-TV, the diabolical assault took place on the night of June 18, when a group of 10 teens allegedly forced their way into the unnamed woman's Dunbar Village home. Once inside, the teens corralled the mother and her preteen son into separate bedrooms, where the boy had a plate smashed over his head and numerous household liquids poured into his eyes, while the mother was beaten and raped by all 10 teens. Soul-crushing finale: Investigators said the boy was forced at gunpoint to participate in the sexual assault. After more than 20 minutes inside the home, the attackers fled, and the woman and her son walked a mile to the hospital. This week brought the arrest of two of the alleged attackers—14-year-old Avion Lawson and 16-year-old Nathan Walker—both of whom are being charged as adults with armed home invasion, armed sexual battery, sexual performance by a child, and aggravated battery, and remain held without bail in the Palm Beach County Jail. Police say they are still searching for eight more attackers, all of whom they believe to be between 14 and 18 years old.
SATURDAY, JULY 7 In much lighter news: The week continues with a literal "man bites dog" story from Beijing, China, where a man protected his beloved puppy from a ferocious dog attack by biting the attacking dog to death. "Awakened by the puppy's yelps, the villager named Geng first tried to chase the dog away by hurling watermelons at it," reports Reuters. "The farmer then threw himself on the dog, clamping his teeth around its neck and eventually killing it." (In next week's installment of Clichés Come True: Someone leaves a cake out in the rain.)
SUNDAY, JULY 8 The week ends, most fittingly, with Hot Tipper Jenohn. "This evening I was at Sea-Tac waiting for the 10:02 p.m. Metro Express to West Seattle when I noticed a young guy standing on one of the decorative rocks nearby. He was wearing a red tank top and jeans with his giant stiffy sticking out of his fly with what looked like a rubber or plastic Porky Pig head fastened to it. He was air-humping away and making a lot of people waiting for the bus very nervous. When I got on the bus he was still wandering around the transit departure area, Porky Pig leading the way. I had just flown in from Montana and am actually very happy to be back in the city again."
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