So it was SIFFâs opening night gala, of course, and Jessica Biel and I were on the red carpet, so naturally I blurted out, âWHO are you WEARING!?â and she replied, âMiss Davenport!â And although I had a painful suspicion that Miss Davenport is a Kmart brand or something, I didnât laugh, because she was just too pretty and nice to me and had such lovely hair. But then I got home and looked it up, and Miss Davenport actually isnât a Kmart brand at all, thank God, so now I am extra glad that I didnât laugh. And thatâs all I have to say about that. And Jessica Biel is not Jennifer Beals, so put that idea right out of your mind.
Also, Greg Nickels was on the red carpet too, but I ignored him. Iâm sure you understand. And it was obvious who he was wearing, anyway. Menâs Wearhouse.
Then, somewhere else: Brangelina had a baby and its head popped off. Brangelinaâs head, not the babyâs, apparently. Itâs not like I was there to actually watch the squiggling little thing as it clawed a chunky escape from its abdominal meat prison or anything. Jesus. You can be really disgusting.
And then, like a terrible and wonderful dream, it vanishedâmere seconds after it strangely appeared: âNo more chains/That you gave me/Enough of pain/Manipulation is the key/They screw it in/Because youâre naive.â It was a cryptic cry-for-help-in-verse that was apparently posted on the Britney Spears official website (www.vapidsnatch.com), apparently by Britney Spears herself. It continued: âYou come to me now/Why do you bother?/Remember the bible/The sins of the father/What you do/You pass down/No wonder why/I lost my crown.â Indeed. This pitiful outcry leaves absolutely no doubt that Britney has finally woken to the horror that is Kevin Federline, and that her tortured prose, though revealing, just really sucks.
Lastly: A very thoughtful somebody sent me a photo of a penis. Allegedly, it is Pete Wentzâs penis, and he is the bassist of something called âFall Out Boy,â and if the evidence is to be believed, Pete Wentz has a pretty, pretty penis. Please be advised that I am not saying that it IS a picture of Pete Wentzâs penis, Iâm just saying that it is a very pretty picture of somebodyâs pretty penis, and that if you want to see the very pretty penis picture that I am not saying is Pete Wentzâs, well, then youâll want to be visiting www.adrianryan.com, now wonât you?
Of course you will.
Send! adrian@thestranger.com