MONDAY, MAY 5 This week of threatened testicles, deadly weather, and long-awaited legal proceedings against allegedly pedophilic pop stars kicks off with an answer to the question FBI agents have been asking for eight months: Who were the two Middle Eastern–looking men seen snapping "suspicious" photos onboard a Washington ferry last summer? Details on the mystery saga come from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which reports photos of the men—snapped by ferry workers who noted the pair's "inordinate interest in the operation of the shipboard systems" (not long after the Justice Department named Washington's ferries a top target for maritime terrorism)—were released to the media last August, in hopes of helping the FBI identify and locate the definitely beige and possibly nefarious pair. It worked: Two weeks ago, the men presented themselves at a U.S. embassy, identifying themselves as European business consultants who'd been vacationing in Seattle when the instigating ferry photos were taken. Today the FBI called off the global manhunt, identifying the men in question as "European business consultants" who came forward willingly to clear their names (and quash fears of being arrested should they ever set foot in the U.S. again). "What happened is exactly what we had hoped would happen," announced Special Agent in Charge Laura Laughlin. "Either the men in question would identify themselves, which occurred, or someone would recognize them... Our opinion now is that it worked." Ibrahim Hooper of the Council on American-Islamic Relations concurred: "The authorities handled this situation quite well." Congrats to the feds, condolences to the erroneously hunted men.

TUESDAY, MAY 6 The week continues with the largest college-campus drug bust in U.S. history. The campus: San Diego State University, where a pair of fatal cocaine overdoses inspired school officials to investigate drug trafficking on campus. With help from the DEA, the school launched "Operation Sudden Fall," an undercover crackdown that infiltrated seven of the university's fraternities. As ABC News reports, the investigation turned up four pounds of cocaine, 50 pounds of marijuana, ecstasy pills, mushrooms, hash oil, methamphetamines, prescription drugs, a shotgun, three semiautomatic pistols, and $60,000 cash. It led to the arrests of 96 people—75 of them students—who will be charged with the sale and possession of drugs and could face charges for possession of firearms. (Along with the stunning numbers came mini-profiles of particularly ironic suspects, including the criminal-justice major allegedly found with 500 grams of cocaine and two guns, and the campus policeman one month shy of his masters degree in Homeland Security who asked federal agents if his arrest on suspicion of drug dealing "would have an effect on [his] being a federal law-enforcement officer.")

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 Speaking of humongous busts: Today brings news of a Wire-worthy saga from the streets of New York, where eight men stand charged with a cornucopia of felonies after allegedly posing as police officers and abducting, torturing, and robbing scores of East Coast cocaine traffickers. Details come from the Associated Press: According to the indictment unsealed yesterday in federal court in Brooklyn, the gang of eight men (all from the Dominican Republic) injured about 100 people while committing 100 holdups targeting large-scale traffickers in New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Florida. According to court papers, the alleged stickup men "were particularly sophisticated in their tactics," the most notable of which was their impersonation of law enforcement, which afforded them rare access to their drug-trafficking targets. After gaining entry to dealers' homes by identifying themselves as police officers, the "cops" would turn gangster, allegedly holding entire families hostage at gunpoint for days and subjecting victims to "various means of torture," including makeshift waterboarding and the application of pliers to victims' testicles. Through such means did the gang allegedly acquire more than 1,650 pounds of cocaine and $4 million in cash, for which they now stand charged with robbery, conspiracy, drug dealing, and a plethora of other crimes. If convicted, each of the eight faces 40 years to life behind bars.

THURSDAY, MAY 8 The week continues with a tale that seems custom-made by God for this column, combining as it does several of the worst scenarios Last Days has ever acknowledged. The place: 80 miles north of Madison, Wisconsin, where, as the Associated Press so succinctly put it, "Two children and their mother lived for about two months with the decaying body of a 90-year-old woman on the toilet of their home's only bathroom, on the advice of a religious 'superior' who claimed the corpse would come back to life." As the AP reports, the saga kicked into high gear yesterday, when a woman asked sheriff's officials to check on her sister, 90-year-old Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth, who had not been heard from for some time. Deputy Leigh Neville-Neil arrived at Middlesworth's residence to find 35-year-old Tammy Lewis blocking the door and a horrible stench fighting to get out. Once inside, the deputy found hymns playing on the stereo, religious materials scattered everywhere, and "something piled on what appeared to be a toilet." The source of the mystery pile: Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth, whose body was left on the toilet for roughly two months while Lewis—under the guidance of 57-year-old, self-proclaimed bishop Alan Bushey—tried to fulfill God's prophesy that Middlesworth would come back to life if Lewis prayed hard enough. Unfortunately for everyone, Lewis's prayers failed, leaving her family—including a 15-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son—to live with a rotting corpse in their home's only bathroom for two months. Tomorrow the kids will be placed in foster care, and Tammy Lewis and Alan Bushey will remain in custody on felony charges of "being a party to causing mental harm to a child."

FRIDAY, MAY 9 Speaking of allegedly causing mental harm to a child: Today brings the long-awaited commencement of the criminal trial against R. Kelly, the freakishly enduring 41-year-old R&B star indicted on child-pornography charges in 2002, thanks to a videotape allegedly showing Kelly having (humiliating) sex with "a girl as young as 13." If convicted, Kelly faces up to 15 years in prison. (Insert Trapped in the Closet joke here; extra points if it involves Bridget and the midget.)

SATURDAY, MAY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the tornadoes that'll tear through three states—Oklahoma and Missouri today, Georgia tomorrow—killing 33 people and injuring and displacing hundreds more.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 Speaking of hideous tragedy, the week ends—as last week ended and next week will likely end as well—with an update on the ever-worsening horror unfolding in Myanmar. Today's twist: As the death toll from last week's cyclone rose to 28,000, the 1.5 million survivors were dealt a kick in the teeth as a Red Cross boat stocked with one of the first international shipments of relief supplies—including rice, drinking water, and other goods for more than 1,000 people—sank on its way to the disaster zone. As the Associated Press reports, all four aid workers onboard escaped safely, but all onboard food supplies were contaminated by river water. Teensy ray of hope: Myanmar's ruling junta will allow a U.S. cargo plane packed with supplies to land in the city of Yangon on Monday, with two more air shipments scheduled to land Tuesday.

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