MONDAY, OCTOBER 8 This week of deadly drunks, kinky clergymen, and hot flashes of gay indignation kicks off today in Huntsville, Tennessee, where today three remarkable men appeared in court to offer three remarkable pleas. First up: Timothy Chandler, the 53-year-old former school-bus driver who pleaded guilty to sexual exploitation of a minor after he was found in possession of a computer disk containing a cavalcade of kiddie porn. As the Associated Press reports, Chandler previously spent 18 months in an Ohio jail for "gross sexual imposition" involving two girls aged 1 and 4; today's guilty plea earns Chandler no further jail time, just five years probation and permanent placement on the sex-offender registry. But the jury is still out for today's remaining pleaders: 39-year-old Gary Sellers and 37-year-old Robert Bell, both of whom pleaded not guilty to charges of first-degree murder and aggravated arson after being accused of drunkenly torching Chandler's house in a bid to drive the accused pedophile from the community. Tragically, the alleged arson only succeeded in killing Timothy Chandler's wife, 37-year-old Melissa Chandler, who was unable to flee the burning home. Should Sellers and Bell be found guilty of setting the blaze, each could face life in prison.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9 Speaking of lousy human beings: Today the world was introduced to Cerissa Christensen, the 27-year-old Seattle woman whose previous arrests for driving under the influence did little to deter her from allegedly getting tanked and speeding the wrong way down Interstate 5, where this morning she crashed head-on into a pickup truck, instantly killing 18-year-old Bawny McQuistin and critically injuring the pickup's 19-year-old male driver. As for Christensen (who walked away from the crash with a broken ankle): "She's a convicted felon," said patrolman Jeff Merrill to KIRO. "She's been arrested for investigation of vehicular homicide. Alcohol was a factor in this collision." Condolences to all, including the sociopathic Christensen, who's doomed to roast in a hell of her own making for the rest of her life.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 10 In lighter news, today brings an absolutely delightful autopsy report, courtesy of the Smoking Gun. The corpse: Gary Aldridge, a 51-year-old Baptist minister from Montgomery, Alabama. The cause of death: "accidental mechanical asphyxia," believed to be the result of autoeroticism gone wrong. The kinky clues: the two complete wet suits—including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask—the hog-tied reverend was found wearing at the time of his death. Despite the discovery of a condom-covered dildo inside Aldridge, the autopsy report described the reverend's anus as "unremarkable."
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11 Speaking of kooky kinks: "This morning I was walking around Green Lake with a friend," writes Hot Tipper Amy. "We noticed a middle-aged guy tying some ropes to a picnic table. I figured he was a mountain climber or, uh, something—but then he crawled on top of the table, laid down spread-eagled, and tied himself four ways to Sunday. He was wearing pink women's underwear on top of black tights, a corset, and a teeny tiny boner. And a parka on top! (Oh, so Seattle.) He just lay there, ready and waiting for I'm not sure what. When I drove past later, he was gone."
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12 The week continues with a day of triumph for Al Gore, who was awarded—along with the United Nation's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change—the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness of global warming. Congratulations to Mr. Gore, whose inability to win elections has been thoroughly trumped by his ability to win impressive awards.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the several hours Last Days spent obsessing over the forthcoming shenanigans at Lynnwood Convention Center, where this weekend—October 19–21—the international anti-gay group the Watchmen on the Walls will hold a three-day conference. The Watchmen's unabashedly Taliban-esque mission—built on the theory that all of society's ills can be traced directly to the evil that is homosexuality—is well expressed by one the Lynnwood convention's featured speakers, the internationally reviled Holocaust revisionist Scott Lively: "If we allow the people who hate God to take control of all the centers of power, then they will change all of the rules and they will put barriers in the way of the Gospel. But if the people of God can step forward and take control of the centers of power, then we can make the rules work in favor of the Gospel. We can use the government to help us tell the message of Jesus Christ. And we must do this!" Lively repeated his call for theocratic revolution in a letter to the Washington Times: "No clear-thinking person believes that the homosexual sexual ethic and that of the family-based society can peacefully coexist. One must prevail at the expense of the other." The Watchmen wield a tremendous amount of influence in Latvia, Lithuania, Ukraine, and Russia, where their violently anti-gay message has found wide support. But as the Southern Poverty Law Center explained, "[T]he Watchmen also represent an increasingly violent anti-gay movement among Slavic evangelical immigrants in several U.S. cities which have previously been known as being gay friendly." In the Northwest, the Watchmen's war against homosexuals and "homosexualists" (straight people sympathetic to gay equality) have found an ally in Redmond's notorious Ken Hutcherson, another featured speaker at the Lynnwood conference. If the Watchmen's Nazi-flavored, centers-of-power-seizing rhetoric spooks you, you're not alone. Contact with the Lynnwood Convention Center/City of Lynnwood has been confused and confusing. (See related story on page 18.) Our primary concern: The violence of the Watchmen's rhetoric combined with the group's complete lack of legal purpose. If there were any goal to this weekend's Watchmen event—the repeal of gay-rights protections, the passage of an anti-gay ballot initiative—that would be one thing. Instead, the Watchmen seem to be all about stoking anti-gay hatred while denying their stoked masses any legal outlet for their fury, leaving them with what? Fists? Tire irons? Who knows, but the Watchmen's determination to vanquish the Evil Gay Enemy is too close to Taliban talk for our comfort, and the "holy warrior" rhetoric is terrifying—when extremists see violent crimes in this life as a path to glory in the next, ordinary citizens have a right to be afraid. Still, Watchmen on the Walls have a right to peaceful assembly—let's hope they can honor it.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14 Nothing happened today.
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