MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 This week of creepy creeps, creepier creeps, and the life-affirming power of great art kicks off today with the creepy case of J. D. Roy Atchison, the federal prosecutor from Florida accused of arranging an interstate sex date with a 5-year-old girl. Details come from Florida authorities, who told the Pensacola News Journal of the online chats the 53-year-old Atchison had been engaging in with what he believed was a mother interested in selling the sexual services of her 5-year-old daughter. Since August 29, Atchison had almost daily contact with the alleged pimp-mom, e-mailing graphic descriptions of the sex acts he hoped to perform with her daughter. Yesterday, Atchison flew from Pensacola (where he's worked in the U.S. Attorney's Office since the late 1980s) to the mother/daughter's hometown of Detroit, where he learned the blessed truth: The pimp-mom was an undercover officer, the allegedly sexy 5-year-old was a fiction, and he was thoroughly busted. As the Pensacola News Journal reports, in the most upsetting sentence of the year, "Atchison arrived at the airport Sunday with a Dora the Explorer doll, hoop earrings, and petroleum jelly." Atchison was indicted on three charges that could put him in prison for life: attempted enticement of a minor using the internet, aggravated sexual abuse, and traveling across state lines to have sex with someone under 12.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 From the Vaseline-wielding federal prosecutor to the morbidly obese woman whose skin grafted over her sofa, this column has seen its share of memorable protagonists. Today brings another: Leroy Carr, the 46-year-old man in Federal Way who forced his way into the Last Days Hall of Fame by phoning federal agents to report his 31 missing kilograms of cocaine. Details come from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer: On August 7, Carr made his fateful call, informing Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents of the two backpacks loaded with cocaine that he'd stashed in some bushes near a Boy Scout camp on Black Mountain, about a mile south of the Canadian border. When Carr returned for his stash, the bags were gone, and now Carr had a simple request: Might the office of Immigration and Customs be willing to issue a news release stating that federal agents had seized the drugs, to help support Carr's explanation of the mysteriously missing drugs to his drug-trafficking overlords? The agents said no, and this weekend Carr was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 This week's cavalcade of creeps continues with a world-class contender: Anthony Anderson, the 27-year-old British man who's facing jail time after urinating on a disabled woman dying in the street. Take it away, BBC: At a hearing today, Hartlepool magistrates heard how, "on 27 July, 50-year-old Christine Lakinski was making her way home with a box of laminate flooring when she fell ill and stumbled into a doorway." The stricken Lakinski was found by Anthony Anderson and two friends, who admitted to "smoking a cannabis joint" and drinking just prior to finding the fallen woman. At first, Anderson attempted to rouse Lakinski by throwing a bucket of water over her. When that failed, Anthony Anderson did what any decent human being would do: pulled out his wang and peed on her. Afterward, Anderson decorated the pee-soaked woman—who was dying of pancreatic failure—with shaving foam. "This is YouTube material!" shouts Anderson on the mobile-phone recording of the incident, which will land Anderson—who's admitted to "outraging public decency"—in Teesside Crown Court for sentencing on October 22.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 And the creeps keep coming: Today's specimen—Malcolm McKay, the Seattle counselor who worked for years in both private practice and as an educator for the Northwest AIDS Foundation and the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education and Research. But as today's Seattle Times reports, McKay will no longer be counseling anyone anywhere, thanks to an online sex sting that found him engaging in a sexually explicit online chat with an adult posing as a teen. Details of McKay's career-ruining chat aren't pretty: According to Department of Health documents, McKay spent two days in September 2004 chatting online with an adult posing as a 14-year-old boy, during which McKay transmitted "naked, graphic photos" of himself and appeared "to be grooming his chat-mate for a sexual relationship." McKay's chat-mate, however, was a member of Perverted Justice, the notorious group that targets (and, some say, lures and entraps) online child predators, and McKay's alleged grooming was brought to a halt. Creepy twist: During the time of the online dalliance, McKay was doing extracurricular work counseling troubled youths at the Ruth Dykeman Children's Center. When center supervisors learned of McKay's online activities, the Dykeman Center immediately terminated his employment and reported him to police, Child Protective Services, and the Department of Health. Subsequent investigations failed to turn up any evidence of inappropriate behavior with his clients, and McKay was never charged with a crime.

Still, in December 2005, McKay told the Department of Health that he had a "sexual addiction" that was "out of control," and last week, McKay surrendered his health-care credentials. Stay tuned.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Hey, look—another creep! Who: Barry North, the 43-year-old man in Kelso, Washington, accused of making hundreds of obscene phone calls targeting children at toy stores. How: As prosecutors told KIRO News, North would call department stores like Wal-Mart and Fred Meyer around Christmas or Easter and ask for the toy department, claiming to be a radio disc jockey giving away prizes to children shopping in the store. According to charging documents, once North got a child on the phone, the radio-DJ bit was abandoned for hardcore pervery. "Mr. North would engage in sexual communications of a grossly inappropriate nature with the child," Kitsap County Deputy Scott Wilson told KIRO. Prosecutors say North called stores all over the country using the same tactics, including two Fred Meyer stores in East Bremerton and Port Orchard. After investigators traced a number spotted on a caller ID back to North's home, North was arrested and charged with two counts of communicating with minors for immoral purposes. If convicted, he faces up to 10 years in prison.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 In much, much, much better news, today Last Days had the tremendous pleasure of watching the New York City performance collective Elevator Repair Service perform the show Gatz at On the Boards. As some of you may know, Gatz features every single word of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel The Great Gatsby, and thus runs somewhere around six and a half hours, plus an hour-long dinner break. Thankfully, everything Elevator Repair Service chooses to do (and not do) with the text is pitch-perfect. All of Fitzgerald's brilliance is preserved, literally, but expanded with great care and intelligence into a six-and-a-half-hour spectacle. Thanks to everyone involved for rescuing this week from the creeps.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Nothing happened today (unless you count the final performance of Gatz, on which we spooge above).

Next week: creep-free. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.