How the Fancy Film People Party
I made Annie Wagner wait for me on the sidewalk outside the Northwest Film Forum Holiday Party. I felt uncomfortable. I don't know any of these film people. I didn't know what I would talk to them about—unless the fancy film people want to talk about that part in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry when Larry drops the soap in the firehouse shower. Or in Alvin and the Chipmunks when Simon eats a piece of Theodore's poop. Or John Goodman (OMG, heart!). I had a feeling they didn't.
Inside, our first stop was the eggnog contest. I was looking forward to voting on the eggnogs—participating in some good old-fashioned eggnog democracy. I was informed that King Eggnog had already been crowned, by a vote of one. A vote of Santa (this year, played by local film critic Lester Gray). Santa was the only one who got to vote in the eggnog contest? BULLSHIT. Thanks for disenfranchising me, fancy film people! I purchased a cup of the winning eggnog, which was frothy, creamy, and reportedly contained more eggs than all the other nogs. Also, rum.
Northwest Film Forum director Michael Seiwerath seemed sad that I had chosen the winning nog instead of his Northwest Film Forum signature nog. "There's soy eggnog, too," he said. "But it's kind of gross. I made it."
I was introduced to Guerren Marter from the Grand Illusion, who told me that the Grand Illusion has the very best late nights in town, that they no longer have a hole in the roof, and that they do not sell pickle-flavored popsicles. Then a man in a black bodysuit (not an invisibility suit, by the way! I can totally see you!) put a stuffed elf really close to our faces and said, creepily, "Hi, I'm Jimmy the Elf. You should get your picture taken with Santa." We didn't. Later, Walking to Werner filmmaker Linas Phillips "arrived" at the party with suspiciously flat hair.
After crushing the entire world in a game of back-alley dreidel (just TRY to out-dreidel me, Jews!), I found myself in a conversation with Cthulhu director Daniel Gildark. Someone had recently watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Gildark said he had read the book, and found it insubstantial, or something. "I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks!" I yelled. I told them about Theodore's poop. They laughed.
This fancy film party was a success.