A selection of the more interesting voice mails I've gotten lately.

BEEP! "Hello, my name is Sheila, and I'm calling you because—well, I know you're a domme and you don't do sex, so if someone called you looking for sex, could you refer them to me instead? Because I'm interested in getting into the call-girl thing. So call me and we can get together and talk about my rates and stuff, okay? Thanks, bye." END OF MESSAGE.

Sorry, Sheila. There's a word for what you're asking me to do, and that word is "illegal." Yes, I write about sex work, and I support other sex workers. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to pimp out any random stranger who calls me up (because I'm not). Sheila will not be getting a call back.

NEXT MESSAGE: "Um, hi Mistress Matisse, my name's Ed, we haven't met, but I was wondering if you can help me. I'm looking for one of those very high-end sex dolls. You know, they call them 'Realdolls' and they're like really lifelike and beautiful and all. But they cost like $6,000 and I can't afford that, so I was wondering if you knew where I could buy a used one. Call me back..." END OF MESSAGE.

A used sex doll? Somehow it's hard to believe that thrift is Ed's only motivation here. When I danced at the Lusty Lady peepshow, there used to be this guy who'd come in and lick the inside of the windows. The dried-jizz-stained windows. It was a fetish, albeit a risky one. But regardless of what Ed is really about here, I do not have a connection for a great deal on discarded silicone companions.

NEXT MESSAGE: "Hi there, pretty lady. My name's Jim, and I'm staying at the Westin. I'm not into this whole 'S and M' thing—that's a little too out there for me, heh heh—but you look like a cutie, so why don't we go out to dinner and just... you know, talk, heh heh heh. Eight p.m. tonight? Call me back..." END OF MESSAGE.

Guys, I have to ask: Does this shit actually work? Because I get these calls fairly regularly, and I don't want to believe there are professional dominatrixes who say, "Sure, honey, I have nothing better to do than have dinner with a stranger who isn't going to pay me for my time, and who basically wants to use me like a carnival sideshow for erotic titillation and the kind of superior feeling he usually gets from watching Jerry Springer. That sounds great." He may think he's not into this whole "S and M" thing, but I think he needs to be spanked firmly with a wooden paddle—and then pissed on.

NEXT MESSAGE: "Matisse, this is Sheila again. Look, I called you a couple of days ago and you never returned my call and I have to say, I think that was very rude. You're very rude. I am just trying to network here, and I think a lot of the ladies in Seattle are being very rude and cold to me." END OF MESSAGE.

Our Sheila isn't so quick on the uptake, is she? Sheila, babe, I hear that you're making cold calls and no one's warming up to you. But instead of getting pissy at your leads, perhaps you should examine your pitch, if not your whole product. And perhaps you should also schedule a consultation with an attorney to sharpen your understanding of the word "felony."

NEXT MESSAGE: "Hi, I just have a question. Have you ever thought about teaching a women's self-defense class? I'd love to be your practice dummy—I could wear one of those big padded suits and let all the women kick me and hit me." END OF MESSAGE.

Despite what you may think, I actually don't get many callers looking for straight sex. I get callers who want to dress up in a marshmallow suit and be attacked by a women's karate class. (Not that I'm in any way qualified to teach one.)


Kink Calendar



The private, men-only JO club celebrates its one-year anniversary by waiving the event fee for current members. New time! raincityjacks.org or rc@raincityjacks.org, 7–10 pm, membership required.



Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the boys. All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746, men-only@wetspot.org, 10 pm–3 am, $15, members only, male ID required.


Tamara the Trapeze Lady hosts this sexy variety show featuring music by Orchestra L'Pow and burlesque diva Miss Indigo Blue. Columbia City Theatre, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 723-0088. $15, 21+ columbiacitytheater.com



Grow your sexual awareness and your intimacy with your partner through sensual touch, movement, communication, and breath work. Yoga Barn Studio, Issaquah, intimacyretreats.com, $595 per couple, preregistration required.



At this sultry summer feast, chefs Juli Guillemette, Toi Sennhauser, and Tyler Oines create a sexy multicourse dinner, and the LRS troupe provides erotic entertainment. Little Red Studio, 328-4758, littleredstudioseattle.com, 7:30 pm, $120 per person, RSVP required.


Love Lounge is an "adult social club" that holds events for bi women and male/female couples—no single men, please. Lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9:30 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+.



A clothing-optional "swim and be social" event at an indoor pool. The Longhouse in Redmond, pool@wetspot.org or 270-9746, noon–4 pm, $10, RSVP required.


Join dog-lovers of all stripes at Seattle's fourth annual Canine Festival, featuring obedience showcases, "dancing with dogs" demonstrations, doggie high tea, and—hubba hubba—meet-the-breed booths. Magnuson Park, 7400 Sand Point Way NE, hanger 27, 10 am–5 pm, free.