First it was Jason Alexander (a.k.a. George Costanza from Seinfeld), who was in town to promote Just Looking, his new flick about a Jewish peeping Tom. I knew he was being interviewed on 95.7's Mix Morning Show, so I dragged myself out of bed at the ass-crack of dawn so I could ambush him when he left the studio. I'd been planning for it all week. I glued myself together, cussed and cursed my way through traffic, and missed him by less than two minutes. His limo was pulling away as I arrived. If that wasn't bad enough, I spent the better part of last week trying to pin down Lily Tomlin, and was largely (okay, completely) ignored. Although Lily was far too busy to return my frantic phone calls and e-mails, she certainly found the time to schlep up to Neighbours to see Mark Finley (who I mercilessly poked fun at last week) impersonate her. Grinding salt into my wounded pride, she even appeared on the cover of the Seattle Gay News, clinging to Mark like Elian Gonzales to a life raft. (She must have known "who Mark is.") Needless to say, I was crushed.
But at least I wasn't the only one to feel the backside of God's hand. Jean Enersen (a woman who definitely deserves a karmic kick in the fanny) had a humbling and humiliating episode with a ferry worker and a trash can last Friday. Commuters on the Bainbridge Island ferry were startled when a surly ferry worker boomed, "Go back through that door, dammit! Don't walk on that floor! It's wet!" to a "demure little blonde" (i.e. Enersen, who, frankly, most closely resembles a corn flake in a wig). A witness says Enersen gave a terse and indecipherable reply (possibly "Do you know who I am?"). "You can go around just like everyone else," the employee scolded. But Jean, not to be daunted, reportedly pushed past him and strolled right over the wet, waxed floor without a care in the world--and found herself neatly trapped between the furious worker and a row of trash cans. Feeling all eyes on her and trying to remain dignified, she climbed over the trash cans to freedom.
In other news: Christopher Knight (a.k.a. Peter from The Brady Bunch) was spotted drinking beer at the Sitting Room on lower Queen Anne. By all reports, Christopher was a perfect gentleman, very polite and courteous (barely spoke above a whisper!), and almost certainly has never had to crawl over public waste to escape angry civil servants. And while eyewitnesses report that he has developed "a healthy spare tire" around his waist, I am assured that he is still "cuter than Greg." Which really isn't saying much.
For your very own self-esteem-crushing, karma-cleansing experience, be at Planet Hollywood this Saturday, October 7, between 3 and 5 pm. Mark Consuelos ("Mateo Santos") and Josh Duhamel ("Leo du Pres"), the genetically flawless pretty boys from All My Children, will be having their pretty hands and feet dipped in cement, followed by autographs and lots of ooh-ing and ah-ing. Gaze at them and meditate upon the terrible fact that you will never be as beautiful or as famous as they are.
I am watching you. Try to be interesting. Send dirt to adrian@thestranger.com.
