The Queer Issue
I Am Not a Butt Plug
The Queer Issue
- Divorced From Reality: The Constitutional Amendment We Really Need Would Protect Us from Family-Values Hypocrites—and Protect Family-Values Hypocrites from Themselves
- George W. Bush's effort to write anti-gay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution died in the U.S. Senate earlier this month. That came as a relief, as did Tim Eyman's failure to get his anti-gay-rights referendum on the ballot in Washington State. But we haven't seen the last of the federal anti-gay-marriage amendment. (Or Eyman.)
- Pride 2006 Events Calendar: Pride Week Festivities, from the Broadway Grill's ABBA tribute to Wildrose's Wet T-Shirt Contest
- Pride Events
- Ban Heterosexual Complacency: Meet the Oppressed Sexual Majority
- Amend It to End It: A Risky Amendment Could Stop the Emerging Anti-Gay-Adoption Movement in Its Tracks
- The Fag-Hag Emancipation Act of 2006: The First Thing We're Banning Is the Term "Fag Hag." The Next Thing to Go Is That Gay Ex-Nazi Trucker in My Living Room.
- Marry Me a Little: The Civil Union Instigation Act
- I Am Not a Butt Plug
- The Seven Year Ditch
- No Queer Child Left Behind: We Need to Remember "Our" Kids During Pride
- Ban the Abs: A Few New Regulations for Gay "Art" Photographers and Their Patrons
- PRO & CON: Ban Girls from Engaging in Drunken Displays of Faux-Bisexuality
- Scummy Film: It's Time for a Moratorium on Bad Gay Movies
- Life Sentence: A Fitting Punishment for Political Closet Cases
- Ex-Ex-Gay Reparations
- Legislating Tolerance: Making Health Clubs a Safe Space for Heterosexual Men
- Waiting Periods: Legislatures Across the Country Have Approved Waiting Periods for Gun Purchases and Abortions; We'd Like to Propose These Queer-Specific Waiting Periods
- Three Strikes, You're Out: A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Unpardonable Gay Crimes
- Comic: Woodland Creatures Speak Up for the Appropriating Names of Wildlife Restriction
We've all heard the stories: homosexual men, drunk with lust, driven to satisfy their anal urges with a well-placed, strategically de-clawed gerbil whose frantic lower-intestinal death scramble delivers the homosexual a reputedly sublime sexual pleasure. Despite 50 years of searching—and no matter whatever your cousin the ambulance driver told you about Richard Gere—medical history has failed to confirm even a single instance of so-called "gerbilling," or "gerbil stuffing," occurring anywhere, ever. Still, the story lives on—sullying the reputation of gays, of course, but also doing irreparable damage to an even more vulnerable and defenseless group: the gerbil community.
Which brings me to my true purpose: Encouraging your support of Referendum 233, commonly known as the Gerbil Protection Act of 2006. By supporting this measure, you'll be liberating an entire innocent species from the oppression of a most malicious urban legend. What did we gerbils do to deserve such a hideous fate? With our inquisitive nature and placid temperament, all we want is your respect and affection, along with clean cedar chips and a full water bottle. Instead, we are defamed, horribly defamed. Trust me: Having the whole world believe you're doomed to die after being shoved up someone's butthole is almost as degrading as actually being shoved up someone's butthole.
If adolescent heterosexual males insist on perpetuating sexual myths about homosexuals, fine. Just leave us gerbils out of it. Pick on some other creature. Defame the ferret. Ferrets are disgusting already, and have naturally intestine-friendly contours. Free the gerbils. Support Referendum 233.