The Queer Issue

Waiting Periods

Legislatures Across the Country Have Approved Waiting Periods for Gun Purchases and Abortions; We'd Like to Propose These Queer-Specific Waiting Periods

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Steve MacIsaac

The Queer Issue

Gay Adoption/Lesbian Insemination Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Dan Savage

This bill would require same-sex couples to allow one full year to pass between the moment they first consider becoming parents and when they actually initiate adoption proceedings (for male couples) or insemination treatments (for female couples). (A special provision in the law would allow male couples to continue indulging in insemination during the waiting period.) One of the few advantages that same-sex couples enjoy over opposite-sex couples is a built-in protection against accidental or impulsive parenthood. As the awareness of and social tolerance for families headed by same-sex couples increase, some same-sex couples have been tempted to rush into adoption and/or insemination. A child, however, is an awesome, crushing, sex-life-hampering responsibility, not an impulse purchase or a status symbol. A state-mandated period of reflection—on your fitness to parent, on your selection of a mate, on your willingness to catch the vomit of another human being in your bare, cupped hands—is therefore advisable.

An amendment to this bill would require heterosexuals who wish to parent to observe a similar waiting period—but of no less than two years.

Mesh Shirt Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Christopher Frizzelle

This bill applies a mandatory three-day waiting period to the purchase of any semi-transparent mesh shirt in black, purple, pink, green, red, orange, yellow, camouflage, or any other conceivable hue, by any adult male residing in the United States, which period of time should be spent: (1) weightlifting, and (2) saying goodbye to those acquaintances, exes, and family members (but especially exes) who will be crossing the street to avoid you.

Disclosure of Straightness Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Eli Sanders

This bill seeks to limit the amount of time homosexuals waste chasing after heterosexual people who appear homosexual, know it, and like the attention. In recognition of the potentially pleasurable nature of the tease (for both the sought-after heterosexual and the deluded homosexual), a maximum waiting period of one hour is allowed to the heterosexual who realizes he or she is being hit on by a homosexual and yet coyly decides not to mention his or her preference for penis-to-vagina sex. During this hour, said heterosexual person may talk about phallic symbols with said homosexual; may notice said homosexual noticing his tight jeans and ankle socks (for example); may discuss drag queens (for example) with said homosexual while walking (for example) down the Las Vegas Strip and holding (for example) an alcoholic beverage container whose phallic nature (see above) has already been remarked upon; may make allusions to past homosexual encounters when said homosexual casually fishes for such information; and may otherwise toy with said homosexual's burning desire to sleep with him/her. At the close of one hour (and not, for example, two days) said heterosexual must make plain that he or she is not, ever, going to have sex with said homosexual.

Violations of this waiting period will result in said straight person having to (at the very least) make out with said homosexual. Penalties double in Las Vegas.

Waiting Period for Lesbians Processing an Argument

Proposed by Senator Trisha Ready

This bill establishes a mandatory five-day waiting period during which time two ladies cannot discuss, attempt to resolve, or refuel a major argument via the vehicle of processing. "Processing" refers to two women discussing the same event, or series of events, over and over until both parties are lost in a maze of abstractions, associative dead ends, and unresolved childhood issues. During the waiting period each woman can process the event ad nauseam with a friend, a dog, a shrink, or write hateful missives in her journal. In the meantime, the women are permitted to discuss other subjects, such as what to eat for dinner, why the L Word is such a stupid and poorly written show, and "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

First Lesbian HaircutWaiting Period

Proposed by Senator Amy Jenniges

This bill seeks to limit the damage newly-out lesbians inflict upon their hair in an effort to begin attracting members of the same sex (and repelling everyone else). Whereas a short butch haircut might look great on some women—and whereas other women might not care if they look great or not, but do want short hair nonetheless—a waiting period of 60 days is required to ensure that any haircut involving the use of hair clippers, performed in a barber shop or by your best new lesbian friend, is the haircut the lesbian actually wants and is not simply an outward declaration of Sapphic interest. Sixty days is enough time for a lesbian to realize that she can signal to those who need to know that she is gay without a buzz cut. It is also enough time, should the lesbian in fact be determined to chop off her hair, to find a stylist who can do so properly.

Crescent Tavern Toilet Perpetual Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Adrian Ryan

A bill disallowing the use of the Crescent Tavern toilet for any reason whatsoever, including but not limited to "number one" or "number two" or any combination of numbers one and two, vomiting, booty-bumps, or surreptitious blow-jobbery, with allowances for the occasional emergency use of said toilet by accredited representatives of the CDC for research and/or vaccine-development purposes and/or those outfitted in and lawfully licensed to operate a Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus (SCUBA).

Real Estate Reality Check Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Andrea Demajewski

This bill proposes a one-month waiting period associated with the decision to make a joint purchase of real estate. Whereas the realtor may be attractive and have cookies on a plate, and whereas the imaginative soul will gaze at a blackberry-choked appliance dump/postage-stamp-sized yard and imagine a tiki-torch-lit patio carpeted with dirty-martini-swilling A-list gays, no house purchase may be set into motion without a waiting period of one month. Before either party is sweating over two-foot-high stacks of incomprehensible paperwork at the title agency, paperwork intended to cement a 30-year tomb of debt in which they will suffocate together, each must ask him- or herself if he or she has reason to believe that the other will remain trustworthy, reliable, and still somehow sexy. If there is a significant "fixer" factor present, certain eventualities must be investigated. For example, is partner susceptible to "back problems" that may render them unavailable for their fair share of (1) moving boxes of books, (2) oral sex, and/or (3) refinishing hardwood floors?

Dissolution of a Relationship Involving Real Estate Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Andrea Demajewski

When the relationship as outlined in the previous bill dissolves, the partner who is less guilty of transgressions, including but not limited to cheating, lying, and becoming straight, may find him- or herself with the option of "buying out" the more guilty partner. The guilty party is due all sums he/she already put into the house, plus half of any increase in value since date of purchase. The less guilty party then at least gets to keep the house in which to lick his/her wounds, while the guilty party must find a crappy apartment in which to feel ashamed. Through nobody's fault except legions of overcompensated high-tech workers, the value of the home that the parties purchased in happier times may have appreciated ridiculously. Consequently, the non-guilty may be expected fork over an exorbitant sum of cash to the guilty just to get him or her out of the goddamned house. Thusly, the dissolution of the relationship shall be followed immediately by the departure of the guilty party, with the sums owed thereto to be paid off over a period of time proportionate to the time the property has been owned, multiplied by its proximity to a Trader Joe's.

Display of Penis on Craig's List Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Adrian Ryan

Whereas the proliferation of revolting penises and appalling asses on Craig's List poses a significant threat to public mental health and sexual appetite, this bill would disallow the posting of any ass, cock, or ass and/or cock photographs on Craig's List without prior submission for approval by a horny subcommittee of gay Seattle City Council staff members. The approval process may last anywhere from a matter of seconds to a matter of weeks, during which time it is strongly recommended you change your mind.

Creation of Gay Erotica Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Brendan Kiley

This bill requires that homosexual "writers" spend no fewer than two weeks reading—not skimming, reading—"gay erotica" before asking any other "reader" to endure his or her new contribution to the genre; that such aforementioned "writers" learn the definition of "hackneyed" by heart; and, in said contributions to the genre, that the penis not be referred to as a "boypole," "cum stick," "flesh piston," or "goop shooter." As most creators of gay erotica are primarily motivated by meager fiscal remuneration, modest fines will act as a sufficient deterrent to any would-be violators of the foregoing resolutions.

Resigning Yourself to Lesbian Bed Death Waiting Period

Proposed by Senator Amy Jenniges

This bill would require lesbian couples to try everything in their power—e.g., sex toys, therapy, third parties, porn, a change of scenery—before giving up and declaring themselves victims of the so-called lesbian bed death. After exhausting the above measures and polling their lesbian friends for other suggested remedies, a waiting period of two years is required before the self-diagnosis of lesbian bed death can be used by the couple. The lengthy waiting period is intended to discourage the casual or premature use of the term lesbian bed death, as doing so may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No on Tim Eyman

Proposed by Senator Adrian Ryan

This bill prohibits and bans the literal, physical, and essential existence of Tim Eyman under any circumstances, to be recognized both publicly and privately, in perpetuity. That is all.

 

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