It's time for another episode recap of the reality TV show that exists only in my mind: America's Next Top Dominatrix.
To remind you, this show is about a group of women—a mixture of vanilla sex workers and kinky amateur female dominants—competing to be anointed by me as the next super-hot pro domme. Yes, on this show, I am the Tyra Banks of pro dominance, although some days I act more like Janice Dickinson.
In this second episode, I assign all of the Mistresses-in-Training a slave boy who is to attend them around the clock. They all think it's great—until each of them realize that they must now think of tasks to keep their slave boy busy, otherwise he never, ever leaves them alone. Ever. He won't so much as go to the bathroom without first enacting an ostentatious and prolonged ritual of permission-seeking. If the slave boy doesn't like the tasks he's given, he sulks and whines, and if the MIT stops paying attention to him for very long, he whines even more. The slave boys also pester the MITs to wear tightly laced corsets and stiletto heels all-day, every-day.
The sex-worker MITs soon put in a request for ball gags from the show's Bondage Supply Room. The amateur MITs, knowing that ball gags don't really render someone mute, instead resort to duct tape and threats.
While dealing with their new slaves, the MITs must also answer a simulated client line—with actors pretending to be callers—they must discourage the phone-wankers and woo the good clients. The MIT who successfully books the highest number of "good clients" is safe from elimination each week. And in every week's calls, one is included from a man who drops clues that he's (A) dangerous or (B) a cop. Scheduling a session with this caller means elimination. The clues are fairly obvious at first—"If I give you more money, will you have sex with me?"—but he will become harder to catch each week.
And each day, they are given a surprise task. The first task of this episode is: Each MIT is given a bag of dirty urethral sounds—i.e., long, slender rods that are inserted into the penis. They'll be needed for a client who's coming tomorrow, but they have to be sterilized first. The first one to find some way of sterilizing them wins. (No, they can't just go buy more.) The winner turns out to be a heavily inked stripper named Electra. While the other girls are still Googling "sterilization techniques," she immediately hits the street, canvassing tattoo and piercing parlors. She finds an empty shop staffed by a bored butch dyke who allows Electra to flirt and wheedle her into running the sounds through the shop's autoclave. Electra leaves her phone number and returns victorious to the dungeon with the clean instruments.
The next task: A high-roller client who is into cross-dressing wants a Mistress to take him out shopping. The MITs must find a lingerie store that carries larger sizes, is accepting of men who like satin and lace, and is available for private after-hours shopping. The winner is an amateur domme named Cassandra who utilizes her day job: organizing in-home lingerie parties.
Punk-rock Electra and kinky MILF Cassandra are emerging as the girls to beat. But can one of them win the next task, in which I challenge the MITs to pee in front of all the other assembled MITs and their slave boys? While standing on one tiptoe? Without getting one's thigh-high boots wet? Shy bladders with bad aim will be sent home.
THURSDAY 8/30
GRIND
Grind is the Wet Spot's kinky dance party: goth and industrial music, sex, and BDSM with a younger, more style-conscious crowd. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, info@wetspot.org, 9 pm—1 am, $15, members and their guests only.
TRANNYPORN SCREENING WITH DEX HARDLOVE
Seattle debut of Trannywood Pictures porn film, Cubbyholes. Star Dex Hardlove, of www.trannywoodpictures.com, will be on hand (so to speak) to answer questions. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7 pm, free.
FRIDAY 8/31
TOTALLY QUEER PARTY
A BDSM party for the queers, including: gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, and gender-fluid people. Basically, if you don't fit in at any other play-party, come to this one. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, info@wetspot.org, 7 pm—1:30 am, $20, members and their guests only.
CRITIQUE MANIA!
One of about fifty writers across the country will critique any submission of poetry or prose, as long as there's $20 in the envelope. Ostensibly, this is a fundraiser for the Whidbey Island Writers Association, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is a front to satisfy some literary kink—savaging people's terrible writing and getting them to pay for the privilege is sadism of the highest order. (Today is the deadline for submissions.) Whidbey Island Writers Association, PO Box 1289, Langley, WA 98260. Precise guidelines at www.writeonwhidbey.org.
SATURDAY 9/1
NORTHWEST LEATHERSIR CONTEST
Leather contests in bars are a venerable kinky tradition. Come see the pervy people compete for the titles LeatherSir, leatherboy, and community bootblack. The Cuff Complex, 1533 13th Ave, 323-1525, www.northwestleathersir.com, 7 pm, $5, 21+.
SUNDAY 9/2
JEFF HENGST EROTIC ART SHOW/SALE
Seattle artist and Little Red Studio creator Jeff Hengst has been making erotic sculptures and paintings since circa 1992. Little Red Studio, 750 Harrison St, and Hengst Studios, 1506 Franklin Ave E, 328-4758, 1—7 pm, free.
