The Queer Issue

Queer Issue 2006

Pride 2006 Events Calendar

Pride Events

Divorced From Reality

Ban Heterosexual Complacency

Amend It to End It

The Fag-Hag Emancipation Act of 2006

Marry Me a Little

I Am Not a Butt Plug

The Seven Year Ditch

No Queer Child Left Behind

Ban the Abs

PRO & CON: Ban Girls from Engaging in Drunken Displays of Faux-Bisexuality

Scummy Film

Life Sentence

Legislating Tolerance

Waiting Periods

Three Strikes, You're Out

Comic

Colleen Coover

The ex-ex-gay is a double recidivist. He comes out of the closet only to lapse back into the closet, a transformation he credits to the ex-gay ministries just before—shocker!—he lapses again, back into sucking cock. Such flip-floppers should be forced to make reparations.

Wade Richards became a poster boy for the ex-gay movement in his 20s. His experience demonstrates one way to make good: He came out, then became an ex-gay, then debunked the ex-gay experience, then started a website (www.standoutyouth.com) and began hanging out with prominent gay figures like U.S. Representative Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisconsin) and calling bullshit on the "propaganda of hate" put forward by those who still push reparative therapy for gay people.

That's nice and all, but since not everyone has the opportunity to hang out with Tammy Baldwin, here are some other suggestions for those in search of ex-ex-gay atonement:

1. Go triple-ex (that is, ex-ex-ex gay). Take a camera with you, record some of the furtive gay sex that's certainly going on in those homo-reeducation camps, and write a tell-all book that includes the phrases "men of the ministries" and "hot ex-gay on ex-gay action" in its title.

2. Do something for the community that you screwed back when you endorsed the ex-gay life. Pick something suitably self-flagellating, for instance: Attend every interminable meeting of the Seattle Pride Steering Committee (and then attend every meeting of the disgruntled rival faction that's holding a second, nondowntown parade this year).

3. Do something for gay mental health: Snatch up all the pseudo-ephedrine within an eight-mile radius of Capitol Hill, snatch up all the Chihuahuas within an eight-mile radius of Capitol Hill, and snatch up (and then burn) every single ticket to every single performance of the Seattle Men's Chorus's new offering, Our Mighty Men (featuring a moving tribute to Jack and Ennis). If Catholicism has taught us anything, it's that suffering is the greatest penance.