Omigod, I am just so VERY HAPPY that the Olympics are nearly over! Don't get me wrong: I'm just as patriotic as the next flag-waving Coors-drinking hillbilly—but day after day of genetically stunted gymnasts hurling themselves across the floor, and spaghetti-limbed runners flailing around a track... it just gets to be a little too much, you know?! I knew I'd had my fill of the Olympics when I got totally wasted on gin and goofballs and choreographed a nude ribbon-dancing routine in my living room. Confidential to my neighbors: (1) I'll start closing my blinds, and (2) how was I supposed to know you have kids?
Anyhoo, it's all over except for the closing ceremonies (NBC, Sun Aug 24, 7 pm), and I think I should receive a special gold medal for not blowing my goddamn head off. Happily there are a slew of far more interesting shows poking their heads up this week. Here are just a few!
• Glam God with Vivica A. Fox (VH1, Thurs Aug 21, 9 pm). You probably remember Vivica as the housewife assassin in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill—which means you probably also know SHE CAN TEAR YOUR ASS UP. Watch with delight as Vivica whips a gang of celebrity stylists into shape with a series of challenges to test their knowledge of the top four elements of fashion: hair, makeup, wardrobe, and pulling Vivica's foot out of their ass if they so much as look at her funny! THE GIRL DON'T PLAY!
• The Cho Show (VH1, Thurs Aug 21, 10 pm). You also probably remember Margaret Cho as the Korean-American comedian who briefly had a 1994 sitcom called All American Girl, which was quickly canceled because Margaret was alternately accused of being "too Asian," and "not Asian enough." (In fact, her producers at the time actually hired a coach to help her act "more Asian.") Well, now Margaret's gonna act just as Asian as she wants in this new reality show that follows her around as she says hilarious things. (Waitasecond... Apparently I'm not "Asian enough" to get a reality show! Get me that Asian coach on the horn!)
• America's Toughest Jobs (NBC, Mon Aug 25, 9 pm). Regular John and Jane Dorks are taken out of their cushy white-collar offices, and put to work in some of the dirtiest, most dangerous jobs in America. Gasp and laugh as these doughy wusses become lumberjacks in Oregon, drill for oil in Texas, drive 18-wheelers on icy roads, and write TV columns for lefty art rags. (Hey, if it weren't for my remote, I would've died from exhaustion years ago!)
• Democratic National Convention (ABC/NBC, Mon Aug 25, 10 pm). Check out this heee-larious new reality show in which normal, everyday Democrats are videotaped and forced to live together for days in a filthy convention center, as they ramble incessantly about politics while drinking and screwing themselves silly. But here's the twist! Instead of winning a million dollars, one lucky contestant is eventually chosen to leave the convention center and lead the country for at least FOUR YEARS. (God... this sounds like the most awful TV show ever.)