The Queer Issue
We've all heard the stories: homosexual men, drunk with lust, driven to satisfy their anal urges with a well-placed, strategically de-clawed gerbil whose frantic lower-intestinal death scramble delivers the homosexual a reputedly sublime sexual pleasure. Despite 50 years of searching—and no matter whatever your cousin the ambulance driver told you about Richard Gere—medical history has failed to confirm even a single instance of so-called "gerbilling," or "gerbil stuffing," occurring anywhere, ever. Still, the story lives on—sullying the reputation of gays, of course, but also doing irreparable damage to an even more vulnerable and defenseless group: the gerbil community.
Which brings me to my true purpose: Encouraging your support of Referendum 233, commonly known as the Gerbil Protection Act of 2006. By supporting this measure, you'll be liberating an entire innocent species from the oppression of a most malicious urban legend. What did we gerbils do to deserve such a hideous fate? With our inquisitive nature and placid temperament, all we want is your respect and affection, along with clean cedar chips and a full water bottle. Instead, we are defamed, horribly defamed. Trust me: Having the whole world believe you're doomed to die after being shoved up someone's butthole is almost as degrading as actually being shoved up someone's butthole.
If adolescent heterosexual males insist on perpetuating sexual myths about homosexuals, fine. Just leave us gerbils out of it. Pick on some other creature. Defame the ferret. Ferrets are disgusting already, and have naturally intestine-friendly contours. Free the gerbils. Support Referendum 233.