Naomi Campbell Can't get good help. Kyle T. Webster

A urinal. This particular urinal (or "pissoir" as unfathomable Northeast Canadians tend to call them) is a very, very lucky urinal indeed, for it lives in the busy men's room of a skanky-ass strip joint, and is apparently frequented by overfriendly drunk dudes and celebrated "wiggers." (Delightful!) At the moment our story begins, this very lucky pissoir has none other than Eminem's (yes, Eminem's!) own floppy skinhose dangling wiggerishly in its chilly porcelain maw. Attached to that penis: Eminem. Peeing at the next urinal over, an unknown admirer. The admirer, increasingly twitterpated to discover himself peeing beside Eminem, rather unwisely tries to bond with him midstream. From here our story spins wildly out of control: bodyguards, snotty remarks, alleged weaponry, wanton pee-splash, some poor fool getting smacked several times in the face midpiddle. But I'd just like to pause at this juncture indefinitely so we may all refocus on what's really important here: Eminem's penis. Thank you.

Fucking Canadians.

Meanwhile, in an even deeper circle of Hell: Paris Hilton says she's giving up sex for a year in order to rediscover herself. Millions of unrelated sources agree that what she meant to say was, "I'm giving up sex for a year so the festering scabs can heal before my twat drops to the dirt like a rotten pile of grapes."

"Dear Adrian, I was wondering if it's true that Tom Cruise's daughter has Down syndrome, which is why there are no pictures until they can change her appearance with plastic surgery. —Debbie M."

Dear Debbie M., I am the only person alive who has seen this so-called "Suri" child with my very own eyes (long story—don't ask), and I can assure you that she doesn't have Down syndrome. She's black. —Adrian

Then: Naomi Campbell is facing yet another in a long line of rebellions from her bruised and battered serfs. In response, she has fired everyone and started hitting herself.

Hilary Swank just took off all her clothes like a common whore to hawk some kind of expensive French perfume, and since she grew up around here or something, it's locally relevant somehow. Trip out on that shit.

Lastly: Two actors from some movie called Clerks II or something appeared in person at Scarecrow Video to promote it, and neither of them was Jason Lee, who is also in Clerks II or whatever, and who once showed me his sexy belly hair in person, and might have again, had he been there instead of the other two guys. But Armageddon has officially begun, and this is no time to nitpick. I was just there to rent a fucking movie. Jesus.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com