Columns

Celebrity I Saw U

Terrible and Wonderful

Kathryn Rathke

So it was SIFF’s opening night gala, of course, and Jessica Biel and I were on the red carpet, so naturally I blurted out, “WHO are you WEARING!?” and she replied, “Miss Davenport!” And although I had a painful suspicion that Miss Davenport is a Kmart brand or something, I didn’t laugh, because she was just too pretty and nice to me and had such lovely hair. But then I got home and looked it up, and Miss Davenport actually isn’t a Kmart brand at all, thank God, so now I am extra glad that I didn’t laugh. And that’s all I have to say about that. And Jessica Biel is not Jennifer Beals, so put that idea right out of your mind.

Also, Greg Nickels was on the red carpet too, but I ignored him. I’m sure you understand. And it was obvious who he was wearing, anyway. Men’s Wearhouse.

Then, somewhere else: Brangelina had a baby and its head popped off. Brangelina’s head, not the baby’s, apparently. It’s not like I was there to actually watch the squiggling little thing as it clawed a chunky escape from its abdominal meat prison or anything. Jesus. You can be really disgusting.

And then, like a terrible and wonderful dream, it vanished—mere seconds after it strangely appeared: “No more chains/That you gave me/Enough of pain/Manipulation is the key/They screw it in/Because you’re naive.” It was a cryptic cry-for-help-in-verse that was apparently posted on the Britney Spears official website (www.vapidsnatch.com), apparently by Britney Spears herself. It continued: “You come to me now/Why do you bother?/Remember the bible/The sins of the father/What you do/You pass down/No wonder why/I lost my crown.” Indeed. This pitiful outcry leaves absolutely no doubt that Britney has finally woken to the horror that is Kevin Federline, and that her tortured prose, though revealing, just really sucks.

Lastly: A very thoughtful somebody sent me a photo of a penis. Allegedly, it is Pete Wentz’s penis, and he is the bassist of something called “Fall Out Boy,” and if the evidence is to be believed, Pete Wentz has a pretty, pretty penis. Please be advised that I am not saying that it IS a picture of Pete Wentz’s penis, I’m just saying that it is a very pretty picture of somebody’s pretty penis, and that if you want to see the very pretty penis picture that I am not saying is Pete Wentz’s, well, then you’ll want to be visiting www.adrianryan.com, now won’t you?

Of course you will.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com

 

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