Dear Mistress,

A submissive friend of mine told me her dominant is going to "loan her out." I'm kinky, too, but that seems icky to me. What's your take?

My take is that your pal probably wants to get some stranger, and her dominant is facilitating that. Using the phrase "loan her out" does conjure up the image of a helpless slave being passed around like a hors d'oeuvre tray. But that's actually not a common thing in the BDSM community—although I know a lot of submissives who get off on the idea and wish it would happen to them. This certainly can be an idea generated by the dominant, too. There is a charm to demonstrating that you can give something away—and then take it back again—and it's usually not hard to know who your submissive might be attracted to. But really, my most frequent experience is this: My submissive comes to me and says, "Gee, Ma'am, I'd really love to play with your friend..." And indulgent Mistress that I am, I make it so.

Dear Mistress,

Can you tell me how to play with an eager masochist without leaving lots of marks on his or her body?

I get a lot of requests for play that won't leave a mark, so I've made a study of it. One of the keys is to play with sensations resulting from pressure or tension rather than impact. For example, squeezing someone's balls or pulling down on the ball sack doesn't mark someone up. With women, do the same with the outer labium. Clamps on the nipples or genitals are usually fine, especially if you remove and replace them frequently.

Stressful bondage positions work well, too, and wide leather cuffs, especially if they're lined with fleece, don't leave bruises. You can get an extra set of cuffs and use them around the biceps for additional tie points. Try this pose: have the bottom kneel upright, then tie his wrists to his ankles and tell him he may not let his butt touch the floor. His quads will be quivering in short order. Sit down and just watch him tremble until he begs to relax.

Also, try ice or sports rubs that feel hot or cold. Be careful with the latter, however, as they can irritate mucus membranes.

There are some advanced BDSM activities that leave no visible trace, like urethral penetration and electrical play. But doing them safely requires instruction in proper techniques. And you need the proper tools, like a set of medical sounds, and a TENS unit or a violet wand, because not having left bruises becomes irrelevant if your partner is pissing blood or having a cardiac arrest.

Dear Mistress,

Why are there so many older people at most kink events? Where are all the twentysomethings?

I have heard a fair amount of comments about this, so I asked Allena Gabosch, director of the Wet Spot, what she thought. "I think that one of the main reasons we see older (and whiter) folks at kink events is that the lifestyle requires a certain amount of expendable income and time, which older, white, middle-class and middle-working-class people have. Younger folks have less expendable income and, in a lot of cases, less time."

Allena goes on to say, "I actually see more and more young people attending events lately. (At a) Thursday night Grind party... I'd guess that the average age is 25." I agree with Allena.

The other factor is getting to a place of sexual self-acceptance. I would also say that most young people (read: under 25) are still exploring their sexuality and figuring out what exactly turns them on, and that's perfectly appropriate. Once you've discovered what churns your butter, then you have to make the leap from it just being masturbation fodder, to leaving your bedroom and finding like-minded people. Being kinky is much more fashionable now than it used to be, but there are still plenty of taboos and negative attitudes about it, and it can take time to work up one's courage. The older you get, the more you learn not to worry about other people's opinions and just live your life the way you want to. recommended

Kink Calendar



Live burlesque shows and pinup models to photograph. Suggested dress: pajamas or lingerie. Fenix Underground, 109 S Washington St, 405-4314, 8 pm, ladies free, gentlemen $7, 21+.



Erotic dance and spoken-word entertainment in an intimate, art-studio setting, with some audience participation. Little Red Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E,, 8:30 pm, $30, reservations required.



No cover for leather, bear, motorcycle club, and rodeo association members with membership card or club colors (or with Club Seattle or Basic Plumbing card). Cuff, 1533 13th Ave, $3 before 11 pm/$4 after, 21+.



Want to learn to do temporary piercing? Domina Carmen and David F present a comprehensive blood-sport workshop for beginners, covering risks and safety issues, with demonstrations and hands-on practice. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, 270-9746, 3–6:30 pm, $30 (includes needles and supplies), membership not required.



An erotic play party featuring live hand drumming and freeform ecstatic dancing. No experience required, bring a drum if you have one. Wet Spot, 270-9746 or, 7–11 pm, $10, membership not required.


Afternoon jack-off event. Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. or, 1–4 pm (doors close at 2 pm), membership required.



Childhood is a Neapolitan swirl of pleasure, humiliation, and awkwardness—nothing recalls the emotional complexity like forced conversation with strangers at an ice-cream social! Eva, 2227 N 56th St, 633-3538, 7:30 pm, $36, reservations required.